SNEAKY

Peanut has gotten a little too comfortable in her surroundings lately. She thinks she has free reign of the whole apartment. I find her in the most random places: The "drawer thing" under the stove, shelves in the pantry, she's managed to make her way behind the cabinets in the kitchen to climb up the wall and into one of my drawers in the kitchen. Weird. Sunday I found her running across my hanging clothes in my closet. How does she do all this? Goodness sakes, I have no clue.
She's even gone missing for a while. What if we could do that? Make our way into random places, places where people could never find us? Places where we could go and just not be found for a while.

I think we need places like that. To just give us time to be away from everything and not be bothered. OK, yes, I already live by myself, so is that like "getting away from everything"? Sort of. But I think it's good to not be somewhere that you're always at.
Growing up, I would just go some where on our property: a tree, swing, roof, ground...something.
Now my only place to get away is to drive. The world now is a little scary. It's not like I can just go sit in the park, or take a walk around the neighborhood. As trusting as I am of everyone, I'm a little scared at times. How did the world get this way?

I give off a very strong persona-like no one can touch me. But believe me, I'm all talk. I'm just as scared as the rest of you. Scared of lots of things: the future, strangers, commitment, being attacked, spiders, failing...
When did people become scared? Did people always have all these worries? I just think it would be simple if there was nothing to scare them. Well, Duh! Life shouldn't be scary. Are we the ones scaring ourselves? I feel like I'm just going off on tangents right now. But each question leads you some where else. It's true, life is full of questions.

Life is also full of...living. My neighbor once told me that's all that life asks of us, is to just live it.

How do you live it? How do I live it? I don't know... Be Happy.?!
How do you become happy? Where do you find happiness? I wish I knew.

I can tell myself to look happy and put on a smile...but it feels very fake to me. I can "make" myself happy when I'm around people doing things I love...but even then I feel like I'm putting on a show. I absolutely hate that feeling. I have absolutely no reason to not be happy. Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance...
This is just me venting. I'm not doing this for sympathy, I'm going this because I don't like to actually talk about it.

Back to Reality-
I wonder if I found something to make me happy-would I truly be happy? Who knows. I just don't wan to fake anybody out. I also don't want to fake myself out.

As I sit here writing, I'm thinking- I wanted to share something fun and silly about my rat and here I am complaining about something. That's how my personality is. I seem to be able to complain about anything and everything. My apologies to everyone who has had to hear me complain.

Something else that is on my mind. I watched Friday night as Eminem got married. How sad did that make me?!! My chances with Mr. Marshall Mathers are now gone. Although, he's divorced Kim once, maybe he'll do it again. But I do think they should stay together, for Hailey's sake. I guess that means that Chris Carraba needs to hurry up and fall in love with me!!
I'm waiting...

"And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone,
And I wonder if, I'm alone in your head."
-The Early November

Futures

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. Like, what does it have in store for me, what direction should I be going in, where will I be in two year?
I'll be a quarter century old in a couple years, and I look at my life, and I think I've accomplished a good amount of things. Good friends, finished college early, I have a good job, I can support myself. Are things still going to be the same in a couple years. The plan is to be married and have babies sometime before I'm 30...that only gives me 7 years. Then what? Then I have to stay in one place. Not that I move around a lot right now, but I could if I wanted to. I haven't really lived in the same place for a more than a couple years since high school. I like getting to be free and have options. Not that I always jump on them, but it's nice to know they're there.

I want to keep having those options. Move if I ever wanted to. Get a different job if I wanted to. I don't know. It's just going to be weird thinking that soon I'll have to "settle down". I know it will be awesome once I do, but right now it's weird to think about. My parents have lived in the same house for over 27 years, and my dad has been going to his same for job for over 20. It sounds lame, but their happy. I just can't imagine myself doing that. But I guess one day I will. I especially see it after this weekend. I have a friend from college that lives in Round Rock who is my age that I visited. She's been married for a while and already have a 4 month old daughter. My best friend from back home was also there and she's been married a while and 6 months pregnant. I felt so awkward sitting there, we were all grown up. What happened? It's just weird to see it all happening right in front of my face. Sometimes I just don't want to be a grown up and I want someone to take care of me...but then again, I love the independance of not having to worry about anyone but myself....

"I, I always could count on futures
That things would look up, and they look up
Why is it so hard to find balance
Between living decent and the cold and real
Hey now, what is it you think you see?"
-Jimmy Eat World

My Apologies

I'm sorry Chris...it's taken me a while to get a write up out about my White Elephant gift. I had been sad for so long that I had never received it...well...it came over the holiday's while I was out of my apartment and it had been held in the complex office for the few days that I was gone.

I picked it up on January 2nd or 3rd, I can't remember because last week was kind of shady for me.

But as soon as I walked in the apartment office and saw the pile of boxes that had been delivered over the holidays, I saw my special box that was right on top. Becky Moczygemba was scribbled on it. Not really, the hand writing was very nice. It was a nice box, cute in size. (sorry, I just like boxes for some reason).

Those three flights of stairs to my door took a while because I was excited and carrying a bunch of stuff. As soon as I got in the door I put my stuff down and picked up Peanut, she sat in my lap as I opened my box. I had to get up and get some scissors because it was taped pretty good.

A note was the first thing I saw as I opened the box, an artistically drawn reindeer with the words Merry Christmas written above it. "Yea!" I said.

Under the drawing was my gift.
Now this is no ordinary gift. It was something that my brother's and I had tried to do growing up and never really had success.

I'll give you clues:

It's round





It's about 5 or 6 inches in diameter






It can bounce really well, my neighbors underneath me most likely weren't happy that I was bouncing it on my kitchen floor.





It's pretty heavy




OK....I'll tell you what it is.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
...it's a rubberband ball.

It was amazing. I had never seen one this big in my life. Peanut enjoyed crawling on it and sniffing around on it. It was very interesting to her.

Thank you Chris for this lovely gift. It has hours of intertainment rolled up in it.

Life in the Fast Lane

I don't even know where to begin. Life has been throwing punches at me for the past couple of days and I just feel the bruises coming up. I just need to sleep for 24 hours, because maybe when I wake up everything will be fine.

I had a nice visit at home with my family. It's always nice to see them and be around people that I love and that love me. That's just an awesome feeling.
Coming back...now that's another story.

Work has made me nervous, uncomfortable, weary, ganged up on and at the same time, I'm excited to be back and start a new year. I have had some uncomfortable situations come up while meeting with my youth. I had some "adults" observe and intervene with my night. It was, to me, really rude and un-called for. I don't like that people just assume they can come up and interupt my group because they want things done a certain way. I was so upset and just steamed Sunday night and it really isn't getting any better.

I have been having meetings non-stop it seems. I'm scared of my meeting tomorrow. It's with my Committee chair and then apparently whoever else just feels like showing up. SCARY. From what I've heard around the way...I should be a little scared. Apparently I'm not pulling enough weight around here. Whatever that means. I've been working like crazy the past couple months. I'm sorry to all you families that don't have children that don't see all the work I do. My evaluation has also been postponed. It should have been last month and I haven't heard any talk of when it is going to be. Yuck...now, that's a scary feeling. Hopefully I'm just analyzing things too much and it's not going to big of a deal. But then again...maybe it's good that I am so that I can prepare myself. What a sinking feeling.

I also mentioned to my boss today about the "lonliness" feeling. I don't think he took me very literally...or maybe it was too literally. He suggested that I go on eHarmony.com to try and find someone in the area to meet. I'm looking into it. Mostly just for grins.

Anyways...things have been a tad stressful the past couple days and I've really been shutting myself out because I just don't really know how to deal with everything that is going on. But I ask you all for prayers of strength for my meeting tomorrow, and just for support for whatever happens.

Spell It Out

Well it's almost midnight and I just arrived back home in the great...well, the town of Floresville. It's a nice place to come and visit. I haven't been up this late in a while, except for last night when Kyle and Brandon and I went to see "The Family Stone". I'm tired, but I know I won't get to sleep, so I might as well be a little productive. I'll start by why I'm back home.

Last weekend (Sunday the 1st to be exact) I talked with my mother about my work I did over the Holiday season and she begins to tell me about Liz's mom. Liz is married to one of my Best friends, Keith. Keith's mom and my mom have been best friends since the 8th. Long time family friends. Liz's mom has cancer and the doctors said she was getting better. Turns out, she wasn't. On Sunday my mother told me that it was so bad that they were only giving her a couple WEEKS to live. That's bad. I watched my Grandfather die of cancer, but that took about 6 years for it to actually take him.

My mother continues to tell me that she just HATES the word "CANCER". So much so that as she is talking, her voice is cracking. Now I consider my mother to be a very strong person (and she is) but certain things really get to her. Such as, Cancer. She was 47 when her dad died of Cancer and she was just very upset that a 21 year old girl was having to watch her mother die of it.
Anyways...
Liz's mom died on Wednesday. A couple of weeks turned into three days. How rough is that?

So I had two hours of driving to think about this.
I'm 23, and I don't know what I would do if I had to watch anyone of my parents suffer/die from cancer. That is a scary/horrible/sad thing to have to go through. Then I thought how different I would act if my parents did have cancer. Why is that? Why should we only be good and share our appreciation with them only because they're sick? That is something that we should do daily and not have to think about doing. I love my parents to death, but I can't even tell you the last time that I said "I love you" to either one of them. We just don't do that in my family. We all know that we love each other, but we just don't actually come out and say the words. Isn't that sad?

I think it's terrible. I definitely take for granted that my parents are healthy and there for me whenever I need them. I hate that. I don't know what I would do if I lost one of them right now. I wouldn't be able to function for a long time. I sometimes have a hard enough time as it is now, but I can always call them, or drive down if I need to. I wouldn't be able to do that if they weren't here.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to start telling people how I really feel about them. Not just occasionally, but all the time. You never know what is going to happen. I love all you guys out there and I appreciate everything about you.

I hope no one has to go through was Liz is going through right now. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day, just because I am so sad to see someone so young lose a parent. Her children won't have that grandmother, Liz won't have her mother. I could go on and on. I just need to be thankful that I have a healthy and loving family...

God Bless...

What's the word?

I don't know how to explain it, the feeling just comes and goes. My first year of being on my own was awesome. I was strong and independent and didn't let things get to me. Boy has that changed. I still consider myself to be a very strong person-I have to, I'm on my own. But there are just days where I feel completely alone. Maybe it just has something to do with being a girl. We always need that sense of security, to know that we're wanted or supported (I don't really know what it is).

I grew up with three brothers and so I've always had many guy friends. Even in college, most of my friends were guys. Which was great, I never had to impress them. There wasn't the intimidation factor and so there was no competition like there is when you're friends with girls. Well this past week at the youth gathering that I helped plan I got to hang out with my old boss. Now we're friends because we're colleagues, and every summer I get to see him at camp and hang out with other former staff. Girls don't really get in on this group for reasons I won't get in to.
Well last week we got to play poker (which is something they usually do anyways). Something came up about playing a certain poker game in the future and I asked if I would get to be a part of it because it's usually a guy thing, and my friend says: "Of course, you're one of the guys".

For being such simple words, they kind of hurt. Why am I always just "one of the guys"? Sometimes it would be nice to be a "Girl" and treated like one.

But back to my lonely story, Last night was just one of those "lonely feeling" nights. I think it's more of a personal thing that needs dealing with because I had stuff I could have been doing-but it's also one of those things where I needed to be alone.
I would just sit on my couch thinking-I need to get out and meet people and so something with my social life, or get a Hobby. Something. But Austin is a little far to go sometimes because there's no social scenes in my area.

So if there are any offers or suggestions to get me out....lay 'em on me.

My mom got a frame as her white elephant gift and wanted a picture of all the kiddo's to put in it. 

TOO MUCH...

So much has happened in the last two weeks that I'm not even going to go into any sort of detail until something majorly exciting pops into my mind. So I'll just recap my last few events.

• Went home for Christmas. Got to hang out with all of my family. Didn't really get to run into any old friends, but just as well. Didn't get much sleep because I now live in the living room when I go home.
• My uncle tries to set me up with a 37 year old friend of his brother's. I say a big NO to that one.
• Got to see the Polar Express for the first time...in 3-D at the Imax no less and it was awesome!!
• Went to my first Fondu party. YUM!!
• Left home the day after Christmas to go to the Senior High Gathering.
• Got an incredibly rude "yelling" from my male sponsor. I'm not talking to him at the moment.
• Had an awesome time staying up until 1:00 every night and waking up at 6:45 every morning to work my 18 hour days. But whatever, I think everything was a huge success.
• Got back home from the gathering and slept for hours.
• Went to Laurens for New Years!!! Good Times! Good Times!
• Bought a bigger TV with my Christmas bonus and have been watching movies for the past couple days.
• Met a college buddy to watch the Notre Dame v. Ohio State game. Bad game, but GREAT company!!
• Now it's off to purchase "Wedding Crasher's" and sit in my apartment and do nothing for the rest of the day!!

Working hard at our Senior High Gathering!! 

When's My Vacation?

Yea for Christmas!! Got to hang out with the whole family for a while and that's always nice. Although, very tiring. Going home is almost a hassle at times. I don't have a room there anymore because it is now taken over by Andy, which is fine, he needs somewhere to live. But that means I'm sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. Not one of the best sleeping arrangements I've ever had, but it beats sleeping in the tile floor or the couch. So I didn't really get any "good" sleep for those 4 nights. But that's alright, because I wasn't at work and I was enjoying my time with the fam.
I got some good pics, but those will have to come later because I do real film and not digital.

I didn't really get to see any friends from high school while I was down. Things are really different between those friends and I. Mostly it's because they're either married or engaged and just don't do ANYTHING EVER. So I'm stuck at home, which isn't bad. But you know...it would be nice to go out and be social. Thanksgiving was nice and I got to go out, but I hung out with people from another town, and not people I went to HS with. It's whatev.

Now it's off to Kerrville for three nights. Texas lil' slice o' Hot and I have just planned an event for all the high school kiddo's in our Synod. Pray that it all goes well.
I called my planning team partner last night to see if there were any last minute things that I needed to take care of...get this...she changed almost everything for the three days of presentations. So basically, I don't really know what's going on anymore. Which, I guess is OK because then I'm not the one stressing over what is going on. I'll just hang out and eat the candy canes that I'm bringing along. That should be fun.

Things should get back to a more normal pace sometime after the new year. Hopefully, Lauren and I will get to take a trip to relax after all of this stress...Watch out East Coast!!
Alright, my girlies are showing up...I'll get back to you guys in a couple days!!

Christmas is All Around

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
That Christmas is all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it snow"

From one of the greatest movies EVER. I love Love Actually, it's such a great holiday movie, and not even during the holiday's it's a great movie.

I just got back from a Deliciously Free lunch with Lauren. We had to get our 'fix' of each other before we left for the holiday. She shared her Christmas fantasy in a previous blog and it got me thinking of what I would want as a Christmas fantasy.
Besides the basic one of being with all of my family around the dinner table just goofing off and sharing memories I've had a hard time coming up with something. I think when it comes to "Fantasies" I can't divide them into holidays. I have my dreams of what I would like to do with someone that I love, but when it comes to holiday's, I really do just want to be with my family and the rest of the people that I love.

I have fantasies...I'm going to change that word to imagine, because I'm not really liking that word, fantasy. I imagine going to a tropical location and just not doing anything, and I also imagine going to the mountains or to the city and just traveling in general.
I have alway wanted to go to Rockafella (that's my ghetto side) center in New York and seeing the huge tree and seeing all the decorations, but I wouldn't want to be there on Christmas day. I want to be wherever my family is. Unless I could get my whole family up there at once.
Although I think it would be neat to do something like that when I first get married, because then there's no extra baggage (kids) and we could still play it off as part of the honey moon era. I guess I should just quit dreaming because it just gets me hyped up and then I'm back to where I'm at...going home to an empty apartment. Which is great...but just another reminder that I'm still somewhat "alone". Which I'm not too sad about anymore. I need to start taking advantage of the fact that I get to do whatever I want with my life right now. YEA!!!

So what do I want to do with my life right now??....
I have options and I have ideas and I have dreams...it's just following through with one of them and being happy with what I do. I just need to find my rockstar to sweep me off my feet...so if you're out there...I'm here and I'm waiting!!

Parent's Just Don't Understand

It's funny how you just have this certain respect for adults and take them a little more serious than you do your own parents. Or, maybe that's just me.
I share a lot well, actually, most of my life, with my parents. I like to keep them updated and hear what they have to say about what is going on in my life. But I don't always think I'm really listening and using what they're telling me.

My neighbor invited me over last night, which he does every now and then, to talk about what is going on in our life. We sit either at his table outside or, like last night, at his table inside and have a beer. He's always very curious about what is going on in my life.
Then he tells me about what he had a guy tell him the other day. He said that life gives so much to us. Which means, we should give back to life. How do you give back to life you ask? You LIVE IT. That's all life asks of us, is just to live. Not to just exist or survive...but LIVE.

Am I really living? I don't know if I am or not. I'm happy for the most part, I love where I'm at, but am I actually living? I'm not like my neighbor where I travel all over Mexico and the United States every couple of months. Yes, I have traveled a lot this year, but half of that was work related. How do you live, what is living to us?

Right now, it's just surviving and existing. But I'm also living...

He's also concerned that I'm not dating anyone...what kind of parent woud get concerned if their child wasn't dating anyone? I sat and talked/listened to my neighbor for a good hour before I left. I asked if he talks the same way to his daughter (we're about the same age) and he says that she just tells him to shut-up. I think I would have told my dad that too. So why do we listen and take into account what other parent figures tell us. It's weird. I would have thought that parents would have more pull on the advice and listening...I don't know.

I do love my parents and listen to them ALL the time...but sometimes it's just good to hear from another person.

So to all of you out there...Start LIVING!!!

It's just you and me

I'm EXHAUSTED...
I don't think I was expecting to get tired like this. I don't understand how people who actually "work" for a living, survive. I mean, this is only a part of the year, but to actually have to be active all day, every day, for 12 hours...I'd die. Seriously.
But on a happy note, I got to see some great old friends this weekend. One of my old college roommates graduated from Texas Lutheran University this weekend and so a bunch of the old "crew" was there. It was so nice to get to see them. Shout Out to ROSS HOGG...I'm excited that you graduated. I'm excited for Lindsay, but I wasn't really worried about her getting out of school. I even ran into a guy that I went to junior college with and then a lady that goes to my church back home. It was weird, but exciting to see people that I don't ever see.

Tonight is my high school Christmas Party and I'm getting excited. I'm tired, but I really love this group of kiddos. They're amazing. They can definitely be a handful at times, but I love them all.

This week is going to be another busy one, but I hope to actually write something good later on. I'm sure these are boring you all. But I didn't want to neglet this too much.

I'm going Crazy...

I haven't work this much in my life...welll, maybe I have, but it's been a while. It's just been ridiculously long days, and most of the time I'm not in the office. I just go, go, go all day.
Yesterday was seriously just TOO much. Going to a network meeting an hour away, staying there for 4 hours and then coming back. (The meeting went great, there were awesome people there) But then I get back to town to run errands for this event at the end of the month. Finally at about 5:45, we're bushed and go home. Just to get a phone call to do dinner. Which I needed to do. It was with a woman at church who I "spill my soul" to, and I really needed that last night. Only to get home at about 8:15 to get another phone call to go out. I just wanted to lay down, but I knew I would be pissed if I didn't go out. So I went out for a couple hours to do Kareoke. NO, I didn't sing, but I supported everyone who did.

Crap...gotta jet...off to Austin to work....
I hope to catch everyone up at some point in time.
I'm still alive...just not around.

Instructions for Life

This is what the Dalai Lama had to say for 2005 and I thought they were all great.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
3. Follow the three R's
Respect for self
Respect for other's
Responsibility for all your actions
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it
8. Spend some time alone every day
9. Open arms change, but don't let go of your values
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get old and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality
15. Be gentle with the earth
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in where the love for each other exceeds your need for each other
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon

Some are little things and some are big things, but they all mean so much.

Same Name

I've been having the worst time trying to fall asleep the past couple of nights. I just can't seem to shut my brain off to let myself relax and sleep. It's driving me crazy, because it makes me a little sleepy. So last night my thoughts turned into names and people that I've encountered in my life...mostly boys. The same names keep reappearing so maybe I just need to take a hint when I hear these names.
I'll start back at the summer after 4th grade, I was at Camp Chrysalis for my first time ever as a camper. (I know take my kiddo's there in the summer...special)
So it was the night of the dance and this one boy in my older brother's cabin asked me to dance to some country song. His name was Matt and he was so cute. Maybe he wasn't, but in 4th grade he was very cute to me. That was my first Matt encounter.
Matt #2 didn't come until college. I dated his suite mate and therefore hung out in the same area as him a lot of times. Well he had an amazing personality that I could just sit and talk with for hours. But he always asked me when we were going to 'make out'...so it got weird. But he's still awesome.
Matt #3 was also in college. This time, he was younger than me. But looked like Chris Carraba, which really drew me to him. We hung out a bit, but then I found out he had a girl friend, and so that wasn't that great.
Matt #4 was right after I graduated college and he was a coach at the university that I went to. He was older and would come over to our house and hit on my roommate and I just thought he was creepy.
Matt #5...Detroit...and that's all I'll say.

Next Boy we come too...TRAVIS.
Travis #1 was in high school and he was my first real kiss. I grew up in a town where you are either a farmer, in band or in athletics. I was neither. He was a runner. Awwww...he was something else.
Travis #2. My best friend had a huge crush on him and finally got to date him. They dated for a while. Then I got a phone call from him one day saying that he broke up with her because he liked me too much. Yuck, I felt gross. Not to mention, my best friend just got dumped.
Travis #3. Was from a different school and dated one of my friends from school and started to call me to hang out. I apologize to any girl that got dumped by a Travis because of me...it's not my fault, and NO, I didn't date either one of them after they broke up with these beautifully amazing girls.

Next Boy...Chris.
Chris #1 worked at my University that I went to, but not while I was there. I met him through other people. We hung out a couple times...he hit on me. He had a girlfriend for a couple years and he still cheated on her with a couple girls. Get a life.
Chris #2....from Wisconsin. Sweet as can be. But again...out of state.
Kris #3...South Carolina. Again, sweet as can be, but out of state.

It's the same names to me over and over. I guess I need to run when I hear some of these names. They really are all great guys. Just need some growing up to do. Well, not all of them, but some. I need to get a new list of names I guess.

A Few Questions

A couple of things that I have been pondering the past couple of days...
1. How much do I need new tires?
2. How much do I love my Saturn?
3. How do you drive on ice?


Question 1: I need new tires pretty bad. My dad has told me this that past three times I've seen him...which is over a period of a couple of months. I have no traction what so ever...especially when it comes to driving on ice, and as I was staring at the oncoming traffic on I35 it became very clear that I will very soon need new tires if I can't even go straight on a straight road....which brings me to my question number 2...

Question 2: Saturn has these dent resistant panels that it's made of. One of the most cleve inventions EVER. After slipping and sliding all over I35 with no control whatsoever of my vehicle I decided that going into Austin on Wednesday night was a bad idea. Well...exiting was a bad idea...just turning your wheel slightly makes the car go in all sorts of directions. I noticed myself going to the right, not at a slight 2 degree angle that normal cars go when exiting, but full on 90 degree angle headed straight for the grass...but oh no...I kept sliding more to where I couldn't stop at all and guess what stopped me...the guardrail. I head on smashed right into that guardrail. It was in such gracefulness that I was actually thinking to myself "Oh my gosh I'm headed straight for that guardrail, I can't turn my car at all so I'll just brace myself for the worst" BAM!! I hit it. I almost cried it shook me up a little. But since it was 24 degrees outside I said screw it, and I somehow got my car straightened out to get on the access road to turn around. Which wasn't much safer. I slid off of the road a couple times anyways. You seriously have no control whatsoever when it comes to driving on ice. Scariest thing I have ever had to do.
I checked my vehicle when I got home that night...not a scratch on it. I bent the license plate and that was the only damage. Actually I almost sliced it because it's bent really bad, I must have hit it right on the edge of the guardrail. So this week I am very thankful for dent resistand door panels and frames from Saturn because that would have been a bitch to repair.

Question 3: You may be wondering, how should you drive if your back tires start to slide out to the ride side of the vehicle? Well, you should always try and keep your vehicle straight. So turn your wheel to the right so that you keep your vehicle straigh so you keep your vehicle in a smaller area. I called my cousin Brian after I was making circles on the interstate because he was the one I was going to see in Austin. He's a state trooper and was in town for some classes. Well he let me know that you should always try and keep your vehicle going straight no matter what. So if you ever find yourself in that situations...keep that in mind.

"Ohh Boy you looking like you like what you see
Won't you come over check up on it, I'm gone let you work up on it
Ladies let em check up on it, watch it while he check up on it
Dip it, pop it, twork it, stop it, check on me tonight"
-Beyonce

Becky's Secret

Last night was one of those disappointing nights in Television...I usually watch the TV show HOUSE and CLOSE to HOME...both were cancelled because of different circumstances. I thought to myself...geez, the one night I actually watch TV shows their the ones that are that got booted off for the one night. It started off being such a great evening because I went home and I actually cooked...but we'll get to that later.

The Billboard Music awards were on, so I flipped back and forth from other TV shows. I've always had a girl crush on Gwen Stefani...even since like the 8th grade. Anyways...she's totally hot. Her performance of Luxurious....AMAZING. (OK, so I thought she could have used a different hair style, but whatever, I don't judge) I thought it was so much better than the radio version. I now like that song. Plus, any pop star that brings in a rapper (Slim Thug or any one of the sorts) has Gold Stars in my book.

The next thing I watched, because Close to Home was canceled for the night, was the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. All I can say is Oh My Goodness. I want to be a VS model so bad right now. All you have to do is walk about 40 feet on a runway turn around and pray you don't trip. These girls have it made...they sit in a chair, people fix there hair while someone else is applying their make-up and they look gorgeous. I would totally look gorgeous if I had someone do my hair and make-up every day. That is definitely one of my Secret fantasies (if you will) to get to do that at some time in my life. Not necessarily as a career. But I would definitely love to get to walk the runway at some point in time.

OK...back to my dinner...I cooked some amazing chicken friend steak. I don't mean to brag, but I did a hell of a job last night. I even made homemade gravy to put on it. I was so proud of myself. I didn't have any potatoes at home so I had to make instant mashed potatoes...but I'm pretty easy to please when it comes to mashed potatoes.
OK...so why cook last night and eat like a pig? We got our church directories in yesterday. They literally took a year to get back. Seriously, I took my picture last November for it, right before I went home for Thanksgiving. Well, the secretary stopped me as I was leaving and she said I was looking at the directory with my daughter and...you've lost weight. And she's right, I have. I didn't think it was that noticable, but when I went home for Thanksgiving I noticed that I lost about 6 or 7 pounds. Now to many of you that sounds like a very small number...but, I'm a very small person. So that is a large amount for me. And for someone to actually say they've noticed that I've lose weight in my face...Whoah...that was a big shock.

So I'm trying to eat more...I guess that's wrong, maybe eat more healthier and more regularly. Hopefully that will work...because it's pathetic when a size zero is too big. I may sound silly saying this...but please pray that I gain weight...
I mean, I feel good so it's not like I'm worried, but I don't want it to get out of hand.

"This kind of love is getting expensive
We know how to live baby
We're luxurious like Egyptian cotton
We're so rich in love we're rollin' in cashmere
Got it in fifth gear baby
Diamond in the rough is lookin so sparkly

Working so hard every night and day
And now we get the pay back
Trying so hard saving up the paper
Now we get to lay back"
-Gwen Stefani

Now isn't that an adorable face?? 

Silly Peanut 

What do you Love?

I know we all have the little things, well really their big, like family and friends and God. But I've come to realize that there are really other things that I love.
I remember growing up we ALWAYS had some kind of animal at the house...dogs, cats, hamsters, gerbils, rats, mice, parakeets, a rabbit, fish. Those were all family pets. Yea, I loved them like anyone loves their pets.

But with Peanut...she's MINE. I got her, I raised her, she knows me and I know her. I love that little sucker so much. I'm sad that I got one that was already "different", but that's what made her special. I love her little head tilt, even though it's a sign of sickness. I think we just have something special. I could be standing in the kitchen doing something and she'll just start at my ankle and climb all the way up to my shoulder just to get a look at what I'm doing. Yes, I have scratch marks from her, but I don't mind.
We really bond. Watching TV on the couch with her just makes me smile...she'll just curl up on my neck and lay there with me. I guess it's just nice to have something around. I'll be sad when she's gone, but she's a champ and she's should be around for a while still.

I just think it's a different kind of love when you're the only one giving it. I don't have to share my love for her with someone else...that sounds so silly, but it's true.

I also love getting stuff in the mail. That is always so much fun. I keep buying stuff online just so that I get mail. It's always a surprise to open the mail box and find something. I got an invitation to TLU's graduation and that was the only thing in the box...it was just "yeah" I got mail. Plus it let's me know that someone was thinking of me.

Maybe love is the wrong word for these things, but it was the only thing I could come up with...
What do you guys love?

Small Town Life

I grew up in a small town and it was one of those things where everyone knew everything that was going on...to a certain extent. Like we have the "Peanut Festival" every second weekend in October, the "Stockhow" is well...sometime, I don't know because I don't really plan my schedule around that one. Plus just other little things throughout the year.
Georgetown is the same way. It has it's annual events, parades and the sorts. Well this past weekend was the "Christmas Stroll". NO ONE TELL THE NEW GIRL WHEN SOMETHING IS GOING ON. I was asked by a few people on Sunday, 'so did you enjoy the stroll'? I'm thinking to myself, What the Hell is the 'stroll'? I knew nothing of this. Apparently it was a great time downtown at the square. Oh well.

I ended up staying in my apartment baking cookies. 5 dozen to be exact. They're the peanut butter cookies with the Hershey Kiss in the middle. One of my favorite holiday cookie. And if I do say so...they're delicious. I love the way the Kiss tastes after it's been cooked. Yum!!
I finally got a lazy weekend and it was great. At times, a little boring, but so worth it because the next 4 weekends are already practically gone. I watched a lot of movies this weekend too: "The Anchorman", "Closer", "Alfie", and "Crash". I love vegging out.

Although the movie "Closer" really just gets me all riled up to where I just don't like boys, or girls for that matter. But I got over it.

Oooh and then yesterday for church I got up about 20 minutes earlier than usual so that I could curl my hair. Oh man I wish I would have taken a picture. I got so many compliments from everyone at church, it was so nice. I must say I looked pretty darn good. I mean...I got dressed up, fixed my hair AND put on make-up. That doesn't happen too often. It was kind of fun. May need to start dressing like a girl a little more often. But who are we kidding, I came to work with a sweater, jeans and tennis shoes this morning. I guess I got over that pretty quickly...

One thing I LOVE

Popping packing bubble!!

I got a UPS package today with some free promotional stuff. Not only did I get some free stuff to give to my kids, but there was packing bubbles.
I made it last at least an hour and a half and it was only like an 18x18 inch square. But each little *pop* just made me smile.
It's funny how simple things like that just take you back to childhood and make you happy.
My thumb and fingers are a little sore, but it was totally worth it. Plus, I'm listening to David Crowder..."you are more beautiful than anyone, EVER".

Our Advent soup supper starts in a little bit too!!! Free dinner!! And then we'll do the Holden Evening prayer.
This day just keeps getting better. From the way it started I would have thought it was be not so good...but dang, the Lord knows when you need smiles.

Just Be Brave

So I was very brave today. I called that guy that I saw this weekend, just thought it would be nice to say hello. I my goodness, it took me like 3 times to actually press talk on my phone. I always just get so nervous about stuff like that. Well it just made me feel good that I actually made myself do that. It was nothing special, just a little conversation. Turns out that he does have a girlfriend. That sips. Oh well, it would have been just my luck anyways. At least now I know and I'm not sitting here wondering if he had one or what it meant when he told me that he had a crush on me. I won't have to dwell on that anymore. But I was proud of myself for doing that. I get a pat on the back.
Now to find a single guy, in Texas to keep me company.

All Smiles

Like I've said before: Thanksgiving is one of my most favorite holiday's. Lots of food and family and we don't have to worry about giving presents. I don't really get presents anymore, so I'm worried about all the giving and leaving someone out. Anyways...

I took my younger brother to his first bar last night. (I'm such a good big sis'). It was fun. We met up with my older cousin Bryan who's about 28 and all three of us just hung out it was nice. Daniel got a little excited and had much more than the both of us together. But he held himself nicely. Got to see alot of people that I don't get to see through out the year, so that was AWESOME. Ran into some great Falls City people. A couple of guys, it's always nice to see them.

My favorite part was running into this one guy...seriously, he walked by and my legs started to get week. My cousin and brother just laughed at me. He's this amazing guy, not only is he hot, in the marines, fought for our country and got shot 5 times...he was the first guy I ever kissed. So for me, to see this guy is a huge deal. I've had a huge crush on him all throughout high school, and probably a little longer than that too. Always a special place in your heart for that one guy. Ther'es just something about it, I think I really like him because he's just so tall. I am very attracted to tall guys and he's like 6'4". I saw him last year when I visited him in the hospital after all his surgeries, but it was just awkward because both of our parents were there. Anyway, we got to talking about our visit last year and what not. And as I was leaving he just looks at me and says...Gosh, I had the biggest crush on you. Oh my goodness, I could have fainted. I was like, shut up, I had the hugest crush on you. But that was about it...lots of hugging and poking after that. I think he has a girlfriend, but I didn't ask. I didn't want to ruin it. But doesn't that suck. After all these years of having this crush on him and not knowing he just comes out and is like, "I had/have a crush on you". Aaaauuuu, I couldn't sleep at all last night. But it guess it is nice to know that someone out there at sometime had 'feelings' for you. Whatev.

Then this other guy from his class was there and wouldn't keep his hands off me. It's flattering, but at the same time I kept thinking...get away, this hot boy is talking to me. He's a nice guy too, a little cocky, but one of those cocky guys that has nothing to offer but cockiness. Oh well. I can't wait to have girl time and share all my fun new findings....

Only in Texas

Only in Texas is it the day before Thanksgiving and it's 85 degrees outside. RIDICULOUS. It's the time of year where it gets down to the low 50's at night and the mornings are freezing, but come 10:00 in the morning, it's brutally hot. I wonder why Texas weather is like that. Make up your mind, either be cold or hot so that I don't have to wear tons of layers in the morning, just to shed them come lunch time. COME ON. We're not like most states where we have a summer a fall then a winter, we get a summer then BAM! it's winter without any warning. Whatev.

I'm in a little pissy mood today because I was really excited to go home today. My truck was all packed up at 11:00 and my cousin that I'm picking up in Austin called and says....Um, there's been a schedule change and I can't be ready to leave until 3:00. Oh man did I almost have a heart attack. I survived, but seriously, I was upset. Now we're really going to be sitting in some crazy traffic and instead of getting home at around 2:00 or 3:00, we're not going to get there until like 6:00 or so. Ug...I guess that's how life goes.

But I am super excited to see all the family. Thanksgiving is always at our house, so I won't have to get up and go anywhere in the morning, which is nice. Although I'm sure there won't be any sleeping in time. We're going to have a full house. We don't have the facilities to accomodate that many people for sleeping purposes. Once we all started moving out the house there were less and less beds around. Now we have a couch, some cots and an air matress. It's silly. You would think coming home would be nice, now it's a struggle to get into the bathroom and find a place to sleep. The parents tore up the carpet to put in hardwood floors, which is really nice, but now we can't really sleep on the floor anymore. Alright. That's OK.

Well...I'm off to the great small town of Floresville. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving to everyone who reads this!!

"You Are - More Beautiful - Than Anyone - Ever"

I had an excellent time in Nashville. I don't think I really started to appreciate all the stuff until the end, but I am so glad that I got that experience. I went in with an unfocused attitude, so that didn't really help the cause and then got some bad news from back home. I'm a very distracted person, but I was just overly distracted this weekend.
I did get to see some great sites though. Nashville.

"You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never

And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever

How could You be so good to me?

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You

Everywhere You are there
Earth or air surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that'

You, You, You, You, You, You

How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along

There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah"
-David Crowder

'Til Tuesday

"To all my friends from around the way." -Midtown

"I can't say good bye forever,
But I'll say good bye for now." -Mest

But don't worry
"The good times gonna come." -Aqualung

I know you're thinking:
"Please don't leave me now...when you're so far you'll forget about me." -Early November

But I'm thinking:
"You should know that I would never let you go." -Midtown
"And all I gotta say...is you're Extra Ordinary, baby." -Better Than Ezra

"I'm gonna smile and not get worried" -Jimmy Eat World

"As I go, remember all the simple things you know, My mind is just a crutch and I hope, that you will me when I'm gone - This is the last song." -All American Rejects

Off to Nashville for a great weekend of rejuvenation (I hope).
I'll miss you all dearly, but no worries, I will return to you all!!

For All of This

Again I get all these great thoughts as I lay in bed, trying to make sleep come. This weekend was just full of great conversations. Conversations with different kinds of people: Mom, Dube, Janet, My high school youth group.
Some of my Kiddo's are having struggles with their parents. Which ALL teenagers go through. It's just part of adolescence. I asked them if they ever tell their parents how much they appreciate everything they do for them...or that they love them. That also got me thinking. I don't even do that. My family has never been the kind to just finish a phone call with an "I love you" or when we leave after a holiday or just any time at all. We throw in an "I love you" when times are bad, but that's about it.

It also got me think about that whole phrase and how often I've used. For me, it's easier to use with girls. I can tell Becca or Lauren or Courtney that I love them, but I can't do that with my parents? I also don't think I've ever said that to a guy before. Well, I take that back, I've said it to my dearest friends, because I do love them, I'm just not "in-love" with them. You know what I mean? It's just always been easier for me to say it to girls that to boys. Weird.

Lot's more on my mind...but my arms are feeling ridiculously weak and it hurts to type...

"for all of this
i'm better off without you
do you regret so
your loneliness"
-The Early November

All Downhill from here...

You would think I was an 80 year old arthritic woman if you saw me right now.
I've always had back pains, ever since I was in high school I think it's just with my small frame and the way I sleep, it just aches a lot. And then I inhereted stress from my Dad, so it hurts whenever I worry too. Well, it got really bad my freshman year of college to where my mom took me to get an MRI to make sure everything was OK. Well it was...I just have a bad back.

Well, this weekend when I was sitting with my kids, I had the darndest time standing up. You would have thought I was pregnant the way I was grabbing my back everytime I stood up. And last night as I was brushing my teeth and washing my face, I just wanted to cry when I bent over the sink. Something is wrong. I don't know if I pinched something or what. It's usually just my muscles that hurt (I've been told I'm really 'tense' by a few people), but this pain is in my lower back and it hurts to to bend or sit or stand up. Weird huh. But I am stubborn so I'm just going to wait for the pain to go away. If I twist my body in just the right way I can get comfortable when I sleep. Although last night I had pillows stuffed everywhere trying to make it not hurt...but oh my gosh. I like to think I have a high tolerance for pain...tattoos where nothing, brother's punches are nothing, but this. Oh my gosh...I had tears in my eyes as I was trying to lay down. How ridiculous is that. It's not like I do ANYTHING strenuous to make it hurt.

Maybe I'm getting osteoporosis because I NEVER drink milk. Oh well...

"Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it’s all downhill from here
And it’s all downhill from here"
-New Found Glory

Just some stuff...

10 Years Ago: I was 13, living in Floresville, and in 7th Grade at Poth.

5 Years Ago: My Senior Year of High School...I was so ready to get out of there. I had a huge crush on Philip...

1 Year Ago: Where I am today...working

Yesterday I:worked...then went to Kyles to watch "Love Actually". Then went to KFC for some food.

5 Snacks I Like:
1. Peanut Butter M&M's
2. Honey Wheat Pretzel sticks
3. Mint Milano's
4. Coke from Sonic
5. fudgecycles

5 (of my favorite) Songs I Know By Heart:
1. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
2. You Lost that Lovin' Feeling - The Righteous Brother's
3. I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow
4. Changes - Good Charlotte
5. Reason - Mest

Five Things I Would Do With $1 Million:
1. Build a house...not a huge one...one that was modest, but nice
2. Buy a Hummer
3. Get my Dad a '56 Ford Pick-up and my Mom a Kia Sportage (that's what they both want) and I'd most likely get all my brother's a new vehicle as well
4. Give to the Church
5. Shop...and Save

5 Bad Habits:
1. worry
2. trying too hard to impress everyone
3. wanting everyone to like me
4. being a picky eater
5. Judging others

5 Biggest Joys:
1. Spending time with my awesome Family
2. Spending time with my awesome Friends
3. Knowing that I've made something of myself
4. Watching Peanut, my rat, clean herself...it's so cute
5. This one is for my future...

5 TV Shows:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. The Simpson's
3. Friends
4. Desperate Housewives
5. House

5 Girls/Boys I Would Date:
1. Chris Carraba
2. Wait...I'm not going to write down people I know...that's my secret.
3.
4.
5.

It's Getting Hot Hot Hot

Who knew it would still be in the upper 80's in November...only in Texas I guess. I don't really like cold weather, but I would love to be able to wear a long sleeved shirt. I've been wearing short sleeves and tank tops for so long that I'm ready to switch over to a different wardrobe. Plus it's always a good hair day with it's cold outside.

Nashville is coming up next Thursday and I'm getting a little antsy. I just want to push everything aside and just focus on leaving. I really like leaving...but I always like coming back. Sure hope Peanut is alright for the 4 nights that I'm gone...I may need to find her a sitter while I'm gone so that she doesn't get too lonely.

I wish I had some better things to say right now, but my focus and attention span is just crap right now. I can't seem to get anything done.

Stop It, Becky

I am pretty good at finding something to complain about. People know that I'm a complainer, I don't do it to be rude, I just for some reason find it easier to find things that need improvement. Whatever. Back to my complaints. I gripe a lot about not having money. I mean, I have money, but I don't really splurge a lot, I mostly just get the necessities. (Yea, right, I buy all kinds of stuff that I don't need)

Well I had the day off yesterday, and what did I do...I shopped. I also shopped on Friday before I left for this weekend retreat. We have this new shopping center that opened up in Georgetown and so when I get bored, I go there and look around. Best Buy just opened up this weekend. I thought having a Target close by was bad news...Best Buy is going to put a damper on my pay check. And, it did.

I bought 5 CD this weekend. At different times, but I got all of them. And I still have a list of ones that I want. They're all definitely worth the purchase, but again...I didn't really need them, yet I spent the money on them. Oh well. Here are my Great new purchases:

Midtown: Forget What You Know
Sheryl Crow: Wildflower
The Early November: For All of This
Aqualung: Strange and Beautiful
Mest: Photograph

Now that is a wide variety of music selections. But now I have something to listen to for almost all my moods. A couple of them like, Mest and Midtown, I had some of their other CD's and so I wanted to get the newer one's.
I already have a growing list of other CD's that I NEED to get. They're good, but I'm gonna have to wait until my next paycheck. I don't want to get too crazy with my spending. But now I have new stuff to listen to while I sit at my desk. Yea!!

"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes... "
-Aqualung

And God saw that it was Good...

Just got back from my weekend retreat with my Middle Schooler's. What a weekend. It was really great. It was nice to get away for a while and just be in Natures. Which was what the retreat was about...Nature and God's Creation. It was nice.

Plus, I got to see some great people that I don't get to see that often. I guess now, they are all my colleagues. Which is great...because they're my friends, plus we get to work together at times. Anyways...they're people that always make me smile when I see them. Maybe it's because I only get to see them every few months that it makes me happy to see them, and if I saw them more often, it wouldn't make me as happy. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

I ran into my old boss. I worked at this summer camp where the retreat was held and he is not the Executive Director. So we get to see each other pretty often and have become friends. Our Boss and Employee relationship is past and we are now friends. It's great. Anyways...he pulled me aside and was like we really need to talk. So we did.

He majored in Social Work and is just great with people. The first thing he told me was that he is great at reading people, which he is, and he noticed that I'm not "Becky" anymore. I was astonished. Someone that I don't see on a regular basis could tell that there was something wrong with me. So we sat outside and I just cried and spilled my little heart out. He had a few suggestions about what to do, so I was glad to have someone notice and care. Not that no one cares, but with my job, I'm the listener and I give the advice. I'm not always up for talking about myself and my problems. So it was nice to have someone listen and give me advice. We'll see what happens...
I'm not going to get into detail because some is personal...but I'm excited to see a change in myself.

Hypnotic

Wow. I just went to a bon fire last night for my Bible Study night. (It just something to livin' up our gatherings). I love Fire. No, I'm not a pyro. But there is just something about a fire that is so hypnotizing. I could just stare at it for hours. Only two things do that for me. Stars and Fire.

Both of those things I could just sit/lie and look at for hours on end and not get bored. That was one of my favorite "dates" of all times. I was at this camp that I used to work at and me and this guy just laid on the dock of the creek and stared at the stars. It just doesn't get old.
I also remember being in Pennsylvania with my friend Rob and there was a fire where we were at, and it was just so captivating. There's something about those two things that just draws your attention to it. I love it.

Well I'm off for a weekend retreat with my middle school kiddo's and so I most likely won't be back until Tuesday. I will miss you all terribly, but I promise I will return.

Life or Something Like it

I have recently found out, maybe not found, but actually caught myself complaining so much. Yes, I have always been known as someone who complained about anything and everything, but I've been letting it spill over into my everyday life and I need to quit that.

Everytime someone asks me: How I'm doing or How's the job or How's Georgetown. . . I don't have the usually: "I'm Fine" "Work is good" "Georgetown is great".

I actually tell them what I'm thinking. I have so much great things going in my life right now, but for some reason I've had this pesimistic attitude take over me. I tell people that I'm not doing that good and that the job is stressing me out. I think my main problem is not having anyone to share things with. Yes I have friends, but not like when I was in college.

I have one great friend here in Georgetown and I love hanging out with him, but I've been here almost two years and have only made one friend. That seems a little off. And it's taken that whole year to actually get comfortable enough with this person to where we can just hang out and it not be weird.
I have made plenty of internet friends...but it's so much easier having a relationship with a screen than to go out and be bold and meet people. Who knew? I have daily conversations with a few people on the internet, to where I share a little...but it's a little different than having them here in my face.

I think I'm just draining myself emotionally and physically and spiritual because I worry about that ALL the time. I don't fill myself up when I get the chance.

I have a short talk with my mom yesterday and it's great to know that someone else know's what's going on in my life. I'm a listener, that's what I do. I listen to my youth when they have something on their mind, but I don't get to really share my life with them...that's considered 'crossing the line'. I do share stuff with them...but not the personal stuff that you need an actual peer for. And even though my mom know's my struggles, there really isn't much she can do for me. I just have to be strong and live, live for God and do my job. She reassures me that she too went through all of this. Living alone, struggling, not feeling up to par all of the time. It's just part of Life and your growing process.
Sometimes it just makes me hurt. Literally. I have had these awful back pains ever since high school. They come and go, but they've come back. I think I'm just stressed too much, it makes my body hurt so bad. Just sitting right now is killing my back. Funny how little things can take an effect on your body.

I'm hoping this trip to Tennesse in a couple weeks will do some good. I know it's work, but just a change of scenery can sometimes do so much.

Mail

I love getting mail. It's so much more personal that getting an email on the computer. I just got a couple of picture CD's from my Best Friend's wedding. Becca is one of my oldest and greatest friends. One girl that I can just never be mad at. Anyways...thought I would share some pictures from her special day. It was such a beautiful wedding.
I just saw her this past weekend. She's about three months pregnant. How amazing is that? I'm so happy for her. A little jealous, but still happy for her.

Reba 1 and Reba 2 

The Bride and her Maids 

Popping rose petals and drinking some beers 

What's going on?

I had a great Halloween. I've never gotten into the whole Halloween scene, and this year, again, I didn't. But I got to hang out with an old friend from High School. Just found out he lives about 20 minutes away. So we ate some pizza, drank some beer, handed out candy, threw some darts, listened to music and watched TV. Yes, there was catching up through out the whole night because we hadn't seen each other in years. Lots of years. It was nice. Nice to be around familiar people. But we have more of a histoty since we went to High school together and lived in the same subdivision, so there's a comfort level when your around people you know. Relaxing in a way because you don't have to try to "fit" in because you already know them.
Anyways...I had a good time. But that's not what's on my mind...

I have been having these awful nightmare recently. It's just weird because I used to never have scary dreams, but for about a month, every now and then I have these nightmares. Nightmares where I wake up shaking like crazy, and scared out of my mind. Last night I woke up screaming...actually screaming. Then it's hard to go back to sleep. Plus, I live by myself so it's not like I can just crawl into bed with a roommate, but I have to lay there shaking until I fall back asleep.
I know there's more too it, but I don't want to give out so many more details. I have assumptions of what I think is going on...it's just starting to freak me out.

I know when I'm dreaming...it's weird, I know that I'm sleeping and I know nothing's happening, but I'm always trying to wake myself up, and I can't. There's more to that too...but it's just getting more and more frequent to the extent where I'm scared to fall asleep. Maybe I just need to start having sleep overs so that I won't have to go threw them alone.
I've been taking sleeping pills at times, but I don't want to get hooked on those. Those just give me a peaceful night sleep and at least let me fall asleep right away if I wake up from a dream. Anyways...just pray that they stop because I'm getting a little scared.

I Don't Like Forgetting

If I could somehow keep all my memories locked up somewhere so that they would never leave, I would. I have so many little 'trinkets', if you will, of small but important/interesting moments in my life. I have my grafiti shirt from a party in college that has quotes that my friends and I would say to each other.
I have a rose made out of a napkin that a "friend" gave me when I transfered to TLU.
I have a beanie that I took from a friend at a high school party.
And you know what's gross...I have a bottle of milk in my fridge that I bought in May that I haven't had the heart to throw out because it reminds me of someone...YUCK.
I even have the posty note on my kitchen table that told me that day and time of when Matt was coming in to visit me. May 26, 4:20.
There's more little things that I keep that remind me of certain occassions.

What makes people do that? I hate having these little "triggers". They usually take me to a "happier" place in my life. But at the same time it makes me sad because it reminds me of how things "used" to be. I realize that life isn't always going to be Rainbows and Sunshine, but why not just enjoy what I have now. I shouldn't let the past happy memories make me unhappy- I should just be happy that they happened. Then make more happy memories. Sometimes that's easier said than done...but it shouldn't be. I should just clean out my place and rid myself of: An empty package envelope that's sitting behind my couch, the milk bottle in my fridge, a shot glass from Houston, an old email that I keep in my pillow case.

This email used to always put a smile on my face. It was this great email about how just thinking about me would put a smile on this person's face. And hot it's nice to share things with someone else, or little things people like about me. An ameail that made me so happy and wanted...and now just makes me sad when I read it...yet I just can't throw it out. What's wrong with me? I just liked knowing someone had these great thoughts about me. But really, I only liked knowing that this certain person had these thoughts. It sometimes creeps me out when other people talk like that to me. ( I guess it's my self-esteem issues). But this guy was just different...
Aaaaahhhh, get off the subject Becky....

So I had an awesome weekend. My oldest brother came into Austin to visit some of his friends from high school. I got to tag along. Yea...I love those guys. It was me and about 6 guys and we all went to 6th street. It was great. Just hanging out and talking. One of his friends, who is married and has two childresn is about to get deployed in two weeks. So it was kind of a "last Hoo-Raw" for all of them. And as I was leaving and giving this guy a hug...He kept saying, "this will probably be the last time I see you." Now that is a statement that you don't want to hear, even if it is true. It's really a sad way to end things. Put's a damper on situations. I'll just pray for his safety to come home to his young family.

"It's the little things that make us who we are"

No Title

I always seem to come up with these profound and interesting things to write about in my blog right before I fall asleep. I keep thinking, I can't wait to right about this and it's going to be a good one. And by the time I wake up in the morning, my mind is blank and nothing comes to me. I hate that. I guess I'll have to start making notes of my thoughts as I lay in bed. Then I'll have something clever to write about and then people will think I'm an interesting person...

Yesterday was a good day. I actually got work done and I was busy all day. Of course I still checked my email and my myspace account about 30 times, but I also did something productive at work. I left early to work on some stuff at Starbucks. It's just nice to get a change of scenery while I work. Plus, Kyle met me up there so I didn't have to sit there alone. I can do certain things alone and I probably could have sat at a coffee shop alone, but it still nice to have someone there, even if we're not talking. But of course I got distracted and only did a little bit of work while I was there (I did get work done though), and ended up talking and doing cross word puzzles. Then when "work" was finished Kyle and I did some hanging out...watching I LOVE the 80's on VH1. Good times...interesting things happened in the 80's. Mesh shirts, head bands, Rocky Movies, Rambo, Weird Al, Tylenol and much more.

I also got to have dinner with his family. Weird. But it was nice. I really like having family style meals. Growing up, all six of us wouls ALWAYS have dinner together...every night. I miss that. I usually eat by myself up here, so I really enjoyed getting to eat with a family. Plus, they were all great people. Makes me that much more excited about going home for Thanksgiving. What a great holiday, you get to see all your family, have a great meal, give thanks for everything you have, and you don't have to buy presents for anyone. It's just a perfect holiday.

21 days till I go to Nashville for a Youth Worker's conventions!!!

What I DON'T Like

I really don't like it when random guys I don't know tell me that I'm hot. I don't know why, it just makes me really uneasy to know that there are guys out there saying, "hey, check out this hot girl". Then have the nerve to write me an email telling me how hot they think I am. Does that really work for them? Or for you ladies, does it work for you when a guys tells you how good you look? Maybe I'm in the minority on this one, but I just don't like when guys I don't know compliment me. I have a hard enough time taking compliments from guys that I do know. At least with the guys I know, they're being genuine...or at least have a little sincerity in their statement.

So for all you guys out there...lay off the silly compliments until later on. Just be yourself.

Ghost of a Good Things

I picked up a book the other night to try and put me to sleep. I have this book about the proper way to date as a Christian. I really don't agree with a lot of the stuff said in the book, but it did put my to sleep like I had planned. There was one quote in the book that really stook out to me. It's from some book that Matthew Henry wrote:
"Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him."

Isn't that a sweet way to look at creation? I like to think it is. I don't really have much to say about it, just that it got me thinking and I really like it.

Come in Last and Reach for First

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend. It was busy and non-stop, but it was great. I stayed with a couple of teenage girls this weekend because their parents were out of town. We had a blast. We went bowling, painted pottery, went to the movies, went out to eat and then did a lot of hanging out. It really helped that they were two wonderful girls.

But I also decided that I'm not ready to be a mother just yet. Not that they were hard to "take care" of, it's just that since they were in my care, I was worrying the whole time. I shouldn't have, but I did. I hope I don't turn out to be an over protective mother, but I'm really scared I will be. But I'll worry about that when the time comes. Plus, I also had to watch what I said or what I wore and how I acted. I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I like how it is now, I get to hang out with the awesome people in my youth group and then have them go to their own home at the end of the day.

Who are We?

Who are we really? Are we who we are behind closed doors? Are we who we are in front of friends, relatives, coworkers? I think we all have many faces, and we wear them around certain people and during certain circumstances.
Around my friends I am a very independent person. Strong-willed and I know what I want. Mostly I'm just all talk. I talk like I'm a Bad-Ass, when really I'm as weak as a kitten. I'm very strong when I need to be. I'm also very sensitive around them I can show them my emotions and am always happy when with friends.

When I'm around my family - I show all my faces. I'm very vulnerable when with them. I'm not scared to cry about my life to them or share my deepest problems. I'm so comfortable and feel so safe around my family that I can share just about every emotion.

I had a conversation with a friend a while back and he told me that hanging out with me is completely different than his perception of me when I write in this blog. When I'm alone, I am a very sad person, I have my reasons and I know why I'm sad - I've just always cried easily. He said he would never have suspected that because I act very strong and stable around him - and around everyone else.

Does that mean there are two different me's? Maybe there's really 10 or 15 me's. We all act differently in different situations. I guess it's just how we handle ourselves that make us who we really are.
As long as we have our convictions. I am one person. I am one person who loves her family and friends and wants the best for them. I am one person who wants to be a certain way for certain people so that I can know they only see...the best of me.

I only want people to see me as a stong woman who can survive on her own and doesn't need to see the vulnerable and scared side of her.

"You say hello,
inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight,
in my mind I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart,
And I don't know."
-Butch Walker

Aaaaaaa.....So.....Tired.....

Wow...it's getting harder and harder to do stuff in a weekend. I try to fit so many things in that I just wear myself out. Friday was packed with shopping with a friend and going to Volley Ball games. Saturday was going to San Antonio for a lunch and then back for a Halloween festival for church. San Antonio is just too far to drive just for lunch. But it was for family so I'm glad I went. I picked up my cousin in Austin and brought him along. He's really enjoyable to talk to. I never realized that growing up. I guess we're both at that age where we can be friends.

I also got a phone call last night at about 3:15 a.m. Usually I don't answer those calls because it's my friends being stupid. But I listened to the voice message that was left and it sounded sad...so I called back. It was a friend from college that was just having a hard time dealing with certain circumstances in his life. As a guy, I think it's hard for them to open up...especially to another guy friend. So I was honored that he thought to call me to talk. But at the same time it makes me feel just like the "girl next door" because I'm the one that people feel comfortable talking to. They know I won't judge them and they know I'm a sincere person. But it also hurts because that's all I'm going to be to a lot of my friends...just that girl that they can talk to.

It shouldn't bother me because I love that people see me that way. That they value what I have to say. I've always considered myself a good friend. And it just goes to show that I am...I haven't seen this guy in over a year, but he still chose me out of all of his friends to call and pour his heart out too. It was a very emotional conversation, very draining. So after about an hour of talking we decided to hang up. Well, of course I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was just racing with different thought about his life and about my life and what we're both doing. I seriously couldn't sleep. I got off the phone at 4:00 and I was still tossing and turning at 7:00...that sucks because I had to get up at 7:45. I'm just really worn out today.

I had to take my middle schoolers to Marble Falls to do a Corn Maze, which was awesome. And now I'm about to meet with my High Schoolers. I'm just ready to get to sleep. I definitely need a vacation after today.

Mmmmm....Mocha Frappacino

I absolutely love getting coffee with Lauren. It always turns into a TWO HOUR social of boy talk. I guess it's not ALL about boys, but I would say a good 92% is boy related. We throw some work related stuff in every now and then. But mostly it's just fun talk about what's going on in our lives. We're on the path of finding a person that we can share the rest of our lives with, we learn from our mistakes and try to move on.

I've noticed that I have a criteria that I use when it comes to guys...what kind of person I want to be with and whenever they don't meat one of those criteria, it's kind of like...OK, NEXT. I shouldn't be so judgmental...maybe the person I have outlined for me isn't who I'm supposed to be with. Here is what I look for:
*Christian...preferably Lutheran, but I think can handle something other than that. (I grew up in a house where my parents where different religions, it was hard, but it works)
*Tall...preferably like 5'10" to like 6'4". I don't know, I've just always had a thing for really tall guys.
*Non-Smoker
*Dark hair. That's a little picky, but I do, I like darker hair.
*In a band. That's kind of just a bonus, I like rockers, tattoos, black clothes...all that fun stuff.
*Pretty. I'm a sucker for pretty boys.
*Nice teeth. Smiles are just so captivating, I would like to look at a nice one.
*Strong forearms. I just have a thing for them, I don't know.
*Sarcastic...I can't take sweetness all the time.
*Funny, good sense of humor, will make fun of me or others.
*Good job, hopefully has a college education. I don't want to be the bread winner.
*Someone that doesn't want me to dress up all the time and look skanky.

Now there have been three boys in my life that actually fit all these things. Two I sort of dated and the other one, I just have a huge crush on. I think I only have a crush on him because he has all those qualities that I listed not because he's HOT or anything...well, he is hot, but I noticed that after I became his friend.
But I'm so bad about finding the faults in guys because they don't have a certain quality that I've always thought I wanted. What if God doesn't want me to be with someone like I described above? What if I'm supposed to be with someone completely opposite of that? Would I just push them away because they don't fit my outline? I hope not. I'm assuming when that right person comes along it'll be easy and I'll just be like...you're the one. I guess I won't know until it happens, but as a girl...I think about that all the time. Maybe I need to change my "what I look for in a guy" list...
I don't know.

Kangaroo

I was just browsing through some pictures on myspace and saw a picture of a kangroo and it jogged my memory...

I love the movie Love Actually, it's just a great story. It begins and ends at the airport. It's fun to people watch in airports, watch people cry and hug as they leave and also again when people arrive. It is just an emotional time for everyone there pretty much.

When I was at the airport a couple weeks ago to pick up Chris, I had an awesome time.
The first thing that happened was: I was standing around like an idiot at the bottom of the escalator waiting and a lady walks by pulling this big box. The kind that you take a dog in. Well as it got closer, it was a kangaroo. It was so neat. It was just one of those random things that puts a smile on your face to see a lady pull a kangaroo through the airport.

2nd thing: An older gentlemen saw me standing by myself and asked if everything was alright. I told him, yes, I'm fine. Then he says he has bad knees and really didn't want to walk up the two flights of stairs to the third floor. So, I pointed to the other side of the airport and said there's an escalator over there if that's easier for you. He just looked at me and said, "Lady, You're the Best." and walked away. Again...another smile on my face.

3rd thing: Chris arrived. It's always just neat to meet people at the airport. There's always hugs involved.

Harmonica's

I was watching Austin City Limits last night because that's the only thing on that was descent. Well, Jack Johnson was playing...not only is he an amazing artist, but he had G. Love as a guest performer. Whom, I love. Anyways, G. Love, for one of the last songs played the Harmonica. I really think that is such a neat instrument. It brought back memories of when I worked in Pennsylvania a couple summers ago. I met this guy Rob there and we were good friends. Well, we went to eat in some small town in the middle of nowhere and I rode with Rob. Half way through the ride he reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a harmonica. He begins to play Amazing Grace on it (I guess that's just the first song everyone learns on an instrument). It was Awesome. Kind of Hot, in a way, if you know what I mean. Awww...memories.

Weak

You would think of having lived on the third floor of my apartment complex for like a year and seven months I would be used to walking all those flights of stairs. I just went home for lunch and almost had to take a break half way through. It's embarassing. I think my legs are still sore from wearing heels all weekend, but oh my goodness, my legs hurt so back walking up those stairs today. It wouldn't be so bad if I only did it once a day, but I come home for lunch and then sometimes I go out in the evening times. Gosh...I'm a weakling. I shouldn't complain, at least I have legs, right.

Also, I have a myspace account and I just changed the front picture on it and I got to work this morning and I had like 8 random emails in my inbox from creepy guys wanting to "make new friends". Some seem pretty normal, but others are just old guys preying on little girls. I guess it's sweet that they notice me, but still...I get a little weirded out. Kyle says I should just be flattered about it, but I have a hard time with that. I don't like knowing (or thinking) that guys think I'm hot. I guess that's just my crummy self esteem showing itself. oh well.
I have seen more people that I went to High School with on it. That's kind of neat. People that I haven't seen in years and probably wouldn't have talked to ever again, so that's pretty cool.
Life is good.

Another One Down

One of my oldest friends, Krista, got married this past weekend. It was a gorgeous wedding. It was outside in the Botanical Gardens in San Antonio. What an AWESOME place to get married. It was perfect for a small wedding like this one.
I have known Krista for all the 23 years of my life. She was my first friend. We don't hang out like we used to because she's 4 years older than I am. So once she got into high school she was a little to cool for me. But we're good now. I'm so happy for her. Plus doesn't she look amazing? I always thought she was a beautiful girl and Saturday she was even more gorgeous.

Congratulations to Krista and Joseph!!

My brother, Andy, and I at the wedding 

Krista and I on her wedding day. 

What I Can't Have

I want what I can't have, I've always wanted something that I can't have. Only once I get it...I don't want it anymore. I'm assuming that I'm not the only one like that. We ALL should strive for something that is out of reach, right?

I think that's why I'm so caught up on this one situation. It only bothers me because it's not going the way I planned. I can't have a certain something, not just because it's out of reach, but because it won't let me have it. That just makes me want it even more.

I'm like this with everything. I'm a skank for shoes. I have so many, yet I only wear like the same 4 in a rotation...unless I'm dressing up, and even then, it's the same black shoes. Anyways...There was a pair of Puma's that I just had to have, but didn't want to spend the money on. Well, I just broke down and bought them. Now, they just sit in my closet. I wear them every now and then, but it's not the same as when they were sitting on the shelf and I just HAD to have them. I want what's out of reach and then when I get them....there's no excitement. I'm the same way with guys. The chase is much better than the capture. I just get tired of things too quickly. Help! No commitment in me.
I always think there is when I'm feening for something...but once I have it...*poof* it's gone. I think that's why I get to hung up on people. They don't want me around and that just makes me want to be around them more. I don't know if it's to piss them off, or to just want what's not there. I don't know. I never know.

Update

Well the visit to the vet was a little more than what I was expecting.
She's had a growth on her brain pretty much ever since I got her. And the pressure of it was just builing up too quickly for her. It was a rapid progression, at first it was just a little ear ache, then Thursday she lost feeling in her left front paw and then Friday morning she lost all use of her left side. It was really sad to see. But she was getting a lot of nerve damage from the build up on her brain. Sad, I know. I asked the vet to tell me what was really going to happen. He said that since it was moving really fast that she would only have about a week or so to live. He asked me if I wanted to give her a cortizone shot...it would either makes things real good or, it would help her for now and when the shot where's off it could be worse. Well, the shot was cheap so I figured I'd give it a go. She's doing really well now...running around. She got feeling back into her left side. (although she was screaming the whole time he was giving her the shot :( ) I was crying the whole time...it's sad to hear that your pet is going to die in the next week or so. He even told me if it starts to get really bad I should just put her to sleep so that she doesn't have to suffer. I wouldn't be able to do that, I would have to get someone to do that.
Needless to say I'm weak and these two days have been rough. I just don't want to go to work and wonder if she is still going to be alive when I get home. That's a sad feeling. Oh well...I guess I'll just focus on today and that fact that I have to go to a wedding in a bit. At least the sun is out. That's good. Yesterday I was FREEZING all day. I didn't know it was supposed to be cold, all I packed for home was flip flops and some caprees. I am just now getting a warm. OK...enough.

Precious Peanut

I have to take my poor baby into the Vet in a little while. Last night she was limping on her front left paw, and this morning, she's not using any of her left side feet. It just makes me so sad to watch her move around. I know she's just a rat...but she's my pet and I Love her. I wasn't really planning on spending money on a vet visit for her. But she needs some type of help.

Pray for her. Our appointment is in about an hour.

Imaginary Rut

You know, I complain about life and work and friends sometimes but then I have days where I just think (know) that everything is wonderful. Like Tuesday when I got to dance in the rain. That was just a good time. Yesterday was awesome too. This is how awesome my job is: I wanted to leave early to meet up with some friends, so I go to the secretary and I just say "So, I just talked to a friend and they're at Happy Hour right now, I think I'm going to go meet them." And that's exactly what I did. It was only a little earlier than what I usually would have left, but still. I like that we aren't strict here.

But then I didn't get anything done that I was going to do after work. I had laundry to do, I wanted to start doing some packing for this weekend, I need to clean out Peanuts cage because I'm gonna take her with me, plus, run some errands. Now I only have a little time after work today to do that stuff. But I won't complain, at least I got to do something with actual people last night. Good times. I was also laying in bed last night with this great piece of interesting facts that I wanted to talk about today in my blog, but I was like "I'm not going to write it down because I'll remember by tomorrow morning." WRONG, I don't have the slightest clue what I was thinking about. Oh well....maybe I'll some interesting stuff to say later on...

So Hard to Stay

It's weird how songs just make you really emotional. Or maybe I'm just being a girl and everything makes me emotional. I was listening to that song Photograph, by Nickelback last night and a phrase in the song really caught my attention:

"I miss that town
I cannot believe it
So hard to stay
So hard to leave it"

That's exactly how I feel about my hometown. I had some great memories growing up in Floresville, and I also had some really bad ones. Either way it's HOME.
I notice it a whole bunch when I go home for holiday's. There's really nothing to do there, but drive to San Antonio. I don't think I would ever want to live there again, but I guess I should never say never. Whenever I stay for a couple of days it always makes me feel so comfortable. My parents are there, some of my brother's are there. I just like the feeling of being around family. When I went home for Christmas I stayed for about 4 nights (I haven't done that in a LONG time). I had the hardest time leaving. I think I cried for most of the 2 hour drive back to Georgetown. I miss that feeling of having someone to come home to, or knowing that someone is going to be there when I wake up. Someone is there when I need to talk about feelings, life, work, friends, whatever. But that song has such a deep meaning for me. It is hard to go home because there's nothing real exciting there, but it's so hard to leave my family because I just love them so much.

I'm going home this weekend and I'll be there for about 3 nights and I'm already preparing myself for Sunday afternoon when I'll be leaving them. I hate saying Good-bye, no matter who it is.