I always got pissed when guys would string me along making me think that they liked me and wanted a "relationship" of some sort. I would always think in my mind: Spare me the time and energy, just tell me you don't like me in that way and I'll move on. Yes it would suck to have someone tell you that, but at least then you don't feel like a fool for believing something would come of it.
I've heard the phrase, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings, enough times. What, do you think it's easier to grow feelings for a while and then tell me your not interested? What's better buddy? Tell me know or tell me later? I'd rather get it over with.
And here I am...string along this poor guy because I don't have the guts to hurt his feelings. I've never been on this side before and I really don't like it. All I've told this guy is that there can't be a relationship because of the distance...I never told him that I'm not interested in him in that way. Because if I was interested, I would figure something out.
I'm beginning to understand the difficulty that guys have when it comes to the opposite sex. It's just not easy to let someone down. It sucks whether you're the one doing the talking or the one receiving. I guess this is just a life lesson...don't drag things on.
I've had so much anger built up towards guys when they drag out the "conversation". But seriously, they got to have balls to do that. Who wants to make someone else unhappy? No one, I hope.
So to all you guys that are just waiting for the "right time" to have the "conversation"...there's never a Right time. Just do it before there are too many emotions at stake. Sometimes girls fall too quickly and so once you know you're not interested, let them know. Don't wait a week or two to see if your feelings change, do it immediately so that it won't be as hard...on both your parts.
These are just my two cents...do with it what you wish.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Brrrrrr! It's cold in here
...there must be some Torroh's in the atmosphere.
I couldn't believe it when I walked outside this morning for work, I got the chills. It was actually cool outside. I know they said we were getting a cold front, but I was thinking...80's or something. My weather bug says that it's 66 outside right now. That's cold for me, and I didn't even bring a jacket or sweater to work today. My feet are freezing. When your feet are cold, your whole body is cold. But I guess it beats the 105 we had yesterday, right.
I'll leave work early today to pick Chris up at the airport. I always like making excuses to leave work early. We'll have a nice little weekend. Today is mostly hanging out, dinner with his cousin, then drinks with Lauren. Tomorrow we'll hang out again and then go to the Lake for some fishing and jet ski's. Saturday is still open, maybe a movie or something. I don't know. We'll just see how things go. His cousin called me about 5 times yesterday wanting to know if I've made any plans yet. She's stressing more than I am about having something for us to do every moment that he here. I keep telling her that we'll just think of something when the time comes. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her and she wants me to have an itinerary for every day. That is NOT going to happen. I'd rather just do something on the spur of the moment. Most likely we'll just rent a bunch of movies. That's easy enough.
Good thing this cold front came in today too. He's been living in days where the high is only 55, and we had 105 yesterday. He would have literally melted.
Wish me luck...
I couldn't believe it when I walked outside this morning for work, I got the chills. It was actually cool outside. I know they said we were getting a cold front, but I was thinking...80's or something. My weather bug says that it's 66 outside right now. That's cold for me, and I didn't even bring a jacket or sweater to work today. My feet are freezing. When your feet are cold, your whole body is cold. But I guess it beats the 105 we had yesterday, right.
I'll leave work early today to pick Chris up at the airport. I always like making excuses to leave work early. We'll have a nice little weekend. Today is mostly hanging out, dinner with his cousin, then drinks with Lauren. Tomorrow we'll hang out again and then go to the Lake for some fishing and jet ski's. Saturday is still open, maybe a movie or something. I don't know. We'll just see how things go. His cousin called me about 5 times yesterday wanting to know if I've made any plans yet. She's stressing more than I am about having something for us to do every moment that he here. I keep telling her that we'll just think of something when the time comes. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her and she wants me to have an itinerary for every day. That is NOT going to happen. I'd rather just do something on the spur of the moment. Most likely we'll just rent a bunch of movies. That's easy enough.
Good thing this cold front came in today too. He's been living in days where the high is only 55, and we had 105 yesterday. He would have literally melted.
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Let the fighting words Lie
I think I've hit The Wall.
I am a little tired of people telling me how to do my job, when they aren't even my boss. SHIT, I'm doing my best. If you want something done, why don't you help me out and do it yourself. My job is just really getting to me. I hear it from youth, parents, and volunteers. Give me a break OK. I know I can't please everyone, but give me some kind of credit.
I feel like I'm in a bad mood all the time. I'm ALWAYs on edge. Jumpy, distracted, pissed-off, frustrated, stressed...you name it, I feel it.
Luckily I get to go home next weekend. Family usually cheers me up. Or maybe I should just go shopping.
I'm ready for something new, or at least some help with Life. I'd like to move...far away. Just for a while. Get a change of scenery for a while.
Also, I don't know if I'm going crazy, or just under that much stress. But I swear when I turn the lights out to go to sleep at night...I'm hearing people whispering in my room. There's a boy and a girl and it's like they're just having a creepy conversation. It scared the crap out of me last night. I had to turn the radio on just to fall asleep. It was really weird. I usually don't get scared in my apartment, but that kind of freaked me out. It's happened the past two nights. What does that mean?
I am a little tired of people telling me how to do my job, when they aren't even my boss. SHIT, I'm doing my best. If you want something done, why don't you help me out and do it yourself. My job is just really getting to me. I hear it from youth, parents, and volunteers. Give me a break OK. I know I can't please everyone, but give me some kind of credit.
I feel like I'm in a bad mood all the time. I'm ALWAYs on edge. Jumpy, distracted, pissed-off, frustrated, stressed...you name it, I feel it.
Luckily I get to go home next weekend. Family usually cheers me up. Or maybe I should just go shopping.
I'm ready for something new, or at least some help with Life. I'd like to move...far away. Just for a while. Get a change of scenery for a while.
Also, I don't know if I'm going crazy, or just under that much stress. But I swear when I turn the lights out to go to sleep at night...I'm hearing people whispering in my room. There's a boy and a girl and it's like they're just having a creepy conversation. It scared the crap out of me last night. I had to turn the radio on just to fall asleep. It was really weird. I usually don't get scared in my apartment, but that kind of freaked me out. It's happened the past two nights. What does that mean?
Monday, September 26, 2005
Days like this
I hate days like this...
I had such an awesome weekend, I did great doing the church service, the dedication was great, Saturday was just a good day. Sunday I had 15 youth show up for the Sunday night Meeting. 15!!! That's awesome.
Then...Monday comes along and bites you in the butt.
I've already been stressing about Chris coming down on Thursday. I just don't want to hurt his feelings in any ways, so that has just been on my mind.
But, get this. I got a couple of emails from my youth in the high school group that are just complaining about how I'm doing my job. They feel left out or included...well, then. Come hang out with us. Make yourself a part of the group. It really just hurt my feelings that I try so hard to make things fun and then I hear something like this that just wasn't expected at all. I thought I stressed before...Now, I just want to cry because that makes me feel like crap.
I had such an awesome weekend, I did great doing the church service, the dedication was great, Saturday was just a good day. Sunday I had 15 youth show up for the Sunday night Meeting. 15!!! That's awesome.
Then...Monday comes along and bites you in the butt.
I've already been stressing about Chris coming down on Thursday. I just don't want to hurt his feelings in any ways, so that has just been on my mind.
But, get this. I got a couple of emails from my youth in the high school group that are just complaining about how I'm doing my job. They feel left out or included...well, then. Come hang out with us. Make yourself a part of the group. It really just hurt my feelings that I try so hard to make things fun and then I hear something like this that just wasn't expected at all. I thought I stressed before...Now, I just want to cry because that makes me feel like crap.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
How much is Too much?
I totally got 10 hours of sleep last night. It was awesome. I don't know if I was just that tired and worn out, or if there's something wrong with me. I've been under so much stress lately. I'm like my Dad, we just stress over every little thing instead of just letting it all go.
Well I ended up having a long conversation with my Dad last night and then he handed the phone off to Mom so that I could have a long conversation with her. I'm struggling with having to help out my cousin. I don't know the situation, but my Aunt called me about a week ago and asked if I would invite my cousin to stay with my for a weekend just so that she can be around Christians and see what the real world is really like. That's a lot of pressure. What makes me this person that can just fix everything? Apparently my cousin is just having a hard time with life and my Aunt things that spending time with me would plant some kind of seed. I don't live a perfect life, I don't always do what I should do, I'm "sad" a lot of the time. I just don't see what it is about me that my family thinks I can handle something like this. Anyways...that worries me.
Work is also taking a toll on me. I have parents coming up to me with certain matters, I feel I'm focusing more attention to certain youth that others, my confirmation curriculum is just a whole other story, I have to do the service this Sunday, which should be too bad, just another thing to think about. I'm so worried about this National Gathering that the Lutheran Church does every three years. There's one next summer and it's in San Antonio and I'm having a hard time getting people to sign up this early in advanced. I just need a day to myself to just NOT think about anything work related.
Plus, I was unloading my dishwasher this morning and stuck my thumb on a knife and cut myself pretty good. It's just been one of those weeks.
Well I ended up having a long conversation with my Dad last night and then he handed the phone off to Mom so that I could have a long conversation with her. I'm struggling with having to help out my cousin. I don't know the situation, but my Aunt called me about a week ago and asked if I would invite my cousin to stay with my for a weekend just so that she can be around Christians and see what the real world is really like. That's a lot of pressure. What makes me this person that can just fix everything? Apparently my cousin is just having a hard time with life and my Aunt things that spending time with me would plant some kind of seed. I don't live a perfect life, I don't always do what I should do, I'm "sad" a lot of the time. I just don't see what it is about me that my family thinks I can handle something like this. Anyways...that worries me.
Work is also taking a toll on me. I have parents coming up to me with certain matters, I feel I'm focusing more attention to certain youth that others, my confirmation curriculum is just a whole other story, I have to do the service this Sunday, which should be too bad, just another thing to think about. I'm so worried about this National Gathering that the Lutheran Church does every three years. There's one next summer and it's in San Antonio and I'm having a hard time getting people to sign up this early in advanced. I just need a day to myself to just NOT think about anything work related.
Plus, I was unloading my dishwasher this morning and stuck my thumb on a knife and cut myself pretty good. It's just been one of those weeks.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
We Fall Down
I ended up taking the afternoon off to go to Temple. I needed to take my Saturn in to the dealership to have them look at it because it's been making some gross ticking noises whenever I first start it and it continues while I accelerate. But then it stops after I drive for a while. Anyways...of course it doesn't make the ticking noise for them when I have them start it up. So they take it for a test drive and take it up the shop and take it apart. Well, as they were taking it apart they found that I needed new bearing on my back tire, so I replaced that. And the only ticking noise they could find was some bend piece of metal by my exhaust pipe that they just bent back into place. So end up spending like $250.00 and this morning when I get in my VUE to go to work...it's still ticking. Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugh. I'm just going to assume that since they check the whole engine and didn't find anything, that I have nothing to worry about. Let's hope.
I also got to have lunch with Kyle yesterday. We went to Applebee's. I really like having lunch with Kyle because he's just a fun guy. I like having someone that I can be mean and rude and sarcastic too, and still have them hang out with me. But it's all out of love. We had an eating contest with our Quesa-dill-a's. We pretty much tied. I could have one, but I didn't want to make him look bad, so I quit eating when he quit eating. Just kidding...I was totally full.
Lauren, we'll all hang out together sometime and have good times.
I'm also trying this new diet where I eat a lot of cookies. Apparently I lost about 5 pounds somewhere along the way, so I'm going to try and find them...maybe even more. I baked some cookies last night as well to kick off this new plan. I only had about 3 last night...but that's because I had just eatin' dinner. We'll see how this works.
My eye is still twitching too, depending on whether I feel like it or not, I might just stop in to the optomotrist at Wal Mart and ask them what they think is going on. I definitley am always tired, although I get the recommended 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I guess I look at this computer screen too much. But it's just so hard not to.
"We fall down, we lay our crown
At the feet of Jesus
The greatness of His mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus
No more fears, you’ve dried our tears
At the feet of Jesus
Grace abounds to all who’ve found
The feet of Jesus"
I also got to have lunch with Kyle yesterday. We went to Applebee's. I really like having lunch with Kyle because he's just a fun guy. I like having someone that I can be mean and rude and sarcastic too, and still have them hang out with me. But it's all out of love. We had an eating contest with our Quesa-dill-a's. We pretty much tied. I could have one, but I didn't want to make him look bad, so I quit eating when he quit eating. Just kidding...I was totally full.
Lauren, we'll all hang out together sometime and have good times.
I'm also trying this new diet where I eat a lot of cookies. Apparently I lost about 5 pounds somewhere along the way, so I'm going to try and find them...maybe even more. I baked some cookies last night as well to kick off this new plan. I only had about 3 last night...but that's because I had just eatin' dinner. We'll see how this works.
My eye is still twitching too, depending on whether I feel like it or not, I might just stop in to the optomotrist at Wal Mart and ask them what they think is going on. I definitley am always tired, although I get the recommended 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I guess I look at this computer screen too much. But it's just so hard not to.
"We fall down, we lay our crown
At the feet of Jesus
The greatness of His mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus
No more fears, you’ve dried our tears
At the feet of Jesus
Grace abounds to all who’ve found
The feet of Jesus"
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
What's it About?
Crazy things that have been happening:
* I've been feeling the urge to dress more like a girl these past couple of days. Weird. Like today, I actually wore heels to work. Now, I don't really know what I was thinking on that one, but these were the ONLY shoes that would have worked with the out fit. It sure does make me feel better when I actually dress nice. I guess this is my way to making myself feel good.
* My neighbor made/brought me dinner last night. It was awesome...steak and some kind of avocado salad. Delicious. He said he would have invited me over to eat. But now that his ex-wife moved back in with him, he's not allowed to invite girls over. Which is wierd, I mean come on, he's like 53 years old. Like something was really going to happen. Why are girls like that. I could be her daughter too...
*I was talking to Chris last night while I was laying in bed. I was hearing some strange noises in my apartment. That was the first time in the whole year and half I've been living by myself, that I was actually a little freaked out. So he was trying to be funny and make it worse...that made me mad and then I almost called him Matt.Tthe 'M-A' was out of my mouth and then I caught myself and said Chris. That could have been bad. I can't believe I almost dropped that. The names don't even sound the same, but the whole time I'm talking to him, I'm think Matt Matt Matt Matt....Aaaauuuuuuuu
*My right eye has been twitching like crazy for the past 4 days. It's getting a little annoying. So I went on the internet to diagnose myself. So far the only thing I learned is that it's probably because I look at the computer screen all day, I'm always tired and my eyes don't have time to rest. Which means if it doesn't stop, I may have to go to an eye doctor and get some reading/computer glasses. That's just more money I would have to spend. Plus my car is still making awful noises and I'm going to need new tired pretty soon as well.
Lots of stuff going on...
Monday, September 19, 2005
This is Our World
What a weekend. I'm just spent. I could sleep for days. I have gross bags under my eyes...that hasn't happened in a while.
The weekend was just jammed with stuff. My meetings on Thursday and Friday evening were pretty much pointless to an extent. I could rip my hair out sometimes. But I got to spend the night with my friend Courtney on Friday. That was good for us. We hardly get to see each other any more.
Saturday was a wedding shower for an old family friend. That was fun to see all of them again. But it was an evening one, so I didn't stay long because I had to be back that night because of church the next day. So it was just a little rushed. I got pulled over on the way back in San Marcos. I thought it was because I was talking on the phone and going 13 miles over the recommended speed. NO. It was because I was driving in the left hand lane and not letting the people going faster than 13 miles over pass. WHAT?!! I wasn't paying attention to that, I was distracted by my phone conversation. Whatever...the cop was nice and just let me go with a spoken warning. Not even a paper warning. I guess it helps to be cute!! Just kidding.
Sunday was a good day as well. Got to see lots of friends. My best friend Becca is pregnant. That's exciting. She's going to be an amazing mother. I love her too much. But now I'm in the funk where, not only are ALL my friends getting married, but they're starting a family. I'll just quietly sulk. Not really. I'm super happy for all of them.
But you want more news? Here it is. Matt was in Dallas Again this past week...not even an email to say..."hey I'm in Texas". Jerk. Not reall, he's really nice when he sends me emails. Whatever.
Talked with Chris last night and he bought a plane ticket to come see me the last weekend in September. That's exciting. It should be fun, but I keep thinking...why put ourselves through this when we already established the fact that there won't be a future between us. Well, I guess we'll just see what happens.
"This is our world.
It's not his, or her's or mine.
This is our world.
Don't you think it's time we started living like what we know."
-Ryan Davenport
The weekend was just jammed with stuff. My meetings on Thursday and Friday evening were pretty much pointless to an extent. I could rip my hair out sometimes. But I got to spend the night with my friend Courtney on Friday. That was good for us. We hardly get to see each other any more.
Saturday was a wedding shower for an old family friend. That was fun to see all of them again. But it was an evening one, so I didn't stay long because I had to be back that night because of church the next day. So it was just a little rushed. I got pulled over on the way back in San Marcos. I thought it was because I was talking on the phone and going 13 miles over the recommended speed. NO. It was because I was driving in the left hand lane and not letting the people going faster than 13 miles over pass. WHAT?!! I wasn't paying attention to that, I was distracted by my phone conversation. Whatever...the cop was nice and just let me go with a spoken warning. Not even a paper warning. I guess it helps to be cute!! Just kidding.
Sunday was a good day as well. Got to see lots of friends. My best friend Becca is pregnant. That's exciting. She's going to be an amazing mother. I love her too much. But now I'm in the funk where, not only are ALL my friends getting married, but they're starting a family. I'll just quietly sulk. Not really. I'm super happy for all of them.
But you want more news? Here it is. Matt was in Dallas Again this past week...not even an email to say..."hey I'm in Texas". Jerk. Not reall, he's really nice when he sends me emails. Whatever.
Talked with Chris last night and he bought a plane ticket to come see me the last weekend in September. That's exciting. It should be fun, but I keep thinking...why put ourselves through this when we already established the fact that there won't be a future between us. Well, I guess we'll just see what happens.
"This is our world.
It's not his, or her's or mine.
This is our world.
Don't you think it's time we started living like what we know."
-Ryan Davenport
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I don't mean to Brag
While I was having dinner with Julie and her family the other night (she's my Bible Study leader) she asked me if I work out. Now, this is not the first time I have been asked this question. I looked at her with one of my usually "funny" expressions, and said 'Of course I don't work out'. She was amazed. Her reply was "your arms are just that well defined". Being unaware of the circumstances, I just said I guess.
I have never noticed if my arm are toned or if my stomach is flat...that's just how my body is. I've heard it before from others, but I always just brush it off. But now I'm a little excited that people notice...is that weird? I guess that gives people more reason to be pissed to because I don't have to work at my appearances...well, maybe I work on my hair and my face but not the hard stuff. Now, I'm not trying to sound cocky by any means...it's just nice to be complimented.
I talked with Chris last night as well. We always end up talking way too late and then I'm always tired the next day. Funny thing I noticed last night: I lay in my bed as I talk on the phone with him, and it's usually late, so all the lights are off that way all I have to do is hang up the phone and go to sleep. OK, so you know how if you see a bright like and you close your eyes, there's that image of something on the back of your eyelids...well last night, as I was hanging up the phone and checking the time, the back light seemed extra bright. So I put the phone away and shut my eyes...you know what the image was in my eyes....a heart. It was so weird. Kind of sweet.
Well, this is going to be a busy weekend. Going home for a wedding shower for an old family friend and then Sunday I'm going to Lutherstock. It's a couple of Christian bands that get together for a show out at the summer camp that we go to every year. It's for my high school kids. I'm excited...Ryan is going to be playing solo as one of the acts. Yea...I always like listening to him sing.
I have never noticed if my arm are toned or if my stomach is flat...that's just how my body is. I've heard it before from others, but I always just brush it off. But now I'm a little excited that people notice...is that weird? I guess that gives people more reason to be pissed to because I don't have to work at my appearances...well, maybe I work on my hair and my face but not the hard stuff. Now, I'm not trying to sound cocky by any means...it's just nice to be complimented.
I talked with Chris last night as well. We always end up talking way too late and then I'm always tired the next day. Funny thing I noticed last night: I lay in my bed as I talk on the phone with him, and it's usually late, so all the lights are off that way all I have to do is hang up the phone and go to sleep. OK, so you know how if you see a bright like and you close your eyes, there's that image of something on the back of your eyelids...well last night, as I was hanging up the phone and checking the time, the back light seemed extra bright. So I put the phone away and shut my eyes...you know what the image was in my eyes....a heart. It was so weird. Kind of sweet.
Well, this is going to be a busy weekend. Going home for a wedding shower for an old family friend and then Sunday I'm going to Lutherstock. It's a couple of Christian bands that get together for a show out at the summer camp that we go to every year. It's for my high school kids. I'm excited...Ryan is going to be playing solo as one of the acts. Yea...I always like listening to him sing.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
How are you?
I just finished having snacks with the quilting ladies. Every Wednesday at 10:00, there are some kind of goodies being served. Yum!
I noticed that whenever someone asks me "How are you?". I ALWAYS smile and say "I'm good" "Things are wonderful" "Fantastic" and so on.
Why is that? Is it just an instinct? Because then I feel bad because it's usually a type of lie. I'm not always good, I just don't want people to know that I'm not doing as good as I should be...
I noticed that whenever someone asks me "How are you?". I ALWAYS smile and say "I'm good" "Things are wonderful" "Fantastic" and so on.
Why is that? Is it just an instinct? Because then I feel bad because it's usually a type of lie. I'm not always good, I just don't want people to know that I'm not doing as good as I should be...
Holding on by Letting go...
I had dinner with my Bible Study leader and her family last night. That was nice to just be in a home and hang out with someone. This is going to be a stressful couple days ahead of me. I'm on a planning team for a high school gathering at the end of December and for some reason whenever we meet it takes about 3 or 4 hours. I HATE it. Mostly because I didn't really volunteer to do anything...people just ASSUMED that I would help. So we have a big meeting Thursday night, which makes me mad because I wanted to go to a Bible Study. Hopefully, I'll still go, I'll just be super late. Then we have another one on Friday night. Who plans meetings on Friday nights? I had plans to go home friday afternoon, but now I have to wait until about 5:00 for the meeting which could quite possibly last a couple hours, before I leave. Whatever.
Life just makes me want to scream right now....
I could quite possibly be the most ridiculous girl in the world. Why do I still have these ridiculously strong feelings for someone that is so far away and doesn't even try to make any kind of contact with me. How can someone be attracted to someone like that? Seriously? Is it just my sick way of torchering myself? I mean come on...It's been like over three months since I've even talked to this guy, but in all seriousness, he still pops into my mind daily. Why am I putting myself through this. I have my good days...but I guess today is just a bad day. I'm better than this. I think of him and I think of all the wonderful and sweet things he did for me, but that's all I focus on. I keep looking past the fact that he doesn't care....
I guess all the emotions are coming back because I know what Chris is going through. But come on. At least I still keep a friendship with him and talk about what's going on and what's going to happen. Shit, Matt just dropped me like a bag of shit. I need to just quit being a girl and move on. So why is it so hard for me? I don't know.
"Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you"
-The All American Rejects
Life just makes me want to scream right now....
I could quite possibly be the most ridiculous girl in the world. Why do I still have these ridiculously strong feelings for someone that is so far away and doesn't even try to make any kind of contact with me. How can someone be attracted to someone like that? Seriously? Is it just my sick way of torchering myself? I mean come on...It's been like over three months since I've even talked to this guy, but in all seriousness, he still pops into my mind daily. Why am I putting myself through this. I have my good days...but I guess today is just a bad day. I'm better than this. I think of him and I think of all the wonderful and sweet things he did for me, but that's all I focus on. I keep looking past the fact that he doesn't care....
I guess all the emotions are coming back because I know what Chris is going through. But come on. At least I still keep a friendship with him and talk about what's going on and what's going to happen. Shit, Matt just dropped me like a bag of shit. I need to just quit being a girl and move on. So why is it so hard for me? I don't know.
"Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you"
-The All American Rejects
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Where does my strength Come from?
Sometimes I just get so confused about all sorts of stuff. Stuff that should be confusing, stuff that should be easy. I was talking with Chris last night for a long time and we were discussing our "situation" that we are in. We've only been talking for a couple of weeks and spend two full days together and already he's telling me he has these feelings for me. In my mind I'm thinking "What?...we haven't even known each other that long, how can you feel this way already?" But then I think...that's exactly how it was when Matt came down. I fell head over heels when I first saw him at the airport and have had a very difficult time with him not wanting anything to do with me right now.
Weird how stuff like that happens. It's the same situation, but turned around. I mean, I do like Chris, we had a great time together when I was in Sturgeon Bay. But I'm trying to be realistic about the situation. I don't want to put myself through any of this again, with the whole long distance. Because I know reality says that nothing can come of this that can lead to a future together. I won't move to Wisconsin and he won't move to Texas...so it's fun for now, but why put ourselves through whole ordeal of "feelings" when we could be finding someone closer to us. And now I'm thinking...I would have dropped everything and moved to Detroit if Matt would have asked me to. Why is that? I guess I was just infatuated with the idea.
I'm thinking once I find that "ONE" person, it won't be this hard. Things will just work out and I won't have to question anything about what I'm feeling. Things will just be right. Right? Of course.
I guess I just need to live right now and do my job because this is my place right now. Working in Georgetown at this awesome church and just being BECKY for now. My day will come...
"I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
creator of the earth
oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer
so I will wait for You
to come and rescue me
to come and give me life"
-Kutless
Weird how stuff like that happens. It's the same situation, but turned around. I mean, I do like Chris, we had a great time together when I was in Sturgeon Bay. But I'm trying to be realistic about the situation. I don't want to put myself through any of this again, with the whole long distance. Because I know reality says that nothing can come of this that can lead to a future together. I won't move to Wisconsin and he won't move to Texas...so it's fun for now, but why put ourselves through whole ordeal of "feelings" when we could be finding someone closer to us. And now I'm thinking...I would have dropped everything and moved to Detroit if Matt would have asked me to. Why is that? I guess I was just infatuated with the idea.
I'm thinking once I find that "ONE" person, it won't be this hard. Things will just work out and I won't have to question anything about what I'm feeling. Things will just be right. Right? Of course.
I guess I just need to live right now and do my job because this is my place right now. Working in Georgetown at this awesome church and just being BECKY for now. My day will come...
"I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
creator of the earth
oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer
so I will wait for You
to come and rescue me
to come and give me life"
-Kutless
Monday, September 12, 2005
Back to Texas
Well...I'm back from my journey to the North. I had an awesome time. Wisconsin is just a very beautiful state...at least the parts that I went to. Lots of farms and silo's and cows. A little chilly for the beginning of September, but it was really nice.
I saw a lot of the neat sites around Lake Michigan. That is so beautiful. I didn't realize how large that lake really is. It looks like the ocean. You can stand and look at it, and not see land in front of you. I'm not used to Lakes being that large. And the water was clear, you could see down to the bottom...I guess Texas just isn't that clean. Then we just checked out all the small touristy towns up there, saw goats on a rooftop at one of the restaurants, played some mini-golf...Yes, I won. Then we had dinner at his parents house. Apparently they had just been dying to meet me. They were a really sweet family.
Chris was awesome too. We had a great time hanging out, we got along really nicely. He owns a Harley Davidson, so Friday we spent all day riding that. We drove it into Green Bay, which is about an hour away. We checked out the Green Bay Packers Stadium. There was a caged Grizzly Bear there...that was unexpected. Pretty neat. The rest of the time, when we weren't site-seeing, we were just hanging out watching movies or tv. Not real exciting...but just hanging out time.
It was sort of hard to leave on Saturday morning. But I was strong. I really didn't want to put myself through another "Matt" situation. Because that seriously killed. I do like Chris and we get along great, but I just can't make myself "fall" for someone again that is so far away. Knowing something could never come of it, is just pointless to try, right? I don't think I could ever leave Texas...and I know for a fact he could never leave Wisconsin.
But it's nice to have that friendship with someone far away. He'll most likely come to Texas sometime and we'll hang out, and maybe I'll go back to Wisconsin. I don't know what the future holds. At least he still calls me once I left. Not like some other out-of-state person I know. Anyways...it was a great trip.
But when it comes to relationships...I think I'm going to need to start looking a little closer to my area. At least try and stay in Texas :)
check out the rest of my pictures: http://beckyalynpics.blogspot.com/
I saw a lot of the neat sites around Lake Michigan. That is so beautiful. I didn't realize how large that lake really is. It looks like the ocean. You can stand and look at it, and not see land in front of you. I'm not used to Lakes being that large. And the water was clear, you could see down to the bottom...I guess Texas just isn't that clean. Then we just checked out all the small touristy towns up there, saw goats on a rooftop at one of the restaurants, played some mini-golf...Yes, I won. Then we had dinner at his parents house. Apparently they had just been dying to meet me. They were a really sweet family.
Chris was awesome too. We had a great time hanging out, we got along really nicely. He owns a Harley Davidson, so Friday we spent all day riding that. We drove it into Green Bay, which is about an hour away. We checked out the Green Bay Packers Stadium. There was a caged Grizzly Bear there...that was unexpected. Pretty neat. The rest of the time, when we weren't site-seeing, we were just hanging out watching movies or tv. Not real exciting...but just hanging out time.
It was sort of hard to leave on Saturday morning. But I was strong. I really didn't want to put myself through another "Matt" situation. Because that seriously killed. I do like Chris and we get along great, but I just can't make myself "fall" for someone again that is so far away. Knowing something could never come of it, is just pointless to try, right? I don't think I could ever leave Texas...and I know for a fact he could never leave Wisconsin.
But it's nice to have that friendship with someone far away. He'll most likely come to Texas sometime and we'll hang out, and maybe I'll go back to Wisconsin. I don't know what the future holds. At least he still calls me once I left. Not like some other out-of-state person I know. Anyways...it was a great trip.
But when it comes to relationships...I think I'm going to need to start looking a little closer to my area. At least try and stay in Texas :)
check out the rest of my pictures: http://beckyalynpics.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
This is It
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!
I'm getting so nervous. But I am so excited to go to Wisconsin. That should be neat.
I was talking with Christ last night and he was telling me that his mother already had this huge dinner planned for tonight when I get there with the whole family. I am so glad that Chris got me out of that one. I'm sure they're wonderful people...but that's not really something I want to do right away. That would be a little intimidating. So we'll just hang out together tonight. That should be a little more pleasant.
I still don't really know what he looks like. So I'm going to get to Green Bay and just look around. He know's what I look like, so at least he'll know what to look for. Mary (his cousin that goes to my church) told me to just look for a hot guy with dark hair...That could be anyone.
OK...I'm outta here. Pray for me as I make this journey by myself.
(Lauren...I'll talk to you soon, OK)
I'm getting so nervous. But I am so excited to go to Wisconsin. That should be neat.
I was talking with Christ last night and he was telling me that his mother already had this huge dinner planned for tonight when I get there with the whole family. I am so glad that Chris got me out of that one. I'm sure they're wonderful people...but that's not really something I want to do right away. That would be a little intimidating. So we'll just hang out together tonight. That should be a little more pleasant.
I still don't really know what he looks like. So I'm going to get to Green Bay and just look around. He know's what I look like, so at least he'll know what to look for. Mary (his cousin that goes to my church) told me to just look for a hot guy with dark hair...That could be anyone.
OK...I'm outta here. Pray for me as I make this journey by myself.
(Lauren...I'll talk to you soon, OK)
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Had A Blast
This weekend was awesome. Something that i was looking forward to and it was great. I got to see all my extended family on Saturday. We had a huge Bar-B-Que with everyone, which was great. I really love my family. Plus my cousins have little kids and they're always fun to play with.
I also got to go home this weekend. My whole family was there...all 6 of us. That was awesome. We haven't all been at the house together at one time since Christmas morning. Well, my two older brother's and I went to the Falls City Church Picnic on Sunday which was good times. It was just a good day. Lots of people that we all went to high school with were there, so we all got to play catch up. Beer and Barbeque...can't beat that. Then on Monday we were all back at the house together. We had a huge hamburger lunch. It was weird to all be around the same table we grew up eating around togher. Then we just sat outside. We do that a lot. Just sit on the back porch telling stories. I even found a copperhead snake in the yard and got to watch my dad and my brother Andy chop it up.
Anyways...it was just great to be home for a while and have everyone there. That just doesn't happen much anymore.
I also got to go home this weekend. My whole family was there...all 6 of us. That was awesome. We haven't all been at the house together at one time since Christmas morning. Well, my two older brother's and I went to the Falls City Church Picnic on Sunday which was good times. It was just a good day. Lots of people that we all went to high school with were there, so we all got to play catch up. Beer and Barbeque...can't beat that. Then on Monday we were all back at the house together. We had a huge hamburger lunch. It was weird to all be around the same table we grew up eating around togher. Then we just sat outside. We do that a lot. Just sit on the back porch telling stories. I even found a copperhead snake in the yard and got to watch my dad and my brother Andy chop it up.
Anyways...it was just great to be home for a while and have everyone there. That just doesn't happen much anymore.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Am I Crazy??!!!
Seriously, am I?
I just purchased a plane ticket to fly to Wisconsin next Wednesday...
I must be out of my mind. OK...so Yes, I did have a guy fly out to see me...but that's different. Now, I'm flying out to see a guy. I've only talked to him like three times on the phone too. That's ridiculous. I guess it can't be that bad. His cousin goes to my church and can vouch for him, but still. It's a little nerve racking for me to do that.
Plus that means I have to fly by myself. That's going to be just as scary. And layovers...they're only like 35 minutes...I sure hope that's enough time to get from one terminal to the next.
Maybe I should just stop thinking of everything that can go wrong and just have fun with it.
I just talked to my cousin about it, I asked if he could drive me to the airport. I told him the story and he was just blown away that I would be doing something like this.
At least I'll have a neat story to tell...right?
I just purchased a plane ticket to fly to Wisconsin next Wednesday...
I must be out of my mind. OK...so Yes, I did have a guy fly out to see me...but that's different. Now, I'm flying out to see a guy. I've only talked to him like three times on the phone too. That's ridiculous. I guess it can't be that bad. His cousin goes to my church and can vouch for him, but still. It's a little nerve racking for me to do that.
Plus that means I have to fly by myself. That's going to be just as scary. And layovers...they're only like 35 minutes...I sure hope that's enough time to get from one terminal to the next.
Maybe I should just stop thinking of everything that can go wrong and just have fun with it.
I just talked to my cousin about it, I asked if he could drive me to the airport. I told him the story and he was just blown away that I would be doing something like this.
At least I'll have a neat story to tell...right?
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