SNEAKY

Peanut has gotten a little too comfortable in her surroundings lately. She thinks she has free reign of the whole apartment. I find her in the most random places: The "drawer thing" under the stove, shelves in the pantry, she's managed to make her way behind the cabinets in the kitchen to climb up the wall and into one of my drawers in the kitchen. Weird. Sunday I found her running across my hanging clothes in my closet. How does she do all this? Goodness sakes, I have no clue.
She's even gone missing for a while. What if we could do that? Make our way into random places, places where people could never find us? Places where we could go and just not be found for a while.

I think we need places like that. To just give us time to be away from everything and not be bothered. OK, yes, I already live by myself, so is that like "getting away from everything"? Sort of. But I think it's good to not be somewhere that you're always at.
Growing up, I would just go some where on our property: a tree, swing, roof, ground...something.
Now my only place to get away is to drive. The world now is a little scary. It's not like I can just go sit in the park, or take a walk around the neighborhood. As trusting as I am of everyone, I'm a little scared at times. How did the world get this way?

I give off a very strong persona-like no one can touch me. But believe me, I'm all talk. I'm just as scared as the rest of you. Scared of lots of things: the future, strangers, commitment, being attacked, spiders, failing...
When did people become scared? Did people always have all these worries? I just think it would be simple if there was nothing to scare them. Well, Duh! Life shouldn't be scary. Are we the ones scaring ourselves? I feel like I'm just going off on tangents right now. But each question leads you some where else. It's true, life is full of questions.

Life is also full of...living. My neighbor once told me that's all that life asks of us, is to just live it.

How do you live it? How do I live it? I don't know... Be Happy.?!
How do you become happy? Where do you find happiness? I wish I knew.

I can tell myself to look happy and put on a smile...but it feels very fake to me. I can "make" myself happy when I'm around people doing things I love...but even then I feel like I'm putting on a show. I absolutely hate that feeling. I have absolutely no reason to not be happy. Maybe it's just a chemical imbalance...
This is just me venting. I'm not doing this for sympathy, I'm going this because I don't like to actually talk about it.

Back to Reality-
I wonder if I found something to make me happy-would I truly be happy? Who knows. I just don't wan to fake anybody out. I also don't want to fake myself out.

As I sit here writing, I'm thinking- I wanted to share something fun and silly about my rat and here I am complaining about something. That's how my personality is. I seem to be able to complain about anything and everything. My apologies to everyone who has had to hear me complain.

Something else that is on my mind. I watched Friday night as Eminem got married. How sad did that make me?!! My chances with Mr. Marshall Mathers are now gone. Although, he's divorced Kim once, maybe he'll do it again. But I do think they should stay together, for Hailey's sake. I guess that means that Chris Carraba needs to hurry up and fall in love with me!!
I'm waiting...

"And you know it's not so easy when you're all alone,
And I wonder if, I'm alone in your head."
-The Early November