This is Our World

What a weekend. I'm just spent. I could sleep for days. I have gross bags under my eyes...that hasn't happened in a while.
The weekend was just jammed with stuff. My meetings on Thursday and Friday evening were pretty much pointless to an extent. I could rip my hair out sometimes. But I got to spend the night with my friend Courtney on Friday. That was good for us. We hardly get to see each other any more.

Saturday was a wedding shower for an old family friend. That was fun to see all of them again. But it was an evening one, so I didn't stay long because I had to be back that night because of church the next day. So it was just a little rushed. I got pulled over on the way back in San Marcos. I thought it was because I was talking on the phone and going 13 miles over the recommended speed. NO. It was because I was driving in the left hand lane and not letting the people going faster than 13 miles over pass. WHAT?!! I wasn't paying attention to that, I was distracted by my phone conversation. Whatever...the cop was nice and just let me go with a spoken warning. Not even a paper warning. I guess it helps to be cute!! Just kidding.

Sunday was a good day as well. Got to see lots of friends. My best friend Becca is pregnant. That's exciting. She's going to be an amazing mother. I love her too much. But now I'm in the funk where, not only are ALL my friends getting married, but they're starting a family. I'll just quietly sulk. Not really. I'm super happy for all of them.
But you want more news? Here it is. Matt was in Dallas Again this past week...not even an email to say..."hey I'm in Texas". Jerk. Not reall, he's really nice when he sends me emails. Whatever.

Talked with Chris last night and he bought a plane ticket to come see me the last weekend in September. That's exciting. It should be fun, but I keep thinking...why put ourselves through this when we already established the fact that there won't be a future between us. Well, I guess we'll just see what happens.

"This is our world.
It's not his, or her's or mine.
This is our world.
Don't you think it's time we started living like what we know."
-Ryan Davenport

I don't mean to Brag

While I was having dinner with Julie and her family the other night (she's my Bible Study leader) she asked me if I work out. Now, this is not the first time I have been asked this question. I looked at her with one of my usually "funny" expressions, and said 'Of course I don't work out'. She was amazed. Her reply was "your arms are just that well defined". Being unaware of the circumstances, I just said I guess.
I have never noticed if my arm are toned or if my stomach is flat...that's just how my body is. I've heard it before from others, but I always just brush it off. But now I'm a little excited that people notice...is that weird? I guess that gives people more reason to be pissed to because I don't have to work at my appearances...well, maybe I work on my hair and my face but not the hard stuff. Now, I'm not trying to sound cocky by any means...it's just nice to be complimented.

I talked with Chris last night as well. We always end up talking way too late and then I'm always tired the next day. Funny thing I noticed last night: I lay in my bed as I talk on the phone with him, and it's usually late, so all the lights are off that way all I have to do is hang up the phone and go to sleep. OK, so you know how if you see a bright like and you close your eyes, there's that image of something on the back of your eyelids...well last night, as I was hanging up the phone and checking the time, the back light seemed extra bright. So I put the phone away and shut my eyes...you know what the image was in my eyes....a heart. It was so weird. Kind of sweet.

Well, this is going to be a busy weekend. Going home for a wedding shower for an old family friend and then Sunday I'm going to Lutherstock. It's a couple of Christian bands that get together for a show out at the summer camp that we go to every year. It's for my high school kids. I'm excited...Ryan is going to be playing solo as one of the acts. Yea...I always like listening to him sing.

How are you?

I just finished having snacks with the quilting ladies. Every Wednesday at 10:00, there are some kind of goodies being served. Yum!

I noticed that whenever someone asks me "How are you?". I ALWAYS smile and say "I'm good" "Things are wonderful" "Fantastic" and so on.

Why is that? Is it just an instinct? Because then I feel bad because it's usually a type of lie. I'm not always good, I just don't want people to know that I'm not doing as good as I should be...

Holding on by Letting go...

I had dinner with my Bible Study leader and her family last night. That was nice to just be in a home and hang out with someone. This is going to be a stressful couple days ahead of me. I'm on a planning team for a high school gathering at the end of December and for some reason whenever we meet it takes about 3 or 4 hours. I HATE it. Mostly because I didn't really volunteer to do anything...people just ASSUMED that I would help. So we have a big meeting Thursday night, which makes me mad because I wanted to go to a Bible Study. Hopefully, I'll still go, I'll just be super late. Then we have another one on Friday night. Who plans meetings on Friday nights? I had plans to go home friday afternoon, but now I have to wait until about 5:00 for the meeting which could quite possibly last a couple hours, before I leave. Whatever.
Life just makes me want to scream right now....

I could quite possibly be the most ridiculous girl in the world. Why do I still have these ridiculously strong feelings for someone that is so far away and doesn't even try to make any kind of contact with me. How can someone be attracted to someone like that? Seriously? Is it just my sick way of torchering myself? I mean come on...It's been like over three months since I've even talked to this guy, but in all seriousness, he still pops into my mind daily. Why am I putting myself through this. I have my good days...but I guess today is just a bad day. I'm better than this. I think of him and I think of all the wonderful and sweet things he did for me, but that's all I focus on. I keep looking past the fact that he doesn't care....
I guess all the emotions are coming back because I know what Chris is going through. But come on. At least I still keep a friendship with him and talk about what's going on and what's going to happen. Shit, Matt just dropped me like a bag of shit. I need to just quit being a girl and move on. So why is it so hard for me? I don't know.




"Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you"
-The All American Rejects

Where does my strength Come from?

Sometimes I just get so confused about all sorts of stuff. Stuff that should be confusing, stuff that should be easy. I was talking with Chris last night for a long time and we were discussing our "situation" that we are in. We've only been talking for a couple of weeks and spend two full days together and already he's telling me he has these feelings for me. In my mind I'm thinking "What?...we haven't even known each other that long, how can you feel this way already?" But then I think...that's exactly how it was when Matt came down. I fell head over heels when I first saw him at the airport and have had a very difficult time with him not wanting anything to do with me right now.

Weird how stuff like that happens. It's the same situation, but turned around. I mean, I do like Chris, we had a great time together when I was in Sturgeon Bay. But I'm trying to be realistic about the situation. I don't want to put myself through any of this again, with the whole long distance. Because I know reality says that nothing can come of this that can lead to a future together. I won't move to Wisconsin and he won't move to Texas...so it's fun for now, but why put ourselves through whole ordeal of "feelings" when we could be finding someone closer to us. And now I'm thinking...I would have dropped everything and moved to Detroit if Matt would have asked me to. Why is that? I guess I was just infatuated with the idea.

I'm thinking once I find that "ONE" person, it won't be this hard. Things will just work out and I won't have to question anything about what I'm feeling. Things will just be right. Right? Of course.

I guess I just need to live right now and do my job because this is my place right now. Working in Georgetown at this awesome church and just being BECKY for now. My day will come...

"I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
creator of the earth

oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

so I will wait for You
to come and rescue me
to come and give me life"
-Kutless

Chris and I in front of the "Bridge" in Sturgeon Bay 

Back to Texas

Well...I'm back from my journey to the North. I had an awesome time. Wisconsin is just a very beautiful state...at least the parts that I went to. Lots of farms and silo's and cows. A little chilly for the beginning of September, but it was really nice.

I saw a lot of the neat sites around Lake Michigan. That is so beautiful. I didn't realize how large that lake really is. It looks like the ocean. You can stand and look at it, and not see land in front of you. I'm not used to Lakes being that large. And the water was clear, you could see down to the bottom...I guess Texas just isn't that clean. Then we just checked out all the small touristy towns up there, saw goats on a rooftop at one of the restaurants, played some mini-golf...Yes, I won. Then we had dinner at his parents house. Apparently they had just been dying to meet me. They were a really sweet family.

Chris was awesome too. We had a great time hanging out, we got along really nicely. He owns a Harley Davidson, so Friday we spent all day riding that. We drove it into Green Bay, which is about an hour away. We checked out the Green Bay Packers Stadium. There was a caged Grizzly Bear there...that was unexpected. Pretty neat. The rest of the time, when we weren't site-seeing, we were just hanging out watching movies or tv. Not real exciting...but just hanging out time.

It was sort of hard to leave on Saturday morning. But I was strong. I really didn't want to put myself through another "Matt" situation. Because that seriously killed. I do like Chris and we get along great, but I just can't make myself "fall" for someone again that is so far away. Knowing something could never come of it, is just pointless to try, right? I don't think I could ever leave Texas...and I know for a fact he could never leave Wisconsin.

But it's nice to have that friendship with someone far away. He'll most likely come to Texas sometime and we'll hang out, and maybe I'll go back to Wisconsin. I don't know what the future holds. At least he still calls me once I left. Not like some other out-of-state person I know. Anyways...it was a great trip.
But when it comes to relationships...I think I'm going to need to start looking a little closer to my area. At least try and stay in Texas :)

check out the rest of my pictures: http://beckyalynpics.blogspot.com/

This is It

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!
I'm getting so nervous. But I am so excited to go to Wisconsin. That should be neat.

I was talking with Christ last night and he was telling me that his mother already had this huge dinner planned for tonight when I get there with the whole family. I am so glad that Chris got me out of that one. I'm sure they're wonderful people...but that's not really something I want to do right away. That would be a little intimidating. So we'll just hang out together tonight. That should be a little more pleasant.

I still don't really know what he looks like. So I'm going to get to Green Bay and just look around. He know's what I look like, so at least he'll know what to look for. Mary (his cousin that goes to my church) told me to just look for a hot guy with dark hair...That could be anyone.

OK...I'm outta here. Pray for me as I make this journey by myself.

(Lauren...I'll talk to you soon, OK)

Had A Blast

This weekend was awesome. Something that i was looking forward to and it was great. I got to see all my extended family on Saturday. We had a huge Bar-B-Que with everyone, which was great. I really love my family. Plus my cousins have little kids and they're always fun to play with.
I also got to go home this weekend. My whole family was there...all 6 of us. That was awesome. We haven't all been at the house together at one time since Christmas morning. Well, my two older brother's and I went to the Falls City Church Picnic on Sunday which was good times. It was just a good day. Lots of people that we all went to high school with were there, so we all got to play catch up. Beer and Barbeque...can't beat that. Then on Monday we were all back at the house together. We had a huge hamburger lunch. It was weird to all be around the same table we grew up eating around togher. Then we just sat outside. We do that a lot. Just sit on the back porch telling stories. I even found a copperhead snake in the yard and got to watch my dad and my brother Andy chop it up.
Anyways...it was just great to be home for a while and have everyone there. That just doesn't happen much anymore.

Am I Crazy??!!!

Seriously, am I?
I just purchased a plane ticket to fly to Wisconsin next Wednesday...
I must be out of my mind. OK...so Yes, I did have a guy fly out to see me...but that's different. Now, I'm flying out to see a guy. I've only talked to him like three times on the phone too. That's ridiculous. I guess it can't be that bad. His cousin goes to my church and can vouch for him, but still. It's a little nerve racking for me to do that.
Plus that means I have to fly by myself. That's going to be just as scary. And layovers...they're only like 35 minutes...I sure hope that's enough time to get from one terminal to the next.
Maybe I should just stop thinking of everything that can go wrong and just have fun with it.

I just talked to my cousin about it, I asked if he could drive me to the airport. I told him the story and he was just blown away that I would be doing something like this.

At least I'll have a neat story to tell...right?

Acoustic #3

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway

-GooGoo Dolls

How do you know?

The past couple weeks I've really been contemplating what I should be doing with my life. Not just right now, but also in the future.

The people that Lauren and I met in Key West all had college degrees and just decided that since they didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives, they would just move to the Keys for a while and just LIVE and work. How awesome to be able to just pick up and leave.

As for me I graduated college early, got a salary paid job, medical and dental insurance, FICA, plus, I set up my own additional retirement plan. This was all while I was 21. What kind of sane 21 year old does something like that? I was talking with my neighbor about life yesterday and if I was missing out on anything. How many people my age are even out of college? I look at what I have done and I am so proud of myself and I know that when I'm older I'm going to appreciate everything that I have done, espcially that I have a couple retirement plans so that hopefully I will be able to retire when the time comes. BUT...I am still so young. Shouldn't I be living and seeing the world and doing all this exciting stuff now before I settle down?

I don't know what life is supposed to be lie. One side of me wants to just travel around and get odd jobs wherever I land...but then the other side of me is thinking: Becky you have it so awesome right now and are in a secure position that people older that you are wanting what you have right now.

How am I supposed to know what I should be doing??

"These are my thoughts written down on paper,
It's my only savior,
From not saying what I want to say,
These are the thoughts that are on my mind,
Moments that haven't yet been defined,
And I don't know if you could ever understand,
These are the things I can't say when were alone."
-NFG

Galaxy 500

So this weekend was awesome. I really had a good couple of days. My younger brother and my cousin spent Thursday night at my place, and so we hung out on Friday. We did lunch at Chili's...My treat...and then we went to the movies. We saw "40 Year Old Virgin"...I had already seen it on opening night. But that was the only movie I wanted to see out of the ones they chose. It was hilarious, even the second time. So that was good times.

Then, Saturday I went to an awesome 16th Birthday party for Brinney...Good times!!

But I got to hang out with my cousin Richard again that night. It was fun. I had never really actually hung out with him before. Him and my brother are the same age so they always hung out together. But he took me down town and we went to a "Going Away" party for our friend Brad who is going into the Peace Corp next month. Anyways...it was great. We hung out at the party and then we even went bowling together. I didn't realize how much fun this is. We'll probably hang out together more often, now that we got that initial first time 'hanging-out' out of the way.
Whatever...Sunday was good to. I had a couple of pool parties that I had to attend for my youth. They all turned out really well, a good show at both of them. And I didn't even have to get in and swim. I was just the authority figure, which is great, because I'm not much of a swimmer.

I also got a phone call from Wisconsin boy (chris) last night. We ended up talking for about 3 hours. It was nice. He seems like a really neat person. I don't know what to expect of it because it was kind of a "forced" meeting. Not really... I don't know how to describe it without writing an essay. Anyways...I would like to talk to him again because we seemed to get along on the phone. I don't know...we'll see what comes out of it.

Phone Calls

Yesterday was jus the day for phone calls...

Carl: One of my best friends from college called and was returning a phone call about a meeting he needs to be at with me tonight. He's helping us on a project for December.

Dube: I had a huge crush on him in College and we were really good friends. He just wanted to catch up and see how things were going. That really made me smile. He is such a nice guy, so it was nice to hear from him and know that he was thinking of me.

Daniel: My younger brother...he just wanted to know if he could crash at my place for the night. He did, it was fun. We hung out.

Chris: That guy from Wisconsin that a lady from the church is trying to hook me up with. He has a VERY deep voice with an accent. It was nice to hear from him actually. We only talked for about 10 minutes, but he'll said he'll call later.

Chris: Another guy from sort of TLU. I hung out with him a couple weeks ago on 6th Street. We kind of made out a little even though he has a girlfriend. I felt bad afterwards, but whatever. Anyways...he said he was going to come up in a couple weeks and said he would call to hang out. Plus, he just wanted to hear my voice. Puh-Leaze. I don't understand guys. Plus, when were getting off the phone, he called me "mama"...OK, so I do have some people that call me that, but they're close friends. So for him to do that was kind of weird.

All in all it was an interesting day of phone converstaions.

Brighter than Sunshine

This is definitely a song I would like to dance to at my wedding (whenever that may be):

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine A
nd it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...

-Aqualung

I Did It

I'm trying to freshen up my life right now. I'm not real sure how to do that...but that's what I want to do right now.
I deleted Matt from some of my profile sites...Everytime I log on to them, his face pops up and it just makes me hurt. So...I did it. I took him off and hopefully that will do something. Plus I'm just trying to stay positive. Sometimes that's a little easier said than done. I'm not someone that can just push people out of my life and forget about them. Everyone stays with me somehow. So that's a big deal for me to do that to someone. But it's for the Best and it will make me a Better person. Hopefully a little happier.

Brighter than Sunshine

I like opening up my Rolling Stones Magazine and reading about people from Texas. I just think it's neat. I also like it when I actually like the people.

In college I lived next door to these awesome soccer players. They were great guys. Well, they were I guess, 'Thugs at Heart'. If you know what I mean. Anyways...they were really into this Mike Jones character. I listen to rap, I even did my senior thesis on rap music. But I had never heard of him. Well, they made me one of his cd's and it's great. It's all free-style, chopped and screwed. Good stuff. But it was one of those things that if you weren't from Houston, you most likely had never heard of him. Well, of course now he's all over the radio. But I just like thinking back a couple years when it was all new to me. Good times.

"Hittin the block with rocks in socks let down my top
when the sun is hot
ice drippin from grilling watts
some complain cause Mike is hot"
-Mike Jones

I watched "Alot like Love" last night. Now that was a great movie. I had never seen it. It was super good. I really enjoyed. I'll recommend that to you all.

"What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine A
nd it's brighter than sunshine"
-Aqualung

Lesson's on Happiness

1. Be on the lookout for negative thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking your life is terrible, stop the thought in its tracks.

2. Put things in perspective. Remember, everyone's life is full of sorrows and joys.

3. Try to find the good in bad situations. If you've suffered a setback at work, for example, look at what the situation tell you about yourself and learn from it. But don't dwell on it.

4. Learn from your mistakes. Failure is one of the greatest learning tools, but many people let failure deeat them. Learn and try, try again.

5. Even if you're felilng down, act as if your mood is good. Smile at others. Laugh. After a while, you may find that your mood really does improve.

6. Be grateful. Gratitude can help you focus on what's right in your life.

Sure, some of this sounds easy...but it's not always.

As taken from the July 2005 Issue of the Mayo Clinic Health Question

Little Things

Have you ever noticed how little things just trigger your memory? Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing.
The song "It's Been A While" always reminds me of Justin because he would constantly sing that when we worked at camp together.
Margarita's make me think of Courtney.
The smell of cloves reminds me of the summer of 2002.
Napolean Dynamite makes me think of just about all my high school youth.
The list could go to.
Well I was walking down my short hallway in my apartment this weekend and I noticed that my High School Graduation picture was hanging upside down. Yes, I had noticed it earlier but I just never did anything about it. Well, Matt did that while he was down and I just thought it was cute to keep it like that. Why did I keep it like that? Because I'm a girl. I hate these little triggers that just bring thoughts flooding back into my head...get them out!!

"The Little things, little things
They always hang around
The Little things, little things
They try to break me down
The Little things, little things
They just won't go away
The Little things, little things
Made me who I am today"
-GC

I also don't understand what goes on in people's minds when they say..."I'll call you later" or "We'll talk soon". Just say: "I'm NOT going to call you, so don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring". Yea, it's harsh, but I'd rather hear that than wonder when the next time a phone call is going to come. I've actually had a friend tell me that once...goodness was there a ton of questions going through my mind. But you know, as much as it hurt, I wasn't waiting around like an idiot for something to happen. I still sit around thinking...maybe he'll call today. Damn, Becky. Get over it.

On another note. I sure did get a lot of compliments on Sunday about how good I looked. I don't want to brag, but I can clean up nicely when I want to.
I got my first pedicure yesterday too. It was a treat from my future mother-in-law for my birthday. It was a nice little day. I was extremely impresed with it. Usually, I don't like anything near my feet, but I was so glad that I did that. Good Day.

Are You Kidding Me???

Seriously...what's the deal with blogger spam. That is ridiculous. Aaaaauuuuugh...

So yesterday was a non-stop day. I got to work and was actually doing stuff when another area youth director came over to chit-chat over some ideas. Well turns out that I just started to vent about life and the sorts and she was like...OK, let's get out of here. So we ran some errands, went to lunch, and worked on an event that we are doing together with some other churchs tomorrow. Anyways...it was nice to get out of the office and be with people for a while. But it was a long day, I didn't get back to my church to go home until 7:00...I was beat. But I scrounged up enough energy to go meet up with Lauren.

Really, I wouldn't have missed it even if I was tired. She keeps me sane. Plus, who wouldn't want to hang out with her. I love spending time with her. We went to the usually spot...*bux. Love it. And just talked about life, boys, work, and shared some more Key West Pictures. Her's are amazing...be looking for those in the future.

Then I went straight to the wonderful town of Walburg for a little Kariokee watching. I say watching because there is no way I would get up in front of people I don't know and make a fool of myself. But Kyle...I respect you for that. You and Brandon were AMAZING. Yes, that was sarcasm. But still, I mean it. Good times. Thanks for calling to hang out.

Since I got to stay out late last night...I slept till about 11:15. Holy Moly, I haven't slept that late for a while now. But it was great, I really needed that. So today is going to be a lazy day...YESSSS. Maybe a movie tonight, right? Alright, Peace Out yo's.