I've been trying super hard to keep myself busy and I think I'm doing a good job...but it still doesn't make me feel any better or keep my mind off of the whole Matt thing. I know it's my fault. I have most of the e-mails that he had written me when we first started talking and I just read a couple of them and they were so sweet. I wonder what happened. So now I'm just sad and depressed that he's not thinking like he used to. Sad. I have like this constant lump in my throat from trying not to cry all the time. I can't get any work done....what to do.
I hung out with one of my brother's friends from high school last night. It was a nice little evening. First we had some dinner at Katz's down town. Great Sandwich shop. Then we played a couple games of pool at Slick Willy's. That wasn't that fun...we were both having bad games. So we went back downtown and sat at Woodrow's for a while and then came home. I haven't stayed out that late in a while, so I'm pretty much feeling it right now. But I think it was good for me to get out.
I've never really hung out with Jared before until last night and he definitely needs some work. Besides being in this 5 year relationship with a girl he doesn't trust and is too scared to break up with because he's a little insecure, he doesn't believe in God and he smokes. I guess I'll just have to slowly pick at him. But I had a good time...it's nice to hang out with new people every now and then.
I got to spend most of the day with Lauren yesterday as well. We drove up to camp for the day to visit some of her high schooler's. It was a nice day. Good to get out of the office for a while. Plus I always have a good time hanging out with her. What's not to like about that awesome chica.
"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything"
-NIN
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Who Am I?
I just got off the phone with one of my high school girls...we had like a 2 hour conversation about boyfriends and relationships and all that drama.
I am so good at giving advice and listening to problems and solving them. Who am I to give out all that advice and then not even be able to listen to myself? I am the last person to be talking about fixing a relationship when I can't even keep a guy interested in me for over a couple months. Seriously, I am great at telling people what I think they need to do, but for me to follow my own advice is just absurd. But maybe I'll be brave and say what I think needs to be said.
Matt called yesterday afternoon! I don't want to get excited, but I'm glad he still calls. It was a short one because it started storming on him while he was driving to Alabama. But I couldn't get any of the words out because I'm confused. For all you guys that read this blog...I want to ask him all kinds of questions about what changed his mind about us, and why he said somethings and then just dropped his feelings. Is it worth asking questions like that? I don't want to get annoying to him, but I'm just so curious. I want to know what he was thinking. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know if that is something that you think is ok for me to do because I really just don't know. Thanks.
I am so good at giving advice and listening to problems and solving them. Who am I to give out all that advice and then not even be able to listen to myself? I am the last person to be talking about fixing a relationship when I can't even keep a guy interested in me for over a couple months. Seriously, I am great at telling people what I think they need to do, but for me to follow my own advice is just absurd. But maybe I'll be brave and say what I think needs to be said.
Matt called yesterday afternoon! I don't want to get excited, but I'm glad he still calls. It was a short one because it started storming on him while he was driving to Alabama. But I couldn't get any of the words out because I'm confused. For all you guys that read this blog...I want to ask him all kinds of questions about what changed his mind about us, and why he said somethings and then just dropped his feelings. Is it worth asking questions like that? I don't want to get annoying to him, but I'm just so curious. I want to know what he was thinking. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know if that is something that you think is ok for me to do because I really just don't know. Thanks.
Drained
My energy level is just starting to go way down. I am exhausted what seems like all the time. But then as soon as I go into my bedroom to go to sleep, I'm wide awake. My mind goes crazy as I lay in my bed. I do so much thinking that I can't fall asleep. Plus, I've just been so distracted these past couple days. I was sitting in a meeting yesterday for two hours, I don't think I said more than 4 words because my mind just wasn't there. The same for at the movies...I went to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith with some of my H.S. boys and the whole time my mind was wondering. This is ridiculous. And YES, it is because I'm still thinking of Matt and why he did the things he did. Is it normal to dwell on stuff like this for so long? Aauuuuuu.
Tonight I'm meeting up with Lauren though, I need that...spill my guts....then have her spill her's. It's a nice exchange.
My top 10 favorite movies in no particular order:
Top Gun
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Sound of Music
Love Actually
Napolean Dynamite
Dances With Wolves
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Pirates of the Caribean
Double Jeopardy
8 Mile
Tonight I'm meeting up with Lauren though, I need that...spill my guts....then have her spill her's. It's a nice exchange.
My top 10 favorite movies in no particular order:
Top Gun
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Sound of Music
Love Actually
Napolean Dynamite
Dances With Wolves
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Pirates of the Caribean
Double Jeopardy
8 Mile
You Got it Bad
When you feel it in your body
You found somebody who makes you change your ways
Like hanging with your crew
Said you act like you're ready
But you don't really know
And everything in your past - you wanna let it go
I've been there, done it, fucked around
After all that - this is what I found
Nobody wants to be alone
If you're touched by the words in this song
Then baby...
U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad
When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars
(You can have it all back)
Flowers, cards and candy
(I do it just cause I'm...)
Said I'm fortunate to have you girl
I want you to know
I really adore you
All my people who know what's going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her I'm your man, you're my girl
I'm gonna tell it to the whole wide world
Ladies say I'm your girl, you're my man
Promise to love you the best I can
See I've been there, done it, fucked around
After all that - this is what I found
Everyone of y'all are just like me
It's too bad that you can't see
That you got it bad...hey
U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad
breakdown
U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad
I've never really been a big fan of Usher, but I really do like this song.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Weekly Discoveries
I have had so many random thoughts just pop into my head this past week and I just needed to get them out.
1. One reason I love going to church is getting to see the older/retired couples sit together at church. I was watching this gray haired couple on Sunday and they were precious. The husband was always touching his wife. Either holding her hand, rubbing her neck, or just having his hand on her knee. That to me is just one of the greatest things to see. I'm sure they had been married for at least 40 years and they were still just so happy together. It gives me hope.
2. This past week at camp I got to be with a 6 mo. old baby everyday and I loved it so much. Makes me want to have babies...but like in 8 years.
3. The question I absolutely HATE more than "how long did it take you to learn to spell your last name?" is..."Becky, you're so pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend?"...Let me tell you, if I knew why, I would change it so that I would have one. OK. So please, try to refrain from using any of the above phrases around me. Thanks.
4. When Matt and I were calling each other, it always gave me something to look forward to. Now my days just seem 'Blah' because there's nothing for me to look forward to at the end of the day.
5. I'm getting tired of coming home to an empty apartment. I mean, I truly love living by myself, but I think on occassion it would be nice to come home to someone and share my day with. (I'm not talking about a roommate, if you get my drift). I really do get lonely and depressed at times with no one around.
6. How can someone say "Do you really think I could fake that I like you?" and then a couple weeks later say "I don't think I would date you". I know it's been a while, but it still bothers me. There had to be some kind of attraction there, and then, what, *poof*...I don't think your my type. That's just silly.
My Top TEN CD Pick's of all time that everyone should own (in no particular order):
Vanilla Ice - Too the Extreme
Beastie Boys - Licensed to Ill
Tupac - All Eye's On Me
Sheryl Crow - Tuesday Night Music Club
Good Charlotte - Good Charlotte
Dashboard Confessional - A Mark A Mission A Brand A Scar
Our Lady Peace - Live
Better Than Ezra - Closer
Alkaline Trio - Crimson (that's for you Matt)
Coolio - It Takes A Theif
"Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
ConfessIs someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?"
-Foo Fighters
1. One reason I love going to church is getting to see the older/retired couples sit together at church. I was watching this gray haired couple on Sunday and they were precious. The husband was always touching his wife. Either holding her hand, rubbing her neck, or just having his hand on her knee. That to me is just one of the greatest things to see. I'm sure they had been married for at least 40 years and they were still just so happy together. It gives me hope.
2. This past week at camp I got to be with a 6 mo. old baby everyday and I loved it so much. Makes me want to have babies...but like in 8 years.
3. The question I absolutely HATE more than "how long did it take you to learn to spell your last name?" is..."Becky, you're so pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend?"...Let me tell you, if I knew why, I would change it so that I would have one. OK. So please, try to refrain from using any of the above phrases around me. Thanks.
4. When Matt and I were calling each other, it always gave me something to look forward to. Now my days just seem 'Blah' because there's nothing for me to look forward to at the end of the day.
5. I'm getting tired of coming home to an empty apartment. I mean, I truly love living by myself, but I think on occassion it would be nice to come home to someone and share my day with. (I'm not talking about a roommate, if you get my drift). I really do get lonely and depressed at times with no one around.
6. How can someone say "Do you really think I could fake that I like you?" and then a couple weeks later say "I don't think I would date you". I know it's been a while, but it still bothers me. There had to be some kind of attraction there, and then, what, *poof*...I don't think your my type. That's just silly.
My Top TEN CD Pick's of all time that everyone should own (in no particular order):
Vanilla Ice - Too the Extreme
Beastie Boys - Licensed to Ill
Tupac - All Eye's On Me
Sheryl Crow - Tuesday Night Music Club
Good Charlotte - Good Charlotte
Dashboard Confessional - A Mark A Mission A Brand A Scar
Our Lady Peace - Live
Better Than Ezra - Closer
Alkaline Trio - Crimson (that's for you Matt)
Coolio - It Takes A Theif
"Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
ConfessIs someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?"
-Foo Fighters
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Got me Thinking
So now I'm totally thinking about the comment left on one of my blog's. The whole thing about being different and changing it a ridiculous excuse. There was something about the beginning of our "phone calls" that attracted the two of us. I'm still the same person I was when we first started talking. Guys are just silly when it comes to stuff like this.
I agree, I think any relationship can work if you just try. But its if you're not willing to work, than it's not worth it. Why drag it out for more than it needs to before saying something about...I don't have time or energy or the right attitude. It just sucks. I am so not good at saying how I feel about a person because it never works out for me, but with Matt I could. He made me tell him what I was thinking and how I felt...and then he just throws those feelings out the window.
I asked him before he got on the plane..."is this just going to be a one weekend thing of hanging out?" and he told me that he hoped it wasn't just a one weekend thing. Yes I believed him. That hurts...
People wonder why I've never really dated someone for more than a couple months...well it's because of people like Matt. They don't give me the time to stay with them. So, it's not my fault. But my plan for the future is to meet someone, fall in love and get married within a span of like 7 or eight months. I've never really liked to date...so that's going to be my way of getting around it. I just won't really date...I'll just get married like Dharma & Greg.
Help me out guys!!!
I agree, I think any relationship can work if you just try. But its if you're not willing to work, than it's not worth it. Why drag it out for more than it needs to before saying something about...I don't have time or energy or the right attitude. It just sucks. I am so not good at saying how I feel about a person because it never works out for me, but with Matt I could. He made me tell him what I was thinking and how I felt...and then he just throws those feelings out the window.
I asked him before he got on the plane..."is this just going to be a one weekend thing of hanging out?" and he told me that he hoped it wasn't just a one weekend thing. Yes I believed him. That hurts...
People wonder why I've never really dated someone for more than a couple months...well it's because of people like Matt. They don't give me the time to stay with them. So, it's not my fault. But my plan for the future is to meet someone, fall in love and get married within a span of like 7 or eight months. I've never really liked to date...so that's going to be my way of getting around it. I just won't really date...I'll just get married like Dharma & Greg.
Help me out guys!!!
I LOVE Camp
It's true, I LOVE CAMP. I just got back from a week at Lutheran Camp Chrysalis where I took 17 of my middle school youth. I grew up going to camp there and then I worked there in college for a couple years, so I just love coming back to it. Plus...I don't really have to work while I'm there, I just get to play with my kiddo's. Good times.
I am pretty close with the executive Director of the camp because he was my boss when I worked there and now we're colleagues which is great. It's one of those friendships where we don't get to see each other for a few months, but we just pick up where we left off and it's normal. I have the same relationship with the Program Director, she's great. She's only been at the camp for three years and we act like we've been friends for longer than that. Plus, she takes me out on her night off. I've been such a loser about going out recently, but I don't think I went to sleep before 1:30 the whole time I was there. Not to say that's crazy and wild, but it was fun to stay up and hang out with people. You would not believe how crazy some of those pastor's are. It was awesome.
I also got to be part of Poker night...I'm still learning how to play Texas Hold 'Em. The first time I played I had awesome beginners luck and won the whole pot. This past week when I played, I couldn't even win one hand. So, I lost some money but I survived. It was fun.
Got to watch the last three games of the NBA play-off's while I was at camp. They were all great, except game 6. Spurs were just really bad that night. Now I just want to call Matt and be like...Spurs Rule, Piston's Drule. But I won't. That's mean.
I still do think about Matt a lot, but Richard, I really liked your comment you posted about how any relationship can work, and that it was a BS excuse about being different...it's not like I changed while we were talking. That was a very wise comment. Thank you for that. It was really bothering me about how when he was down here he kept telling me that he "wasn't faking" his feelings and that he couldn't just pretend to like while he was down...and then he goes back to Detroit and tells me that he probably wouldn't date me even if I was closer. You're right...he had to have been planning this for a while, and just now got the nerve to say something.
There was a wedding shower in San Antonio last night for my friend Melissa who is getting married in Key West this summer. I hadn't seen her since last July, so it was so great to see her and actually meet her fiance. It's nice to catch up with old friends.
I am pretty close with the executive Director of the camp because he was my boss when I worked there and now we're colleagues which is great. It's one of those friendships where we don't get to see each other for a few months, but we just pick up where we left off and it's normal. I have the same relationship with the Program Director, she's great. She's only been at the camp for three years and we act like we've been friends for longer than that. Plus, she takes me out on her night off. I've been such a loser about going out recently, but I don't think I went to sleep before 1:30 the whole time I was there. Not to say that's crazy and wild, but it was fun to stay up and hang out with people. You would not believe how crazy some of those pastor's are. It was awesome.
I also got to be part of Poker night...I'm still learning how to play Texas Hold 'Em. The first time I played I had awesome beginners luck and won the whole pot. This past week when I played, I couldn't even win one hand. So, I lost some money but I survived. It was fun.
Got to watch the last three games of the NBA play-off's while I was at camp. They were all great, except game 6. Spurs were just really bad that night. Now I just want to call Matt and be like...Spurs Rule, Piston's Drule. But I won't. That's mean.
I still do think about Matt a lot, but Richard, I really liked your comment you posted about how any relationship can work, and that it was a BS excuse about being different...it's not like I changed while we were talking. That was a very wise comment. Thank you for that. It was really bothering me about how when he was down here he kept telling me that he "wasn't faking" his feelings and that he couldn't just pretend to like while he was down...and then he goes back to Detroit and tells me that he probably wouldn't date me even if I was closer. You're right...he had to have been planning this for a while, and just now got the nerve to say something.
There was a wedding shower in San Antonio last night for my friend Melissa who is getting married in Key West this summer. I hadn't seen her since last July, so it was so great to see her and actually meet her fiance. It's nice to catch up with old friends.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
And I don't want to talk about it
Well it happened. Matt called last night and it's official...I'm an idiot. I know long distance stuff is silly but me...I'm such a sucker, I would have moved to Detroit in a heartbeat. But seriously how can you really build a relationship with someone so far away? I wanted it to work. But I was just being selfish I guess.
Matt was very very sweet about everything though. He does work ridiculously long hours plus his band is very important to him. He really just doesn't have time for anyone extra in his life right now. At least I know... and I"m not sitting around wondering why he isn't calling me. He's not calling anyone because have anytime. That wouldn't be fair to me. Plus he thinks we're too different from each other, but that's what I liked. We were different and that made it exciting.
OK so my mind is going 90 miles and minutes right now and I can't think strait...I'm out of here for a week, I'll try to write more later. Peace out Yo's.
"I looked away, then i looked back at you.
You tried to say, things that you can't undo.
If i had my way, i'd never get over you.
Today's the day, i pray that we make it through.
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And i don't wanna fall to pieces,
i just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And i don't want a conversation,
i just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it,
cuz' i'm in love with you.
You're the only one,
i'd be with till the end.
When i come undone,
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
And i don't wanna fall to pieces,
i just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And i don't want a conversation,
i just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it,
cuz' i'm in love with you.
Wanna know who you are.
Wanna know where to start.
I wanna know what this means.
Wanna know how you feel.
Wanna know what is real.
I wanna know everything...everything."
-Avril Lavigne
Matt was very very sweet about everything though. He does work ridiculously long hours plus his band is very important to him. He really just doesn't have time for anyone extra in his life right now. At least I know... and I"m not sitting around wondering why he isn't calling me. He's not calling anyone because have anytime. That wouldn't be fair to me. Plus he thinks we're too different from each other, but that's what I liked. We were different and that made it exciting.
OK so my mind is going 90 miles and minutes right now and I can't think strait...I'm out of here for a week, I'll try to write more later. Peace out Yo's.
"I looked away, then i looked back at you.
You tried to say, things that you can't undo.
If i had my way, i'd never get over you.
Today's the day, i pray that we make it through.
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all
And i don't wanna fall to pieces,
i just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And i don't want a conversation,
i just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it,
cuz' i'm in love with you.
You're the only one,
i'd be with till the end.
When i come undone,
you bring me back again.
Back under the stars
Back into your arms
And i don't wanna fall to pieces,
i just wanna sit and stare at you.
I don't wanna talk about it
And i don't want a conversation,
i just wanna cry in front of you.
I don't wanna talk about it,
cuz' i'm in love with you.
Wanna know who you are.
Wanna know where to start.
I wanna know what this means.
Wanna know how you feel.
Wanna know what is real.
I wanna know everything...everything."
-Avril Lavigne
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Hangin' with my Homies
So I'm hanging out with Brittany, Maegan, and Ryan...some of my High School dawgs. We just finished moving stuff around in the attic of the church. It was hot and dusty and gross up there. We were awesome and it only took us like 30 minutes.
AND THEN.....just when everything was going as planned the cops showed up and asked for our immediate attention. We had to be lined up single file in a field to do a search for a weapon that was used on a victim. Basically some kid stabbed some guy and then threw the knife in the field in front if the church. It was a pretty neat experience to be able to help out with the cops during the search. I also got them to set up a time to come to church to show the police car to my youth during day camp, so I got some work out of it as well. I gave them my contact info so they can call me to set up a time...awesome.
Now I'm just chillin' with these awesome Juniors. Good people.
They can pick out movies like no other. These three cats rented us "Without a Paddle", but we never got to watch it because we couldn't figure out how to work the DVD. Anyways...they wanted me to write about them...so I did.
Please don't think I'm pathetic for writitng three post's today...but these kiddos wanted me to talk about how awesome they are.
"Give me your number, and I'll call."
AND THEN.....just when everything was going as planned the cops showed up and asked for our immediate attention. We had to be lined up single file in a field to do a search for a weapon that was used on a victim. Basically some kid stabbed some guy and then threw the knife in the field in front if the church. It was a pretty neat experience to be able to help out with the cops during the search. I also got them to set up a time to come to church to show the police car to my youth during day camp, so I got some work out of it as well. I gave them my contact info so they can call me to set up a time...awesome.
Now I'm just chillin' with these awesome Juniors. Good people.
They can pick out movies like no other. These three cats rented us "Without a Paddle", but we never got to watch it because we couldn't figure out how to work the DVD. Anyways...they wanted me to write about them...so I did.
Please don't think I'm pathetic for writitng three post's today...but these kiddos wanted me to talk about how awesome they are.
"Give me your number, and I'll call."
What do I think?
Saw this on one of my girls site's and I took it because I thought it would be fun!!
Thanks Brit.
L00ks:: what do I think about boys with...
brown eyes? Not my favorite
gray eyes? They'll do
blue eyes? Awesome
green eyes? They'll do
blondes? Not my first choice
brown hair? Good, I like dark
black hair? Better...I like dark hair
dyed hair? As long is it didn't like like "hey I'm trying to look pimp"
red hair? I'd have to think about it
glasses? cute
hairy chests? They can't help it, I don't mind
muscles? Not too much, that's intimidating and sometimes gross
shaved legs? preferably not
sideburns? Doesn't matter
moustaches? Gross
spiky hair? Depends
mohawks? again...depends
buzz cuts? preferably not
What do I think about...
goth guys? Not something I actually look for
prep guys? That's Cute
guys in a band? Definitely HOT
skaters?That's Hot
nerds? Precious
players? Umm...NO
cheaters? Big NO
guys who think theyr pimps? They shouldn't kid themselves
pervs? Gross
homo sexuals? No Comment
Do you like boys who....
smoke? Nope
study every night? What are they studying at this age?
are sensitive? Not too much but not too little
are romantic? Not too much but not too little
play soccer? Ooooh that brings back memories of TLU...some of the greatest guys I have known play/ed soccer
play football? I don't know any that do
are cheerleaders? Hee hee....not really
swim? sounds like they look good
are in a garage band? Any band is Hot
are lifeguards? Doesn't matter...but good to know he could save my life
can rap? Definitely...again...brings back fun memories
can breakdance? That would be awesome
What do u think about guys who wear...
their hats to the side? They try too hard, but still kind of cute
baggy pants? as long as they don't fit like Wranglers
pink? Oooooh, touchy subject
tight pants? Heck NO
huge tshirts? Not a big fan
dew rags? If they don't do it all the time
boxers? Whatever floats their boat
briefs? Again...it's their preference
eyeliner? What?...no
band shirts? Sure
vans shoes? That was so '90's
flipflops? As long as it's not with a 'striped' shirt
short shorts? hah Gross
earrings? Doesn't matter
Would you like it if a guy.....
called you "baby"? Depends on the context
called you "tutz"? I'll have to say No on that one
wrote love poems to you? I'm not much for poetry...but it sounds sweet.
cuddled with you? Heck Yes
called you on the phone for no reason? Heck Yes
IMed you? Sure
hugged you? OH YEA, I LOVE hugs
made out with you? Teee Heee
slapped your butt? As long as it was a 'love tap'
tried to go all the way with you? I like Brittany's answer: "i would kick him where it hurts."
winked at you? Oh yea...I like winks too....(I got a funny story for that one)
took off his shirt? Sure...but not just to be cocky and take it off for no reason
took off your shirt? .........
said he loved you? I'm not sure
bought you chocolates? Nah, that's overrated...unless it was like a candy bar
gave you a stuffed animal? I have enough of those
flirted with other girls? Only if it was for shits and giggles and not for serious
cheated on you? No Way...that's just wrong
dumped you? I'm too likeable...why would anyone dump me? Just kidding, that would suck
asked you out? Who are we talking about?
kissed your best friend? As long as I was there and it was just something friendly
walked in on you dressing? I wouldn't mind if it was an accident
called you every 5 minutes? Probably would get a little annoyed if it was that much
made a song for you? I would love him forever...I think that is one of the sweetest things someone could do for someone else...
Thanks Brit.
L00ks:: what do I think about boys with...
brown eyes? Not my favorite
gray eyes? They'll do
blue eyes? Awesome
green eyes? They'll do
blondes? Not my first choice
brown hair? Good, I like dark
black hair? Better...I like dark hair
dyed hair? As long is it didn't like like "hey I'm trying to look pimp"
red hair? I'd have to think about it
glasses? cute
hairy chests? They can't help it, I don't mind
muscles? Not too much, that's intimidating and sometimes gross
shaved legs? preferably not
sideburns? Doesn't matter
moustaches? Gross
spiky hair? Depends
mohawks? again...depends
buzz cuts? preferably not
What do I think about...
goth guys? Not something I actually look for
prep guys? That's Cute
guys in a band? Definitely HOT
skaters?That's Hot
nerds? Precious
players? Umm...NO
cheaters? Big NO
guys who think theyr pimps? They shouldn't kid themselves
pervs? Gross
homo sexuals? No Comment
Do you like boys who....
smoke? Nope
study every night? What are they studying at this age?
are sensitive? Not too much but not too little
are romantic? Not too much but not too little
play soccer? Ooooh that brings back memories of TLU...some of the greatest guys I have known play/ed soccer
play football? I don't know any that do
are cheerleaders? Hee hee....not really
swim? sounds like they look good
are in a garage band? Any band is Hot
are lifeguards? Doesn't matter...but good to know he could save my life
can rap? Definitely...again...brings back fun memories
can breakdance? That would be awesome
What do u think about guys who wear...
their hats to the side? They try too hard, but still kind of cute
baggy pants? as long as they don't fit like Wranglers
pink? Oooooh, touchy subject
tight pants? Heck NO
huge tshirts? Not a big fan
dew rags? If they don't do it all the time
boxers? Whatever floats their boat
briefs? Again...it's their preference
eyeliner? What?...no
band shirts? Sure
vans shoes? That was so '90's
flipflops? As long as it's not with a 'striped' shirt
short shorts? hah Gross
earrings? Doesn't matter
Would you like it if a guy.....
called you "baby"? Depends on the context
called you "tutz"? I'll have to say No on that one
wrote love poems to you? I'm not much for poetry...but it sounds sweet.
cuddled with you? Heck Yes
called you on the phone for no reason? Heck Yes
IMed you? Sure
hugged you? OH YEA, I LOVE hugs
made out with you? Teee Heee
slapped your butt? As long as it was a 'love tap'
tried to go all the way with you? I like Brittany's answer: "i would kick him where it hurts."
winked at you? Oh yea...I like winks too....(I got a funny story for that one)
took off his shirt? Sure...but not just to be cocky and take it off for no reason
took off your shirt? .........
said he loved you? I'm not sure
bought you chocolates? Nah, that's overrated...unless it was like a candy bar
gave you a stuffed animal? I have enough of those
flirted with other girls? Only if it was for shits and giggles and not for serious
cheated on you? No Way...that's just wrong
dumped you? I'm too likeable...why would anyone dump me? Just kidding, that would suck
asked you out? Who are we talking about?
kissed your best friend? As long as I was there and it was just something friendly
walked in on you dressing? I wouldn't mind if it was an accident
called you every 5 minutes? Probably would get a little annoyed if it was that much
made a song for you? I would love him forever...I think that is one of the sweetest things someone could do for someone else...
Cause all that's left has gone away
Well I hate to steal a topic from Lauren, but I am. I too HATE making phone calls. Seriously, I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack each time I have to dial a number. When I got into work this morning there was a note to call to ladies from my church. I know both of them and talk to them regularly, but it is just SO HARD for me to dial the numbers. I have to pick up the receiver and concentrate and focus on what I have to do. It's ridiculous. I don't understand why it's so hard. I don't really like getting phone calls either...I get super nervous. I'm not like that with my friends and family though...I like talking to them. Oh well...just one more thing I need to work on.
I talked to my Mom the other day, we had lots to catch up on. My rat is living with them for the summer and she is just having a great time (my rat and my mom). My mom was telling me that Peanut was just crawling all over her and then running around. She gets free range of their house while she's there, as long as the dogs are outside. Hopefully she won't get stepped on because she's pretty small. I didn't realize how much I would miss her...Now I really go home to an empty apartment.
I also got to have coffee with Lauren last night. I hadn't seen her in about 3 weeks. That's along time to not see her. But we had an awesome time. We just sat outside and talked about life, the future, our problems, our excitement. It's just nice to have someone to do that with every now and then.
I still haven't heard from Matt. I understand that he's super busy, but I totally miss his voice. Summer I know is going to be hard because I leave on Sunday again for a week of summer camp with some Middle School kids and he's out of the office again for a while. But I would just settle for a two minute phone call if it meant I got to hear him. But really, I'm not as stressed about it. It's a busy time for both of us and I just need to realize that catching each other is going to be more of a hassle. But that's how life works. Right? Right!
"Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose"
-Jet
I talked to my Mom the other day, we had lots to catch up on. My rat is living with them for the summer and she is just having a great time (my rat and my mom). My mom was telling me that Peanut was just crawling all over her and then running around. She gets free range of their house while she's there, as long as the dogs are outside. Hopefully she won't get stepped on because she's pretty small. I didn't realize how much I would miss her...Now I really go home to an empty apartment.
I also got to have coffee with Lauren last night. I hadn't seen her in about 3 weeks. That's along time to not see her. But we had an awesome time. We just sat outside and talked about life, the future, our problems, our excitement. It's just nice to have someone to do that with every now and then.
I still haven't heard from Matt. I understand that he's super busy, but I totally miss his voice. Summer I know is going to be hard because I leave on Sunday again for a week of summer camp with some Middle School kids and he's out of the office again for a while. But I would just settle for a two minute phone call if it meant I got to hear him. But really, I'm not as stressed about it. It's a busy time for both of us and I just need to realize that catching each other is going to be more of a hassle. But that's how life works. Right? Right!
"Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose"
-Jet
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
What am I so afraid of?
It's Wednesday. Wednesday. Matt hasn't calle me since Friday. That is such a long time to not hear from him. We went from talking daily to just well...whenever we have time. I liked how it used to be when we made time in our days to talk to each other. But ever since we got to hang out, we don't talk like we used to. As a girl I worry about stuff like that. I hate to be that person that is clingy and annoying, but it's kind of freakin' me out.
I called him so many times while I was in Missouri, and each time there was no answer and I had to leave a message. That gets kind of old and then the questions start to flow: why isn't he answering? does he not want to talk to me? is he trying to fade me out?. . .
I hate being that person. It always drove me crazy to see these needy girls being ridiculous over a guy. But I'm getting to the point where I need to know what is going on in his head. I really like him and I think about him a lot, but I don't want to be thinking about him so much if he's not doing the same. You know what I mean. What is the point and hopeing something is going to come about if he's trying to slowing stop making contact with me. But then again, I think I'm being ridiculous. I mean, he has a job, he's in a band he has friends...he has legitamate reasons to be unavailable. I don't need to talk to him every day, I just want to know that he is thinking of me. When I go this long without talking to him, I get scared. He's a good looking guy (plus being in a band) I'm sure he has to beat girls off with a stick daily. I just think of all the other guys that have been hurtfull to me and I get scared that he's going to think that "hey I'm in another state so Becky doesn't have to know what I'm doing right now".
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. Now I'm really driving myself crazy. I don't want to think like that. I need some comfort and encouragement. Matt, so far, has been the only guy that I have actually been comfortable with and I like the way he made/makes me feel. I just really don't want to lose that. I hate that I'm so confused, because it's not that we are in a mutual relationship...actually I don't know what you would call us...if you would call us anything. I just hope it goes somewhere awesome.
I'm so excited that I get to see Lauren tonight. I haven't seen her since before Matt came into town and so I'm desperate to have a conversation with someone and discuss and analyze our lives from the past couple weeks. Love you girl.
"Hey, I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.
I think I love you.
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way."
-Partridge Family
I called him so many times while I was in Missouri, and each time there was no answer and I had to leave a message. That gets kind of old and then the questions start to flow: why isn't he answering? does he not want to talk to me? is he trying to fade me out?. . .
I hate being that person. It always drove me crazy to see these needy girls being ridiculous over a guy. But I'm getting to the point where I need to know what is going on in his head. I really like him and I think about him a lot, but I don't want to be thinking about him so much if he's not doing the same. You know what I mean. What is the point and hopeing something is going to come about if he's trying to slowing stop making contact with me. But then again, I think I'm being ridiculous. I mean, he has a job, he's in a band he has friends...he has legitamate reasons to be unavailable. I don't need to talk to him every day, I just want to know that he is thinking of me. When I go this long without talking to him, I get scared. He's a good looking guy (plus being in a band) I'm sure he has to beat girls off with a stick daily. I just think of all the other guys that have been hurtfull to me and I get scared that he's going to think that "hey I'm in another state so Becky doesn't have to know what I'm doing right now".
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. Now I'm really driving myself crazy. I don't want to think like that. I need some comfort and encouragement. Matt, so far, has been the only guy that I have actually been comfortable with and I like the way he made/makes me feel. I just really don't want to lose that. I hate that I'm so confused, because it's not that we are in a mutual relationship...actually I don't know what you would call us...if you would call us anything. I just hope it goes somewhere awesome.
I'm so excited that I get to see Lauren tonight. I haven't seen her since before Matt came into town and so I'm desperate to have a conversation with someone and discuss and analyze our lives from the past couple weeks. Love you girl.
"Hey, I think I love you.
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for.
I think I love you.
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
That I've never felt this way."
-Partridge Family
MISSOURI
Our trip to Missouri was amazing. It was just awesome to see this group of High School students interact. There was no separation of grades or cliques...I was just excited to be with them for a long weekend.
We had devotions every night and it was great to be with them and have them listen to me and know that they are getting something out of what I'm telling them. I haven't heard so many people tell me "yes, ma'am". I am finally getting threw to them that I'm the adult and that they need to respect me. That is awesome for me.
We spent all day Friday at Silver Dollar City which is an amusement park in Branson. There were roller coasters, water rides, shows and fun. No complaints, except for maybe getting a little hot. Then we went back to the resort and swam and played volleyball. There was always something to do. Saturday we went to a show. My group saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I'm not much for musicals, but I had such a great time. We met a mother that was sitting in front of us during the show, she has 6 children and apparently going threw a rough time in her life so we all stood in a circle in the middle of the show place and said a prayer together. It was very moving.
Sunday was by far my favorite day. We rented some party boats for a few hours and went out onto Table Rock lake. We had to rent two because there were so many of us. We ended up driving out into a little cove, tied our two pontoon boats together and had a short worship service. It was awesome. Then we started driving out to a cliff where the youth could swim and jump off of. Well they started singing camp songs and having a blast just riding the boat. It was so neat to see them so care-free. They didn't care that there were other boats driving past us, they still sang those church camp songs as loud as they could. Both boys and girls were singing, it was awesome.
Well, we got to the cliffs and all the youth were jumping off of it. So I was all big shot and said "sure, I'll do it". Well you have to climb up the side of the cliff, which was really hard being bare-foot and in a bathing suit. Anyways...I get up there, HOLY COW I was so scared. That one thing I noticed about getting older, used to that wouldn't have scared me. But I was shaking. It was only like 30 feet, but when you're standing up there, looking down at the water, it's really high. I had to get one of the freshman boys to hold my hand as I jumped. I screamed. But I was glad I did it.
There is so much more to say, but my mind is such a blur right now. But I'm super glad that I got to get out of Texas for a while...I love to travel. Road Trips are just one of my favorite things to do. But now that I've just gotten back and off my huge high...I'm hitting me low. I need to learn how to manage my highs and lows.
We had devotions every night and it was great to be with them and have them listen to me and know that they are getting something out of what I'm telling them. I haven't heard so many people tell me "yes, ma'am". I am finally getting threw to them that I'm the adult and that they need to respect me. That is awesome for me.
We spent all day Friday at Silver Dollar City which is an amusement park in Branson. There were roller coasters, water rides, shows and fun. No complaints, except for maybe getting a little hot. Then we went back to the resort and swam and played volleyball. There was always something to do. Saturday we went to a show. My group saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I'm not much for musicals, but I had such a great time. We met a mother that was sitting in front of us during the show, she has 6 children and apparently going threw a rough time in her life so we all stood in a circle in the middle of the show place and said a prayer together. It was very moving.
Sunday was by far my favorite day. We rented some party boats for a few hours and went out onto Table Rock lake. We had to rent two because there were so many of us. We ended up driving out into a little cove, tied our two pontoon boats together and had a short worship service. It was awesome. Then we started driving out to a cliff where the youth could swim and jump off of. Well they started singing camp songs and having a blast just riding the boat. It was so neat to see them so care-free. They didn't care that there were other boats driving past us, they still sang those church camp songs as loud as they could. Both boys and girls were singing, it was awesome.
Well, we got to the cliffs and all the youth were jumping off of it. So I was all big shot and said "sure, I'll do it". Well you have to climb up the side of the cliff, which was really hard being bare-foot and in a bathing suit. Anyways...I get up there, HOLY COW I was so scared. That one thing I noticed about getting older, used to that wouldn't have scared me. But I was shaking. It was only like 30 feet, but when you're standing up there, looking down at the water, it's really high. I had to get one of the freshman boys to hold my hand as I jumped. I screamed. But I was glad I did it.
There is so much more to say, but my mind is such a blur right now. But I'm super glad that I got to get out of Texas for a while...I love to travel. Road Trips are just one of my favorite things to do. But now that I've just gotten back and off my huge high...I'm hitting me low. I need to learn how to manage my highs and lows.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
I'm a Turtle....ROAR!!
I got an email from my friend Melissa telling me that I need to figure out who I am before I try and figure out myself with another person or as a career person. This is what I figured out (I'll be talking in 3rd person because it's easier for me to talk about "someone" else than for me to talk about myself)
Becky is a very emotional person and has been ever since I can remember. Crying is just something that she does for no reason. She has a lot of feelings that she has trouble expressing and therefore just lets them build up.
She is a listener. She loves to know about people and learn how they work. She's not much for talking about herself...she thinks its rude when people try and focus to much attention on themselves. Becky would rather be unbearably uncomfortable that see someone she knows feel any type of discomfort. She is just now learning to take a compliment. She loves to give them, but when someone says something nice about her it seems unnecessary.
Her self-esteem fluctuates...at times she is unstoppable, but at other times she needs that extra push to help her into the right direction. Sometimes she just doesn't know what the right direction is.
It's easy for her to give awesome advice to her friends, but for her to actually take her own advice would be the end of the world. Telling people how she feels or what she's thinking is tough and then when she does express her thoughts...she expects to do hear it from others.
She loves living by herself, but at the same time craves any type of attention or human contact. Hugs are very important to her...not the polite hugs, but the ones where it hurts because you're holding too tight. She can tell a lot about a person by the way they hug.
I'll pause the list right here...I don't want to get to overdone. Maybe I'll try and learn something about myself daily and share it, if I feel like it.
Turns out, I'm a VERY violent dreamer. I can't explain it, but all my dreams are just terrifying. Maybe I just have all this built up frustrations or something. I always seem to be a either a very harsh person in my dreams or be around people that are trying to kill me or someone else. I remember a dream I had a couple weeks ago where this woman just confused me with someone else and the next thing I know, I'm on top of her on the ground smashing her head against the floor. I HATE violence...why would I be like that when I'm sleeping? And I'm one of those people that know I'm dreaming and try to wake myself up when I know something bad is going to happen. It's weird at times. Then I wake up and just upset because I can't believe all the thoughts I was having...I'm not even going to say what last nights was about. It's terrible.
I didn't get to talk to Matt again yesterday. I know I shouldn't blame things on him because I'm just as guilty for not calling. I just always feel as if I'm interrupting something. I shouldn't think that way. But I miss him so much. It's probably good that we don't talk every day, that way it will be more exciting whenever we do speak, but I just get lonely for him sometime...
I watched "Love Actually" last night. I think that is an incredible movie. I love how it begins and ends with people at the arrival gate of some airport and how everyone is so happy to see the person they are there to meet. If you have never seen that movie, I highly recommend it. It just shows the different ways people fall in and out of love. It's just has some sweet stories in it.
"Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me"
-Dido
Becky is a very emotional person and has been ever since I can remember. Crying is just something that she does for no reason. She has a lot of feelings that she has trouble expressing and therefore just lets them build up.
She is a listener. She loves to know about people and learn how they work. She's not much for talking about herself...she thinks its rude when people try and focus to much attention on themselves. Becky would rather be unbearably uncomfortable that see someone she knows feel any type of discomfort. She is just now learning to take a compliment. She loves to give them, but when someone says something nice about her it seems unnecessary.
Her self-esteem fluctuates...at times she is unstoppable, but at other times she needs that extra push to help her into the right direction. Sometimes she just doesn't know what the right direction is.
It's easy for her to give awesome advice to her friends, but for her to actually take her own advice would be the end of the world. Telling people how she feels or what she's thinking is tough and then when she does express her thoughts...she expects to do hear it from others.
She loves living by herself, but at the same time craves any type of attention or human contact. Hugs are very important to her...not the polite hugs, but the ones where it hurts because you're holding too tight. She can tell a lot about a person by the way they hug.
I'll pause the list right here...I don't want to get to overdone. Maybe I'll try and learn something about myself daily and share it, if I feel like it.
Turns out, I'm a VERY violent dreamer. I can't explain it, but all my dreams are just terrifying. Maybe I just have all this built up frustrations or something. I always seem to be a either a very harsh person in my dreams or be around people that are trying to kill me or someone else. I remember a dream I had a couple weeks ago where this woman just confused me with someone else and the next thing I know, I'm on top of her on the ground smashing her head against the floor. I HATE violence...why would I be like that when I'm sleeping? And I'm one of those people that know I'm dreaming and try to wake myself up when I know something bad is going to happen. It's weird at times. Then I wake up and just upset because I can't believe all the thoughts I was having...I'm not even going to say what last nights was about. It's terrible.
I didn't get to talk to Matt again yesterday. I know I shouldn't blame things on him because I'm just as guilty for not calling. I just always feel as if I'm interrupting something. I shouldn't think that way. But I miss him so much. It's probably good that we don't talk every day, that way it will be more exciting whenever we do speak, but I just get lonely for him sometime...
I watched "Love Actually" last night. I think that is an incredible movie. I love how it begins and ends with people at the arrival gate of some airport and how everyone is so happy to see the person they are there to meet. If you have never seen that movie, I highly recommend it. It just shows the different ways people fall in and out of love. It's just has some sweet stories in it.
"Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me"
-Dido
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Home on the Range
One of my favorite things to do is just sit outside on the porch. I don't get to do that much anymore because my apartment doesn't really have one. But luckily there are people in the congregation that open their house up to me. Last night I went out to the Davenports for an early dinner. I love going out there. They have this huge wooden deck and there is ALWAYS a breeze no matter how hot or cold it is outside. It was just nice to be outside in the fresh air. Plus the food was awesome. We had chips and guacamole...(YUM!), shishkabobs, beer, brownies and ice-cream. It was nice, like sitting with my family.
I'm such a family girl. That's all we basically did when I went home this past weekend. Just sat on the backporch on the swing. My family is pretty good about that. I have one brother that just doesn't do that as much...but we had 5 out of the 6 of us outside so that's a good percentage.
So I just saw that the Piston's won last night which means they'll be playing San Antonio for the title. I'm Nervous. I'm going to be hearing it from Matt if we lose...but you know what...I'm not worried. I'm sure San Antonio will be able to hold their own. Hopefully.
"Our love is like water
Pinned down and abused
For being strange
Our love is no other
Than me alone
For me all day
Our love is like water
Pinned down and abused
All over you, all over me
The sun, the fields, the sky
I’ve often tried to hold the sea
The sun, the fields, the tide
Pay me now, lay me down"
-Live
I'm such a family girl. That's all we basically did when I went home this past weekend. Just sat on the backporch on the swing. My family is pretty good about that. I have one brother that just doesn't do that as much...but we had 5 out of the 6 of us outside so that's a good percentage.
So I just saw that the Piston's won last night which means they'll be playing San Antonio for the title. I'm Nervous. I'm going to be hearing it from Matt if we lose...but you know what...I'm not worried. I'm sure San Antonio will be able to hold their own. Hopefully.
"Our love is like water
Pinned down and abused
For being strange
Our love is no other
Than me alone
For me all day
Our love is like water
Pinned down and abused
All over you, all over me
The sun, the fields, the sky
I’ve often tried to hold the sea
The sun, the fields, the tide
Pay me now, lay me down"
-Live
Monday, June 06, 2005
Back To Reality
I am a very emotional person and I just can't help it. I was on this HIGH all weekend with being around friends and family and having such an excellent time. Now I'm back to being by myself and letting my mind run wild. I think I'm a little emotionally drained at the moment. I was around all of this positive energy and now it's feels like it was all just ripped from me.
I've been having some real bad breathing problems this weekend as well, so that sucks. But I think it's just me stressing about everything. I have so much on my mind.
I didn't get to talk to Matt at all on Saturday and that really threw me off. I didn't think it would, but it definitely did. I got to take my mind of off missing him for a little while when I was with friends. I definitely thought about him every day I was with them, but being around people that love me helps me not to think about how much I miss him. I sure hope I'm not setting myself up to get hurt. I try and stay away from stuff that will get to me. Last night was really bad, I just sat around and thought about him. As soon as my alarm goes off in the morning his face pops into my head. Either I really like him...or I'm acting like a crazy school girl. I really need to be told that my feelings aren't worthless. You know. I don't want to be thinking about him this much if he isn't doing the same. I don't know....I'm confused right now. I really just want him to tell me that things will work out and that we'll see each other again and that I have nothing to worry about. But he always seems to call so late and we end up having short conversations. I need a good long one to tide me over.
I leave for Missouri on Thursday with m my High School group. Hopefully I won't be distracted on that trip and think about him too much. But my chest sure hurts today because I think about him so much.
"Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now yeah
Show me how,
decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you"
-Soul II Soul
I've been having some real bad breathing problems this weekend as well, so that sucks. But I think it's just me stressing about everything. I have so much on my mind.
I didn't get to talk to Matt at all on Saturday and that really threw me off. I didn't think it would, but it definitely did. I got to take my mind of off missing him for a little while when I was with friends. I definitely thought about him every day I was with them, but being around people that love me helps me not to think about how much I miss him. I sure hope I'm not setting myself up to get hurt. I try and stay away from stuff that will get to me. Last night was really bad, I just sat around and thought about him. As soon as my alarm goes off in the morning his face pops into my head. Either I really like him...or I'm acting like a crazy school girl. I really need to be told that my feelings aren't worthless. You know. I don't want to be thinking about him this much if he isn't doing the same. I don't know....I'm confused right now. I really just want him to tell me that things will work out and that we'll see each other again and that I have nothing to worry about. But he always seems to call so late and we end up having short conversations. I need a good long one to tide me over.
I leave for Missouri on Thursday with m my High School group. Hopefully I won't be distracted on that trip and think about him too much. But my chest sure hurts today because I think about him so much.
"Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now yeah
Show me how,
decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you"
-Soul II Soul
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Another One Bites the Dust
Well this weekend is just going wonderfully! I couldn't have asked for a smoother ride for this wedding. The bride is some what of a perfectionist, but she was very good about the whole ordeal. Everything was great. The rehearsal dinner, the whole day of the wedding and the actual wedding just could not have gone better. I was so impressed. It was like a reunion. I was so happy to see so many familiar faces. Just to be around people that I love was amazing. I forgot how great it was to be with friends just hanging out.
I'll got into more detail later, I just wanted to say a quick "hey".
I'm getting a little bummed that I haven't had a decent conversation with Matt. We kept missing each other yesterday and it makes me sad when I don't talk to him. I hoe I don't feel ridiculous for saying this, but I totally miss him. So Much. It drives me crazy sometimes. I really liked having him down here and that just makes me miss him so much more.
I'm at home for the night. I won't be able to see my family again until about August, so I wanted to hang out with them while I had some free time. Plus tomorrow is my dad's birthday, so I'm glad I'll get to be here for that.
It's been a long couple of days. Today we had a barbeque all afternoon and I am beat. I'm gonna head off to sleep in a little while...maybe look at the pictures that I took at the wedding. They turned out great. Peace Out Yo.
I'll got into more detail later, I just wanted to say a quick "hey".
I'm getting a little bummed that I haven't had a decent conversation with Matt. We kept missing each other yesterday and it makes me sad when I don't talk to him. I hoe I don't feel ridiculous for saying this, but I totally miss him. So Much. It drives me crazy sometimes. I really liked having him down here and that just makes me miss him so much more.
I'm at home for the night. I won't be able to see my family again until about August, so I wanted to hang out with them while I had some free time. Plus tomorrow is my dad's birthday, so I'm glad I'll get to be here for that.
It's been a long couple of days. Today we had a barbeque all afternoon and I am beat. I'm gonna head off to sleep in a little while...maybe look at the pictures that I took at the wedding. They turned out great. Peace Out Yo.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Do the Chicken's Have Large Talons?
I'm a dork. Seriously, the smallest things amuse me. Last night I called my brother Cory (he's like the only one in the family that actually has cable tv) and I asked him if he would check on a basketball score for me. It's the NBA play-offs and I wanted to see how a certain team was doing. Well I asked him to tell me what the score was and he says...No, I'm busy watching 'Alias'. What a loser...'Alias'? Who watches that? Well we was watching with some girl from his work, and so he told me to just get on the internet on my phone and check the score. I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD DO THAT. It was awesome. You can do all kinds of things on phone's these things. It blew me away. I just never knew I could do that kind of stuff on my phone. I'm mean, I've downloaded a couple ringers, but even that was hard for me. I'm just not very good with technology.
I get to stay with my brother for a couple nights this week and I'm kind of excited. I talk to him every now and then, but I haven't actually gotten to see him since...I guess since Easter. That can't be right. That sounds like such a long time ago. But that's how life is, just don't see the family like I used to. Except for the random "hey, we're driving through Georgetown right now, can we stop by". But seriously, how often does that happen? I almost see my cousin Bryan more than I do my brother's and he lives by Houston. Bryan is about 6 years older than me so growing up we never really did much together. But all of a sudden the past couple years he's been really good about calling every now and then and hanging out whenever he comes into Austin for some State Trooper Classes. He's about every other week now. It's kind of nice to have people check up on me.
I also called my mom last night because she's pretty good and saying things that make me feel better and help me put things into perspective. I like knowing how smart my Mom really is. Growing up I knew she was a smart lady, but now that I'm growing up...I see it even more. My parents are just awesome people. It's always nice to hear that they trust me and know that I make good decisions. Also...since I don't ever ask them for help (money wise) they're going to give me money!! Awesome! I am in a couple weddings this summer and going to a couple more...that adds up. I'm just spending hundreds of dollars like it's no big deal. It's not like I don't have the money, but sometimes it just gets hard with all the stupid bills I have to pay all by myself. So my mom said she'll get me a couple gift certificates to certain places so that I can buy myself stuff and not use my own money. YES! Hopefully I can find some time this summer to use them. Yea right, no worries!!
"The reasons her life did not turn out...
More like a movie
She's trying to forget it all
I don't believe in anything
But I believe in you
I never trusted anyone
But somehow I trust you
And if I fall away, someday you might find me
If I fall away, someday..."
-Midtown
I get to stay with my brother for a couple nights this week and I'm kind of excited. I talk to him every now and then, but I haven't actually gotten to see him since...I guess since Easter. That can't be right. That sounds like such a long time ago. But that's how life is, just don't see the family like I used to. Except for the random "hey, we're driving through Georgetown right now, can we stop by". But seriously, how often does that happen? I almost see my cousin Bryan more than I do my brother's and he lives by Houston. Bryan is about 6 years older than me so growing up we never really did much together. But all of a sudden the past couple years he's been really good about calling every now and then and hanging out whenever he comes into Austin for some State Trooper Classes. He's about every other week now. It's kind of nice to have people check up on me.
I also called my mom last night because she's pretty good and saying things that make me feel better and help me put things into perspective. I like knowing how smart my Mom really is. Growing up I knew she was a smart lady, but now that I'm growing up...I see it even more. My parents are just awesome people. It's always nice to hear that they trust me and know that I make good decisions. Also...since I don't ever ask them for help (money wise) they're going to give me money!! Awesome! I am in a couple weddings this summer and going to a couple more...that adds up. I'm just spending hundreds of dollars like it's no big deal. It's not like I don't have the money, but sometimes it just gets hard with all the stupid bills I have to pay all by myself. So my mom said she'll get me a couple gift certificates to certain places so that I can buy myself stuff and not use my own money. YES! Hopefully I can find some time this summer to use them. Yea right, no worries!!
"The reasons her life did not turn out...
More like a movie
She's trying to forget it all
I don't believe in anything
But I believe in you
I never trusted anyone
But somehow I trust you
And if I fall away, someday you might find me
If I fall away, someday..."
-Midtown
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