One of my Favorite People!!

Yes...I have favorite people, and they are all very special. They're not necessarily best friends of mine...they're just wonderful people.
Today I'll tell you about Brad H...he's definitely one of my favorites. He just always puts a smile on my face with his personality. I met Brad in the summer of 2002 at Camp Chrysalis where we were on staff together. So, even though I've only known him a few years...he's one of the top people on my list.

Brad has been living in the Domincal Republic with the Peace Corps for a little over a year know and he sends updates every now and then through another type of blog. He is a Youth Specialist which means he is in charge of forming youth sports leagues, teaching sexual health, teaching a little English, organizing literacy campagins etc... for the youth in a rural community in the Dominican Republic. But this time, I got a personal email from him. Mostly, he was just asking for money to help sponsor some kids to get some retreats set up for them. He write:

"I was writing to see if you and the youth at your church would be interested in helping out my community. Thanks to a generous donation from the NFL (specifically the Chicago Bears) we have formed a flag football team for kids ages 10-16. They have already participated in one tournament and the team is really starting to become cohesive. However, I would like to expand to focus of the group and not just concentrate on flag football but also work on leadership and character building. To do this I am organizing a series of workshops that will, hopefully, culminate with a weekend retreat to a high ropes course here in the Dominican Republic. The only problem in funding."
So if anyone would like to help out...I'm gonna help him out.

But back to why he is one of my favorite people...the way he writes just puts a smile on my face everytime.
I would like to take some snippets from his recent emails to me:

"My everything,
Hello friend! I know it has been a while since we last saw each other tromping around the fields of Camp Chrysalis, but I hope all is well for you in the bustling metropolis of Georgetown...even though I HATE YOU!"

"To my most HATED friend in the world-
I HATE you!! I hate you more than my no-milk-producing goat!! And I HATE that goat! Becky, my dear, how are you? I miss you...."

"I love you. Wait! What? No I dont! I HATE YOU!!"

" Smooch, thanks so much! You're the best. Hope everything is going well and fill me in on your life.
I hate you more than toe-socks (those things are creepy. they make your feet look like hands. Awkward!)
Brad"

Anyways...those were just from the two recent emails and I thought they were funny!

His Plan for Your Mate

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone- to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing and allow Me, to give you the most thrilling plan excisting- one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST. Please allow me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me-expecting the greatest thing- keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things other have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful than anyone would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is read. I am working even this very minute to have you both ready at the same time. Until you both are satisfied exclusively with me, and life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience that love that exemplifies your love with Me...and this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the existing unions of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and abe satisfied.

Q's:
1. What does this letter from God to you say about His role, plan, and purpose for you life?
2. What would it look like, in your life, to be 100% completely satisfied with God?
3. How do you feel knowing that God is preparing your future husband or wife at this very moment?


*I was looking for a devotional to do with my high school group this Sunday while we go camping and I found this in a binder that I had from when I worked at camp and I wanted to share it with you all.

Thoroughly Predictable

Here's a secret...I love the movie "A Walk To Remember". I just think it's a great movie. Probably not likely...but still, a great movie.
I watched it on Sunday over the couple hours I wasn't at church. There's a scene in the movie where Mandy Moore and Shane West are riding the school bus back to their school after Saturday tutoring and this is one of the conversations they had:

Jamie: Please don't pretend like you know me, ok?
Landon: But I do, I do. We've had all the same classes in the same school since kindergarten. Why you're Jamie Sullivan. You sit at lunch table 7. Which isn't exactly the reject table, but is definitely in self exile territory. You have exactly one sweater. You like to look at your feet when you walk. Oh, oh, and yeah, for fun, you like to tutor on weekends and hang out with the cool kids from "Stars and Planets." Now how does that sound?
Jamie: Thoroughly predictable, nothing I haven't heard before.
Landon: You don't care what people think about you?
Jamie: No.

So now I'm just going back to my last post...it may seem that you know who I am or what I'm about...but like she says, it's just thoroughly predictable. Hah...I love it.

Also, let me give you the definition of a deadline: a date or time before which something must be done. a date or time BEFORE which something MUST be done. Now, when I see that there is a deadline I'm usually turning it in before it's actually due.
Now to me, this is a simple task. You get an assignment you get the date in which you need to give it back. Simple.
I didn't know that this doesn't apply to everyone. Silly me just thought that we all had to go by certain deadlines. But apparently this isn't true. Some people are just so powerful that deadlines don't apply to them. They can turn in anything past deadline and it's fine. How do you get this power you ask? But there are people that go to my church that just seem to think that deadlines mean: turn it in whenever it's convenient to you, so that you are not going out of your way make someone else's life easier. Maybe I just have the wrong dictionary.
So please for the sake of other people's job's and sanity, if you see that something has a deadline, try and get it turned in one time!! Please!

So Much!!

I have so much to talk about today!! Awesome I know. I'm sure you all have just been waiting to hear me say that! There's a lot to say because lots has happened since 4:00 yesterday.

First, the secretary and I just have Hours upon hours of "comp" time building up, so we decided to leave work at about 4:45. Which at first I saw as a good thing because I needed to make a stop at Pet Smart because Peanut needed some food. I ended up buying her a new house too because her little wooded one that she has now is a couple years old and just a little gross and chewed up. Fine, I don't mind buying stuff that I need.

As I was leaving I noticed that Best Buy was just across the parking lot and I was thinking to myself..."you know, I haven't bought a CD in a while and I KNOW for a fact that New Found Glory's new CD, "Coming Home" just came out today." CD's are always cheaper if you buy them on the day they come out, so it was just logical to buy it that day! I also remembered that The Early November also had a newer CD out that I hadn't purchased yet. So of course, I might as well buy it while I'm there, right? Right. Plus when I got there, I saw that the Early November CD was a 3 disk pack + a DVD...That's awesome. Three CD's + DVD for like $13.99...it doesn't get any better than that. So basically I bought like 4 CD's for under $25. That's good spending. AWESOME!! I know.
As I was checking out the high school boy ringing me up asks how I'm doing. I say: "I'm doing well, thanks. How are you doing?" "I've never heard anybody answer like that, using the word 'well'"...I told him that he's not the first person to tell me that. I got called out on saying "well" the other day also. Isn't that the correct way to use that word? I'm not an English major, but I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong. Then he says, "It's just funny to see someone your age say it that way"....my age? What the heck does that mean? I kind of laughed a little laugh and then walked out of the store. And what did I see when I walked out...more stores. I can't control myself. I proceeded to buy three shirts at another store. Then I made myself leave, because apparently I have a problem and I needed to get out of the shopping area!

So I got home and sat on my kitchen counter and put my new CD's in the CD player one at a time, and yes, I listed to every song. How many songs you ask...59. Yes, 59 songs I listened to. That's a lot of songs. But one of the disks from The Early November has 24 songs on it and none of them are over a minute and a half. So that helped.
I think I made some excellent purchases at Best Buy. I definitely recommend both of those CD's to anyone looking for new CD's to buy.

After listening to all my new songs I watched the movie "Hustle and Flow". I also recommend that movie to you all, especially if you like rap music. It was just good entertainment and an eye opener. I was interupted half way through by my cousin. But I didn't mind because I really like talking to him. He'll be 30 in December (don't tell him I told you that), so he's my "advice" guy. He tells me what guys are really thinking when they say certain things, and I tell him what girls really think when they say certain things. He really makes me feel good about decisions I make when it comes to guys and lets me know that I shouldn't feel bad about anything I decide. Kind of makes me feel alright that I'm shallow at times. He's definitely shallow at times...but come on, who's not Shallow??? You're lying if you say you're not. So we had a nice hour long talk...Good times.

So then I go to sleep. I'm such a bad sleeper. I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep for years now. It's like my back just know's when I'm going to bed. As soon as I lay down I can just start feeling it begin to throb and then I can't get comfortable and everything from my shoulders to my neck to my spine to my ribs to all over my back is just hurting. It really stinks. Yes, I've been to doctors and gotten medication and done the "excercises" prescribed to me and even got an MRI on it, but nothing seems to work. It sucks. And I complain about it...but I don't know what to do about it, so any suggestions on this subject will be appreciated!!

Of course I wake up unrested and in pain, but I have to face the day anyways...and yes it still hurts, but I guess it's just something I have to live with.

While I'm getting ready this morning, the Bobby Bones show is talking about the farthest you've ever been for a first date. Some people were calling in that they flew to Missouri and it didn't work out right away and a girl was just stranded there for a couple days by herself because the guy just wasn't that interested. That's rude of the guy. At least hang out with her while she's there! So here's my story.

First story comes all the way from Detroit, Michigan. That is 1352.65 miles away...pretty far I know. But at least it was him that flew down and not me. It was a nice 5 days together of hanging out. Of course it didn't work out, but it was a fun weekend of something different.
Second story takes me 1388.76 miles...just a little farther. Yes I flew all the way to Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin. By myself. My parents were a little freaked out, but it was a family member of a lady at church. So I wasn't too worried. I knew right away that it wasn't really something that was going to "work out" and we talked about that right away, and so the trip was great. We still had lots of fun hanging out. Plus I got to travel and I love traveling and I don't think I would have ever gone to Wisconsin for anything. So it was a good excuse to go there!
Both boys were pretty far, make that Very Far, away from home, but they were both something new and exciting. Long distance relationships are hard and you have to work at them. But I think they can be something great as long as you both put something into. I don't necessarily recommend that everyone make these long trips, but for some, it could be a great experience for you!

Then I met a boy from Florence, South Carlonina this past fall while I was in Nashville and he was pretty fun. We hung out for a night and then I flew back to Texas and he drove back home. We talked on the phone for a few months after that, but again, it wasn't a big deal. Just another state to mark off of guys...just kidding. I don't have boys in every state...or do I? Kidding again. But I do have friends from far away.

When I worked in Pennsylvania at Camp Tioga, I met a bunch of fun people. I didn't actually "date" anyone while I was there. But I did go on a date the last day before I left for Maryland. This guy was from New York, but I think he's in Massechusetts now. We still email back and forth every now and then...which is nice. Just a little catch up time.
I guess I do have friends all over the place!!! I even have friends out in California, Arizona, Kansas, Oregan...goodness, I need to start traveling more to make some visits!

The morning radio show just got my juices flowing about all the people from out of state that I don't get to see anymore...

So those are all my stories for the day...

Like and Dislike

I was inspired by another blog to think of things that I hate. So I got on the topic if words that I dislike. I really don't like the word Hate, so we're going to use "dislike".

So here it is. Words I dislike:

1. Hate
2. Panties or Panty
3. Pure
4. Discharge
5. Denied
6. Cancer
7. Douche

Words I Like:

1. Amazing
2. Delerious
3. Pumpkin
4. Skittle

Now this is a work in progress so I'm sure I will think of more words, but this is just what popped into my head at this moment.

Sometimes I Wish

Sometims I wish I could trade places with someone else. Just to be somewhere different, do something different, and be someone different. I HATE when people stereotype me and just assume they know who I am. I guess I'm just as guilty, but I feel I at least give people a chance. It really gets to me sometimes...like I have this huge label across my forehead and when people read it, they stear clear of me. It hurts, and it sucks and most of the time I can't do anything about it. I'm terrified that no one will ever see me for who I really am. The feeling comes and goes but when it hits...it's gut wrenching.

I had dinner with an old friend the other day, someone that I don't really ever "hang out" with, but he was in town, so I did. He just got married this past May and I was asking how that was going. His response..."We don't really have anything in common, but she's real cool." Nothing in Common??!! Real Cool!!! Not a "man I really love her" or "it's just great"...it was a little depressing to hear.
Why would you even consider marrying someone you have nothing in common with? To me, he's just settling. I know he's in his 30's and was probably just thinking this was the next logical step to take...but that stinks. I don't want to have to "settle" for someone. That's just sad-but at the rate I'm going-there's a possibility that it could happen. But I'm going to do my best for that not to happen.

Where to go now? Life is just very distracting right now, I have a hard time concentrating and focusing on certain tasks. I can't figure out what's distracting me-but there's something there. I don't know how to put my finger on it, I just wish I could so that I can get in to a more of a routine where I can actually "live". Wouldn't that be Awesome? I guess if I had the will power I could just switch things on and off, but I just don't have the strength. I can see myself being ridiculous, but how do I fix things without help. If I just had the strength and will power to change my attitude things would be so different....better.

Had a good talk with Lauren last night. Goodness, I miss that girl. She's the only girl I know that I'm so comfortable to tell things to. There's no judgement in her tone...just friendliness. It sucks that she's so far away...but at least we're still as close as if she was still here!

A Few More

Here's a few more songs that I thought of over the weekend that I think you all should listen to:

Mest - "Living Dead"
Sum 41 - "Motivation" and "In Too Deep"
New Found Glory - "Head on Collision" and "The Story So Far"
Blink 182 - "Please Take Me Home"
John Mayer - "Love Song for No One"
Something Corporate - "Fall"
Guster - "Rocketship"
Our Lady Peace - "Do You Like It"
Trik Turner - "Friends and Family"
Lil' Keke - "Platinum in the Ghetto" (that one's just fun!)
Sensefield - "Save Yourself"
David Gray - "Be Mine"
Aqualung - "Brighter Than Sunshine"
Better Than Ezra - "Lifetime"
Mest - "Rooftops"
Phantom Planet - "One Ray of Sunlight"
Sarah McLachlan - "Push"

I chose these songs because of the lyrics, so you would really need to listen to them!! Go ahead, they're wonderful!

LISTEN TO ME!!!

I was listening to the Bobby Bones Show this morning and I only caught a glimpse of this one segment and it was them giving off their three favorite songs...or something like that and it got me thinking about what my favorite songs are. I love listening to music, so it's hard for me to narrow down what my favorite songs are.

So I decided to share the list with you all that I came up with. These are in no way in any particular order because I love them all. I tried puting them in groups, but I couldn't do that. I know there are more songs out there, but this was just me brain-storming at work, if I were to sit down at home with lots of time...I could come up with some more songs...so here it is for now.

Becky's List of Top Songs!!:
"Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice
"Just Like Heaven" - The Cure (The Goldfinger version is awesome too)
"Hands Down" - Dashboard Confessional
"So Long, So Long" - Dashboard Confessional
"Push" - Sarah McLachlan
"I Shall Believe" - Sheryl Crow
"Always on Your Side" - Sheryl Crow
"Season" - Good Charlotte
"Faithfully" - Journey
"Jack and Diane" - John Mellencamp
"Do I Have to Say the Words" - Brian Adams
"With or Without You" - U2
"You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" - Righteous Brothers
"Chcolate" - Snow Patrol
"I Want to Hear You Sad" - The Early November
"Mr. Jones" - Counting Crows
"Straight Up" - Paula Abdul
"Cover Girl" - New Kids on the Block
"Every Rose Has it's Thorns" - Poison
"Here I Go Again on my Own" - Whitesnake
"To Be With You"- Mr. Big
"Going Nowhere" - Oasis (and Wonderwall was awesome too)
"Killing Me Softly" - The Fugees
"Tears in Heaven" - Eric Clapton
"Walk on the Ocean" - Toad the Wet Sprocket
"Head On Collision" - New Found Glory
"Paul Revere" - Beastie Boys

Now I know there are plenty more...especially when it comes to Rap or R&B, but this is just the basic list for now. I hope you take some time to listen to some of the songs that you don't know...so that you can see why I like them!!

Sneezing

Because I don't know how to put a video up on a blog I'm sending the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3TnQ16leUE

I love this clip of Dane Cook, I've watched it a couple times and I think it's great.
Yes, it has a couple cuss words on it, but just pretend like they're not there.

But all you out there who hear "God bless you" after someone sneezes it's because ONLY God can "bless" you...no one else has the power to bless, just "The LORD".

Give Me Some Credit

I think I must keep my self confidence in a box hidden in my closet because it's never around when I need it. I have my moments of feeling inadequate when it comes to my job and to other aspects of my life. But when I take that step back...I see how much I really do have things under control.

I have been a complete wreck when it comes to this program I'm starting at work. I haven't been able to please everyone (and that drives me up the wall), I don't feel like I'm doing things right, and I just don't think I'm accomplishing anything that needs to get done.

I met with my "boss" today and he set me straight. I was looking at what I do and you know what...sometimes I just amaze myself at how well I do with what I'm given. I need to just give myself a pat on the back and tell myself that I'm doing the right thing and everything will turn out. I can't help it if parents aren't as dedicated to church as mine were and don't get their kids here. It's NOT my problem. They are the ones that will have to deal with it in the future.

My support system here just seems kind of hidden at times. It's not like when I was living at home and my parents were always telling me how well of a job I was doing, I'm not surrounded by the positive energy that I once had. Peanut shows her affection when I walk in the door, but utltimately I have to be the one that keeps me going and energized about what I do every day.
Yes I have people here that tell me I'm doing a good job, but it's not daily, it's just when they see me do something they approve of. But I'm just as guilty, I don't always go up to everyone I know and give them a pat on the back just for the heck of it. Maybe that's something I should start doing though. Just go up to people and tell them their doing a good job...we'll see...

Maybe This Year Will be Better Than The Last...

I'm going to copy a little from Lauren's post because it triggered some feelings that I've been having as well.
I took this line from "Long December" and have used it in many different ways. I had a friend that was killed from drinking and driving in High School and I put this in a card to his parents, I've also used it in just letter's to friends or in passing of aquaintances.

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
~ Counting Crows

It's so simple, but so hard at times. We always think we're always going to have these "moments", that they'll never leave us. We (or I) don't think about the little things as they're happening. They don't even have to be these amazing moments, they could just be getting a starbucks with a friend or meeting up with a family member at a bar, or watching the stars while laying on the roof. I know I appreciate all these actions, but do I really "take it all in"? I don't know, I would like to think I do, but I just don't know.
Even with my job, I know I won't be here at this place for ever, but am I really soaking up every detail of the good times? I know I'm not, because I just alway assume there will be a next one and so I don't really think about it.

What does it take to actually think about holding on to these "moments"? What do we do with these moments in time? Webster defines a moment as: a point of time. That's all it is, is a point of time. We can't really save time or make it longer, it's just there. We need to be aware of these moments and cherish them. We should never take our time here for granted. Even little simple activities are here for us and we should appreciate them.

So when a breeze hits your face, or a friend wants a coffee, or a friend needs a ride...any little thing. Stop and breathe it in and be happy to do it because it may not always be there.

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood

It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should
~Counting Crows

Love to Listen

I am just so excited that there are so many great songs on the radio now. I feel like we had been going threw a dry spell for sometime, but there are just so many great new songs out there. Last night while I was driving back from San Antonio I didn't even have to put in a CD because every time I would change the radio station, a good song was on. I usually have to listen to a few CD's on that drive because nothing I like is ever on...whew...I love it. Plus today, it hasn't gotten warmer than 72 degrees (I don't know what's going on), so I drove to work and back for lunch and back to work with the window's down. I LOVE driving with the windows down. I even got a little chilly...

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"
~The Cure

On another note...life is good. Changes are in progress and I have things to look forward to.
I got to spend a few nights at home, which was nice because I won't get to do that for a while now. Did LOT'S of bonding with the brother's, I was even brave enough to go and talk to this guy from back hom that I've had a crush on for a while. It really wasn't anything, I just think he's pretty cute, and I never talk to him because well...I'm a chicken and he's a few years older than I am. But I sucked it up and we talked for a good 30 minutes, nothing special, but at least I can't say that I didn't do it. Hopefully that'll make me brave enough to do it again...maybe not with him, but just with guys in general. I'm trying to step out of the box.

My mom made me clean out my room at their house because she wants to do some rearranging...so I had to go through about four boxes of stuff (aka: Crap). I'm such a saver, I so much silly stuff in those boxes. But I found old pictures and back packs and year books...it was a little easier to throw some of that stuff out than I thought...so now I need to try and do that here in Georgetown, I have so much "STUFF" that I don't need and it just sits around collecting dust. Hopefully I can make myself sift through all the stuff I don't need. I think it'll just freshen things up a bit.

Where's my head at?

I must be losing it!! I have just had one of those weeks where I seem to be in another place than where I should be.
Monday morning when I was leaving for work I noticed that my door was unlocked. I NEVER leave my door unlocked. As long as I've been living by myself I always lock at least one of the three locks as soon as I shut the door behind me when I come home. At night I lock both dead bolt, I used to latch the chain, but I don't anymore because I feel it's a waste of time. That's the second time I've woken up with my door unlocked. I don't really expect anyone to climb the three flights of stairs to "rob" me, I have nothing to rob, except my TV...but that's too much energy for any robber. It just kind of shocked me that I actually forgot to lock my door. I always lock the door even when I have company, it's just habit.

Then, last night I was for some reason unusually tired when I was coming home from Kyle's. I got home, locked the door, and seriously, just went straight to bed. Of course I brushed my teeth and washed my face...and then went straight to my bed. This morning the sun is blinding and me and I'm thinking...that's weird, the sun isn't usually that bright when I wake up. Well, I was right, the sun isn't that bright when I wake up because it was 40 minutes after I usually get up. That's right, I forgot to set my alarm last night. So instead of waking up at 7:20, I woke up at 8:00...Needless to say, I took a very quick shower (which meant, no washing of the hair...I hate not having clean hair), got dressed and walked out the door. I'm wearing my hair in a pony tail today...I NEVER wear my hair in a pony tail...I guess it's not because I don't like pony tails, but I get headaches whenever I wear my hair any other way than just plain down. So I can already feel the small aches coming on, but I'm trying to push through them.

Lastly...I've been dropping things a lot. Like my depth perseption is just really off for some reason. I've stumbled on steps, had to reach for my bottle water a couple times because for some reason I keep missing it, and I just can't seem to keep a grip on things. It's really weird. It's not like I've been a little clumbsy here and there, it's that I've just been off...I don't know how to explain it.
It's been a weird few days. I guess I'm just that distracted with everything right now. Lot's of personal stuff that I'm keeping locked up...and then my job is stressing the heck out of me. Looks like another vacation is in order. Good thing I get a 4 day weekend this weekend, I'm ready for that.

Anyways...maybe I need to start taking vitamins or somthing so that I can get back on track. I don't want ro really lose my mind...not yet.

Where's your head at?
We can't live on, live on without you
We can't live on, live on without you!!!
-Basement Jaxx

Pieces of Me

My Dad has been participating in A.C.T.S. retreats for a couple of years now. It's through the Catholic church and it has to do with ACTS 2:42-47; breaking bread together, worshipping together, receiving instruction together, sharing in common, and reaching out in loving service. He went to one as a participant and now he has been helping to lead ones for youth. He's done a few of them throughout the past couple years and always has stories to tell me about them. It's our way of bonding, I guess.

They always do skits at the retreats and he loves telling me about these. So far I have been able to relate with a lot of the skits he shares with me, but this past one just gave me the goosebumps and I am going to give you the short version of how I remember it.

It starts off with a girl on a dark stage with a huge paper heart around her neck.
Her boyfriend comes on and they get into an argument and break up and he rips a piece of her heart and takes it with him.
Then her Dad walks in and yells at her for not making all A's on her report cards and walks away with a piece of her heart.
And it goes on like this for a while and her heart is just ripped to shreds. So she has pieces of her heart all over the place.

Then Jesus walks in with a brand new heart for her and he tells her how Jesus is always in her heart and has a brand new heart with him.

I feel like that sometime I have a piece of my heart all over the place and I'm not left with much. A part of me is back in Floresville, pieces are spread out in San Antonio, Georgetown, South Carolina, Michigan, TLU...I'm spread out pretty thin. And even though I work at a church, sometimes I don't always feel like Jesus is standing over me with this huge heart just for me. I wish I could get that feelings, I just don't know how to get there.

And she falls down trying...

Yet another weekend of my life was spent in San Antonio, I seem to be going there a lot lately when I find myself not at work. It's a soothing and familiar place to me and I'm actually happy when I'm there.
While I do not have to work on Friday's most other people with normal hours do. So I treated myself to the movies and while watching this movie something really dawned on me. It was weird because as I was sitting in the dark theater I just had one of those "that's what it is" moments. I figured out why I was never comfortable in a relationship: I have always been scared of not being able to live up to how other people see me. I'm just me, and I always think that people see me differently. Like they see me as someone who is always put together and knows what she wants out of life and is always happy and easy to get along with. When really...I'm a mess, I'm a lot different from what I may seem to be like, I never think I'm as pretty as other girls, and I'm not always easy to get along with. But who isn't all these things? We all have our moments. Whatever...I just need to learn to be "ME" and have people know that I can be all sorts of crazy because what you see is not always what you get...know what I mean.

And to my sweet LD, like you always tell me, someone will love me for all my craziness and someone will love you for all your craziness! It will be easy and though there will be trying times, it won't be too much to work through.
I've fallen down so many times trying so hard to impress people and make people happy and do what I feel is right, that sometimes it's just a kick in the face. If we have to try that hard, then it's just not worth it if people don't see us for who we are. Just remember: When a newborn chick thinks it's whole world is collapsing it's just the beginning of a new and wonderful life.


"And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.

When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you."
-Familiar 48

Yesterday...

...all my troubles seemed so far away, Now it look as though they're here to stay, Oh, I believe in yesterday.
It's funny how one word can make a song pop into your head...this Beatle's song is my "yesterday" song...

If you asked me what I did yesterday, this is what I would tell you: I went to a sneak Preview of BeerFest!! How exciting. I've never gotten to see a movie before it came out. Well it was only 2 days before it comes out...but that's a big deal for me. Plus, it was at the Alamo Draft House and that just has good times written all over it.

I went with my friend Wes, we grew up down the street from each other and went to high school together and all that good stuff. Well, his girlfriend's cousin somehow got a few free passes to the movie and Wes invited me along. It was nice to hang out with a familiar person...

We got to talking about how we both want to move closer to home eventually. I mean, I do love the Austin area, but it's just not "home". Now I don't feel as guilty about wanting to be closer to family and friends...because I'm not the only one thinking about it. I know once I move back to the San Antonio area I'm really going to miss being close to Austin, but that's just how life goes. We also got to play a little foosball afterwards...I'm learning some "moves" so watch out...I've never really had that much fun playing that game, but once I kind of knew what I was doing...it can be quite entertaining!

Just Let It Go...

I've never thought of myself to hold a grudge against anyone...I'm one of those forgive and forget and lets be friends again...I'm having a hard time with that right now.

I got a phone call from a friend this weekend to give me some info for our spa day on Saturday in San Antonio...well I asked if anyone was doing anything exciting on Thursday or Friday night before the spa day that I needed to come in early for. . .That's when it hit me like a brick wall. Something about Travis and this other girl maybe doing something...

Now Travis and I have a little history together, nothing big, I think we went out a couple times in high school. But he's always been the boy that I look back on and think of how much I liked him and if things were different...blah blah blah...I've definitely had a crush on him since high school, but then he moved to Colorado and then he joined the Marines and life just got in the way, you know what I mean.
Well in June he poured his "heart" out to me about how has always had this huge crush on me and how much he liked me and wanted to "try" and start something with me and how his family already loves me and he didn't care that I lived in Georgetown, and I told him how I felt and how I've waited to hear him say that, blah blah blah...well as you know that got shot to shit...and YES it did hurt, but I got over it.

The thing that's bothering me, is that he been dating this girl since like the week after he told me all those things. Who does that? All of a sudden just change your feelings and move on to the next one, it takes me longer than a week to do that...And I'm friends with this girl and I'm going to have to spend the day with her on Saturday and I can already see myself being a little stand-off-ish around her and I don't want to be that way. I guess it's more because I like this girl and I don't want her to get hurt because I know this guy can be a jerk...I don't know maybe it's different this time.

Or...maybe I'm just jealous because I'm always the girl that gets shit on and not the one that guys just drop what they're doing to hang out with me...you know. I'm just ready for my turn. And I don't want to be all emotional when I go and hang out with all these girls this weekend.

What a yucky feeling. Does everyone else have this much drama in their lives, because sometimes I feel like I'm just a magnet for it...

I just wish I was strong enough to let all this stuff just slip right off of me...I would feel so much better if I would let it go and not dwell on it. I mean, guys seem to just let it go...why is it harder for girls to do the same?

NUMB

You can't even imagine how much I hurt having to come back to my empty apartment. EVERY TIME I got to San Antonio I have a hard time leaving. I can already forsee how bad these next couple days will be. I always feel like I'm leaving a piece of me back there, or that I forgot to do something while I was there and now I have to wait until the next time I back to do it.

The whole drive back last night I just had this numb feeling, like I didn't care what happened to me...I could get in a car accident and I would have been fine with it. Being out of commission for a while. I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now and not actually doing ANYTHING. I get up take a shower go to work do my job and it just feels like I've doing nothing. I blink my eyes and the day is over and I don't remember doing anything...I just do it. I don't feel anything anymore. No emotions, no energy, no feeling...nothing.

My stomach has just been in knots and I can't eat. Now I'm back in the routine of my life here in G-Town...and the depression sinks in. I never realized how rough life can get.
Plus I get on this huge high of being around people I love for so long and then "BAMM" I'm back to just me and peanut in my apartment...now I love that girl...but it's difficult on me sometimes.

Plus I think I'm pissed that I didn't get to see a certain person while I was there...now I know it's better that way, but at the same time...I just think it would have made the trip a little more enjoyable...but then I would just get back here and beat myself up about it because I'm such a FOOL at times.

I always seem to set myself up for disappointment. I put myself in these situations where I know I'm going to get hurt...yet I can't stop myself. What's wrong with me? I am just a complete Idiot at times. I need to quit being a people pleaser and just do my thing...but I hate when other people aren't happy...no matter how unhappy it makes me. I really just need a change in my life...something to make ME happy. But I don't know what will make me happy. Sometimes I think I know what it is ...but it usually is a false sense of happiness.

I just need something to make that tense feeling go away to where I can be comfortable with life again.

The Question

I Love you so she says
As she stops her thoughts and turns her head
I guess I am not supposed to care.
Well I'm no good, I don't belong.
I don't know how I made it this far alone.
I should not be here today.
And she falls down tryin',

Yeah she falls down cryin'.
And she tells me that she does it all for me.

When the clouds come, and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on.
Will I be there is the question from you.

Understood so afraid,

As I stop myself and throw my thoughts away
You dont know the way i feel.
Say I'm no good, I dont belong,
I don't know how i made i this far alone.
I will not apologize, no no.

And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.

When the clouds come and the rain falls,

When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you.

When you look to me, you know I will be there.
And I hold on to the feelings we both share
I wont let go, I'll catch if you fall.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,

Will I be there is the question from you.

When the clouds come, and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,

Will I be there, is the question for me.

~Familiar 48

Why Is It Like This?

Lunch with Nane (that's what we call our grandmother) was nice. We ended up staying with her for like four hours. I don't think I've ever been around her when it was just a couple people. It's always been at family functions surrounded by tons of other poeple. So it was really cool to get some quality time with her.

She likes to talk about our Grandfather alot which is very cool. He will have been gone for 11 years this year. That's crazy. It was a little sad though for her to be telling us how she still thinks about him every day...very sweet. He was a wonderful wonderful man. But I can see how much she misses him. She remarried this guy a little while after my Grandfather died because she's not someone that can really live by herself...so it's good and bad at the same time...but that's a whole other story.

Every time I'm around her she always brings up that fact that we're not married or any where near being married. She's 80 and doesn't really think before she speaks, she just kind of tells it like it is. She's convinced my "Lid" is out there, which I'm sure it is. I just don't want to think about it right now.

Why isn't that our whole lifes is about finding that one person to spend the rest of your life with? And why is it such a big deal to every body else? Why can't we just be happy with our lives and just live...I don't think our life should be based on the fact that you need to find someone to marry. Not that I don't want that...but don't bug me about why I'm not dating anyone and ask me when I'm going to "settle down". For goodness sakes I'm only 24...This is my time. Yes, it's a lonely time...but it's still my time. I life isn't going to be filled with looking and searching and being sad that all my friends are married when I'm not. I just needed a little time to vent after that encounter yesterday. I just need another vacation to get away from everything....