Games, Changes and Fears

Where to start? I had an amazing weekend. It just could not have been any bettter. It was just so nice to be with someone and hang out. We didn't do much but hang out. I feel kind of bad for not taking him around and seeing the "sites", but I still don't know all the great places to go. But I had a good time just being able to be next to him.
We watched a lot of DVD's, that was great. I love watching movies. But I was just so tired for most of the time. That kind of sucked. I had a little temperature one night, that was because then I really felt shitty, but whatever.

I had to check on a dog for this family one night. The family with all the long horns. That was one of the best nights. We sat out on their porch and played with the dog. Then we fed the longhorns some "cubes". Now that was neat to see a city boy feed longhorns. It was adorable. Then we just sat on a swing under a tree and we just sat there for hours. It was just...Nice. We didn't say much, but just to be sitting there was an awesome feeling. I could have just stayed there for more hours.

My parents came through town one day and wanted to stop by. I don't know why, but Matt didn't want to meet them. Go figure. Anyways...I met up with them, I always like seeing my parents. They were surprisingly excited when I told them I had a visitor from Michigan. I guess the fact that someone would come all this way to see me is pretty awesome, so they were happy for me. Which was nice.

But you know...I feel the say way. For someone to fly 1500 miles just to see me and spend time with me, that's awesome. It's a big deal. I had such a good time just being here with him. But again, I'm not very good about sharing my feelings with other people. I thought it would be easier to tell him how I felt once I actually saw him. But you know what...whenever I looked at him it made me so happy, I just didn't want to say anything ridiculous that would ruin it. That's the main thing I'm scared of. I just think I get too nervous that sometimes words don't sound the same coming out of the mouth as they do inside the head. A few words about feelings came out, but I still feel like we're where we started.

I really just can't put into words all the stuff that I'm thinking and feeling right now. I know we only spent about 4 and a half days together, but taking him to the air port this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've never been one to let myself get too close to another person, I'm always too scared of the consequences. But I wasn't scared with him. Which is good and bad. We had to get up at about 3:30 this morning to get to the airport in enough time for his 6:00 a.m. flight. That was hard. My face is still all red and puffy from all the crying I've been doing. I'm such a cry-baby. But I let myself like him so much and I guess this is just what I get. I don't know how I'm supposed to act today...I'm going to be worthless because all I keep thinking of is....gosh I miss Matt...I wonder if or when I'll see him again...I wonder what's going on in his mind right now....Is he thinking the same thing I am? I tried bringing up the point about what to do from here. He's back in Detroit, I'm still here in Texas. How do we work this, do we have a relationship? None of us had an answer. So now I'm just confused, but I know I like him and I know he'll call me when he get's home, I just don't know anything else.

"Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here

When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But wer'e not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm findin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm findin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm findin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near"
-Macy Gray

Today's the Day!!

It's finally time. I'll leave for the airport in about an hour and half. I'm super excited...and a little bit nervous. I just don't want either one of us to be disappointed. I'm sure it will be awesome. It better be because we have 4 and half days together. YEA!!!

I've been hearing it from my secretary all day though. She's being such a good mom. Just telling me that she worries about me and to be careful. But I assured her that I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't feel comfortable. I'm not a big risk taker. I think this is something good and not something to worry about.

I don't think I'm going to slee for the next 4 days because off all the excitement. Although I haven't slept very well the last couple of days as it is...maybe I'll be tired enough from lack of sleep so that I can get some good rest. I don't really have any plans for us while he's down...maybe San Antonio, maybe a baseball game, maybe a movie. I don't sound like a very good hostess, I'm sure we'll find something.

I guess this means out be out of pocket for the next couple of days. Try not to miss me too much!

"time is never time at all
you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
and our lives are forever changed
we will never be the same
the more you change the less you feel
believe, believe in me, believe that life can change,
that you're not stuck in vain
we're not the same, we're different tonight
tonight, so bright tonight"
-Smashing Pumpkins

Waking Up is Hard To Do

I totally forgot to set my alarm last night. That is so NOT like me. I usually walk out the door in the mornings at 8:15...I didn't roll over and look at my clock until 7:50. Then I just layed there contimplating what to do. Should I get up? Should I just go in late? Do I worry that I over slept?
I ended up getting out of bed, took a three minute shower and then caught a glimpse of Good Morning America. That really just throws my day off...make my heart beat really fast just thinking that I over slept. I guess I was just that tired because I usually wake up like three minutes before my actual alarm goes off.
Plus, I took a muscle relaxer before I went to sleep. I hadn't been sleeping well so I knew that would help, and it did. I love those little pills. I used to be really bad about taking them all the time in college and now I use them only when needed...or when I can't sleep.

I did alot of home, well apartment, improvement yesterday after work. I put up these side tables to my bed, did some laundry, changed my sheets and made my bed...all kids of stuff. My apartment looks really good. Let's just hope it can stay that way. Tonight I'll clean the kitchen and the bathrooms and finish all my laundry.

I got a phone call from a lady that helps me with my high school youth. She was lecturing me about what to wear tomorrow to pick Matt up from the airport. She told me that I CANNOT wear my Chuck Taylors...I love those shoes and I was actually planning on wearing them. She told me that I needed to wear something nice and inviting and stand there with a rose. I don't know if I can do that. Do guys really want flowers? I didn't think they would. I thought about making a sign (like Kip did for LaFawnduh). I think I would be more likely to do that if I wasn't going to be standing there by myself. I guess I'll just think about it. It would be really funny if I did.

I am unbelievably calm right now about the whole ordeal. I figured I would be real nervous today...I guess I'm saving it all up for tomorrow. Yea!!!!!11

"Turn my head its back to bed with no delay,
can't be bothered by the phone ten times a day,
Why get up my morning doesn't even start till two?
Forget reality waking up is hard to do."
-Sum 41

Girls Just Want To Have Fun

I had a great night last night. I can't tell you how nice it is to have someone to talk to. Actually not just to talk to, but to actually share stuff with. It's been a while since I've actually been open with someone about what's going on in my life. Ever since I graduated from college my groups of friends have changed. I don't talk to my good friends anymore. Not by choice, it's just that we're all so different now. Obviously I've changed as well, I'm a totally different person than I was in college. I don't call my old girlfriends anymore like I used to, they're very focused on their lives right now and it's not that they don't care about what's going on in my life...it's just different. They don't get excited about my life and I don't really get excited about their's. It's kinds of sad.

So I'm very thankful for Lauren's friendship. She's someone that I definitely needed to be friends with in college, but you know, maybe God wanted us to become the person that we are today before we started to learn things about each other. It's still a pretty fresh friendship, we're still learning about each other, but I just know that I have an awesome time when I'm with her.

I'm one of those persons that gets bored after a while...or tired of the same old thing. So I think it's good that we don't live too close to each other. We try and meet weekly and I think that's good for me. I get bothered sometimes when I'm around the same people all the time, so I'm glad that we're not spending too much time together because I would hate for me to get annoyed. Not to say that she's annoying because she's absolutely not. I just don't want to get tired of our friendship because it really means a lot to me.

Well, Matt comes flys in in two more days. I've slowly been getting things ready for his arrival. Cleaning, doing laundry, taking out the trash, etc. Mostly I do it because I'm nervous and I need to be doing something so that I don't get too antsy. But I am getting Super Excited!! I just hope I can sleep these next two nights. I need all the sleep I can get because I know once he's here I'm not going to sleep well because I'll be too excited.

"That's all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Girls - they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun"
-Cyndi Lauper

She Wants to be the Queen

It was a pretty eventful weekend. I went shopping and spend WAY TOO MUCH money. Whenever I get bored, I shop. I need to kick that habit somehow. Friday I had nothing to do, so I went shopping. I needed some shorts for the summer, I figured that was something I needed and I can spend money on that. Well, I ended up buying two pairs a shorts, a skirt, 4 shirts and two pairs of shoes...plus some stuff for the rat. Then my mom and younger brother Daniel, came up and we went shopping again. I bought a book, a dvd, and some jewlery, plus, my mom got me a few small things. I wanted to save money this pay check so I'll have money for this weekend with Matt. Dang. I did bad.

But it was nice to see family. They took my ran Peanut home with them because Daniel is going to watch her this summer while I got on all my trips. It's only been like a day and a half and I miss her. It was really lonely watching TV last night because she usually watches tv with me. The apartment was quiet without her. No one to talk to. But I'll have company later on and things will be great.

It's getting down to Thursday!! I am soooo Nervous, but soooo excited. It's goint to be a mix of emotions when it comes down to it. But I think I'm ready. I really think this is one of those steps I need to take. Just to be risky. I never do stuff like this, so I think it will be good for me. It's funny, I have a lot of support from people but then there are those few people that are just...Becky, I don't think this is a good idea, you better be careful. I'm sure I can hold my own. But in all seriousness, I'm not worried.

Then my friend Courtney gets married on June 3. That is going to be a three day affair. I'm excited, but a little nervous about being around her for that long. I think it's going to be a really fun wedding. I'm getting my dress altered tomorrow to make it fit. Even though I bought the smallest size, it's still a little big. Alright....that's enough


"Well she wants to be the Queen
And she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
"I don't really wanna be the Queen"
-Train

Handle it, Ladies back it up

I just found out that my mom and my younger brother are going to spend the weekend with me. I'm pretty excited. I don't get to see my family that much anymore. I kind of miss them. I think I took for granted how close I used to live to them while I was in college. I only live about two hours away from them, but it's almost as if I have to actually schedule time to see them. I think that's ridiculous. How sad is it that I have to pencil them into my calendar just to make time for them. They're family, I should always have time for them. It's not that I don't want to see them, it just that work get's over packed on the weekends some times. I'll have to work on that.

Plus, my brother is going to be pet sitting my rat. I think he's going to take her home with him when they leave. That kind of makes me sad. I'm going to miss her. How sad is that? She's leaving me for the summer earlier than what I was expecting, but if that is the only time I can get her to him, then I can't pass that chance up. Now I'll really be lonely when I come home from work. I guess I'll survive.
Things are just changing right now. Summers coming and things will be lonely. But I have enough summer plans with my youth that I should be alright.


"Oh, 'round here we ridin' slow
We keep it gutta, you should know
Gettin' crunk off in tha club we gets low, oh
Oh (oh), all my ladies to tha flo'
Handle it ladies back it up
Gettin crunk up in tha club we gets low, oh"
-Ciara

Just A Little Bit

Well, I've been trying pretty hard to not be such a trashy eater. I have been doing so well with my meals. Mostly it's just a sandwich, but that's better than a frozen pizza all the time. And I haven't had a soda in three days. That's a very long time for me. I usually bring one to work every day, and I haven't this week. Only a bottled water. So, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Then I was feeling a little left out since a lot of my kids have ipods. I can't afford one of those, so I bought a little mp3 player and it came in the mail on Monday. So I put a couple cd's onto it and I was so tempted to use it, that I went walking in the park that is across a couple streets from where I live. It was awesome. I walked about two miles and listened to music. Now I want to walk every day because I won't get as bored now that I have music to listen to.

I haven't talked to Matt in what seems like a huge amount of time and it's really only been a couple days. But after we've been talking every day, it's a long time to not talk in a few days. But I got an email from him...he's such a hard worker. He works 15-18 hour days and is just too tired to hold a conversation at the end of the day. Which is understandable. I would rather him get some rest so that he doesn't get sick from not sleeping. So, now when we do talk, it should be awesome.

My cousin called me yesterday as well. He's a State Trooper and works south of Houston somewhere. Well, he's pretty good about keeping in touch and we got on the topic of girls and tanning. (Not related). So my cousin is like 28 years old and was "seeing" this 20 year old and thigns didn't work out. Now he was talking to this other girl and she turned out to be 19. I for one think that is ridiculous. But one of his friends is introducing him to another girl this weekend so hopefully that works out. He also asked me if it would be 'gay' if he were to go "tanning". I said YES. It drives me crazy when guys go to a tanning bed. A little too metro-sexual for me. I don't think boys are judged as much as girls are when it comes to being tan. I told him that he shouldn't worry about that. Our family just doen't have that gene that lets you tan. My whole family is pretty pale and his family is just as pale. I think we just need to embrace it. Accept the fact that we aren't supposed to be tan. Plus, most people just look fake. Now, I'm not saying that I've never been to a tanning bed before, because I have. I had a membership when I was in college. Now, I just don't have the time. Plus, I don't want to look all leathery when I get older. But I will get a spray-on tan for this wedding that I will be in in June. But that's because the bride wants all of us to look like Barbie's and in uniform and I'm pretty much the only one that's not tan. Whatever...

"Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now"
-Oasis

I wanna Know Everything

Well it's still early, but today has just been a good day. I had two awesome pigs in a blanket for breakfast. I don't get breakfast that much, but I did today and it was delicious.
Then I got to play with a very cute baby boy. I love playing with baby's and this one is just adorable.
Then the learning center that is a part of the church brought in a lady from a spa to give everyone warm neck treatments and hand massages. It was great. I have all these smells on me, but I don't even mind because it was so neat. I don't really ever do that for myself, so it was nice to get a little special treatment. If I had enough friends I would definitely consider having a spa party for me and my friends. I'm sure it's expensive though.

I'm really beginning to miss Matt. We doing get to talk as much since he's being on his business trip. He called last night (just to hear my voice) and we only talked for like 4 minutes. He'll be out of state until Sunday, then he goes back to Michigan and is hopefully on a more regular schedule. Then he'll fly to Texas on that Thursday!! I can't even explain how excited I am right now. NINE more days.

"And i don't wanna fall to pieces,
i just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And i don't want a conversation,
i just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it,
cuz' i'm in love with you.

Wanna know who you are.
Wanna know where to start.
I wanna know what this means.

Wanna know how you feel.
Wanna know what is real.
I wanna know everything...everything."
-Avril Lavigne

Imagine me and you, I do

What a weekend. I actually had stuff to do, so it was enjoyable yet relaxing all in one. I got to see some high school friends, which I always enjoy. My friend Carrie graduated from Texas State University along with about 500 other people. It was long, but I'm glad I was there. She came to mine...but there were only like 60 of us from TLU.

After that I hung out with Lauren. Always a good time. We got some free ice-cream from Ben & Jerry's and then we just laid out by the pool I haven't done that in a LONG time and it was so nice to just sit out in the sun. It makes you feel good. Although it kind of drains you to be out in the sun for a while. I was so tired for the rest of the day.

Sunday we had our High School Senior Recognition day. We gave them gifts and then had a hamburger lunch afterwards. I always like it when we have a meal after church because then I don't have to cook. When I got back to the apartment, I went to the pool and just laid in the sun and read a magazine. I got burned that time. So lets cross our fingers that it will turn into a tan.

I didn't talk to Matt at all yesterday. It kind of made me a little sad :-( We had been talking every single day and since we skipped a day...it kind of threw me off. But maybe that was good for us. Take a little break from each other. I don't know...we'll talk later. I know he's super busy with work right now. He's on a business trip doing car shows (or something to that nature) and works like 13 hour days. So I understand that being tired all the time. It's like 10 days until he gets here!!!! Oh my gosh I'm excited.

Back to work I go.

"I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind"
-Gavin Degraw

Missing what I don't have

I never knew that I could ever miss something that I've never had...or missed someone so much without even meeting the person. It's about to drive me crazy.

From the bouquet of roses I got the other day...I took one out of the bunch and brought it to work to leave on my desk. Now I just sit here and stare at it and wish that Matt was around. (That's my soft side coming out) I never realized how beautiful a single rose could be, but when it's staring me in the face for hours at a time...I really appreciate it.

I've never been a big fan of roses...I mean I think they're beautiful flowers, but at times, so over rated. But oh my goodness, I could get roses every day and not get tired of them. It's kind of like that movie...Bed of Roses.

Well. It's fifteen days until he comes down to visit and every day I get that much more nervous. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's actually standing in front of me. I sure hope I don't pass out.

I'm about to have lunch with my sponsor from the church. She's the one that wants me to marry her son. I think she would absolutely die if she found out I was talking to some other boy. So I guess I just won't bring it up just yet. I'll give it a while...see how things work out when Matt actually comes down.

"Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot."
-Joni Mitchell

I Can't Get Enough of You Baby

I had the most AWESOME thing happen yesterday afternoon. My mom called the office to tell me thank you for the mother's day card and then the secretary walks in with a dozen roses and says....Becky. Who's Matt? OH MY GOODNESS. The guy from Detroit sent me flowers, and not just flowers, but a dozen Red Roses. How sweet is that? I've just been so excited. I sat and just looked at them for a while yesterday when I brought them home.
I would have left them on my desk at work, but I didn't want to have to answer to everyone about where I got the flowers from. Plus, they livin' up my kitchen. They really are beautiful roses, not a bad one in the bunch.

I just found out that a couple at our church is moving to Montana. It's pretty depressing. They are wonderful people. Another thing that is worrying me is that the woman is supposed to be altering my dress for my friends wedding and she hasn't even set a time for me to get measured and the wedding is in 24 days. I'm one of those people that does everything early, and this is just driving me crazy that it's not getting fixed. I'll just have to try and relax and not worry about it because I'm sure this lady would just lead me on and then not alter the dress for me.

I can't wait to go home and look at my flowers!!!

"I can't get enough of you baby
I can't get enough of you baby
Yes,It's true.
Baby yes it's true."
-Smashmouth

Just another Manic Monday

It's not really "manic"...I just wanted to use a phrase from a song.

I had an amazing weekend. Went to San Antonio for a bacheloretter party on the Riverwalk. It was great to get to hang out with those girls. It had been a while. Courtney is getting married the first weekend in June and it's just sneaking up on all of us.
We started out at Dick's Last Resort for dinner. That place was a little more expensive than I was expecting, but Lindsay and I split a plate and so it was all good. Afterwards we went to Howl at the Moon...a dueling piano bar. It was great. Loud, but great. Just to be out with friends having a good time. Good thing we had a designated driver.
We all crashed at Courtney's afterwards and then got up early to go to her Lingerie Shower. None of us felt 100%, good thing they were serving Mimosa's there. A little jump start in the morning hours. Awesome.

All Right...my friend from Detroit just bought his plane ticket to Texas last night. That mean it's for sure that he'll be here the last weekend in May. Comes in on Thursday late afternoon and leaves EARLY Tuesday morning. Yea, that means he'll be here for 5 nights. Hopefully things go well or that would be a long time to spend with this guy. But I don't have any worries.
And yes Lauren, we'll hang out. We'll have to figure out what we want to do together, OK!!
I am so excited :)

"I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
And I know I know I know I know I know I want you"
-The Pointer Sisters

Won't you sing to me your poetry

Basically I haven't done anything today. My boss, the secretary and myself left work today at 11:00 to go eat at Luby's. Yum. I love their chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes. Plus I got a slice of their awesome chocolate pie. We ate together today as staff because it is National Day of Prayer. There was a community gathering in the San Gabriel Park and we went together. Just different people saying a prayer for all the different people in the world. It was nice. Then we got back here and I have just been doing nothing. Which is good and bad. I feel worthless when I don't do anything, but I just didn't really have anything to do.

This weekend will be packed. I'm going to San Antonio tomorrow for my friends Bachelorette party. It should be fun. We'll be spending the evening on the River Walk. I haven't done that in a very long time, so it should be good. Plus I get to hang out with my college friends...I'm not really that old. But seriously, I haven't seen some of them for a while.

I've noticed that I've been spending alot of my money on other people lately. I have two friends (well actually many more) graduating from college, a couple of wedding showers and birthdays all in like a 2 weekend period. I sure wish I would win the lottery pretty soon. I know I won't since I don't buy tickets...but maybe I'll get lucky and just win without spending $1.

What's it Gonna Be?

What an awesome day yesterday was. I didn't realize how nice it is just to have someone watch TV with you. Lauren is such an awesome person to talk to. I love it. We talked about boys, weddings, friends and all kinds of stuff. We really relate to each other nicely. That's awesome to have someone like that.

I think I even convinced my friend from Detroit to come down at the end of the month. YEA!! I definitely hope that works out. I say convinced because after a while of talking, he says, well, maybe it isn't such a good idea if I come down. I think we both have reservations about the whole thing. But why not take a chance?
He's more worried about coming down and things just go amazingly and he has to go back to Michigan. He flat out told me that if things go well, he would NEVER move to Texas. Ever. There's just nothing here for him. Which is a little upsetting that he wouldn't even consider it if something does happen. I told him that if things go well and we take things slow and it's meant to be, that I could probably move to Detroit. (I sure hope I wasn't saying that just to be nice.) But I really do believe in love and you know what, if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes. I guess first of all we'll just see how things go on that weekend.

Maybe it will just turn out that we just become super friends, and that isn't a bad thing, but maybe there will be something more. Aaaaaaaugh. I'm gonna drive myself crazy just thinking about all of this. But I am super ecstatic that he's coming!!

"What's it gonna be Cuz I can't pretend
Don't you want to be more than friends?
Hold me tight and don't let go
Don't let go.
You have the right to lose control.
Don't let go."
-En Vogue

Breakfast with the Govenor

Just got into work a little while ago. Second day this week that I've come in late. I was offered a ticket to the National Day of Prayer Breakfast that is held every year...usually on the actual National Day of Prayer which is the first Thursday in May for those who didn't know that. Well anyways...it was a neat experience. I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. to get ready and then a met a family at my church at 6:00 a.m. to be at the Double Tree in Austin by 6:30. Well it was awesome. The Govenor, Mr. Rick Perry, gave a little talk about the importance of prayer in our lives and in our leaders.

There was also an actual speaker that talked about how our founding fathers built this nation on religion and that we should keep it that way. We really should pray for anyone in a leadership position. There were lots of prayers going out this morning, prayers for people involved in: business's, media, education, church, family, government. It was amazing to see and hear all the prayers.

Thursday, being the National Day of Prayer, everyone in this town is supposed to gather at the city park at noon for prayer. Rumor has it that good ol' George W. Bush is supposed to make an appearance. We'll see. The secretary and I were discussing ways of closing the church for a couple hours that day to go out there. We both have never been to one, so it would be neat to see and watch all the people pray. Awesome....

Things here are just going super. I get to hang out with Lauren tonight as well which just makes this day that much better. Yessssssss.

"God Bless America, Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home."
-Irving Berlin

Wanna be a Balla', Shot calla'

What a stressful day it's been. I came in late, like 12:30, and it has been non-stop since I walked through those doors. Things are slowing down a little, but then I have two different meetings this evening. One at 6:00 and one at 7:00 and so I'm sure I won't get out of here till about 8:30 or so. I might as well just live here. I haven't had a free weekend in months and I won't have another one for a couple of weeks. Something always seems to come up and take my days away.

My lock-in with the high school cats went awesome. We played board games....I LOVE board games. Especially Trivial Pursuit. One of the guys brought the DVD Pop Culture edition. It was great. I'm so cheesy, but I love games. We also watched Mean Girls. What a...different movie. But everyone seemed to enjoy it. Plus, they all went to sleep at about 4:30. Awesome...I didn't have to stay up all night this time.

Also found out that my friend from Detroit would have come down this weekend if I didn't have that silly lock-in. How fun would that have been?!! So I'm a little bummed out about that. But maybe God didn't think it was the right time for us to meet. I am not real good with converstaions in general and so I think face-to-face may have thrown me into shock. But the time will come and it will be wonderful.

"Wanna be a -- baller, shot caller.
Twenty inch blades -- on the Impala"
-Lil Troy

Sharing is Caring

So now we're all into this lets "share our feelings" conversations. That is something that is totally difficult for me. Especially since we haven't met. Is that weird, or is it just me? I definitely feel that I know the guy and I trust him. But again...I really don't "know" him at all.

He said he's coming to Texas in the beginning of July...I'm busy that first weekend with a wedding, so I sure hope that I can see him. Our schedules are so packed that it would be really hard to find a common date. This summer is going to be ridiculous for me with all the trips and activities I have planned with my youth groups.

But things are just going awesome right now. Life is good.

I ran into an old friend, Cheryl, this morning at church. She just got back from being in Japan for three years and just so happened to be in the area. We ended up talking for about an hour after church ended. It was so refreshing to talk to someone other than a person in high school or that is retired. Well....off to the praise service.

Ache

Oh my goodness my heart hurts so much right now and I am just so confused about life right now.
I've never been real open about my feelings. I usually just end up making an idiot of myself and so I try and stay away from sharing things. That way...I don't get hurt, right? Well, what am I supposed to do if after a week of knowing someone they want me to pour my heart out about what I'm thinking? Conversations like that just scare the heck out of me. But I was brave...I said what I felt, but I'm so scared that I was too late in it. But really, was I? After a week? I haven't even met the guy. Yea, I mean, I think about him constantly and I can't fall asleep until I talk to him. But I didn't want to be that obsessive little girl that just falls for someone so fast.
But I do. I fall fast...and hard sometimes.
I just want to feel normal...I haven't eatin in weeks, my stomach always hurts, I feel like I'm going to cry if just the slightest thing happens. Apparently I am just very emotional right now. What a girl.
It's weird to think...I'm having all these feelings and I feel weird for having them. But am I making someone else feel the same way? I don't want to cause this type of discomfort on someone else.
I just need a good hug and a strong shoulder....
You know what...in my other blogs, I kept saying he's not typically someone that I would ordinarly want to be with. But I've never really shared my feelings with someone...and I think this could be something awesome. I believe that God makes people meet for a reason. God wanted me to meet him and we did. It's like that Weezer song: "I think I'd be good for you and you'd be good for me".
I sure hope he calls tonight!

I want to scream but not make a sound

It's amazing all of the different reactions I get from people when I tell them about this guy from Detroit. People my age are a lot more understanding and excited, but whenever someone older hears about it it's always..."he's too much to handle", "that's dangerous", or "I think it's stupid to have someone so far away, what's really going to happen."
I think I'll just go with the flow and do things my way.

I had dinner with Lauren last night. Awesome time. I forgot how great it was to have a discussion with someone close to my age. I consider myself real close with my old roommates from college and all, but with Lauren, I can actually TALK to her and not feel judged and she actually gives fantastic advice and a good ear. I never really got that out of my old friends. They were too involved with themselves that it didn't really matter what was going on in my life. Anyways...it's just so nice to have someone like that close by.

Things are getting heated up here at work too...we had some distruction take place this weekend and so I actually left the office for a couple of hours just because I was so scared that someone was going to yell at me and that I would cry. So I got out of there as quick as I could. It was a nice little break. I think I should start doing that anyways...just leave and relax and come back and work. Maybe that's something I need to look into.

"Cause when I'm in over my head I hear the words you said
That someone out there's listening to the same song
Feeling the same way that I do.
Make me a believer pick up the receiver
And tell me you feel just like I do."
-Better Than Ezra

Flushed

I haven't gone a day without talking to this guy from Detroit. It's awesome...it's so nice to have someone to talk to about life. I learn something new about him everyday, it's not always good, but at least I know what I'm dealing with. Not typically someone that I would really want something from, but I just think he's amazing.
I HATE talking like that though. I haven't even met him. What if he turns out to be this weirdo, you know? Right now in my head he's just this great guy, but as I've said before...I'm probably setting myself up for dissapointment. But that's another problem I have to deal with. I ALWAYS tend to find something wrong with anyone that I meet. I think I'm just scared of "falling". But right now...I can't even eat. It's ridiculous. I get nervous talking to him on the phone and I don't know how to relax myself. I guess I'm still just pretty excited about the whole thing. But then I don't know what this is leading to....
He's 1500 miles away for goodness sakes. What's going to happen between two people that live so far away? I mean sure, we can visit each other...but really, is there more. I don't think I could move up there if something were to happen...would he really want to come to Texas? I need to quit living in the future and just be happy with what I have right now.

Lock-in, Get out, Go sleep

I just got through my first lock-in at this church. It was both amazing and distructive. But all in all, everyone had an excellent time. We had some college kids come in and play games with the youth for a while and that was good because I didn't have to plan anything and then the rest of the time they played hide-n-seek in the dark hall ways.
I was informed that I will be getting chewed out tomorrow because we knocked some ceiling tiles out while playing that night...but there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm not going to worry about it.

On another note, I've been talking on the phone with this guy from Detroit everday so far. It's till rather exciting. We had a conversation about being truthful last night. I was just saying that I have to be suspicious about guys...he could be a 40 year old guy that prey's on younger girls and I wouldn't know any better...he explained that he would never try that hard to meet someone and how would I be able to explain all the pictures of him on his profile. Anyways...I know I'm a very trusting person...but I totally believe the guy.

He sent me 6 cd's in the mail too. He special made everyone of them. Isn't that sweet. I thought so too.
After talking with him a while, he probably isn't someone that I would necessarily want a relationship with because of things he's done in the past. But he sounds like he's growing up and is a better person for making mistakes. But again, that could just be me trusting this guy. I guess I'll just keep taking precautions.

Brave Little Toaster

Well, I did it.
I called the guy in Detroit. I was so brave, I couldn't believe it, I just picked up my phone and called. It was so easy. (Not really, I was so nervous). He didn't answer, but he called back about 15 minutes later. We ended up talking for about two hours. It was amazing.
Turns out he has this amazing job with General Motors. He travels alot and one of the things he has to do is drive celebrities around in their vehicles so that these famous people are seen in GMC vehicles. He get's to drive Hummers and Yukons and Envoys. Here's a few of the people he's gotten to drive around: Paris Hilton, Nicole Ricci, Taryn Manning, Shannon Elizabeth, Erika Christenson, Paul Walker...and there's plenty more. How awesome is that job. I think that would be so neat to just drive around all these awesome people. Most of them even tip pretty awesome.

I was so intrigued the whole time. I wish he didn't live 1500 miles away. That is Very Very Very far. But he said he plans to come to the Austin area sometime soon to visit some friends (and of course me) and he also offered to buy me a plane ticket to Detroit to come see him...but only after he's come down here first. Which is good, I don't think I would want to be the first to fly anywhere. I'm still just so excited about this whole experience. He tells his friends about me! That's nice. But I'll just play it out and see how things go.

Well I'm off to go home and take a nap...I have an ALL night lock-in with some Middle schoolers tonight.
Peace

Daydreaming...

Just got back from a Youth Director's meeting in San Marcos. We discussed our part in College Ministry and how we should developing our youth in our church to better prepare them for going to college and continuing their faith. College seems to be a time where we turn away from our Faith and focus more on school/boys/girls/grades/parties...etc. But in all seriousness, that is the time when we need God in our lives the most. Sad to say that we don't realize that until after the fact. I was one of those people...I never really turned from my faith, but I definitely made my friends and activities my priorities instead of helping out more in the ministry. But it takes some of us longer to mature and realize how we need to rearrange our lives. I didn't want to be labeled a "Jesus Freak" in college so I strayed away from it so that I could go out with my friends and have a good time on any day of the week. But I think we need to make our own mistakes in our lives so that we can learn from them and mature.
I hate that now as an adult I can see how right my parents were and still are. We hate listening to them...but they really do know what they're talking about. Aaaaaaugh. I find myself relating more and more with my parents and being able to actually talk to them about stresses that I have about life and my decisions. It's an awesome feeling.

On another note...I got an email from tht guy in Detroit...he wrote me and told me that he was at a game last night and caugh himself smiling a few times because he was thinking of me. Isn't that sweet? I don't get many compliments like that...at least not anytime recent that I can think of. What a great feeling. I even catch myself waking up in the middle of the night because I'm so excited that I'm going to get to talk to him when I get to work. I sure hope I'm not setting myself up for disaster...but I'm so giddy right now. I'll just have to keep a positive, yet cautious, attitude about it.

Tomorrow is my Junior High Lock-in and I am so excited yet so worried. I haven't stayed up late in a while...much less all night. I sure hope I can make it. I'll just have to drink a lot of soda and eat a lot of sweets. Awesome...it'll be great. No Worries. (right)

"We sit around the house
Waiting for the phone to ring
And I know she alone holds the key
To everything I want to be

Aw yeah, alright, truth hurts inside
Aw yeah, that's right, you go around once in life

Everybody wants to be your friend
When you've got something you can give them
All I've seen, bad and good, she's not crazy
Just a little misunderstood."
-Better Than Ezra

Whatever I feel like I wanna do, gosh!

So I broke down and washed my truck yesterday afterwards and I woke up this morning to rain. That really bothers me. I just wasted $9 on a good washin' and the rain just ruined it. I should have known better.

As some of you already know...I shop on ebay A LOT. I just got two cd's in the mail yesterday and they're great. I got Closer by Better than Ezra and Here's to the Mourning by Unwritten Law. I really like BTE so I'm glad I got that cd to at to my collection.

I've noticed that I have been doing puzzles lately. I'm working on my third 1,000 piece puzzle since last weekend. I'm pretty good at puzzles, but now I just feel worthless because I lock myself in my apartment and do puzzles. I feel like I'm going to be that grouchy old lady that lives alone and has a bunch of cats when I get older. I can't be that lady. I guess I'll have to work on that.

I also have this delima. The guy from Detroit gave me his phone number so that I would call him. I HATE calling people...especially boys and especially one's I don't know. I told him that he would have to call me first if he wanted to talk. But then he said that I am going to be the one that has to make that first phone call. Aaaaaaaaaaugh. I'm going to need some strength and courage to do that.

I guess I'll go get some work done.
Becky-Out.

Still I couldn't get arrested
Though I got more hooks
Than Madonna got looks
And just like that AC/DC song
Come on baby, shake me all night long
-Better Than Ezra

You and Me

What day is it? And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right

I'm tripping on words

You've got my head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now

I can't quite figure out

Everything she does is beautiful

Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

and me and all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

-Lifehouse

I ain't no Holla back girl

So the past few days have been pretty awesome. I hate to be that person that talks about someone that I don't even know...but this guy that I've been talking to from Detroit really just makes me smile. He's very genuine in our conversations. It really just brightens my day when I see that he sent me an email. He even made me some cd's and is sending them to me right now. That's pretty sweet.
Usually I wouldn't go on about things like this, but it really makes me happy. He's even willing to talk about his faith and about how he wants a family some day. Most guys aren't that comfortable talking about that, but he is. I don't really want to think too much into this because he is a couple thousand miles away...but it never hurts to dream.

Other than that, I really don't have anything exciting going on in my life. I'm pretty uneventful at the moment because I spend most of my time talking to this guy.
Whatever.

"So that's right dude, meet me at the bleachers. No principals, no student-teachers. All the boys want to be the winner, but there can only be one. So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all. Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you. That's right I'm the last one standing, another one bites the dust. A few times I've been around that track. So it's not just gonna to happen like that. Because I ain't no hollaback girl. I ain't no hollaback girl." -Gwen Stefani

Busy, Busy, Busy

I ACTUALLY GOT TO DO STUFF THIS WEEKEND!!!!

I don't think I've done something three days in a row since I graduated college. I am such a nerd, but seriously, it was so nice just to get out for a while.
Thursday I got to go have dinner with my fantastic friend Lauren. We had an absolute wonderful time. We were gone to try and be fun and go to 6th street, but just ended up driving around listening to hip-hop. I don't think I've had that much fun in a long time.
Friday, I met my friend Courtney at the outlet mall in San Marcos...she met me 'half' way to bring me my bridesmaid dress for her wedding. I tried it on and it looks ridiculous. I ordered the smalles size they make and it's still bulky. Oh well. I'll get it fixed.
Saturday, I went to San Antonio to my Aunt's house. She was having a bar-b-que for fiesta. Just a nice time to sit around, eat, drink and play. It was nice to see my extended family. I didn't get to see any of them over Easter.

I've found myself thinking a lot about this guy that I met online. I hope it's not something I have to worry about. I think it's just nice to have someone to talk to or just think about. My brother definitely didn't like the idea, but oh well. I found myself making excuses over the weekend to come into the office to check my email and write him back. Well...I guess I'll go get some work done.

"Girls. Get your hair fixed. Get your nails done. Put your hands up and say "OK!". 'OK'. 'OK'. Get a drink, get another one, make him pay for it." -I don't know, but I just heard it and it was in my head.

Telephone

Well the guy from the mail store called me today.
Turns out that he just decided to not be a youth minister anymore and start a church. God told him to. I was a little blown away, but if that's what he feels God wants him to do, then I say go for it. Well, he decided he'll just stop by the church for a little visit. So he came and we chit-chatted for about half an hour. He seems nice enough. I think he's a little young though. He graduated high school in 2003...and he graduated early, so what that's like 4 years younger than me. I guess I shouldn't be picky or anything...but that's younger than my little brother. But we may still "hang out" sometime.
He wanted me to catch a movie with him and some friends tonight. But I actually have plans tonight...(with Lauren)..and that is going to mcuh more fun. Maybe I get a new friend out of it. We'll see.

As for the guy in Detroit...... :)

Sunny Side

I got a phone call from my high school youth sponsor yesterday, she owns a mail shop and so she meets new people everyday. Well she calls to tell me that she found me a new friend. (yea, for me) Well she said this guy walks into her store and she starts to "chit-chat" with him because she said he was cute. Well turns out that he is also a youth minister...lives in Georgetown, but works in Temple. Well she goes off on the fact that the youth minister at her church is new and young and doesn't have many friends and that he should be my friend. (like that's not embarassing for me). He was like...oh, that's nice. Well he comes back to her store later on to leave his name and number for me to call him. WHAT? So she asked me to call him so that I could have someone to hang out with. Who does that? Well....I told her I would call him. And I did. But he didn't answer, I just left him a message saying that I'm the girl the crazy lady in the mail store was talking about....he has yet to call back. But I'm interested to see if he does.

On another note, I was recently introduced to this website where put your profile on it and it's supposed to help you "make new friends and stay in touch with old ones." Anyways...I've been getting emails from all these random guys. Well...One of these guys is from Detroit Michigan and we ended up talking on the IM for like three hours yesterday. It was pretty neat. I always thought it was weird to meet people on the internet, but now that I've actually done it, I'm a little excited about it. I couldn't sleep last night because I was excited to see if I would get to talk to him today. I'm such a corny little girl.

Hopefully I get some work done today. It's been ridiculously busy here this month and it's only going to get worse.

"Grab your coat and get your hat. Leave your worries on the doorstep. Life can be so sweet. On the sunny side of the street. Can’t you hear the pitter-pat. And that happy tune is your step. Life can be complete. On the sunny side of the street" -Louis Armstrong

Song in my Head

I always seem to wake up with a song in my head. I don't know why but as soon as my alarm goes off, there is a song that I'm singing in my head. What's weird is that it's usually not a song that I've recently heard. This morning's song was "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground. Now that is a song that I have not heard in a very long time. But there I was...singing it. I even remembered some of the verses. Odd.
"All right! Stop whatcha doin' 'cause I'm about to ruin the image and the style that ya used to. I look funny but yo I'm makin' money, see so yo world I hope you're ready for me. Now gather round I'm the new fool in town and my sound's laid down by the Underground.... The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump. Do the Humpty Hump, come on and do the Humpty Hump Do the Humpty Hump, just watch me do the Humpty Hump Do ya know what I'm doin', doin' the Humpty Hump Do the Humpty Hump, do the Humpty Hump"
I don't know where that came from, but as soon as I woke up...there it was.

If you haven't noticed. I've been pretty busy. I feel that I haven't been in the office in a week. And that's almost true. I've been to seminars, I've ben on trains, I've been hiking, it's just been non-stop for me. Which is nice, I guess. At least I'm not sitting around the office waiting for something to happen. I have a couple of lock-in's at the end of the month that I am beginning to prepare for. That should be good times. I just got a phone call from my Junior High Sponsor. He's getting married (after being divorced for a few years) and wants to step down from doing all these events with the youth. I think it's good for him, he's been doing this for years. I'm a little worried because I never had to worry about my Junior High kids because he ALWAYS took care of them. It's going to be crazy, but hey....Bring it on.

Also, if anyone is curious...I still haven't heard back from "the guy". Maybe that long phone call is the only thing we'll ever have. (Yes, I tried to make that sound corny.) Whatever, we're still good friends. That'll just have to do....for now.

What is it?

I'm getting kicked out of my office after lunch today so the Bishop can use it for personal meetings. How awesome that I just get half a day off. I'm excited to just do nothing.

"Every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song. Every rose has its thorn." -Poison

It's a Beautiful Morning

The last five days have just melted together it seems. I have not been this busy in such a long time. But they were all super fantastic.
I saw some college friends of mine on Saturday at my old roommates wedding shower. It was just awesome to see those girls again...half of them I had lived with at some point in time and just haven't seen them since I moved up here. We just sat around and drank plenty of momosa's.

This Sunday was also the day I had been waiting for..."the guy" came down to do a concert for some of the Austin area High School Youth. He was amazing. I knew he would be great, but he was wonderful. I actually got to talk with him a bit, but his mother came and she's great, but that made it a little more difficult to talk to him. I ended up going to the movies with him and his mother afterwards. I sat in between them and had both of them leaning over me to talk to each other....nice. Oh well, I think that was a big step for me just to do something with him outside of work and church, even if his mother was there. I'm sure she was enjoying it more than I was because she desperately wants me to marry him. Anyways...I call him last night! I wanted to thank him again for coming down and doing the concert for me and to thank him for letting me tag along with him and his mother to the movies. Well, we ended up talking for almost an hour. I was thinking I would say my 30 seconds worth of "thank you's" and that would be it, but he just kept talking about all kinds of stuff. It was nice....I don't think I had ever talked to him that much before in my life. But I was definitely proud of myself for making that phone call.

I also got to go to Texas Lutheran University...my old Alma Mater for a convocation. It was nice, I didn't recognize many of the people. But I got to see some staff that I used to drink with and some more old friends. I just love running into people that I hadn't seen in a while.

"What a beautiful morning in my life, The best in life is free, I give it all away, And I wonder what more is to come; And this beautiful morning changed my mind, Believe me when I say, the shadows fading out....
As the day grows bright, we are turning pages, and we write new chapters of our lives, Some are strong and long, Others weak with sorrow Keep the focus on the rising sun (what a golden day)" -Ace of Base

Temporarily Closed

I don't really like to go graocery shopping because I never know what to buy. It's so hard to buy food for just one person. Cooking is even harder because there are days of left-overs after I cook. Well, I went home for lunch today like I do every day, and everyday I stare into my pantry and tell myself "there's nothing to eat." I decided I would just stop at Jack-In-the-Box because it's right by where I work. Well, I pull up and there is a van blocking the drive-thru. I was pissed. Why in the world would a van just park in the middle of the drive-thru. Well, there was a sign in the window that said - Store closed Temporarily-. Weird, I just ate there the night before, now I'm scared there's something wrong with the place.

How odd though...who just temporarily closes a fast food chain for part of the day. So then I had to turn around and go back into town to get something to eat. I ended up going to Wendy's. Instead of going through the drive-thru I went in and ordered my food to go. I think I was there less time than the people in the drive-thru were. Lazy Sons of Guns. Idiots! Just go inside, it's much quicker if you're in a hurry.

It's just been an irritating day. When I got back from lunch I had to go to a meeting that I wasn't even involved in. I just sat there for 2 HOURS. What a waste of my afternoon. I think I'm going to go home early though because I worked late last night and this weekend is going to be ridiculously busy. So There. Peace Out.

"Now it seems to me that you know just what to say. Words are only words. Can you show me something else? Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way, Show me how you feel more than ever baby. I don't wanna be lonely no more, I don't wanna have to pay for this. I don't want another lover at my door. Just another heartache on my list." -Rob Thomas

"PINK is my favorite color"

Well I FINALLY got to go out last night. I haven't gone out in so long it was so nice to just get a beer with a friend. I think just haveing a conversation with someone other than my boss was greatly needed. I went with my friend Lauren, she's going with me to Key West this summer. We actually went to college and graduated together, but never really hung out until we both got jobs in the Austin area. It's weird how friendships just happen like that. We really clicked when we started hanging out. She's like a new old friend. Awesome.

A lady just came into my office and handed me an extra breakfast taco. Yes! I don't really eat breakfast because I'm too lazy in the mornings, and I don't really have many grocery's left. So free food is awesome. Plus I get snacks with the quilting ladies in about 10 minutes.

I'm trying to get hyped up about this weekend and my big event that I'm planning for Sunday with "the" guy. I'm nervous and excited and all kinds of other emotions. But I think I'm mostly nervous. I don't know why I get myself so worked up over stuff like this. I wish I wasn't such a school girl. So I'm just going to act myself and be cool. (yea right) It's bad enough that his 5 year old neice already told me that she wants me to marry her uncle. It's kind of sweet, in a way. Whatever.

"Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier. ooooo child things are gonna get brighter." -2Pac

He is Risen

Easter weekend was awesome. I got to go home and see my family for a few days. I got to spend individual time with each of my three brothers which was amazing. I really love them more and more when I see them. I love that we finally get to actually have conversations when I see them instead of stupid small talk. We act like grown ups and it's neat. So my dad ended up Bar-B-Queing some ribs for our Easter dinner on Saturday. They were delicious...Thanks Dad.

The drive down home as awful though. Church was a little longer than I was thinking it was going to be. I didn't get on the road until about 8:30 that evening. It took me an hour and 45 minutes to get to down town Austin, it usually takes like 30 minutes. Well I saw what was making it take so long....7 car pile up!! There were probably more because the first car that was smashed didn't have a car in front of it to show what it smashed in to. There weren't any ambulances and people were just walking around, so I doubt it was serious...just a big delay. And while everyone was sitting in the ridiculous traffic...I got rear ended by the person behind me. Nothing that did any damage...but it was a big enough hit for me to jerk forward and for peanuts cage to hit the dashboard. Whatever...I didn't do anything because it was dark and I wasn't about to get out of my truck and walk around while traffic was going. I just let it go because I wanted to get home.

So then. I got back on Saturday evening. I was supposed to be at church early Sunday morning...7:00 to help my Senior High youth with their Easter breakfast. Well apparently I was very tired...I roled over and saw that it was 7:33. I was pissed. I set my alarm for 5:50 p.m. instead of a.m. Well I was so embarassed I could barely move. So I brushed my teeth put my hair in a pony tail and left. I didn't get to take a shower or wear the dress that I wanted to because I was in such a hurry. But everything was taken care of. I'm usually the first person anywhere, always 5 minutes early and here I was walking in an hour late. So then, I just felt crappy all day. But it was fine.

After Easter service I went to my main youth sponsers house for some ham. It was nice to be around people I know.

Then for dinner I went to my sponsers house. They live out in the country and have tons of acres with about what seems like 50 long horns. I got to feed them, it was awesome. I took some pictures of them because they really were beautiful animals. I was totally scared of them though because they are huge. Then we had some more ribs. They were delicious as well. Then we watched a little college basketball. It was intense. Kentucky vs. Michigan. Double overtime. But again, it was just wonderful to be with people that act like your family. Nice to be welcomed somewhere.

"It's all about the love. It's everything that I've been dreaming of." -Sister Hazel

World Inside my Head

I get to go home tonight!! I am so excited to go home and just....be there.
I got a phone call from my cousin yesterday. Just to catch up. He's a state trooper and sometimes he has to go to training classes in Austin and when he does we hang out. We're much closer now, than when we were growing up. It's nice to have family to hang out with every now and then. Anyways...he lives in, around, Houstin. He was telling me how he has been "hanging out" with this girl. He likes her, so it's kind of like they're dating. She's 20...he's 28. I thought I was going to go off on him about that. He didn't understand what the big deal was. This is what I found out about myself:

I think I just get upset/angry/jealous when someone younger than me can find someone older than me that treats them nicely. It makes me so mad that I can't. Plus she's still in college and living with her mom, she's can't even buy beer. Then there is my cousin who went to college for a while, then served in the Marines for 4 years and hase been all over the place and is now starting to kind of "settle". He's has his fun time in life and he's growing up and now there this 20 year old girl that he's hanging out with. I guess it's just something that I have to get over and not dwell on. It still just bothers me. But then my best friend who is also 22 is engaged to marry a man that is 31. But she's mature and out of college and has a job. To me it's different. Someone let me know if I'm being stupid and rude for having these thoughts.

"So tell me what it is about me. Where did everybody go without me? So, I like to fantasize And watch the sunrise like it's a big surprise. Life moves and I stopped to taste it, I drank it up till it left me wasted. But my rains have bled A softer red. Oh you should see the world inside my head." -Sister Hazel

It's Going to be a Sun Shiny Day

Yesterday was one of the craziest days I've had in a very long time. I got 6 different phone calls. No one EVER calls me and when they do...it's usually one at a time. This is how my afternoon/evening went.

MOM: my mother called first just to get me updated on the rosary/funeral dates and times. Turns out I can't make any of them because I need to be up here for Easter stuff. Which is fine, I guess.
CARRIE: I call one of my best friends from High school to ask her about the funeral and what not, but she doesn't answer, so I leave her a message. Then I call her twin sister...
CHRISTINE: Fills me in with more detail about the situation and we chat for a while about Easter plans and what not. It was a nice simple conversation. Then my oldest brother beeps in...
CORY: Also wants to fill me in on the details about the funeral notice and stuff. We end up talking for a while as well about what we are going to do for Easter this year. Plus we was at work and bored, so I tried to entertain him for a while...He had to get back to work, so I decided to call my friend Melissa (she's getting married in Key West this summer and I haven't talked to her in about 5 months. She doesn't answer so I leave her a message.)
MELISSA: Calls when she gets out of the shower. She lives in Oklahoma right now during tornado season and said that there were 7 tornados this weekend. She was scared out of her mind...and for good reasons. Anyways... we talked for a while, it was nice to catch up with her because she's one of the persons I know that I can actually connect with...good stuff.
CARRIE: calls me back after dinner with her fiance...they're looking to buy a house...She also purchased her wedding dress yesterday and had to talk about that. Hopefully I'll get to see her during the Easter Holiday. During that conversation Emily beeps in....but I miss it.
EMILY: wants to throw a bachelorette party for a friend Courtney. We're both in her wedding this summer and she was just getting some plans straitened out.

I have never had that many phone conversations in one day in a long time. It was nice to know that there are people out there that actually care about me!! Anyways...it was a good day.

"I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's gonna be a bright, bright, Sun-Shiny day. It's gonna be a bright, bright, Sun-Shiny day. Oh yes I can make it now, the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared. Here is the rainbow I've been prayin', forIt's gonna be a bright, bright, Sun-Shiny day. Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies. Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies" -Bob Marley

Things Look Better Than they Seem

Well my goal for the week of trying to put a positive spin on things is much tougher than I expected. It's very easy to put on a happy face and be this amazingly happy person when there are people around to see it. But when I am home alone (every day) it's really hard to stay positive. It's very difficult to be happy when you live in a city where you know no one and have really no way of meeting people. It's very depressing at times. Last night I just sulked on my couch for about 5 hours. It was awful, but I just don't know what else to do with my time. I shouldn't complain, it's not like I'm doing anything to fix this depression, but sometimes I just wish something would happen.
My friends say they understand how I feel, but I thin it's just bunch of bullshit. These friends of mine have NEVER been alone. They're the kind that can't go a week without having a boyfriend, they've never lived by themselves, and always are around people. Actually, they're all about to get married so that makes it even more ridiculous. Although I love where I am in my life, I just would like someone to share it with. Not necessarily someone that will soon become a husband...just any kind of person will do.

"Living risky, never scared, wander Closer to the edge. Nothing valued think no fear, Always wondering why you're here, All your purposes are gone, nothing's Right and nothing's wrong. Nothing ventured, nothing gained Feel no sorrow, feel no pain. Kiss me while I'm still alive, Kill me while I kiss the sky. Let me die on my own terms, Let me live and let me learn." -Life on My Own Three Doors Down

We're not invincible

I just recieved a disturbing phone call from my oldest brother. A guy that I graduated High School from just past away from pneumonia. How scary is that? To me, that is something that elderly people pass away from. Not a young person. I was very shocked also at the fact that the past two times I went to my doctor he has warned me about having the onset of pneumonia and to watch out. It's scary to think that we won't live forever. We may not even live to be middle age. It's not until something terrible happens that we realize that we need to evaluate what we're doing with our lives. But God does have a plan for each and everyone of us and we need to accept his will for our lives.

I hate to change the subject so drastically, but before that I got a phone call from the "boy" and it was such a distraction. It was a nice converstaion, he was just so "real". Nothing that I should be nervous about. Whatever. After that phone call I was on cloud nine that I couldn't finish a letter that I needed to write.

It's amazing how our lives can go from one extreme to another in the matter of an hour.

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring your prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

Just Breathe...

"Lonely Rivers flow to the sea..." What a great song.

So I had a big scare last Thursday. I wasn't feeling real well so I went to my awesome doctor as I had written before. Anyways...later that day I was feeling a little sleepy so I left work early. I walked up the three flights of stairs to my apartment and I was just out of breath and my heart was beating soooo fast. So I laid down, and for THREE and a HALF hours I could not get my heart to slow down. I thought I was going to explode. So I called the pharmacy to see what was going on. She just said...yea, it's must be a reaction between the shot you got and the prescriptions you're taking. Well DUH it's a reaction. I figured that one out all on my own. But she told me not to worry and that it should settle down in a little while. It did finally, but I was definitely scared. But I'm alive.

My goal for this week is that I am trying hard to put a positive spin on life. Not that things are bad, but I think things could be better. Things can always be better. But I hate that lonely feeling of not having anyone near by. So I am working on being a happier person. I get these spurts of positive energy every now and then, but I'm sure in a few days I'm going to get tired of being little Miss Smiles. But sometimes I just need to know that I can be happy even if I am faking it. (Please don't think I'm pathetic)

I do get to go home for a while this week. I'll leave Georgetown Thursday evening and drive the couple hours home to spend some quality time with the family. But I have to be back up here Saturday evening because Sunday is a big day obviously, for the church. So I don't get the actual Easter Sunday with the family, but at least I'll get more than a day with them.
I called my oldest brother this weekend as well to see what his work schedule was for Easter. See if we would cross paths when I come home. Well, we have a slightly different schedule but I should get to hang out with him at sometime. It had been a while since I had talked to him...like, actually had a conversation with him. We ended up talking for like an hour and a half. It was nice. I think I just need more people to actually have conversations with. I definitely have a new respect for my brothers. We're finally getting to that age where we can actually talk without throwing a punch or a "your stupid" in our words. It's awesome.

I am in the process of working on a youth event for some high school students for the first Sunday in April. Well one of the activities is a concert by this guy that I am totally crushed on. I am such a retard when it comes to boys. Well, I had to call him last night because I wanted to get an update on how things are coming along for the concert. Well, I could barely talk my heart was beating so fast. He didn't answer, which was no surprise, so I think I left this long message of me repeating myself and sounding like a fool. But I'll have you know, that was a huge step for me. I was very proud of myself. But now I have to call him AGAIN because I didn't get a hold of him. Hopefully that phone call will go a little better. I'm getting braver by the day.

"I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me. I’m beggin’ you to beg me." -Cheap Trick

Nice Veins

I just got my first compliment on how nice my veins are from my physician. I wasn't feeling well and so I took a visit to my doctor. He's a great man in a sarcastic way...which is nice. He's not always so serious when I come in. Turns out I have pharyngitis (infected pharynx a.k.a. soar throat). Well since I am obviously just prone to sickness the doctor opted to give me a shot right into the vein in my elbow. (This way I won't get pneumonia). He couldn't stop talking about how people would kill to have veins like mine. It was a little odd, but it's always nice to get a compliment, right. Even if it's for blood tubes. I just thought it was rather amuzing. So with my shot, my two different pills, my high powered cough syrup and my inhaler that was all prescribed to me today I think I'm going to survive this soar throat....YES! And now that Eckerd's turned into CVS pharmacy, my prescriptions went up a dollar. That sucks. Oh well.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!! Shamrock & Roll.

"I'm ready to go, Gonna see my name underneath the stars when I walk the Boulevard. This outfit set me back two paychecks and a Cadillac. The horroscope today said things would go my way." -Sunset Strip Bith Eve6

What does it all Mean

As I was thinking about how many weddings I will be participating in this summer, I began to think about my future wedding (that is if I ever find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with...right now I'm no where near being ready to be married). I was thinking about colors and dresses and bridesmaids. Then I was thinking all three of my Best Friends are engaged to be married this summer. My three best friends consist of a girl that I grew up with since 2nd grade, a girl that I went to high school with, and then a girl that was my best friend through out college. They all have someone to be their Maid of Honor. That kind of made me feel a little shitty. I'll never be someone's Maid of Honor at their wedding. Does that mean that I just don't mean as much to them as they mean to me? I would hope not, but that's what I was feeling. Granted, two of them have sisters that they chose, but the thought is still there. One of them is definitely on my top list of being my maid of honor, but now it worries me what they will think if I ask them and they didn't ask me, you know. I know I shouldn't worry about any of this, but as a girl, it was on my mind.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin

Take Away

I got some exciting news yesterday from this girl in my youth group. She got to go to New York City for her birthday/Spring break. As her and her mom were in the crowd during the Good Morning America TV Show, they were chosen to come back as guest the following day. They were running a clip on finding the perfect pair of jeans and they were interviewd by the whole cast on national television. So, I stayed home this morning and watched them on tv. It was just so awesome to see that. I was so excited for both of them. What a great experience.

Also. Since I have been at my job for a year now, I got a three percent raise!! yea!! Well I got my paycheck today. I have $260.00 taken out of each one of my paychecks for whatever reason money is taken out for. Because they take out so much of my money, I only see about 40% of my raise. That is RIDICULOUS.

"I don't care what my teachers say, I'm gonna be a supermodel. And Everyone is gonna dress like me, wait and see. When I'm a supermodel my hair will shine like the sea. Everyone will wanna look just like me...Cause I'm young and I'm hip, and so beautiful, I'm gonna be a supermodel." -Supermodel Jill Sobule

Life's Like This...

I love camp. There is just something about going to camp and being around people you trust and just be yourself. I grew up going to summer camp, then I worked at the same summer camp, and now as a youth director I take my youth to the same summer camp. So it is a huge part of my life. This weekend there was a weekend brainstorming session at camp to get ideas about how to get the 20 and 30 year olds back to church. It was really successful, but I think I was there more for selfish reasons. Because I have such a huge background with this camp, I just wanted to be there, and I knew I would see old friends. And I did. It was so nice to just be with great people.
Then Sunday was nice. I had no duties after church because everyone is on Spring Break. Therefore, I went out to lunch with my sponsors from the church. It was just like being with family. I love them so much. They are a great couple, a little older than my parents, plus I know their son from working at camp with him. Camp just gives you so many wonderful connections.


"Throw away the radio suitcase that keeps you awake-hide the telephone in case, you realize that sometimes you're not okay-you level off but its not all right now you need to understand there's nothing strange about this-you need to know your friends-I'll be waving my hand watching you drown watching you scream-quiet or loud" Clumsy-Our Lady Peace

Won't You be my Neighbor?

I must say that I have one of the most wonderful neighbors anyone could have ever asked for. Especially for being a girl and living by myself in a new town. Yesterday evening as I was hanging out ther was a knock on my door and it was my neighbor. He said..."Let's drink a beer and watch the sunset." Now, this is NOT a romantic situation, he's thirty years older than me and knows that I still don't know many people up here. So, we sat at his patio table and watched the sun go down as we talked about life. He's working things out with his ex-wife, I'm trying to not be so chicken around guys...we just support each other in our decisions. It's a nice relationship that we have. We sit around every few weeks. He's good about staying in contact. It's super awesome to know that someone cares.

I'm also getting my carpet's cleaned today. I drink in my living room ALL THE TIME. But the only time I spill is when I'm drinking Cherry Kool-Aid. I sure hope the cleaning man can get those ridiculous stains out.

"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you be my neighbor?" -Mr. Roger's

Turning Saints into the Sea

Weddings, weddings everywhere.
Weddings, weddings, I don't care.

I've reached the time in my life where EVERYONE around me is getting married.
I keep getting phone calls and emails about buying a dress, getting shoes, dates for showers, do I want to get make-up done...I sure hope I still have some hair left to get fixed for these weddings. I'm not even close to getting married and I think I am about just as stressed as every bride I've talked to. I guess that is just how life goes.

On a different note, I extended my apartment lease for another year. Rent went up about $30 so I think I can handle that, plus I get a raise on my next paycheck. That's pretty awesome.

I also downloaded a new ringer for my cell phone. This one's for you Lauren, everytime you call me fron now on, this is what I'll hear: "Touch me, tease me, kiss me, please me. I give it to ya just how you like it, girl. You know I'm rockin with the best fo' pound on my hip Gold chain on my chest." It just puts a smile on my face.

"Lil' mama show me how you move it, Better Yet put ya back into it, Do ya thang like there ain't nothin to it, Shake..shake.. shake that ass girl." -50 Cent

You're My Wonderwall

This was by far a wonderful weekend. Friday I woke up and went to Austin, I met up with my friend Christine from high school and went to watch a basketball game. The girls high school team that we graduated from was in the state basketball play-offs. That was fun to go to. Got to see some old friends...see who's married, see who's had a baby, just see people. Then after that I drove down to San Antonio. My good friend Courtney is getting married this summer and I'm in her wedding. I've only seen her, like, twice since we graduated from college together over a year ago. I stayed with her and her fiance and her dog and cat. Well, we're both working women now and are pretty much loser's when it comes to going out on a Friday night. We ended up going to Hooligans and watching the Spurs game and were back home by about 10:45. Not much of a night life. It was really nice to see her again...we hadn't talked for a while after graduation so it's nice to get the friendship started back up again.

Then Saturday morning I went home to the great Peanut Capital of Texas...Floresville. My cousins little boy was haveing a 4th birthday party, so I went with my parents to the party. It was cute...he had a Spider Man theme. Then I drove all the way back to G-town in the worst weather EVER. It was raining and gross, but I got back in one piece. Yea...

Then this Sunday I had a huge presentation to make to the congregation. I am throwing out the old confirmation program and starting a new one. So I had to get in front of everyone and talk about what I am doing and what this new program is all about. I was pretty proud of myseld. It's my first big change that I've made since I've been here. It was kind of a rush. Everyone was for it, so that nice. I'll have lots of support. All-In-All it was a great weekend.

"And all the roads we have to walk along are winding. And all the lights that lead us there are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to youI don't know how, Because maybe, You're gonna be the one who saves me? And after all You're my wonderwall " -OASIS

Good Day

Sometimes you just know when you are going to have a good day. This morning as I was driving to work my phone rang at about 8:15 a.m. I get a little irritated when people call me before 9:00, so I'm sure I sounded a little rude when I answered the phone. Well, it was one of my dedicated high school youth parents (she calls me a lot, so it really wasn't unsually that she called). She called to tell me that she just passed my going the opposite way to take her daughter to school and knew that I would be getting to work early/on-time. And wanted to let me know that she really appreciates the fact that I am always on time and punctual and that that is a good character to have. That was it... she said have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you later. How neat is that, to just get a phone call to have someone compliment you out of the blue. I almost cried, but I just had to smile about that. It's just nice to hear that I am appreciated and that people respect what I do. I don't have family close by and that's hard at times, but people here just amaze me. What a wonderful way to start off the day.

Plus tomorrow I get to see my dad because my High School is playing in the girls basketball state play-offs in Austin and I'm going to meet him to go watch them. Yea!!

"Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. I got to say it was a good day" -Ice Cube

Wave on Wave

Yesterday was such a great day. Besides have beautiful weather, everything was just... good. I went with a lady from the church to pick up a very bitter elderly woman and bring her to church to get her picture taken for the directory. Now this woman is that crazy lady that everyone is scared of: She lives in a dilapadated house, there are stray cats everywhere, a dead bird on her entry way to her house, junk all over her yard and pathways threw her house because she has so much junk. Well, we get her into the car and these were the few conversations that she started: Dishes are piling up in her kitchen and she doesn't know what to do with all the rats that are crawling in them, she has a pimple on her eye and a yeast infection, she has no family because they don't want anything to do with her, and she wants the kids of the church to fix her roof, paint her porch and rake her leaves. You can't help but just smile and listen to her, she really is a neat lady. Just a little lonely. I am super glad that I got to spend time with her, and also just as glad that I didn't have to do it by myself. It really was a learning/growing/eye-opening experience. On the way to take her back home we stopped and bought her a chicken sandwich and strawberry malt from Jack-n-the-box and that just made her day. It was wonderful.

My second great part of the day was actually getting to go out. I only know a few people, so I'm stuck at home by myself for most of the time. It turns out that I have some friends from Wisconsin who are friends with this band called "#1 Fan" who are also from Wisconsin and just so happened to be playing in Austin last night. Well because I know these people I got put on "the list" to get into the show. Which by the way was EXCELLENT, I love listening to new music, and nothing beats seeing it live. Anyways, I have one friend in the area and she also happens to be friends with the same people from Wisconsin. Perfect. I thought we could go together, but it didn't work out. I didn't want to go by myself, so I called one of my best friends roommates. Who I happened to go to Catholic School with from 2nd-4th grade. Well, she came with me and it was awesome. It was great to hang out with this old friend and catch up on so much. We talked about old friends we had, new friends we have, and all kinds of stuff. It is just awesome to be "re-friends" with someone. Plus, now I have someone else to hang out with. Yea!!

So, All-in-All it was just a great day. I hope everyone else is having a super day!

"We were Gonna be different, Now where did those Dreamers go" -Sister Hazel

You Can't Change Me

I really do not like were my life is going right now. I think I'm turning into a recluse. All I do is come home and sit on the couch and play with my rat and then I eat and watch tv and then I go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. I think my body needs some excercise or something. I'm not worried about getting "fat" or anything but I am worried of really getting out of shape. Not that I was ever in shape to begin with, but I was at least a little fit. I guess I'll worry about that when the time comes.

I just got some news about of my friends that in shot 5 times in Iraq. He's back at home for a while and goes in for another surgery in a few days. I am just so excited that everything is turning out well for him and that he is making an awesome recovery. I like to see God fix people. It's amazing what he can do. If I can, I may try and make a trip down there to see him this weekend. But that's a long drive, so I'll keep thinking about it. I won't have another free weekend for a while, so I may need to take advantage of that....

"Had a bad day, don't talk to me, gonna ride this out. My little black heart, breaks apart,with your big mouth. And I'm sick of my sickness. Don't touch me, you'll get this. I'm useless, lazy, perverted, and you hate me. You can't save me, You can't change me. Well I'm waiting for my wake-up call. And Everything, everything's my fault. You can't save me,You can't blame me,Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,and everything, and everything's my fault."