That Girl

I used to be that girl that would dye her hair every chance she got. It started my freshman year of high school. I had beautiful dark brown hair like my mother's, but for some reason I just thought I had to put in blonde highlights like EVERYONE else I knew. I did it, and I liked it, it was something different for me and I had fun with it.

Then after that I wanted something different, so I dyed it completely blonde. Then I watched the movie "The Fifth Element" and the character leeloo played by Mila Jovovich really caught my eye. I wanted hair like that. So I dyed my hair auburn, well that wasn't bright enough for me. So when I went off to summer camp I dyed my hair Brilliant Copper #68 (Luscious Mango). I wanted it to be very orange...well it was. It wasn't like Leeloo's, but it was still orange. Then that faded away and I'm sure I put more highlights in it, then I dyed it all brown trying to get back to my natural color. Then right before I moved to Georgetown I put Red and Blond Streaks throughout my hair...yes, it looked AWESOME!!! Then last year...February 2005 to be exact, I dyed my hair for the last time. I went and actually got it done at a salon. I did a dark brown so that when it grew out it wouldn't be very noticable.
Even still when I go home my extended family askes about my new dye job because in the sunlight my hair has redish tints to it. and when I went to get it cut last month my lady made a comment about how it's growing out funny. It's actually growing out lighter than what I dyed it and I really noticed it this morning. The ends of my hair are pretty blonde when I'm blow drying my hair. How does that happen??? The part of my hair that should actually be dark...is so blonde. And then when I was driving across country with Lauren and I looked at my reflection a couple times...my hair was very red. It's really weird how that works out sometimes....

Just something I felt like share with you all...

Don't Know What to Title This

I am the worst sleeper in the world. It's ridiculous. I've gotten to the point where I just can't sleep through the night unless I take something that just knocks me out. I hate having to be dependant on something just to get to sleep, but you know what... my body needs sleep.
I woke up a good 37 times last night and I have no idea why. Am I not comfortable? Did something startle me? Why can't I just sleep????!!

At least I didn't wake up tired this morning, but sometimes I just wake up and don't want to get out of bed because I'm so tired. I don't think I've slept a whole night through in months. My Grandmother suggested I take a melotonin pill before going to sleep. It's just a natural sleep enhancer, nothing bad for you. But it almost made my sleep worse. I had a hard enough time falling asleep and when I did...I couldn't stay asleep.

If someone has had this problem and has found a solution PLEASE let me know, I'll take whatever I can get. Thanks!

What Irks me

I'm a little irritated that the phone companies can tell you how many minutes you can talk on the phone.
We shouldn't be limited to much time we can spend on the phone before 7:00p.m. (Or maybe I just have the wrong phone provider.) I do use my phone pretty regularly before 7:00 and sometimes I get charged for doing so. For a whole month I only have roughly 6.6666 hours of talk time on Monday thru Friday before 7. Now to me...that is ridiculous. Unless I'm talking to someone with the same phone provider. If my phone calls were short and sweet, that's fine, but they're not always. Or I'm not paying attention to what time it is when I answer the phone and just continue to talk for a while and then have to pay for it.

I really think we should be able to talk for as long as we want whenever we want. Land lines don't give you a limit of how much you can talk on the phone, they just give you your fixed rate and tell you to have at it. My new month just came into effect yesterday and I already have used 130 minutes and that means I only have 270 minutes left for the rest of the month...that's just not fair. I shouldn't have to apy because I want to talk to my friends...Disgusted is what I am.

I'm sorry it just pisses me off sometime...people giving me a limit of how often I can use my phone....and during the holiday season...

I Want to Scream But Make No Sound

I am very easily frustrated. So much to the point where it almost makes me sick. I'm having to deal with deadlines again, and for some reason or another, I have parents who just don't think that the deadlines apply to them. For instance, I had a deadline of this past Sunday for this big event I'm planning at the end of December. Yesterday I had everything sealed and stamped in an envelope ready to go when a mother called and said, I'm sending you my son's registrations forms....
Of course I'm such a push-over that I said OK, and opened up the my envelope so that I could change everything to fit him and another boy in. Now I Have to get a whole new check written, which at my job is a painfully long and stressful process and so for me to ask for one at the last minute almost makes me want to cry. And you know what...I still haven't gotten those new registration forms in yet. So here I am freakin' out and wanting to scream and cry at the same time, but I can't....

Had another great conversation with my cousin last night. He was scared to call because apparently he had come into Austin to hang out with some of his buddies from high school and he didn't call me to come out and didn't know how I would react to that. It really isn't a big deal or anything, kind of sweet if you think about it.
We always give each other inside scoops about the opposite sex, he gives me some little hints and I do the same for him. He and I are both pretty chicken when it comes to approaching the opposite sex and we use each other to pump ourselves up. He had wanted to talk to this girl in his class for a while and he finally got up enough guts and then asked for her email address. Her email address!! I was confused, why not ask for a telephone number. Reason: a girl is more willing to give out her e-mail address to someone she doesn't know instead of her phone number. Good point I thought. It's true, I would much rather get an email from someone I barely knew than an awkward phone call. And then he said if you really liked the guy who is asking for you email address to just go ahead and write your number on there as well...and ladies...always write your name on the piece of paper.

It's not that guys forget your name, it's because they are just as nervous and are already thinking of there next line to say while your saying your name, that they just get nervous. Cute, I thought. What an interesting little tid-bit to know.
I always get nervous about "making moves" on guys too, like after you first meet someone, I always feel like it's the guys responsibility to move things along, but sometimes they're just as nervous too. Like I met this fun guy a couple weekends ago and nothing really came of it, so I asked my cousin what I should do and he was just like: Guys are usually just as self conscious as girls are and to just go ahead and email him and if nothing happens...then nothing happens, but at least you tried. True...it doesn't make you feel any better when nothing happens though. Oh well...that's just life.

I also told him about the date I went on this weekend that was super fun. And he said I handled it pretty well...I guess not alot can happen when he's hours away. Now, I'm not saying that long distance relationships can't work, but you both have to put the effort into it, and right now I'm not so sure I have that kind of attitude to put forth. But maybe we'll see how Christmas vacation goes and if I see him again then...

To my cousin...to all my cousins, not just the one's I talk to on a regular basis...I love you all!

I LOVE COMING HOME!!!

I love going home...or, I love visiting home. It is always just a great and wonderful time. I love the "Becky" that I am when I'm home and in a comfortable environment. It's not that I'm Not comfortable here...I guess I'm just more so there and it really shows. I'm a very fun person. I'm the person I was before I graduated from college and had to get a job. Not that I don't love my job, but there are somethings, like getting up in the morning, that just make it hard to be "fun".

At home, I'm a very hyper and fun to be around person. I'm always smiling and in a good mood, I'm very funny. I had a friend from high school come up to me and told me how much she likes to see me because I'm always so full of joy. Obviously she only see's me when I'm back home. But what an amazing compliment.

People don't judge me when I'm down either, or maybe I just don't notice it as much. When I meet new people up here and tell them what I do, I always get weird reactions, but back home, people know me for who I am and what I used to be like. It's just so great!! Let's see what else made this weekend great...

Besides having my favorite holiday every (THANKSGIVING), I got to see all my family, Yay! I got to go out on a date, I got to go to the zoo!!, and got to hang out with really awesome people.

I thought the "date" might catch your attention. It was really fun. I ran into a guy that I knew in high school and he asked to take me to dinner on Saturday night. Well, I'm not going to pass up a chance like that. The one time I get asked out and I have to get picked up at my parents house, which meant my parents just HAD to meet him. Which was alright, they're good people. Poor guy had to walk all the way up to the door and introduce himself to both my mom and my dad. But it was good. We ate out at the Outback. Delicious. We had some kangroo chops and koala-kabobs...just kidding. But it was such a great time. This guy is very outgoing so there weren't any awkward silences, which was great. I have a very hard time keeping conversation going, but it was easy this time. So that was that, we had dinner and he took me home. He went to hang out with his friend and I went out to hang out with my friends. He's in college station and I'm in Georgetown, so I guess that was it. It was fun, and I'm sure we'll hang out again...but is it really all worth it?

And the ZOO!! I love the zoo, I haven't been there since high school. It was great. They're doing construction so there were some animals missing, but I got to see the Giraffe and that's what I really wanted to see. And check it out. They have these new mini-zebra's in one exhibit...they let me hold it, It was awesome!!

Hee Hee...that was funny, right!!

So all in all, my weekend was great! Loved it. But now it's back to the punching the clock!

Christmas List

I was talking with my Mom last night and we got on the topic of what to get me for Christmas. I had originally asked for a digital camera, but I wanted it before Christmas. So yesterday I went out and bought myself one. It's a pretty snazzy one too! So I need your help to get some ideas of what I should tell my parents to get me for Christmas. Any suggestions will be helpful! Thanks!!

You Are Not the Father

I love the Maury Povich show. But I like the one's where he's making someone's dream come true or doing a make-over on a much needed human being. Whenever I see that it's going to be a Paternity Test Episode I usually just turn the TV off or change the channel. Well, today I didn't. Nothing else was on and I was just waisting time until I left for San Antonio.

There are some women on there that have tested over 15 men and still have no clue as to who the Father of their child is. How disgusting. It's one thing to cheat on a partner and have a little mix-up...but to have slept with over a dozen people at around the same time that you can't figure out who fathered the baby...there's got to be something wrong with you. I can't even fathom that. I don't see it to be that difficult to be faithful to one person...much less to be unfaithful so many times with so many people.

Now these kids are growing up not knowing who there father is. Hello Ladies...there's an easy solution to all of this. STOP SLEEPING AROUND. It really isn't that difficult. Have a little self control to that you can be more respected to others.

Another man was on there and told his wife that he had cheated on her with over 50 people...and that's just in a couple years time. What is wrong with these people?!! How rotten of a person do you have to be. I just don't understand all that. I just had to vent because it drives me crazy to think that all of this is going on and they wonder why they have all these illegitimate children and diseases and can't have a good relationship. Grow up and Get some Morals.

I Love You Like A Chicken

Just be prepared that this post is going to be a long one because there are so many things to say!!
First, I'll explain my title for the Post.

I went on a weekend retreat for Middle Schooler's this weekend. It was really great. I was surrounded by 190 middle schooler's, that's got to be good!! The Synod brought in a woman named Celia Whitler to do all of the worships for us. On the first night she was talking about her sons. One of them is 4 years old and each night he would say something to his mom like "I love you 100" or "I love you 1,000" or "I love you like candy" and one night he said "Mom, I love you like a chicken". So that was our task for every day was to tell as many people that we love them like a chicken. It was great. What an easy way for Middle schooler's and even the older sponsors to tell other people that they love them and care for them. So if I come up to you and tell you that "I love you like a chicken"...that's where that came from.

The weekends theme was stories of faith, and one of our activities was to think of a family memory or tradition that has stuck in your mind. It's one of those things where it's always hard to think of something on the spot. But for some reason, a memory or my grandmother's house popped into my head out of the blue. She passed away in 2000 and it took me this long to just sit and think and remember. It's a simple memory, but it almost made me cry:
Growing up, every Sunday after church we would go to my Grandma's house one weekend and then to Nani and Pop's (they didn't want to be called grandma and grandpa) on the other weekend. Every time we would go to Grandma's house in Falls City she would either cook us Polish Sausage with Fried Potatoes or Chicken and Dumplings. I'm sure there were other dishes that she made but those are just the two that always stuck in my mind. And every time I would walk in her house I would go up and give her a hug and go straight to the stove to take the lids of the pots to see what was cooking. I know it's a simple thing, but she always expected it to. I was always the one that checked what was cooking for lunch. I guess you could call it a tradition...it was just something that I did. And now that I think of it, it's a sweet memory that I will always have. It was obviously a part of my life.

Needless to say I learned a lot about myself this weekend. There are other stories that I learned about my life that has made me in the person that I am today and that has pruned me into the woman of faith that I am today as well. I always get so much more out of the weekends that are intended for the youth than I do out of the weekends that are for the adults. Oh well.

It was also my first gathering without Lauren. :( Sad, I know. But that just meant I got to spend more time with my sponsors that I brought. Which was great, because they were super fun people that I'm really glad came along for the weekend activities.

Another story from the weekend. I drove our 15 passenger Van, that has dulley wheels in the back. It's AWESOME! Well to fit that many people into one vehicle, there has to be many rows. There's the front bucket seats and then 4 rows of youth in the back. Well one of the girls in the third row back got a little car sick. No, let me rephrase that...got a lot car sick. Good thing we had some plastic trash bags in the vehicle. Yes, she did make everything into the bag, but poor thing had to do her business surrounded by lots of other youth. Then there's me in the front seat who has the worst gag reflexes EVER. I thought I might get a little "car sick" myself. I had a hard time listening to the regurgitation in the back seat, driving 12 other people, and smelling the sweet aroma of the waste...I Gagged.... A LOT! But we made it back safely and without any more incidents.

When we got back into town I had just enough time to go home and take a quick shower before coming back to work to meet with my high school youth.

Monday was going to be my day off. It was for the most part. I had to get up early to go to the Orthopedist for my 6 week check up. He claims everything should be fine with me as long as I keep doing my excersices (which I'm not gonna lie, I don't do them as regularly as I should be). The shooting pains in my arms and legs to me are signs of a pinched nerve in my spine...but Mr. Dr....seems to think I'll be fine. So we'll see!

Other exciting things from Yesterday.

My parents had their 30th Anniversary. THIRTY YEARS!!! That's very awesome.

My friend Keith, his mom and my mom have been friends since the 8th grade, so we basically grew up together. He's like my 4th brother. Well he called yesterday afternoon...his wife delivered there son!! Yay!! Noah was born at 2:30, he was 8 pounds and I'm sure some ounces and 21 inches.
Congratulations to the new family!!
I'll be in that area this weekend so hopefully I'll get to pop in and see the new family!!

I had my usual phone call from my cousin last night. It was a long one. With council meeting getting out late and the unually long talk with Bryan, I missed watching Hero's and Studio 60 which makes me a little upset because I really like those shows. But family comes first. Anyways:
Of course there was girl problems, which I hope my cousin just grow some and realized that he's an idiot and shouldn't be dating girls that are 9 years younger than him. At least not right now.
He also shared with me that he is an Atheist. Or in his words, he's at least 97% sure he's an atheist. The other 3% is skeptical. So of course we got into a discussion about that. I noticed that I don't know how to handle stuff like that. It made me more sad than it did make me mad. He was a Marine and had been through lots of stuff and now he's a state trooper and I just figured that so much as happened in his life to support the fact that there is a God that he wouldn't have any reason to doubt. I guess I was wrong. He keeps our Grandma's Rosary in his bullet proof vest. He said that was part of his 3%, so I'm hoping that his 3% grows into something a little more. I just had no idea how to handle situations like that.

I feel that I should have all this knowledge to poor out to him because I work in a church, but I almost didn't have anything to say. I did say something, but I was so speechless that it was almost embarrassing. I told him I would pray for him and he said he would appreciate that. I'm hoping he's just going threw a confusing time right now. I know lots of guys go through a time when they don't go to church and just wait until they're married...the same ol' excuse I hear from many people. I asked him what he's going to do if he marries a christian and he said "I'll fake it". How do you fake something like that? To me if you're faking it, there's got to be a little Jesus in your hear that you know of, know what I mean.
So if any of you have any advice for me on how to handle this let me know. Advice to where it doesn't sound like I'm preaching to him...I don't want to turn him away...

Everybody Loves 'Becky'

I was watching an episode of Everybody Loves Ramond last night. IT was about Ray's Father, Frank, being "Man of the Year". Ray's job was to put a video together of Frank's friends saying what they liked about him. Well...nobody had anything nice to say about him, so Ray improvised and made a different kind of video. Needless to say, Frank was a little disappointed.

Later that night, Frank got up enough courage to ask Marie, his wife, what she would have said if she would have been interviewed for the video, of course she said something very sweet and thoughtful about her husband. Just what Frank needed to hear. So in return Marie asked Frank what he would have said about her if the tables were turned. His response-he got up and said it was time for bed. Marie was furious! She looked right at him and said "That's why nobody likes you! You take and take and take and give nothing back in return. You just expect everyone to like you because you're Frank."

I've realized that I've somewhat turned into Frank. I just expect people to always like me and do things for me. I didn't used to be like that. I was always the giver and I guess sometimes you just get tired of giving and not receiving. When do the givers get something back?

I used to be very giving and ready to jump up and do anything for my friends. Not that I still don't do that...but it's a little different. I'm not as apt to be the first to open up and say what my friends mean to me...I don't know what's different, but it is. So to all my friends-thank you for putting up with me and my changed attitude. I would do anything for any of my friends and I hope they all realize that.

7 Minute Ride

I go home for lunch every day pretty much, except for the days that the Secretary and I do something together...
Well my drive back was one of the most exciting I've had in a while.

First off, the weather is just perfect for riding with the windows down, which I LOVE to do!! So that right there just makes driving more enjoyable.

I drive past one of the many parks here in Georgetown to get to work and guess what...There's a CIRCUS TENT set up!! Yes, I know...Very exciting. Of course I'm sure it'll only be exciting on the weekends and yes, I'm booked for the next 4 weekends, so I won't get to see it. Which although makes me sad, I assume I'll survive. It is just neat to see a huge tent in the park.

The radio was playing great songs, which is good because I took all my CD's into my apartment because I was working on my mp3 player this weekend and I haven't yet put CD's back into the vehicle.

As I'm driving through town the radio show I was listening to made an announcement. Neil Patrick Harris, you may know him as Dr. Doogie Howser, is Gay. And apparently very proud of it. Which surprises me because his tv show "How I Met Your Mother", he's very NOT gay... So that was a very surprising moment.

Then, as I'm sitting at my last stop light before my arrival, I notice a SUV which was either a yukon/suburban/tahoe that had been converted into a hearse. Something I had NEVER seen before in my life.

What a way to end my drive.
I was just so excited about all the happenings on my short drive that I just had to share it!

Where's the Line?

Yesterday was another busy Sunday here at work. We had our annual Spaghetti lunch that the Senior High Youth put on. It was a huge success and everything ran very smoothly. It just makes for a busy/tiring day. Which is fine. I did a little mingling while everyone was eating to thank everyone for their support. I stopped at a table with a two year old boy. Now this little one is adorable. He always gives me hugs and runs with me, we have a great time. Well, I was going to leave the table and so I said "bye bye" and he said "bye bye" and gave me a hug and then he wanted to give me a kiss. Obviously his parents and sisters kiss him on the lips like most families do, and so he's learned that that is where you kiss people. My question is, is that OK for me to do? That may sound weird because he's a baby...but as a youth worker, is there a line? I'm not sure. I just kind of laughed and turned my head and said bye again...I just didn't know how to handle that. Is it OK if I kiss other peoples babies on the lips??? I don't know.

I'm also getting really stressed about the whole respect factor here at work. I've been here for 2 years and 8 months and my high school kids still look at me like another high schooler. It really gets to me sometimes. There are times when I ask them to do something or be quiet while I'm talking and apparently to them they hear "yes, have a conversation with your friends that is unrelated to what I'm saying." I absolutely HATE to yell, but I've found myself raising my voice pretty frequently lately, and that makes me sad. I don't like having to do that. I don't like that 'Becky.' All I'm asking for is a little respect, and it's only for a couple hours a week. I don't think that's too much to hope for. Is it?

I finally bought my plane ticket to South Carolina and so my trip to see my favorite girl is official!! I'm so excited to finally get to see Lauren. It will be about 6 months since I last saw her from when I do get to see her and I'm stoked!! Yes, I said stoked!! Saturday night I spent the evening getting my mp3 player loaded with new CD's, so that my plane ride will be more enjoyable. I'm just getting so excited!!

OK...back to work.

Wonderful Days

I just had one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Three days that were just wonderful and full of little things to make me smile!! Here's a recap:

FRIDAY:
This day starts off with lunch with my aunt. She takes me to lunch every now and then and always brings me presents. She doesn't have any children and so she enjoys spoiling her neices and nephews, and now that I'm one that lives close to Austin, she has taken it upon herself to focus much of her spending on me. Now sometimes it's awesome stuff...and sometimes it's stuff for a 12 year old, but it's the thought that counts. OK, so that was fun. The day continues with a stop at the new Outlet mall in Round Rock. It was a beautiful day to be walking around outside. I was there for a reason, I need a black sweater to wear over my new dress for a wedding on November 19. OK, so I didn't find anything, so I went shopping in Georgetown at Wolf Ranch. Great place. I go to TJ Maxx. I love that place. As I'm about to go in, I see a woman about 12 feet away that's about to come into the store, so I stand at the door and hold it open for her. She looks at me and says "thank you" and so I say "you're very welcome" and then she looks at me and says "You're a very nice person!" and I say "thank you". I love little acts of kindness like that. I thought I was just being polite and she thought it was wonderful, so that was a little smile for me to keep for the rest of the day!


I bought some wine glasses while I was there. I have been wanting a nice set of wine glasses for a while so I just went ahead and got some. I took them home and washed them, TWO sad things happened. I broke one in the sink while I was washing it, which almost made me cry (because I only had 3 ugly wine glasses to start off with and I was so excited about having a set of 4), and then...they're too tall to fit in my cabinets :( That was a bummer. They're still sitting out on my counter because I don't know where to store them...


OK, now were at Friday night. Kyle's roommate Eric's birthday was Friday and so there was a group of them that went camping. I went out for a while that night. I'm not about to sleep on the ground, so the plan was to stay until about midnight...OK, that didn't happen. I was really having a great time. Sitting around the fire, talking with people and watching boys act like men. It's super funny. OK, so they're not really boys....maybe I should have said, Men acting like boys. They get funny when they're out in the wilderness. When midnight came around the guys wanted to take a trek to the river. I thought that was a good time to leave, they walk away and I sneak off to my VUE. Well, sometimes you just can't get passed a guy that is 6'6" and built like a brick wall. I was slung over the shoulders and carried into the woods, far enough to wear I would be scared to walk back to my vehicle by myself. So yes, I did make the trip to the river. Which I was glad I did because it was fun. Cold, but fun. I got to see a side of these guys that I don't rarely get to see...so I'm glad I stayed later than I planned. That usually happens, and I'm usually glad that I stay. OK...



SATURDAY:
I sleep till 11:30, so that right there is a good way to start a Saturday. I ran a couple errands in town and then decided that I wanted to see a movie. I drive to Tinseltown to see the 3:30 showing of The Prestige. I bought my coke from the counter and as I was saying "thank you" the guy behind the counter, he was maybe mid 30's, looks at me and says "you have such a beautiful smile". I blushed, said "thank you" and walked away. Again, another little act of kindness that made me smile. It's the little things. I watch the movie. It was excellent, I highly recommend it.


As I was walking back to my car I noticed that I missed a call from an old friend. Apparently he was working a lock-in at a church in Pflugerville where I just so happened to be. How ironic. So I drive out to where he is and we get to hang out for just a little bit. I hadn't seen him since February, so it was nice to see a familiar face again. For the past 4 years or so I've been in his cell phone as Boo. So that always makes me smile. What a great kid!


So that was a great Saturday. Plus, we all got an extra hour of sleep that night!

SUNDAY:
Confirmation Sunday. I could have ripped my hair out getting everything prepared for this Sunday. But everything ran so smoothly. I hate that I stress and overthink everything. It was a great service. I wore a dress! I haven't worn a dress that wasn't a bridesmaids dress in a very long time. Yes, I wear skirts every now and then, but a dress is different. So I got pleny of compliments that day, which of course made me smile. I got to go to a great after party with a delicious lunch and then it was back to church for some work.


I took a group of middle schoolers to a hockey game. I was excited, it was my first one. Sporting events are so much more fun live. I had a great time. Plus, afterwards, we all got to ice-skate with the Hockey players. Now that's a neat thing. Of course, I'm such a chicken that I didn't talk to any of them, but it was still a neat thing to do.

So that was my wonderful weekend. I didn't have a bad day and everything was just falling into place. I love weekends like that!!

Beckalicious

As I was driving home from Confirmation class last night I heard the new Fergie song on the radio called "Fergalicious" and I thought it would be funny to put my name in the place of Fergies name for some of the lyrics...It's good stuff. It's just bits and pieces, but here is what it would look like with my name and some lyrics cut out of the song!

BECKALICIOUS
Beckalicious definition make them boys go loco
I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Boys just come and go like seasons

Beckalicious (Beckalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that s**t is fictitious
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got

I'm the B to the E, C the K the Y
And can't no other lady put it down like me

That was fun, wasn't it?!! Just a little break in the day to put a smile on your face!!


Also, yesterday at lunch I went and bought the Mat Kearney CD, Nothing Left to Lose. It's a good one. But of course, I only buy good CD's. I'm waiting for next year for the Sick Puppies CD to come out because that one is going to be out of this world AMAZING! I recommend both of them!

Go Ahead, Tell me You'll Leave Again

Lying in my bed trying to fall asleep is when I come up with all these exciting things to write about in my blog the next day. And as soon as I sit down in front of the computer to let it all come out...I'm just blank. That drives me crazy. It even keeps me up at night because I have all these great ideas, and I try to come up with interesting way to write about them...I need to start keeping a notepad by my bed.

One thing that has really been bothering me, and I know it shouldn't but I can't help it...is the age difference between people in relationships. I know eventually it doesn't matter, my parents are 5 years apart, my best friend is 9 years younger than her husband, but I guess I see those as being acceptable because I know these men...they're good people. As for some other guys that I know...I know exactly why they're going for these younger girls and it just makes me want to scream. If I didn't know these boys intentions, I don't think it would bother me as much. But they've come right out and told me and it just gets me all riled up.
Apparently girls that are closer to their age are more mature and know what they want out of life and these girls that are under the age of 20 are all...lets drink and be stupid. No, I'm not being stereotypical...I've hung out with them and know them. I'm not saying don't have fun...just don't be "silly" about it.

I use the word "silly" in place of another word because I don't want to be vulgar for my readers. Now I like these guys....let me rephrase that...I LIKED (past tense) these guys, they're great people on the outside and to everyone else they're responsible, mature and all around good boys, but I've talked with them. Even had them on pedastools because of what I thought they represented. Had their hearts poured out to me, only to find out something younger and dumber would be easier to handle. Now I could just be bitter...but I've seen them together and it's makes me want to scrub every part of my body....

It also drives me crazy when family does that. I love everyone in my family so much. And to hear that someone younger is who they're looking for really makes me skin crawl. Why is that? Why do guys always look for someone that is 5-10 years younger than them? I don't get it. What can you possible have in common? Especially when the girls is barely in college and the guy has been out of college for years...I can understand later on in life when they're both on the same track of being out of college and living on their own. Whatever. I just hate to see these young girls get hurt...it makes me hurt for them.
So to all you boys out there...just be careful of what you're doing. Know that girls always fall harder than you do could possibly be reading into a situation more than you are. Just be cautious of what you're doing.

Also on another note, I know I'm 4 weeks early, but I am getting so excited about Thanksgiving. This is my all time favorite holiday!! Why you ask...mostly because there's a couple different types of mashed potatoes that are served that day, but because it's just a great holiday. The whole family gets together and all you have to worry about is food. You don't have to buy gifts for 30 people, you don't have to wrap the 30 gifts, all you do is sit around and eat all day. Maybe watch a little football and take naps, but it's a day dedicated to eating. Now I may not look like someone that eats a lot...but believe me, I can put it away. That is one holiday when I hate that I'm a picky eater. I mostly just eat the turkey, mashed potatoes and a roll....but I always get seconds. There's usually not a vegetable that I like served on that day and I don't know why that is. Then a couple hours after eating...it's time to hit the desert table. Deliciousness all around!!

29 more days!!!


I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

I don't mind...
I don't care...
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or right
Black or white
If I close my eyes
It's all the same

In my life
The compromise
I close my eyes
It's all the same

Go ahead say it you're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
-Sick Puppies

I'm Broken

Well it's been a while since I've reached out to you all in the land of the internet. It's been a busy week and half. I had almost gone insane...but then I came back.

I was very excited to go to Kerrville last week. We were going to have a mini-retreat for the San Antonio and Austin Conference Youth Directors. Something that I really needed. First I had to get up before 7:00 AM, so that was rough, and when I get up early I usually get that nauseous feeling in my stomach. Well that feeling wasn't going away even after getting out of bed and getting dressed and ready to go. My ride got to my apartment at about 7:15 and came up to my place. I told her I wasn't feeling well...long story summurized: I lost 5 pounds on Thursday because I was so sick. That's right...throwing up from 7:30 a.m. to 10:30...that makes for a long horrible day. It was awful. But I got to take lots of little naps and watch loads of TV. I like TV!!
Props to Kyle for bringing me some Delicous Gatorade (which I later threw up) and Over the Hedge. I haven't been sick like that in so long that I forgot how horrible feels.

So I spent the rest of the weekend laying on my couch and watching TV and sleeping. It was semi-relaxing, semi-recovery. Didn't eat much, so I didn't have much strength. But I got enough of it to go to Trunk-Or-Treat. That's just a little event that the church puts on for a Halloween Celebration. We line up our cars, decorate our trunks and the kids get dressed up and trick-or-treat from trunk to trunk!! It's fun.

Now I guess I'm still in some sort of recovery process. I still just feel so tired all day and my appetite is just shot. Nothing sounds good, and nothing tastes good.

"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall...
...I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you"
-Sanctus Real

Cacahuete Festival

The 2nd weekend in October is dedicated to the Peanut Festival in Floresville Texas. Why a "Peanut" festival you ask...well, Floresville just so happens to be the Peanut Capitol of Texas. I know, that's a big deal. Of course, this is the weekend when college students come home, or people that moved away come back for a visit because they know everyone will be in town. Small town fun! It runs from Friday afternoon until late Saturday night.

I went out with my brother for a little while on Friday evening and ran into some old friends and family. You'll always run into someone you know. It really isn't that exciting, so Daniel and I went to Roper's. The only decent bar in town. We ran into our next door neighbor there. Our families have lived next door to each other for, I would say, about 27 years. They just so happen to be my God-Parents. My God Mother was killed by a drunk driver last November and it was a pretty rough ordeal. They had lost their 21 year old son to Asthma when I was really young and now this. The poor family has been through more, but that's none of your business. It just a different situation. Guy, my God Father, must have been there by himself, but knew the men around him. We got to chit-chatting for a little bit and he bought my brother and I a drink. Then we sort of went our seperate ways. I went back to talk a little more, but he kept saying how much he missed his wife and how he thinks about her every day and how he wished she was here to see me (it had been a while since I had seen the both of them). It was just a really emotional encounter. I never have the right words to comfort someone like that. I mean, they had been married for over 30 years and now she's gone. What do I know about any of that? I just hugged him and told him how good it was to see him out and about. Although a bar really isn't the place he should be out at, but still. I guess it's better to be out socially than stuck in a big house by yourself. All in all, I'm really glad that I ran into him.

Even after a late night, I got up to go to the parade the next morning. That was a little tougher than I expected. We always meet up with my uncle in the usual spot in front of the electric company. I got to see my cousin Sarah, that I dont' get to see that much. Plus some more of my Dad's side of the family. What a great weekend.

Narrowing down what I want to do with my future, which I'm a little excited about. Hopefully everything will work out the way I want it to.

You are my Joy

There's always that one song that can kind of just GET YOU GOING...you get pumped up and ready to go face the world. Maybe a theme song for you. I am one of those people that always seem to think of a song during conversation. In college when I would be walking around and this certain baseball player would walk by the only thing I would think of was the song "I want you to want me"...That song now comes up for other people as well...that song or the Mr. Big song "I'm the one that wants to be with you"...
When I see my friend Lauren I think of the lyrics "You are more Beautiful, than anyone EVER..." I just can't help myself. There's just music constantly playing in my head.

With that said...this is my new PUMP me up and get excited about life song:
And He set me on fire
And I am burning alive
With His breath in my lungs
I am coming undone
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed
Love’s taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go
I am letting myself go

You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
I need to catch my breath,
I need to I need to catch my breath,
give me a moment now
by The David Crowder Band...

My Original pump me up song is "Ice Ice Baby"...that one will always get me excited. But for now, this is my back up!

Where to Even Begin

What an amazing weekend. I couldn't have asked for a better one...it was much needed.
I attended the National Youth Worker's Convention from Youth Specialties. It was in Austin, but a friend and I got a hotel room for the weekend so it was like a mini-vacation. The speakers were great, the worship leaders were awesome, and fellowship is just always a good time. There was laughing, crying, praying, revealing, contemplating and so much more. I am worn out from all the walking and listening but I am so glad that I got to participate in it.

It's that little extra push of excitement about what I do that was a little overwhelming. I can't explain it, but right now, I'm so excited about what I do. I wish I didn't just get that once a year. But even so, I'm glad I got it. I could right an essay about everything that went on, but instead, I'm not. If you really want to know what happened, you can ask and I'll tell you!

They're Big, I'm Little.

Well the doctor visit went well. Although I had to sit in a freezing cold room all by myself without my shirt on. Which was weird. I don't usually take my shirt off for many people...
Good thing the doctor was pretty cute...married...but still good looking. He poked around on my back and made my bend over and stretch and all that good stuff. I told him the 3 different muscle relaxers that I've been on for my back...and he prescribed one of the same ones to me. Yay...more drugs.
Anyways...for now, his diagnosis is a herniated disc. There are many different terms to describe a herniated disc, such as a pinched nerve, bulging disc, ruptured disc or slipped disc. So for now I have to take a barrel full of ibuprofen a day and go to physical therapy a couple times a week until I get the hang of the exercises for me to do them on my own at home. So I'll go there this afternoon and see what's going on.
I guess this is just the first step in a process of relieving back pain, but I figure I've been dealing with this since my Junior Year of High School, it's about time. So that's that...hopefully my hour of exercise today will do some good.

On another note...I missed some voicemails on Monday, and I'm assuming it's because I turned my phone off while I was in the doctors office. Well, last night at 2:54 A.M. my voicemail on my phone sounded...so I decided to check it, since it scared me awake. No new messages. My phone just decided to pull a prank on my. NOT FUNNY. There were no missed calls, but it still went of. It was a little freaky...but oh well.

Finally

Well I finally did it...I'm going to go see a doctor this afternoon about my back.
After years of being uncomfortable, I'm going to get it checked out. I left work early on Thursday because I was in so much I couldn't concentrate on anything. So it was a rough day and Friday wasn't any better...then I had to go camping on Saturday.
Anyways....Thursday when I left work, I went and bought Back Pain Pills, some Emu lotion (I had gotten some in college it's supposed to be good for sore muscles) and a Lumbar pillow. And I still laid on the couch crying because everything hurt.

So Friday I spent most of the day on the phone with insurance figuring out all my deductables and what not. I found an Orthopedist on Georgetown that takes my insurance and had an opening today. So I took it.

I'm not expecting much because I've been to doctors for my back before...but I'm hoping it's a start and he can tell me what the next step is in getting this taken care of.

I'll let you know.

One of my Favorite People!!

Yes...I have favorite people, and they are all very special. They're not necessarily best friends of mine...they're just wonderful people.
Today I'll tell you about Brad H...he's definitely one of my favorites. He just always puts a smile on my face with his personality. I met Brad in the summer of 2002 at Camp Chrysalis where we were on staff together. So, even though I've only known him a few years...he's one of the top people on my list.

Brad has been living in the Domincal Republic with the Peace Corps for a little over a year know and he sends updates every now and then through another type of blog. He is a Youth Specialist which means he is in charge of forming youth sports leagues, teaching sexual health, teaching a little English, organizing literacy campagins etc... for the youth in a rural community in the Dominican Republic. But this time, I got a personal email from him. Mostly, he was just asking for money to help sponsor some kids to get some retreats set up for them. He write:

"I was writing to see if you and the youth at your church would be interested in helping out my community. Thanks to a generous donation from the NFL (specifically the Chicago Bears) we have formed a flag football team for kids ages 10-16. They have already participated in one tournament and the team is really starting to become cohesive. However, I would like to expand to focus of the group and not just concentrate on flag football but also work on leadership and character building. To do this I am organizing a series of workshops that will, hopefully, culminate with a weekend retreat to a high ropes course here in the Dominican Republic. The only problem in funding."
So if anyone would like to help out...I'm gonna help him out.

But back to why he is one of my favorite people...the way he writes just puts a smile on my face everytime.
I would like to take some snippets from his recent emails to me:

"My everything,
Hello friend! I know it has been a while since we last saw each other tromping around the fields of Camp Chrysalis, but I hope all is well for you in the bustling metropolis of Georgetown...even though I HATE YOU!"

"To my most HATED friend in the world-
I HATE you!! I hate you more than my no-milk-producing goat!! And I HATE that goat! Becky, my dear, how are you? I miss you...."

"I love you. Wait! What? No I dont! I HATE YOU!!"

" Smooch, thanks so much! You're the best. Hope everything is going well and fill me in on your life.
I hate you more than toe-socks (those things are creepy. they make your feet look like hands. Awkward!)
Brad"

Anyways...those were just from the two recent emails and I thought they were funny!

His Plan for Your Mate

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone- to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing and allow Me, to give you the most thrilling plan excisting- one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST. Please allow me to bring it to you. Just keep watching Me-expecting the greatest thing- keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things other have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful than anyone would ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have for you is read. I am working even this very minute to have you both ready at the same time. Until you both are satisfied exclusively with me, and life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience that love that exemplifies your love with Me...and this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the existing unions of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and abe satisfied.

Q's:
1. What does this letter from God to you say about His role, plan, and purpose for you life?
2. What would it look like, in your life, to be 100% completely satisfied with God?
3. How do you feel knowing that God is preparing your future husband or wife at this very moment?


*I was looking for a devotional to do with my high school group this Sunday while we go camping and I found this in a binder that I had from when I worked at camp and I wanted to share it with you all.

Thoroughly Predictable

Here's a secret...I love the movie "A Walk To Remember". I just think it's a great movie. Probably not likely...but still, a great movie.
I watched it on Sunday over the couple hours I wasn't at church. There's a scene in the movie where Mandy Moore and Shane West are riding the school bus back to their school after Saturday tutoring and this is one of the conversations they had:

Jamie: Please don't pretend like you know me, ok?
Landon: But I do, I do. We've had all the same classes in the same school since kindergarten. Why you're Jamie Sullivan. You sit at lunch table 7. Which isn't exactly the reject table, but is definitely in self exile territory. You have exactly one sweater. You like to look at your feet when you walk. Oh, oh, and yeah, for fun, you like to tutor on weekends and hang out with the cool kids from "Stars and Planets." Now how does that sound?
Jamie: Thoroughly predictable, nothing I haven't heard before.
Landon: You don't care what people think about you?
Jamie: No.

So now I'm just going back to my last post...it may seem that you know who I am or what I'm about...but like she says, it's just thoroughly predictable. Hah...I love it.

Also, let me give you the definition of a deadline: a date or time before which something must be done. a date or time BEFORE which something MUST be done. Now, when I see that there is a deadline I'm usually turning it in before it's actually due.
Now to me, this is a simple task. You get an assignment you get the date in which you need to give it back. Simple.
I didn't know that this doesn't apply to everyone. Silly me just thought that we all had to go by certain deadlines. But apparently this isn't true. Some people are just so powerful that deadlines don't apply to them. They can turn in anything past deadline and it's fine. How do you get this power you ask? But there are people that go to my church that just seem to think that deadlines mean: turn it in whenever it's convenient to you, so that you are not going out of your way make someone else's life easier. Maybe I just have the wrong dictionary.
So please for the sake of other people's job's and sanity, if you see that something has a deadline, try and get it turned in one time!! Please!

So Much!!

I have so much to talk about today!! Awesome I know. I'm sure you all have just been waiting to hear me say that! There's a lot to say because lots has happened since 4:00 yesterday.

First, the secretary and I just have Hours upon hours of "comp" time building up, so we decided to leave work at about 4:45. Which at first I saw as a good thing because I needed to make a stop at Pet Smart because Peanut needed some food. I ended up buying her a new house too because her little wooded one that she has now is a couple years old and just a little gross and chewed up. Fine, I don't mind buying stuff that I need.

As I was leaving I noticed that Best Buy was just across the parking lot and I was thinking to myself..."you know, I haven't bought a CD in a while and I KNOW for a fact that New Found Glory's new CD, "Coming Home" just came out today." CD's are always cheaper if you buy them on the day they come out, so it was just logical to buy it that day! I also remembered that The Early November also had a newer CD out that I hadn't purchased yet. So of course, I might as well buy it while I'm there, right? Right. Plus when I got there, I saw that the Early November CD was a 3 disk pack + a DVD...That's awesome. Three CD's + DVD for like $13.99...it doesn't get any better than that. So basically I bought like 4 CD's for under $25. That's good spending. AWESOME!! I know.
As I was checking out the high school boy ringing me up asks how I'm doing. I say: "I'm doing well, thanks. How are you doing?" "I've never heard anybody answer like that, using the word 'well'"...I told him that he's not the first person to tell me that. I got called out on saying "well" the other day also. Isn't that the correct way to use that word? I'm not an English major, but I thought I wasn't doing anything wrong. Then he says, "It's just funny to see someone your age say it that way"....my age? What the heck does that mean? I kind of laughed a little laugh and then walked out of the store. And what did I see when I walked out...more stores. I can't control myself. I proceeded to buy three shirts at another store. Then I made myself leave, because apparently I have a problem and I needed to get out of the shopping area!

So I got home and sat on my kitchen counter and put my new CD's in the CD player one at a time, and yes, I listed to every song. How many songs you ask...59. Yes, 59 songs I listened to. That's a lot of songs. But one of the disks from The Early November has 24 songs on it and none of them are over a minute and a half. So that helped.
I think I made some excellent purchases at Best Buy. I definitely recommend both of those CD's to anyone looking for new CD's to buy.

After listening to all my new songs I watched the movie "Hustle and Flow". I also recommend that movie to you all, especially if you like rap music. It was just good entertainment and an eye opener. I was interupted half way through by my cousin. But I didn't mind because I really like talking to him. He'll be 30 in December (don't tell him I told you that), so he's my "advice" guy. He tells me what guys are really thinking when they say certain things, and I tell him what girls really think when they say certain things. He really makes me feel good about decisions I make when it comes to guys and lets me know that I shouldn't feel bad about anything I decide. Kind of makes me feel alright that I'm shallow at times. He's definitely shallow at times...but come on, who's not Shallow??? You're lying if you say you're not. So we had a nice hour long talk...Good times.

So then I go to sleep. I'm such a bad sleeper. I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep for years now. It's like my back just know's when I'm going to bed. As soon as I lay down I can just start feeling it begin to throb and then I can't get comfortable and everything from my shoulders to my neck to my spine to my ribs to all over my back is just hurting. It really stinks. Yes, I've been to doctors and gotten medication and done the "excercises" prescribed to me and even got an MRI on it, but nothing seems to work. It sucks. And I complain about it...but I don't know what to do about it, so any suggestions on this subject will be appreciated!!

Of course I wake up unrested and in pain, but I have to face the day anyways...and yes it still hurts, but I guess it's just something I have to live with.

While I'm getting ready this morning, the Bobby Bones show is talking about the farthest you've ever been for a first date. Some people were calling in that they flew to Missouri and it didn't work out right away and a girl was just stranded there for a couple days by herself because the guy just wasn't that interested. That's rude of the guy. At least hang out with her while she's there! So here's my story.

First story comes all the way from Detroit, Michigan. That is 1352.65 miles away...pretty far I know. But at least it was him that flew down and not me. It was a nice 5 days together of hanging out. Of course it didn't work out, but it was a fun weekend of something different.
Second story takes me 1388.76 miles...just a little farther. Yes I flew all the way to Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin. By myself. My parents were a little freaked out, but it was a family member of a lady at church. So I wasn't too worried. I knew right away that it wasn't really something that was going to "work out" and we talked about that right away, and so the trip was great. We still had lots of fun hanging out. Plus I got to travel and I love traveling and I don't think I would have ever gone to Wisconsin for anything. So it was a good excuse to go there!
Both boys were pretty far, make that Very Far, away from home, but they were both something new and exciting. Long distance relationships are hard and you have to work at them. But I think they can be something great as long as you both put something into. I don't necessarily recommend that everyone make these long trips, but for some, it could be a great experience for you!

Then I met a boy from Florence, South Carlonina this past fall while I was in Nashville and he was pretty fun. We hung out for a night and then I flew back to Texas and he drove back home. We talked on the phone for a few months after that, but again, it wasn't a big deal. Just another state to mark off of guys...just kidding. I don't have boys in every state...or do I? Kidding again. But I do have friends from far away.

When I worked in Pennsylvania at Camp Tioga, I met a bunch of fun people. I didn't actually "date" anyone while I was there. But I did go on a date the last day before I left for Maryland. This guy was from New York, but I think he's in Massechusetts now. We still email back and forth every now and then...which is nice. Just a little catch up time.
I guess I do have friends all over the place!!! I even have friends out in California, Arizona, Kansas, Oregan...goodness, I need to start traveling more to make some visits!

The morning radio show just got my juices flowing about all the people from out of state that I don't get to see anymore...

So those are all my stories for the day...

Like and Dislike

I was inspired by another blog to think of things that I hate. So I got on the topic if words that I dislike. I really don't like the word Hate, so we're going to use "dislike".

So here it is. Words I dislike:

1. Hate
2. Panties or Panty
3. Pure
4. Discharge
5. Denied
6. Cancer
7. Douche

Words I Like:

1. Amazing
2. Delerious
3. Pumpkin
4. Skittle

Now this is a work in progress so I'm sure I will think of more words, but this is just what popped into my head at this moment.

Sometimes I Wish

Sometims I wish I could trade places with someone else. Just to be somewhere different, do something different, and be someone different. I HATE when people stereotype me and just assume they know who I am. I guess I'm just as guilty, but I feel I at least give people a chance. It really gets to me sometimes...like I have this huge label across my forehead and when people read it, they stear clear of me. It hurts, and it sucks and most of the time I can't do anything about it. I'm terrified that no one will ever see me for who I really am. The feeling comes and goes but when it hits...it's gut wrenching.

I had dinner with an old friend the other day, someone that I don't really ever "hang out" with, but he was in town, so I did. He just got married this past May and I was asking how that was going. His response..."We don't really have anything in common, but she's real cool." Nothing in Common??!! Real Cool!!! Not a "man I really love her" or "it's just great"...it was a little depressing to hear.
Why would you even consider marrying someone you have nothing in common with? To me, he's just settling. I know he's in his 30's and was probably just thinking this was the next logical step to take...but that stinks. I don't want to have to "settle" for someone. That's just sad-but at the rate I'm going-there's a possibility that it could happen. But I'm going to do my best for that not to happen.

Where to go now? Life is just very distracting right now, I have a hard time concentrating and focusing on certain tasks. I can't figure out what's distracting me-but there's something there. I don't know how to put my finger on it, I just wish I could so that I can get in to a more of a routine where I can actually "live". Wouldn't that be Awesome? I guess if I had the will power I could just switch things on and off, but I just don't have the strength. I can see myself being ridiculous, but how do I fix things without help. If I just had the strength and will power to change my attitude things would be so different....better.

Had a good talk with Lauren last night. Goodness, I miss that girl. She's the only girl I know that I'm so comfortable to tell things to. There's no judgement in her tone...just friendliness. It sucks that she's so far away...but at least we're still as close as if she was still here!

A Few More

Here's a few more songs that I thought of over the weekend that I think you all should listen to:

Mest - "Living Dead"
Sum 41 - "Motivation" and "In Too Deep"
New Found Glory - "Head on Collision" and "The Story So Far"
Blink 182 - "Please Take Me Home"
John Mayer - "Love Song for No One"
Something Corporate - "Fall"
Guster - "Rocketship"
Our Lady Peace - "Do You Like It"
Trik Turner - "Friends and Family"
Lil' Keke - "Platinum in the Ghetto" (that one's just fun!)
Sensefield - "Save Yourself"
David Gray - "Be Mine"
Aqualung - "Brighter Than Sunshine"
Better Than Ezra - "Lifetime"
Mest - "Rooftops"
Phantom Planet - "One Ray of Sunlight"
Sarah McLachlan - "Push"

I chose these songs because of the lyrics, so you would really need to listen to them!! Go ahead, they're wonderful!

LISTEN TO ME!!!

I was listening to the Bobby Bones Show this morning and I only caught a glimpse of this one segment and it was them giving off their three favorite songs...or something like that and it got me thinking about what my favorite songs are. I love listening to music, so it's hard for me to narrow down what my favorite songs are.

So I decided to share the list with you all that I came up with. These are in no way in any particular order because I love them all. I tried puting them in groups, but I couldn't do that. I know there are more songs out there, but this was just me brain-storming at work, if I were to sit down at home with lots of time...I could come up with some more songs...so here it is for now.

Becky's List of Top Songs!!:
"Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice
"Just Like Heaven" - The Cure (The Goldfinger version is awesome too)
"Hands Down" - Dashboard Confessional
"So Long, So Long" - Dashboard Confessional
"Push" - Sarah McLachlan
"I Shall Believe" - Sheryl Crow
"Always on Your Side" - Sheryl Crow
"Season" - Good Charlotte
"Faithfully" - Journey
"Jack and Diane" - John Mellencamp
"Do I Have to Say the Words" - Brian Adams
"With or Without You" - U2
"You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" - Righteous Brothers
"Chcolate" - Snow Patrol
"I Want to Hear You Sad" - The Early November
"Mr. Jones" - Counting Crows
"Straight Up" - Paula Abdul
"Cover Girl" - New Kids on the Block
"Every Rose Has it's Thorns" - Poison
"Here I Go Again on my Own" - Whitesnake
"To Be With You"- Mr. Big
"Going Nowhere" - Oasis (and Wonderwall was awesome too)
"Killing Me Softly" - The Fugees
"Tears in Heaven" - Eric Clapton
"Walk on the Ocean" - Toad the Wet Sprocket
"Head On Collision" - New Found Glory
"Paul Revere" - Beastie Boys

Now I know there are plenty more...especially when it comes to Rap or R&B, but this is just the basic list for now. I hope you take some time to listen to some of the songs that you don't know...so that you can see why I like them!!

Sneezing

Because I don't know how to put a video up on a blog I'm sending the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3TnQ16leUE

I love this clip of Dane Cook, I've watched it a couple times and I think it's great.
Yes, it has a couple cuss words on it, but just pretend like they're not there.

But all you out there who hear "God bless you" after someone sneezes it's because ONLY God can "bless" you...no one else has the power to bless, just "The LORD".

Give Me Some Credit

I think I must keep my self confidence in a box hidden in my closet because it's never around when I need it. I have my moments of feeling inadequate when it comes to my job and to other aspects of my life. But when I take that step back...I see how much I really do have things under control.

I have been a complete wreck when it comes to this program I'm starting at work. I haven't been able to please everyone (and that drives me up the wall), I don't feel like I'm doing things right, and I just don't think I'm accomplishing anything that needs to get done.

I met with my "boss" today and he set me straight. I was looking at what I do and you know what...sometimes I just amaze myself at how well I do with what I'm given. I need to just give myself a pat on the back and tell myself that I'm doing the right thing and everything will turn out. I can't help it if parents aren't as dedicated to church as mine were and don't get their kids here. It's NOT my problem. They are the ones that will have to deal with it in the future.

My support system here just seems kind of hidden at times. It's not like when I was living at home and my parents were always telling me how well of a job I was doing, I'm not surrounded by the positive energy that I once had. Peanut shows her affection when I walk in the door, but utltimately I have to be the one that keeps me going and energized about what I do every day.
Yes I have people here that tell me I'm doing a good job, but it's not daily, it's just when they see me do something they approve of. But I'm just as guilty, I don't always go up to everyone I know and give them a pat on the back just for the heck of it. Maybe that's something I should start doing though. Just go up to people and tell them their doing a good job...we'll see...

Maybe This Year Will be Better Than The Last...

I'm going to copy a little from Lauren's post because it triggered some feelings that I've been having as well.
I took this line from "Long December" and have used it in many different ways. I had a friend that was killed from drinking and driving in High School and I put this in a card to his parents, I've also used it in just letter's to friends or in passing of aquaintances.

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
~ Counting Crows

It's so simple, but so hard at times. We always think we're always going to have these "moments", that they'll never leave us. We (or I) don't think about the little things as they're happening. They don't even have to be these amazing moments, they could just be getting a starbucks with a friend or meeting up with a family member at a bar, or watching the stars while laying on the roof. I know I appreciate all these actions, but do I really "take it all in"? I don't know, I would like to think I do, but I just don't know.
Even with my job, I know I won't be here at this place for ever, but am I really soaking up every detail of the good times? I know I'm not, because I just alway assume there will be a next one and so I don't really think about it.

What does it take to actually think about holding on to these "moments"? What do we do with these moments in time? Webster defines a moment as: a point of time. That's all it is, is a point of time. We can't really save time or make it longer, it's just there. We need to be aware of these moments and cherish them. We should never take our time here for granted. Even little simple activities are here for us and we should appreciate them.

So when a breeze hits your face, or a friend wants a coffee, or a friend needs a ride...any little thing. Stop and breathe it in and be happy to do it because it may not always be there.

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood

It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should
~Counting Crows

Love to Listen

I am just so excited that there are so many great songs on the radio now. I feel like we had been going threw a dry spell for sometime, but there are just so many great new songs out there. Last night while I was driving back from San Antonio I didn't even have to put in a CD because every time I would change the radio station, a good song was on. I usually have to listen to a few CD's on that drive because nothing I like is ever on...whew...I love it. Plus today, it hasn't gotten warmer than 72 degrees (I don't know what's going on), so I drove to work and back for lunch and back to work with the window's down. I LOVE driving with the windows down. I even got a little chilly...

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"
~The Cure

On another note...life is good. Changes are in progress and I have things to look forward to.
I got to spend a few nights at home, which was nice because I won't get to do that for a while now. Did LOT'S of bonding with the brother's, I was even brave enough to go and talk to this guy from back hom that I've had a crush on for a while. It really wasn't anything, I just think he's pretty cute, and I never talk to him because well...I'm a chicken and he's a few years older than I am. But I sucked it up and we talked for a good 30 minutes, nothing special, but at least I can't say that I didn't do it. Hopefully that'll make me brave enough to do it again...maybe not with him, but just with guys in general. I'm trying to step out of the box.

My mom made me clean out my room at their house because she wants to do some rearranging...so I had to go through about four boxes of stuff (aka: Crap). I'm such a saver, I so much silly stuff in those boxes. But I found old pictures and back packs and year books...it was a little easier to throw some of that stuff out than I thought...so now I need to try and do that here in Georgetown, I have so much "STUFF" that I don't need and it just sits around collecting dust. Hopefully I can make myself sift through all the stuff I don't need. I think it'll just freshen things up a bit.

Where's my head at?

I must be losing it!! I have just had one of those weeks where I seem to be in another place than where I should be.
Monday morning when I was leaving for work I noticed that my door was unlocked. I NEVER leave my door unlocked. As long as I've been living by myself I always lock at least one of the three locks as soon as I shut the door behind me when I come home. At night I lock both dead bolt, I used to latch the chain, but I don't anymore because I feel it's a waste of time. That's the second time I've woken up with my door unlocked. I don't really expect anyone to climb the three flights of stairs to "rob" me, I have nothing to rob, except my TV...but that's too much energy for any robber. It just kind of shocked me that I actually forgot to lock my door. I always lock the door even when I have company, it's just habit.

Then, last night I was for some reason unusually tired when I was coming home from Kyle's. I got home, locked the door, and seriously, just went straight to bed. Of course I brushed my teeth and washed my face...and then went straight to my bed. This morning the sun is blinding and me and I'm thinking...that's weird, the sun isn't usually that bright when I wake up. Well, I was right, the sun isn't that bright when I wake up because it was 40 minutes after I usually get up. That's right, I forgot to set my alarm last night. So instead of waking up at 7:20, I woke up at 8:00...Needless to say, I took a very quick shower (which meant, no washing of the hair...I hate not having clean hair), got dressed and walked out the door. I'm wearing my hair in a pony tail today...I NEVER wear my hair in a pony tail...I guess it's not because I don't like pony tails, but I get headaches whenever I wear my hair any other way than just plain down. So I can already feel the small aches coming on, but I'm trying to push through them.

Lastly...I've been dropping things a lot. Like my depth perseption is just really off for some reason. I've stumbled on steps, had to reach for my bottle water a couple times because for some reason I keep missing it, and I just can't seem to keep a grip on things. It's really weird. It's not like I've been a little clumbsy here and there, it's that I've just been off...I don't know how to explain it.
It's been a weird few days. I guess I'm just that distracted with everything right now. Lot's of personal stuff that I'm keeping locked up...and then my job is stressing the heck out of me. Looks like another vacation is in order. Good thing I get a 4 day weekend this weekend, I'm ready for that.

Anyways...maybe I need to start taking vitamins or somthing so that I can get back on track. I don't want ro really lose my mind...not yet.

Where's your head at?
We can't live on, live on without you
We can't live on, live on without you!!!
-Basement Jaxx

Pieces of Me

My Dad has been participating in A.C.T.S. retreats for a couple of years now. It's through the Catholic church and it has to do with ACTS 2:42-47; breaking bread together, worshipping together, receiving instruction together, sharing in common, and reaching out in loving service. He went to one as a participant and now he has been helping to lead ones for youth. He's done a few of them throughout the past couple years and always has stories to tell me about them. It's our way of bonding, I guess.

They always do skits at the retreats and he loves telling me about these. So far I have been able to relate with a lot of the skits he shares with me, but this past one just gave me the goosebumps and I am going to give you the short version of how I remember it.

It starts off with a girl on a dark stage with a huge paper heart around her neck.
Her boyfriend comes on and they get into an argument and break up and he rips a piece of her heart and takes it with him.
Then her Dad walks in and yells at her for not making all A's on her report cards and walks away with a piece of her heart.
And it goes on like this for a while and her heart is just ripped to shreds. So she has pieces of her heart all over the place.

Then Jesus walks in with a brand new heart for her and he tells her how Jesus is always in her heart and has a brand new heart with him.

I feel like that sometime I have a piece of my heart all over the place and I'm not left with much. A part of me is back in Floresville, pieces are spread out in San Antonio, Georgetown, South Carolina, Michigan, TLU...I'm spread out pretty thin. And even though I work at a church, sometimes I don't always feel like Jesus is standing over me with this huge heart just for me. I wish I could get that feelings, I just don't know how to get there.

And she falls down trying...

Yet another weekend of my life was spent in San Antonio, I seem to be going there a lot lately when I find myself not at work. It's a soothing and familiar place to me and I'm actually happy when I'm there.
While I do not have to work on Friday's most other people with normal hours do. So I treated myself to the movies and while watching this movie something really dawned on me. It was weird because as I was sitting in the dark theater I just had one of those "that's what it is" moments. I figured out why I was never comfortable in a relationship: I have always been scared of not being able to live up to how other people see me. I'm just me, and I always think that people see me differently. Like they see me as someone who is always put together and knows what she wants out of life and is always happy and easy to get along with. When really...I'm a mess, I'm a lot different from what I may seem to be like, I never think I'm as pretty as other girls, and I'm not always easy to get along with. But who isn't all these things? We all have our moments. Whatever...I just need to learn to be "ME" and have people know that I can be all sorts of crazy because what you see is not always what you get...know what I mean.

And to my sweet LD, like you always tell me, someone will love me for all my craziness and someone will love you for all your craziness! It will be easy and though there will be trying times, it won't be too much to work through.
I've fallen down so many times trying so hard to impress people and make people happy and do what I feel is right, that sometimes it's just a kick in the face. If we have to try that hard, then it's just not worth it if people don't see us for who we are. Just remember: When a newborn chick thinks it's whole world is collapsing it's just the beginning of a new and wonderful life.


"And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.

When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you."
-Familiar 48

Yesterday...

...all my troubles seemed so far away, Now it look as though they're here to stay, Oh, I believe in yesterday.
It's funny how one word can make a song pop into your head...this Beatle's song is my "yesterday" song...

If you asked me what I did yesterday, this is what I would tell you: I went to a sneak Preview of BeerFest!! How exciting. I've never gotten to see a movie before it came out. Well it was only 2 days before it comes out...but that's a big deal for me. Plus, it was at the Alamo Draft House and that just has good times written all over it.

I went with my friend Wes, we grew up down the street from each other and went to high school together and all that good stuff. Well, his girlfriend's cousin somehow got a few free passes to the movie and Wes invited me along. It was nice to hang out with a familiar person...

We got to talking about how we both want to move closer to home eventually. I mean, I do love the Austin area, but it's just not "home". Now I don't feel as guilty about wanting to be closer to family and friends...because I'm not the only one thinking about it. I know once I move back to the San Antonio area I'm really going to miss being close to Austin, but that's just how life goes. We also got to play a little foosball afterwards...I'm learning some "moves" so watch out...I've never really had that much fun playing that game, but once I kind of knew what I was doing...it can be quite entertaining!

Just Let It Go...

I've never thought of myself to hold a grudge against anyone...I'm one of those forgive and forget and lets be friends again...I'm having a hard time with that right now.

I got a phone call from a friend this weekend to give me some info for our spa day on Saturday in San Antonio...well I asked if anyone was doing anything exciting on Thursday or Friday night before the spa day that I needed to come in early for. . .That's when it hit me like a brick wall. Something about Travis and this other girl maybe doing something...

Now Travis and I have a little history together, nothing big, I think we went out a couple times in high school. But he's always been the boy that I look back on and think of how much I liked him and if things were different...blah blah blah...I've definitely had a crush on him since high school, but then he moved to Colorado and then he joined the Marines and life just got in the way, you know what I mean.
Well in June he poured his "heart" out to me about how has always had this huge crush on me and how much he liked me and wanted to "try" and start something with me and how his family already loves me and he didn't care that I lived in Georgetown, and I told him how I felt and how I've waited to hear him say that, blah blah blah...well as you know that got shot to shit...and YES it did hurt, but I got over it.

The thing that's bothering me, is that he been dating this girl since like the week after he told me all those things. Who does that? All of a sudden just change your feelings and move on to the next one, it takes me longer than a week to do that...And I'm friends with this girl and I'm going to have to spend the day with her on Saturday and I can already see myself being a little stand-off-ish around her and I don't want to be that way. I guess it's more because I like this girl and I don't want her to get hurt because I know this guy can be a jerk...I don't know maybe it's different this time.

Or...maybe I'm just jealous because I'm always the girl that gets shit on and not the one that guys just drop what they're doing to hang out with me...you know. I'm just ready for my turn. And I don't want to be all emotional when I go and hang out with all these girls this weekend.

What a yucky feeling. Does everyone else have this much drama in their lives, because sometimes I feel like I'm just a magnet for it...

I just wish I was strong enough to let all this stuff just slip right off of me...I would feel so much better if I would let it go and not dwell on it. I mean, guys seem to just let it go...why is it harder for girls to do the same?

NUMB

You can't even imagine how much I hurt having to come back to my empty apartment. EVERY TIME I got to San Antonio I have a hard time leaving. I can already forsee how bad these next couple days will be. I always feel like I'm leaving a piece of me back there, or that I forgot to do something while I was there and now I have to wait until the next time I back to do it.

The whole drive back last night I just had this numb feeling, like I didn't care what happened to me...I could get in a car accident and I would have been fine with it. Being out of commission for a while. I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now and not actually doing ANYTHING. I get up take a shower go to work do my job and it just feels like I've doing nothing. I blink my eyes and the day is over and I don't remember doing anything...I just do it. I don't feel anything anymore. No emotions, no energy, no feeling...nothing.

My stomach has just been in knots and I can't eat. Now I'm back in the routine of my life here in G-Town...and the depression sinks in. I never realized how rough life can get.
Plus I get on this huge high of being around people I love for so long and then "BAMM" I'm back to just me and peanut in my apartment...now I love that girl...but it's difficult on me sometimes.

Plus I think I'm pissed that I didn't get to see a certain person while I was there...now I know it's better that way, but at the same time...I just think it would have made the trip a little more enjoyable...but then I would just get back here and beat myself up about it because I'm such a FOOL at times.

I always seem to set myself up for disappointment. I put myself in these situations where I know I'm going to get hurt...yet I can't stop myself. What's wrong with me? I am just a complete Idiot at times. I need to quit being a people pleaser and just do my thing...but I hate when other people aren't happy...no matter how unhappy it makes me. I really just need a change in my life...something to make ME happy. But I don't know what will make me happy. Sometimes I think I know what it is ...but it usually is a false sense of happiness.

I just need something to make that tense feeling go away to where I can be comfortable with life again.