I practiced all the things I'd say

So this weekend was pretty dreary, so I have been watching movies like they're going out of style. Friday I was at Blockbuster and was cinvinced that if I pay a fee I could come in and get two movies per day for free. I definitely took advantage of that. So first I rented "I (heart) huckabee's" and "The Notebook"...which I balled during. Then Saturday I went to the movies with a wonderful woman and saw "Million Dollar Baby", which was excellent. I then returned to my apartment to watch "Vanity Fair" and "Without a Paddle". Two different extremes, but they were great.

The high point of my weekend came when I got a certain phone call. Now, to inform you all, this was not an ordanary phone call, it was from a person that I am in wishful thinking that God has planned for me to be with. Or in other words...I'm totally crushed on him. It really was just a business call because I had asked him to do a concert for some high school youth. Well, I felt like a moron on the phone. I was stuttering, sluring my words and sometimes couldn't even talk because I had a huge lump in my throat. How pathetic is that? I'm obviously not very good when it comes to the opposite sex. Well, we discussed the event for about 15 minutes and then went back to our own business. I don't think my heart slowed down for about two hours after I hung up. I can't believe what an unbelievably hard thing that was for me to do, to talk on the phone to this person. Is there anyway to fix that, because seriously, I would like to know. How to not be such a goof when I talk to someone that I'm attracted to. Goodness.
I don't think it helps that his mother and I are pretty close. I'm assuming that is a sort of turn off. She was the one I went to the movies with. Would that really make a guy turn away? I don't know. He lives two hours away, so it's not like he around to see that I am pretty close with his family. I can't help it because they go to the church that I work at and like me. Oh well.

"I practiced all the things I'd say, to tell you how I feel. And when I finally get my chance, it all seems so surreal." -GC

The Roof is on Fire

My apartment complex is doing fire sprinkler inspections today in every room. That means someone is entering my apartment, which also mean I had to bring my rat to work with me today. That is always fun. She's sitting on my shoulder right now as I type. She is so awesome. I'm not supposed to have a pet, even if it is in a cage, and I didn't want to get caught, so she's with me today!

Last night I got a great phone call from my grandmother. We call her Nane, because she doesn't want to be called Grandma. Anyways...we were talking about my summer trip to told me. "Becky, you know all there is down there are gay people right? You don't need to worry about the men, but be carefull around the women because they WILL hit on you." That lady is very vocal when she is thinking something. It's funny, but yes, a little rude. But that's how that little old lady is. She really is a wonderful person, but what grandmother isn't.

Dinner with my friend went really well last night. Nothing to worry about. He even tried to fix me up with someone that works at the University he goes to. Maybe that was just his way of stepping around other subjects. It doesn't matter because it was nice to get out of the house for a while. When we were eating, my neighbor was eating a few tables down. Now I'm a little nervous about him giving me the third degree about being out with a guy. My neighbor is this great guy that always looks out for me. Not in a creepy way...like a dad or an uncle. Whatever. Live is Good.

I woke up in a car

I didn't really wake up in a car, but that song by Something Corporate is playing and those words are just in my head.
I just got back from a great lunch with one of my senior high youth. She is such a wonderful person. I like to spend quality time like that with my youth....but usually they're in school and I just sit here at my desk whatever.

Tonight I have dinner plans with this guy...let's call him "T". 'T' was a camper when I worked at camp and now he is a sophomore at the University in town. So we've hung out before and what not. I get nervous sometimes though, because last time I hung out with him he said something to the point of him liking me. I mean he definitely is older than what I remember, but still he is a few years younger than me. I just hate putting myself and others in awkward situations. Or maybe it's just me thinking that things are weird. I hate that. Whatever...it's just dinner.

Everytime I think of well just about anything, it gets back to relationships somehow. And I was thinking about the phrase relationships are for people waiting for something better come along. How are we to now what the "better" is? If we always think there is something better, is there always going to be something better? Personally I don't want that going on in my head all the time. Then I would never settle down because I'm always going to think that there is something greater than what is in front of my face. But then if I don't think like that am I just "settling". Thinking that this is as good as it gets. OR what if what I think is the "better" really isn't? What if I want something that I think is the best but really is totally wrong for me. Then how will I know what is right and what is wrong? Maybe I just think to much and over analyze every situation that I come into contact with. I think I just might need therapy or some one to just tell me to shut up and not worry so much. If I LIVED instead of worried I probably wouldn't even be thinking about this, huh? OK, I'll shut up.

faineant \fay-nay-AWN\, adjective: Doing nothing or given to doing nothing; idle; lazy.
noun: A do-nothing; an idle fellow; a sluggard.

Family Time

Well the weekend came and went and it was wonderful. My parents and my younger brother came up Saturday morning to spend the weekend with me. We ate out and walked around antique shops, went to a movie, played games and went to church together. It was so nice to be part of my own family again. The church members have been wonderful about accepting me into their family, but it was awesome to just be with mine. Don't know how much you miss them until you see them and watch them leave.
After all my stressing out about wanting to get home for this parade/party for my friend who was injured in Falujah...I didn't go. It made me feel like crap, but I just wouldn't have made it in time. I feel sad about it because I really wanted to be there to honor him and what not, but I just live too far away now. Plus I would have felt like I was rushing my time with my parents and that would have made me feel bad too. I don't think I would have stressed out this much over anyone else, but this guy was the first guy that I ever kissed and so he has a special piece of me. Again, it's probably only me that is thinking like that, but still he is an important person to me and I would have liked to have been there for him, but life goes on.

While my parents were here we went to see the movie, "Hitch". It was great. I am such a fan of quotes and one-liners that one from the movie really stuck with me: "Relationships are for people waiting for something better to happen." What a great way to look at that. I have never really been one to be in a long relationship...nothing ever felt right to me. That line just made me think that when that "something better" comes along, I'll know it and be ready. So it's not so bad to not be in a relationship. Sometimes it's lonely, but maybe that's just for the best.

Weird Happenings

I had the weirdest thing happen to me yesterday afternoon. As I was sitting in my office, the secretary brought a man into my office. He walked in off of the streets, he was covered from his wrists to his chest to his ankles with tattoos. So I was thinking awesome...someone to talk to. Well really, he just wanted to "tell his story". OK, sure, I can listen. So he sits by me for a little over an hour about how the Holy Spirit is using him to predict and prophecie (?) the future. He was talking about how numbers to him mean certain things and that leads him to certain Bible verses. OK, sure, that could maybe happen. Well it gets better. He starts talking about how the Holy Grale/Land is somewhere here in the North Austin area and God is trying to tell him what to do about it. OK after that, I didn't know what to think. So I just let him tell his story. I must say there is so much more to say about that, but I wouldn't know where to start and it would take too much typing to continue. All in all is was an amazing experience that I never thought would happen. He didn't want money or counciling or anything...just someone to listen to him. So I did.

On a much different note....I just purchased a plane ticket and made reservations to go to KEY WEST this summer!!! I am super pumped about this and don't think I'm going to sleep tonight. This makes it all real now that I have the ticket and a room. YEAH!!
So the last few hours of my life have just been unreal. But it's an awesome life.

Until next time....

fiduciary \fih-DOO-shee-air-ee\: Relating to the holding of something in trust for another.

Does it ever end

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I just want to scream and pull my hair out my head. I usually complain about how I never have anything to do on the weekends. Now...my calendar is getting full and I was excited to find a weekend that was available so that my family could come up and see. Fine, everything looks good. They'll come up Saturday morning and leave sometime Sunday. I had a ribbon cutting that I needed to be at at 3:00 Sunday afternoon, so that still gave a good portion of the day to spend with them. Well I just found out that there is a parade/program/party to honor a friend of mine that was shot a few times in Fallujah. Well...I want to be at both. But I would much rather honor my friend more than watch someone cut a ribbon with oversized scissors. I know which one is more important to me and my boss already said: "whatever decision you make, is the RIGHT decision." I'm just getting a little overloaded and feel like my chest is going to explode with everything that is going on. I don't know how to deal with all the pressure of needing to be at more than one place at a time. If only there were 50 hours in a day.

Going Through Changes...

There are many changes going on here at work. We lost our secretary in October and our replacement just had her last day yesterday. So it's been rough. We just can't seem to find the right person to represent our church. The last two wanted everything to be about them, but that's not how it should be when you are working for a church. Therefore, there will be more struggles to go through as we get through this time of not having anyone run the office. But on a good note...we have amazing volunteers that are doing their best to help out. They are so much fun to be around. They deserve great blessings because they are such a blessing to us here.

To let you in on how exciting my life can get....yesterday after I went grocery shopping I rearranged some of the cabinets in my kitchen. I'm such a loser, but I was so impressed with myself. Things fit better and I have a better system of where things are. Please don't laugh at me.

Tomorrow I make a trip down to San Marcos to have a youth ministry meeting. The Austin and San Antonio are meeting together. I'm a little excited. Then I get to go to Texas Lutheran University and see one of my youth and then some friends that are still there from when I was still going to school there. It should be a good day. Plus I get to go with a great friend, so that's just going to make it that much better.

Three more days until my Family arrives!!!

polymath \POL-ee-math\:A person of great or varied learning; one acquainted with various subjects of study.
"[We're] going through Changes..." -Ozzy Osborne

Just Another Day

Well Valentine's turned out pretty nice. I got this massive bouquet of flowers sent to my office. This was very unexpected. They turned out to be from my Dad, so that was really sweet of him. Then I spent the rest of the day in Council meeting. Apparently there is just no way for those meetings to be under two hours. So from 6:30 to 8:45 I was just sitting there drawing in my notebook. Not that I had plans for the evening...but every other person in that room is married and should have been home with their spouse. Whatever.
I went home and spent the rest of the evening with my peanut. She can be pretty fun when she wants to be. I took her to the neighbors because some of them wanted to see her. She is so friendly and fun to be around. I love her so much.
Well, last time I forgot to mention that my younger brother may come with my parents to visit me this weekend. He is trying to switch his hours at work so that he can make the journey up here with them. Hopefully that will work out. He's a pretty cool guy, as cool as younger brothers can get. Just kidding. Love ya Bro.

diffident \DIF-uh-dunt; -dent\: Lacking self-confidence; distrustful of one's own powers; timid; bashful.

"Just another day in my life I don't wanna run out of time I don't wanna wake up some day and all my life is wasted away. Theres no much that I wanna be so everybody listen to me. Theres so many things on my mind. Just another day in my life, Another day in my life." -Riddlin Kids

My Peanut 

How do I live....

I did it again to myself this weekend. I drove over two hours to see this certain person play in a band Friday night. It's like I'm just teasing myself for letting me see him. I see him, talk to him and then leave. Never once giving away my cheesy true feelings. Then I leave and think to myself how much it hurts to not see him. I know it's just a silly school-girl crush, but oh my goodness sometimes it just kills me. When I'm not around him I can tell myself that I'm at a good time in my life and don't need any distractions, but then there he is and I can't think of anything else. I need help.
But on another note, my parents are coming to visit me this coming weekend. I am so stoked about that. I haven't seen them since Christmas. We'll most likely just sit around and do nothing, but I don't care because I am just so excited to see them again.

My learning a new word everyday kind of went down the toilet already as well. I don't really have an exciting life, but this weekend was a big distraction and so I haven't learned a word since Thursday. I guess I'll have to get back on that horse.

And yes, this is Valentine's day. I have a great day planned of sitting in my office all alone because the pre-school does not have classes today. And then this evening I'll be joining my fellow council members for our monthly meeting. I can't wait for this wonderful day of love to be over with. Although I did get on Valentine's from a girl in my high school youth group, so that kind of made my day!!

I want you to want me,
I need you to need me,
I'd love you to love me,
I'm beginning you to beg me.

New Beginnings

So yesterday was Ash Wednesday which is the beginning of the Lenten Season. Time to reflect on my life....right. I had a couple of people ask me what I was going to give up for Lent. I had to think about it. Usually people give up food. I can't do that, only because I'm a VERY picky eater and if I give something up I probably wouldn't eat for the whole 40 days of Lent. Therefore, I have decided to "take something on" instead of "give something up". I am thinking of either learning a new word every day and try to use it at least once that day, or just try and be more positive. I think I always have a good attitude, it's just when I'm sitting in my lonely apartment all by myself that I start to get negative thought. I mainly get negative thoughts because all of my close friends are now engaged. In 2004 I went to 6 of my friends wedding and I already have 5 on the list for 2005 and 1 for 2006. Yes I'm going to say it..."Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." Which really I'm OK with. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I'm probably not even ready for a good relationship. I think I just want to know that there is someone out there that is perfect for me. I keep thinking I'm going to be that girl that is ALWAYS single. I'm happy right now, but eventually I am going to want to get married. I think I just need to quick dwelling on it. But it's hard not to think about it when everyone around me is planning their wedding. That's OK because I'm planning an awesome trip to Key West this summer which is going to be better than all those weddings.

asseverate \uh-SEV-uh-rayt\: To affirm or declare positively or earnestly.

"Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it." -Anon

What's The Difference...

My office is located in the same hallway as the church's Learning Center. So there are children from 18 months to 4 years old that pass by my door each day. The two year old class room is right across the hall from my door so sometimes I listen to them talk as they do crafts...or whatever they do. Yesterday I heard the teacher say to one of the students: "Remember, it's glue, Not lipgloss. Remember what happened last time and your face got all sticky." Oh my goodness, what's not to like about 2 year olds. That one phrase just made my day, I wrote it down on my desk calendar so that I wouldn't forget it.
Sometimes I don't like that my life has come down to relying on 2 year olds to make me smile. I remember in school I would smile for most of the day. Now it's just...what's the point. I sit in an office by myself for 8 hours everyday, then I go home and sit by myself again for the rest of the day and then I get up and do it all over again the next day. This past weekend as I was waking up on Saturday morning I though to myself, why get up? I don't have plans, I don't have friends waiting to hang out, I don't have a boyfriend that's waiting for me to call, I don't have to go to work, so why get out of bed? Then I just moved myself to the couch and sat there for about 10 hours playing with my pet rat and watching DVD's. I would love to know how to make a life out of what I have. In a town that has nothing for the 20-30 year old crowd, and being out of college in a different city than what I'm used to, how am I supposed to meet people and do stuff?
I guess I shouldn't complain, I do like where my life is right now, I just wish sometimes I wouldn't feel like such a recluse. Oh well.

What's the difference of never knowing at all?When every step I take is always too small.Maybe it's just something I can't admit but lately,I feel like I don't give a shit. -Sum 41

Changes

I am lost in a see-thru

I think you lost yourself too,

Throughout all of this confusion,

I hope I somehow get to you.

I practiced all the things I'd say,

To tell you how I feel.

And when I finally get my chance,

It all seem so surreal.

'Cause from the first time I saw you,

I only thougth about you,

I didn't know you,

I wanted to hold onto,

The things you never say to me.

'Cause you said,

You can't change the way you feel,

But you can't tell me this ain't real,

'Cuase this is real.

And you would see right through that

In the end it's all I've got,

So I'm gonna hold onto that.

Now you've got me watching your eyes,

Got me waiting just to see,

If it goes the way it never will,

You're eyes are watching me.

And now you've got me thinking' bout

The first time that I met you,

Standing in crowded room,

But I could only see you.

And I hope my words will get through,

'Cause now I can't forget you,

I want to tell you

If only I could reach you

And make you feel this way,

But you said...

~GC

Red Lights

Did you know that if you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. SIX MONTHS....that's half a year. I sit at about 8 red lights daily, that is at least 8 minutes every day that I am just sitting there...40 minutes a week. I thought that sounded bizarre. But then again...I sit at my desk for 8 hours every day...40 hours a week. That's a whole lot of time just sitting, and I still have never been over 110 pounds. I guess I'm just lucky. But seriously...sitting. That's like 5/8 of my life. I always tell myself that I need to excercise. There's a park right across the street from my apartment and I've only been there twice in the 11 months that I've lived here. I'm such a weinee about doing stuff like that by myself, but what am I supposed to do when all I think about is someone taking me while I'm walking by myself. I'm a small girl, there is no way I can defend myself if a stranger came up to me. Why do I have such a fear instilled in me? I used to get yelled at in college by friends and family about walking places by myself. I don't really have a point to this, but I just wish I wasn't so negative about things like this. I'm not scared to walk around the mall or other places of that nature by myself. And I'm more likely to have something happen to me at a public place than I am in a city park. Whatever.

Conforming

Yes, it has come down to me blogging. I have read some of my friends blogs and then I started to think to myself: "why don't I have a blog?" So I did it...I broke down and got a blog. Please don't judge me.
I don't live an amazing life so on my usually busy Monday, I decided what better to do than to write a little message for my first time. My message is:
Try your hardest to be a Banana in a field of Strawberries.
Until I get some clever thoughts in my head that will just have to do. Peace Out.