If I could somehow keep all my memories locked up somewhere so that they would never leave, I would. I have so many little 'trinkets', if you will, of small but important/interesting moments in my life. I have my grafiti shirt from a party in college that has quotes that my friends and I would say to each other.
I have a rose made out of a napkin that a "friend" gave me when I transfered to TLU.
I have a beanie that I took from a friend at a high school party.
And you know what's gross...I have a bottle of milk in my fridge that I bought in May that I haven't had the heart to throw out because it reminds me of someone...YUCK.
I even have the posty note on my kitchen table that told me that day and time of when Matt was coming in to visit me. May 26, 4:20.
There's more little things that I keep that remind me of certain occassions.
What makes people do that? I hate having these little "triggers". They usually take me to a "happier" place in my life. But at the same time it makes me sad because it reminds me of how things "used" to be. I realize that life isn't always going to be Rainbows and Sunshine, but why not just enjoy what I have now. I shouldn't let the past happy memories make me unhappy- I should just be happy that they happened. Then make more happy memories. Sometimes that's easier said than done...but it shouldn't be. I should just clean out my place and rid myself of: An empty package envelope that's sitting behind my couch, the milk bottle in my fridge, a shot glass from Houston, an old email that I keep in my pillow case.
This email used to always put a smile on my face. It was this great email about how just thinking about me would put a smile on this person's face. And hot it's nice to share things with someone else, or little things people like about me. An ameail that made me so happy and wanted...and now just makes me sad when I read it...yet I just can't throw it out. What's wrong with me? I just liked knowing someone had these great thoughts about me. But really, I only liked knowing that this certain person had these thoughts. It sometimes creeps me out when other people talk like that to me. ( I guess it's my self-esteem issues). But this guy was just different...
Aaaaahhhh, get off the subject Becky....
So I had an awesome weekend. My oldest brother came into Austin to visit some of his friends from high school. I got to tag along. Yea...I love those guys. It was me and about 6 guys and we all went to 6th street. It was great. Just hanging out and talking. One of his friends, who is married and has two childresn is about to get deployed in two weeks. So it was kind of a "last Hoo-Raw" for all of them. And as I was leaving and giving this guy a hug...He kept saying, "this will probably be the last time I see you." Now that is a statement that you don't want to hear, even if it is true. It's really a sad way to end things. Put's a damper on situations. I'll just pray for his safety to come home to his young family.
"It's the little things that make us who we are"
Monday, October 31, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
No Title
I always seem to come up with these profound and interesting things to write about in my blog right before I fall asleep. I keep thinking, I can't wait to right about this and it's going to be a good one. And by the time I wake up in the morning, my mind is blank and nothing comes to me. I hate that. I guess I'll have to start making notes of my thoughts as I lay in bed. Then I'll have something clever to write about and then people will think I'm an interesting person...
Yesterday was a good day. I actually got work done and I was busy all day. Of course I still checked my email and my myspace account about 30 times, but I also did something productive at work. I left early to work on some stuff at Starbucks. It's just nice to get a change of scenery while I work. Plus, Kyle met me up there so I didn't have to sit there alone. I can do certain things alone and I probably could have sat at a coffee shop alone, but it still nice to have someone there, even if we're not talking. But of course I got distracted and only did a little bit of work while I was there (I did get work done though), and ended up talking and doing cross word puzzles. Then when "work" was finished Kyle and I did some hanging out...watching I LOVE the 80's on VH1. Good times...interesting things happened in the 80's. Mesh shirts, head bands, Rocky Movies, Rambo, Weird Al, Tylenol and much more.
I also got to have dinner with his family. Weird. But it was nice. I really like having family style meals. Growing up, all six of us wouls ALWAYS have dinner together...every night. I miss that. I usually eat by myself up here, so I really enjoyed getting to eat with a family. Plus, they were all great people. Makes me that much more excited about going home for Thanksgiving. What a great holiday, you get to see all your family, have a great meal, give thanks for everything you have, and you don't have to buy presents for anyone. It's just a perfect holiday.
21 days till I go to Nashville for a Youth Worker's conventions!!!
Yesterday was a good day. I actually got work done and I was busy all day. Of course I still checked my email and my myspace account about 30 times, but I also did something productive at work. I left early to work on some stuff at Starbucks. It's just nice to get a change of scenery while I work. Plus, Kyle met me up there so I didn't have to sit there alone. I can do certain things alone and I probably could have sat at a coffee shop alone, but it still nice to have someone there, even if we're not talking. But of course I got distracted and only did a little bit of work while I was there (I did get work done though), and ended up talking and doing cross word puzzles. Then when "work" was finished Kyle and I did some hanging out...watching I LOVE the 80's on VH1. Good times...interesting things happened in the 80's. Mesh shirts, head bands, Rocky Movies, Rambo, Weird Al, Tylenol and much more.
I also got to have dinner with his family. Weird. But it was nice. I really like having family style meals. Growing up, all six of us wouls ALWAYS have dinner together...every night. I miss that. I usually eat by myself up here, so I really enjoyed getting to eat with a family. Plus, they were all great people. Makes me that much more excited about going home for Thanksgiving. What a great holiday, you get to see all your family, have a great meal, give thanks for everything you have, and you don't have to buy presents for anyone. It's just a perfect holiday.
21 days till I go to Nashville for a Youth Worker's conventions!!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
What I DON'T Like
I really don't like it when random guys I don't know tell me that I'm hot. I don't know why, it just makes me really uneasy to know that there are guys out there saying, "hey, check out this hot girl". Then have the nerve to write me an email telling me how hot they think I am. Does that really work for them? Or for you ladies, does it work for you when a guys tells you how good you look? Maybe I'm in the minority on this one, but I just don't like when guys I don't know compliment me. I have a hard enough time taking compliments from guys that I do know. At least with the guys I know, they're being genuine...or at least have a little sincerity in their statement.
So for all you guys out there...lay off the silly compliments until later on. Just be yourself.
Ghost of a Good Things
I picked up a book the other night to try and put me to sleep. I have this book about the proper way to date as a Christian. I really don't agree with a lot of the stuff said in the book, but it did put my to sleep like I had planned. There was one quote in the book that really stook out to me. It's from some book that Matthew Henry wrote:
"Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him."
Isn't that a sweet way to look at creation? I like to think it is. I don't really have much to say about it, just that it got me thinking and I really like it.
"Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him, neither out of his feet to be trampled by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him."
Isn't that a sweet way to look at creation? I like to think it is. I don't really have much to say about it, just that it got me thinking and I really like it.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Come in Last and Reach for First
I had an absolutely wonderful weekend. It was busy and non-stop, but it was great. I stayed with a couple of teenage girls this weekend because their parents were out of town. We had a blast. We went bowling, painted pottery, went to the movies, went out to eat and then did a lot of hanging out. It really helped that they were two wonderful girls.
But I also decided that I'm not ready to be a mother just yet. Not that they were hard to "take care" of, it's just that since they were in my care, I was worrying the whole time. I shouldn't have, but I did. I hope I don't turn out to be an over protective mother, but I'm really scared I will be. But I'll worry about that when the time comes. Plus, I also had to watch what I said or what I wore and how I acted. I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I like how it is now, I get to hang out with the awesome people in my youth group and then have them go to their own home at the end of the day.
But I also decided that I'm not ready to be a mother just yet. Not that they were hard to "take care" of, it's just that since they were in my care, I was worrying the whole time. I shouldn't have, but I did. I hope I don't turn out to be an over protective mother, but I'm really scared I will be. But I'll worry about that when the time comes. Plus, I also had to watch what I said or what I wore and how I acted. I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. I like how it is now, I get to hang out with the awesome people in my youth group and then have them go to their own home at the end of the day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Who are We?
Who are we really? Are we who we are behind closed doors? Are we who we are in front of friends, relatives, coworkers? I think we all have many faces, and we wear them around certain people and during certain circumstances.
Around my friends I am a very independent person. Strong-willed and I know what I want. Mostly I'm just all talk. I talk like I'm a Bad-Ass, when really I'm as weak as a kitten. I'm very strong when I need to be. I'm also very sensitive around them I can show them my emotions and am always happy when with friends.
When I'm around my family - I show all my faces. I'm very vulnerable when with them. I'm not scared to cry about my life to them or share my deepest problems. I'm so comfortable and feel so safe around my family that I can share just about every emotion.
I had a conversation with a friend a while back and he told me that hanging out with me is completely different than his perception of me when I write in this blog. When I'm alone, I am a very sad person, I have my reasons and I know why I'm sad - I've just always cried easily. He said he would never have suspected that because I act very strong and stable around him - and around everyone else.
Does that mean there are two different me's? Maybe there's really 10 or 15 me's. We all act differently in different situations. I guess it's just how we handle ourselves that make us who we really are.
As long as we have our convictions. I am one person. I am one person who loves her family and friends and wants the best for them. I am one person who wants to be a certain way for certain people so that I can know they only see...the best of me.
I only want people to see me as a stong woman who can survive on her own and doesn't need to see the vulnerable and scared side of her.
"You say hello,
inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight,
in my mind I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart,
And I don't know."
-Butch Walker
Around my friends I am a very independent person. Strong-willed and I know what I want. Mostly I'm just all talk. I talk like I'm a Bad-Ass, when really I'm as weak as a kitten. I'm very strong when I need to be. I'm also very sensitive around them I can show them my emotions and am always happy when with friends.
When I'm around my family - I show all my faces. I'm very vulnerable when with them. I'm not scared to cry about my life to them or share my deepest problems. I'm so comfortable and feel so safe around my family that I can share just about every emotion.
I had a conversation with a friend a while back and he told me that hanging out with me is completely different than his perception of me when I write in this blog. When I'm alone, I am a very sad person, I have my reasons and I know why I'm sad - I've just always cried easily. He said he would never have suspected that because I act very strong and stable around him - and around everyone else.
Does that mean there are two different me's? Maybe there's really 10 or 15 me's. We all act differently in different situations. I guess it's just how we handle ourselves that make us who we really are.
As long as we have our convictions. I am one person. I am one person who loves her family and friends and wants the best for them. I am one person who wants to be a certain way for certain people so that I can know they only see...the best of me.
I only want people to see me as a stong woman who can survive on her own and doesn't need to see the vulnerable and scared side of her.
"You say hello,
inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight,
in my mind I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart,
And I don't know."
-Butch Walker
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Aaaaaaa.....So.....Tired.....
Wow...it's getting harder and harder to do stuff in a weekend. I try to fit so many things in that I just wear myself out. Friday was packed with shopping with a friend and going to Volley Ball games. Saturday was going to San Antonio for a lunch and then back for a Halloween festival for church. San Antonio is just too far to drive just for lunch. But it was for family so I'm glad I went. I picked up my cousin in Austin and brought him along. He's really enjoyable to talk to. I never realized that growing up. I guess we're both at that age where we can be friends.
I also got a phone call last night at about 3:15 a.m. Usually I don't answer those calls because it's my friends being stupid. But I listened to the voice message that was left and it sounded sad...so I called back. It was a friend from college that was just having a hard time dealing with certain circumstances in his life. As a guy, I think it's hard for them to open up...especially to another guy friend. So I was honored that he thought to call me to talk. But at the same time it makes me feel just like the "girl next door" because I'm the one that people feel comfortable talking to. They know I won't judge them and they know I'm a sincere person. But it also hurts because that's all I'm going to be to a lot of my friends...just that girl that they can talk to.
It shouldn't bother me because I love that people see me that way. That they value what I have to say. I've always considered myself a good friend. And it just goes to show that I am...I haven't seen this guy in over a year, but he still chose me out of all of his friends to call and pour his heart out too. It was a very emotional conversation, very draining. So after about an hour of talking we decided to hang up. Well, of course I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was just racing with different thought about his life and about my life and what we're both doing. I seriously couldn't sleep. I got off the phone at 4:00 and I was still tossing and turning at 7:00...that sucks because I had to get up at 7:45. I'm just really worn out today.
I had to take my middle schoolers to Marble Falls to do a Corn Maze, which was awesome. And now I'm about to meet with my High Schoolers. I'm just ready to get to sleep. I definitely need a vacation after today.
I also got a phone call last night at about 3:15 a.m. Usually I don't answer those calls because it's my friends being stupid. But I listened to the voice message that was left and it sounded sad...so I called back. It was a friend from college that was just having a hard time dealing with certain circumstances in his life. As a guy, I think it's hard for them to open up...especially to another guy friend. So I was honored that he thought to call me to talk. But at the same time it makes me feel just like the "girl next door" because I'm the one that people feel comfortable talking to. They know I won't judge them and they know I'm a sincere person. But it also hurts because that's all I'm going to be to a lot of my friends...just that girl that they can talk to.
It shouldn't bother me because I love that people see me that way. That they value what I have to say. I've always considered myself a good friend. And it just goes to show that I am...I haven't seen this guy in over a year, but he still chose me out of all of his friends to call and pour his heart out too. It was a very emotional conversation, very draining. So after about an hour of talking we decided to hang up. Well, of course I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was just racing with different thought about his life and about my life and what we're both doing. I seriously couldn't sleep. I got off the phone at 4:00 and I was still tossing and turning at 7:00...that sucks because I had to get up at 7:45. I'm just really worn out today.
I had to take my middle schoolers to Marble Falls to do a Corn Maze, which was awesome. And now I'm about to meet with my High Schoolers. I'm just ready to get to sleep. I definitely need a vacation after today.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Mmmmm....Mocha Frappacino
I absolutely love getting coffee with Lauren. It always turns into a TWO HOUR social of boy talk. I guess it's not ALL about boys, but I would say a good 92% is boy related. We throw some work related stuff in every now and then. But mostly it's just fun talk about what's going on in our lives. We're on the path of finding a person that we can share the rest of our lives with, we learn from our mistakes and try to move on.
I've noticed that I have a criteria that I use when it comes to guys...what kind of person I want to be with and whenever they don't meat one of those criteria, it's kind of like...OK, NEXT. I shouldn't be so judgmental...maybe the person I have outlined for me isn't who I'm supposed to be with. Here is what I look for:
*Christian...preferably Lutheran, but I think can handle something other than that. (I grew up in a house where my parents where different religions, it was hard, but it works)
*Tall...preferably like 5'10" to like 6'4". I don't know, I've just always had a thing for really tall guys.
*Non-Smoker
*Dark hair. That's a little picky, but I do, I like darker hair.
*In a band. That's kind of just a bonus, I like rockers, tattoos, black clothes...all that fun stuff.
*Pretty. I'm a sucker for pretty boys.
*Nice teeth. Smiles are just so captivating, I would like to look at a nice one.
*Strong forearms. I just have a thing for them, I don't know.
*Sarcastic...I can't take sweetness all the time.
*Funny, good sense of humor, will make fun of me or others.
*Good job, hopefully has a college education. I don't want to be the bread winner.
*Someone that doesn't want me to dress up all the time and look skanky.
Now there have been three boys in my life that actually fit all these things. Two I sort of dated and the other one, I just have a huge crush on. I think I only have a crush on him because he has all those qualities that I listed not because he's HOT or anything...well, he is hot, but I noticed that after I became his friend.
But I'm so bad about finding the faults in guys because they don't have a certain quality that I've always thought I wanted. What if God doesn't want me to be with someone like I described above? What if I'm supposed to be with someone completely opposite of that? Would I just push them away because they don't fit my outline? I hope not. I'm assuming when that right person comes along it'll be easy and I'll just be like...you're the one. I guess I won't know until it happens, but as a girl...I think about that all the time. Maybe I need to change my "what I look for in a guy" list...
I don't know.
I've noticed that I have a criteria that I use when it comes to guys...what kind of person I want to be with and whenever they don't meat one of those criteria, it's kind of like...OK, NEXT. I shouldn't be so judgmental...maybe the person I have outlined for me isn't who I'm supposed to be with. Here is what I look for:
*Christian...preferably Lutheran, but I think can handle something other than that. (I grew up in a house where my parents where different religions, it was hard, but it works)
*Tall...preferably like 5'10" to like 6'4". I don't know, I've just always had a thing for really tall guys.
*Non-Smoker
*Dark hair. That's a little picky, but I do, I like darker hair.
*In a band. That's kind of just a bonus, I like rockers, tattoos, black clothes...all that fun stuff.
*Pretty. I'm a sucker for pretty boys.
*Nice teeth. Smiles are just so captivating, I would like to look at a nice one.
*Strong forearms. I just have a thing for them, I don't know.
*Sarcastic...I can't take sweetness all the time.
*Funny, good sense of humor, will make fun of me or others.
*Good job, hopefully has a college education. I don't want to be the bread winner.
*Someone that doesn't want me to dress up all the time and look skanky.
Now there have been three boys in my life that actually fit all these things. Two I sort of dated and the other one, I just have a huge crush on. I think I only have a crush on him because he has all those qualities that I listed not because he's HOT or anything...well, he is hot, but I noticed that after I became his friend.
But I'm so bad about finding the faults in guys because they don't have a certain quality that I've always thought I wanted. What if God doesn't want me to be with someone like I described above? What if I'm supposed to be with someone completely opposite of that? Would I just push them away because they don't fit my outline? I hope not. I'm assuming when that right person comes along it'll be easy and I'll just be like...you're the one. I guess I won't know until it happens, but as a girl...I think about that all the time. Maybe I need to change my "what I look for in a guy" list...
I don't know.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Kangaroo
I was just browsing through some pictures on myspace and saw a picture of a kangroo and it jogged my memory...
I love the movie Love Actually, it's just a great story. It begins and ends at the airport. It's fun to people watch in airports, watch people cry and hug as they leave and also again when people arrive. It is just an emotional time for everyone there pretty much.
When I was at the airport a couple weeks ago to pick up Chris, I had an awesome time.
The first thing that happened was: I was standing around like an idiot at the bottom of the escalator waiting and a lady walks by pulling this big box. The kind that you take a dog in. Well as it got closer, it was a kangaroo. It was so neat. It was just one of those random things that puts a smile on your face to see a lady pull a kangaroo through the airport.
2nd thing: An older gentlemen saw me standing by myself and asked if everything was alright. I told him, yes, I'm fine. Then he says he has bad knees and really didn't want to walk up the two flights of stairs to the third floor. So, I pointed to the other side of the airport and said there's an escalator over there if that's easier for you. He just looked at me and said, "Lady, You're the Best." and walked away. Again...another smile on my face.
3rd thing: Chris arrived. It's always just neat to meet people at the airport. There's always hugs involved.
I love the movie Love Actually, it's just a great story. It begins and ends at the airport. It's fun to people watch in airports, watch people cry and hug as they leave and also again when people arrive. It is just an emotional time for everyone there pretty much.
When I was at the airport a couple weeks ago to pick up Chris, I had an awesome time.
The first thing that happened was: I was standing around like an idiot at the bottom of the escalator waiting and a lady walks by pulling this big box. The kind that you take a dog in. Well as it got closer, it was a kangaroo. It was so neat. It was just one of those random things that puts a smile on your face to see a lady pull a kangaroo through the airport.
2nd thing: An older gentlemen saw me standing by myself and asked if everything was alright. I told him, yes, I'm fine. Then he says he has bad knees and really didn't want to walk up the two flights of stairs to the third floor. So, I pointed to the other side of the airport and said there's an escalator over there if that's easier for you. He just looked at me and said, "Lady, You're the Best." and walked away. Again...another smile on my face.
3rd thing: Chris arrived. It's always just neat to meet people at the airport. There's always hugs involved.
Harmonica's
I was watching Austin City Limits last night because that's the only thing on that was descent. Well, Jack Johnson was playing...not only is he an amazing artist, but he had G. Love as a guest performer. Whom, I love. Anyways, G. Love, for one of the last songs played the Harmonica. I really think that is such a neat instrument. It brought back memories of when I worked in Pennsylvania a couple summers ago. I met this guy Rob there and we were good friends. Well, we went to eat in some small town in the middle of nowhere and I rode with Rob. Half way through the ride he reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a harmonica. He begins to play Amazing Grace on it (I guess that's just the first song everyone learns on an instrument). It was Awesome. Kind of Hot, in a way, if you know what I mean. Awww...memories.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Weak
You would think of having lived on the third floor of my apartment complex for like a year and seven months I would be used to walking all those flights of stairs. I just went home for lunch and almost had to take a break half way through. It's embarassing. I think my legs are still sore from wearing heels all weekend, but oh my goodness, my legs hurt so back walking up those stairs today. It wouldn't be so bad if I only did it once a day, but I come home for lunch and then sometimes I go out in the evening times. Gosh...I'm a weakling. I shouldn't complain, at least I have legs, right.
Also, I have a myspace account and I just changed the front picture on it and I got to work this morning and I had like 8 random emails in my inbox from creepy guys wanting to "make new friends". Some seem pretty normal, but others are just old guys preying on little girls. I guess it's sweet that they notice me, but still...I get a little weirded out. Kyle says I should just be flattered about it, but I have a hard time with that. I don't like knowing (or thinking) that guys think I'm hot. I guess that's just my crummy self esteem showing itself. oh well.
I have seen more people that I went to High School with on it. That's kind of neat. People that I haven't seen in years and probably wouldn't have talked to ever again, so that's pretty cool.
Life is good.
Also, I have a myspace account and I just changed the front picture on it and I got to work this morning and I had like 8 random emails in my inbox from creepy guys wanting to "make new friends". Some seem pretty normal, but others are just old guys preying on little girls. I guess it's sweet that they notice me, but still...I get a little weirded out. Kyle says I should just be flattered about it, but I have a hard time with that. I don't like knowing (or thinking) that guys think I'm hot. I guess that's just my crummy self esteem showing itself. oh well.
I have seen more people that I went to High School with on it. That's kind of neat. People that I haven't seen in years and probably wouldn't have talked to ever again, so that's pretty cool.
Life is good.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Another One Down
One of my oldest friends, Krista, got married this past weekend. It was a gorgeous wedding. It was outside in the Botanical Gardens in San Antonio. What an AWESOME place to get married. It was perfect for a small wedding like this one.
I have known Krista for all the 23 years of my life. She was my first friend. We don't hang out like we used to because she's 4 years older than I am. So once she got into high school she was a little to cool for me. But we're good now. I'm so happy for her. Plus doesn't she look amazing? I always thought she was a beautiful girl and Saturday she was even more gorgeous.
Congratulations to Krista and Joseph!!
I have known Krista for all the 23 years of my life. She was my first friend. We don't hang out like we used to because she's 4 years older than I am. So once she got into high school she was a little to cool for me. But we're good now. I'm so happy for her. Plus doesn't she look amazing? I always thought she was a beautiful girl and Saturday she was even more gorgeous.
Congratulations to Krista and Joseph!!
What I Can't Have
I want what I can't have, I've always wanted something that I can't have. Only once I get it...I don't want it anymore. I'm assuming that I'm not the only one like that. We ALL should strive for something that is out of reach, right?
I think that's why I'm so caught up on this one situation. It only bothers me because it's not going the way I planned. I can't have a certain something, not just because it's out of reach, but because it won't let me have it. That just makes me want it even more.
I'm like this with everything. I'm a skank for shoes. I have so many, yet I only wear like the same 4 in a rotation...unless I'm dressing up, and even then, it's the same black shoes. Anyways...There was a pair of Puma's that I just had to have, but didn't want to spend the money on. Well, I just broke down and bought them. Now, they just sit in my closet. I wear them every now and then, but it's not the same as when they were sitting on the shelf and I just HAD to have them. I want what's out of reach and then when I get them....there's no excitement. I'm the same way with guys. The chase is much better than the capture. I just get tired of things too quickly. Help! No commitment in me.
I always think there is when I'm feening for something...but once I have it...*poof* it's gone. I think that's why I get to hung up on people. They don't want me around and that just makes me want to be around them more. I don't know if it's to piss them off, or to just want what's not there. I don't know. I never know.
I think that's why I'm so caught up on this one situation. It only bothers me because it's not going the way I planned. I can't have a certain something, not just because it's out of reach, but because it won't let me have it. That just makes me want it even more.
I'm like this with everything. I'm a skank for shoes. I have so many, yet I only wear like the same 4 in a rotation...unless I'm dressing up, and even then, it's the same black shoes. Anyways...There was a pair of Puma's that I just had to have, but didn't want to spend the money on. Well, I just broke down and bought them. Now, they just sit in my closet. I wear them every now and then, but it's not the same as when they were sitting on the shelf and I just HAD to have them. I want what's out of reach and then when I get them....there's no excitement. I'm the same way with guys. The chase is much better than the capture. I just get tired of things too quickly. Help! No commitment in me.
I always think there is when I'm feening for something...but once I have it...*poof* it's gone. I think that's why I get to hung up on people. They don't want me around and that just makes me want to be around them more. I don't know if it's to piss them off, or to just want what's not there. I don't know. I never know.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Update
Well the visit to the vet was a little more than what I was expecting.
She's had a growth on her brain pretty much ever since I got her. And the pressure of it was just builing up too quickly for her. It was a rapid progression, at first it was just a little ear ache, then Thursday she lost feeling in her left front paw and then Friday morning she lost all use of her left side. It was really sad to see. But she was getting a lot of nerve damage from the build up on her brain. Sad, I know. I asked the vet to tell me what was really going to happen. He said that since it was moving really fast that she would only have about a week or so to live. He asked me if I wanted to give her a cortizone shot...it would either makes things real good or, it would help her for now and when the shot where's off it could be worse. Well, the shot was cheap so I figured I'd give it a go. She's doing really well now...running around. She got feeling back into her left side. (although she was screaming the whole time he was giving her the shot :( ) I was crying the whole time...it's sad to hear that your pet is going to die in the next week or so. He even told me if it starts to get really bad I should just put her to sleep so that she doesn't have to suffer. I wouldn't be able to do that, I would have to get someone to do that.
Needless to say I'm weak and these two days have been rough. I just don't want to go to work and wonder if she is still going to be alive when I get home. That's a sad feeling. Oh well...I guess I'll just focus on today and that fact that I have to go to a wedding in a bit. At least the sun is out. That's good. Yesterday I was FREEZING all day. I didn't know it was supposed to be cold, all I packed for home was flip flops and some caprees. I am just now getting a warm. OK...enough.
She's had a growth on her brain pretty much ever since I got her. And the pressure of it was just builing up too quickly for her. It was a rapid progression, at first it was just a little ear ache, then Thursday she lost feeling in her left front paw and then Friday morning she lost all use of her left side. It was really sad to see. But she was getting a lot of nerve damage from the build up on her brain. Sad, I know. I asked the vet to tell me what was really going to happen. He said that since it was moving really fast that she would only have about a week or so to live. He asked me if I wanted to give her a cortizone shot...it would either makes things real good or, it would help her for now and when the shot where's off it could be worse. Well, the shot was cheap so I figured I'd give it a go. She's doing really well now...running around. She got feeling back into her left side. (although she was screaming the whole time he was giving her the shot :( ) I was crying the whole time...it's sad to hear that your pet is going to die in the next week or so. He even told me if it starts to get really bad I should just put her to sleep so that she doesn't have to suffer. I wouldn't be able to do that, I would have to get someone to do that.
Needless to say I'm weak and these two days have been rough. I just don't want to go to work and wonder if she is still going to be alive when I get home. That's a sad feeling. Oh well...I guess I'll just focus on today and that fact that I have to go to a wedding in a bit. At least the sun is out. That's good. Yesterday I was FREEZING all day. I didn't know it was supposed to be cold, all I packed for home was flip flops and some caprees. I am just now getting a warm. OK...enough.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Precious Peanut
I have to take my poor baby into the Vet in a little while. Last night she was limping on her front left paw, and this morning, she's not using any of her left side feet. It just makes me so sad to watch her move around. I know she's just a rat...but she's my pet and I Love her. I wasn't really planning on spending money on a vet visit for her. But she needs some type of help.
Pray for her. Our appointment is in about an hour.
Pray for her. Our appointment is in about an hour.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Imaginary Rut
You know, I complain about life and work and friends sometimes but then I have days where I just think (know) that everything is wonderful. Like Tuesday when I got to dance in the rain. That was just a good time. Yesterday was awesome too. This is how awesome my job is: I wanted to leave early to meet up with some friends, so I go to the secretary and I just say "So, I just talked to a friend and they're at Happy Hour right now, I think I'm going to go meet them." And that's exactly what I did. It was only a little earlier than what I usually would have left, but still. I like that we aren't strict here.
But then I didn't get anything done that I was going to do after work. I had laundry to do, I wanted to start doing some packing for this weekend, I need to clean out Peanuts cage because I'm gonna take her with me, plus, run some errands. Now I only have a little time after work today to do that stuff. But I won't complain, at least I got to do something with actual people last night. Good times. I was also laying in bed last night with this great piece of interesting facts that I wanted to talk about today in my blog, but I was like "I'm not going to write it down because I'll remember by tomorrow morning." WRONG, I don't have the slightest clue what I was thinking about. Oh well....maybe I'll some interesting stuff to say later on...
But then I didn't get anything done that I was going to do after work. I had laundry to do, I wanted to start doing some packing for this weekend, I need to clean out Peanuts cage because I'm gonna take her with me, plus, run some errands. Now I only have a little time after work today to do that stuff. But I won't complain, at least I got to do something with actual people last night. Good times. I was also laying in bed last night with this great piece of interesting facts that I wanted to talk about today in my blog, but I was like "I'm not going to write it down because I'll remember by tomorrow morning." WRONG, I don't have the slightest clue what I was thinking about. Oh well....maybe I'll some interesting stuff to say later on...
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
So Hard to Stay
It's weird how songs just make you really emotional. Or maybe I'm just being a girl and everything makes me emotional. I was listening to that song Photograph, by Nickelback last night and a phrase in the song really caught my attention:
"I miss that town
I cannot believe it
So hard to stay
So hard to leave it"
That's exactly how I feel about my hometown. I had some great memories growing up in Floresville, and I also had some really bad ones. Either way it's HOME.
I notice it a whole bunch when I go home for holiday's. There's really nothing to do there, but drive to San Antonio. I don't think I would ever want to live there again, but I guess I should never say never. Whenever I stay for a couple of days it always makes me feel so comfortable. My parents are there, some of my brother's are there. I just like the feeling of being around family. When I went home for Christmas I stayed for about 4 nights (I haven't done that in a LONG time). I had the hardest time leaving. I think I cried for most of the 2 hour drive back to Georgetown. I miss that feeling of having someone to come home to, or knowing that someone is going to be there when I wake up. Someone is there when I need to talk about feelings, life, work, friends, whatever. But that song has such a deep meaning for me. It is hard to go home because there's nothing real exciting there, but it's so hard to leave my family because I just love them so much.
I'm going home this weekend and I'll be there for about 3 nights and I'm already preparing myself for Sunday afternoon when I'll be leaving them. I hate saying Good-bye, no matter who it is.
"I miss that town
I cannot believe it
So hard to stay
So hard to leave it"
That's exactly how I feel about my hometown. I had some great memories growing up in Floresville, and I also had some really bad ones. Either way it's HOME.
I notice it a whole bunch when I go home for holiday's. There's really nothing to do there, but drive to San Antonio. I don't think I would ever want to live there again, but I guess I should never say never. Whenever I stay for a couple of days it always makes me feel so comfortable. My parents are there, some of my brother's are there. I just like the feeling of being around family. When I went home for Christmas I stayed for about 4 nights (I haven't done that in a LONG time). I had the hardest time leaving. I think I cried for most of the 2 hour drive back to Georgetown. I miss that feeling of having someone to come home to, or knowing that someone is going to be there when I wake up. Someone is there when I need to talk about feelings, life, work, friends, whatever. But that song has such a deep meaning for me. It is hard to go home because there's nothing real exciting there, but it's so hard to leave my family because I just love them so much.
I'm going home this weekend and I'll be there for about 3 nights and I'm already preparing myself for Sunday afternoon when I'll be leaving them. I hate saying Good-bye, no matter who it is.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
Just Need to Vent
I have so much to say and no one to tell it to. I guess I shouldn't say no one...I just have so much on my mind.
My weekend was great. I had a really good time with Chris while he was down. So let's see...Thursday after he got in we went to his cousin's house for burgers and some chit-chatting. It was nice not to cook or pay for meal. Then we headed to Austin. We walked the capital. I've only been their at night, it's a pretty neat place. Then we parked and walked 6th street. Just to give him a taste of Austin night life. We didn't go into any of the bars because they were all loud and obnoxious.
So Friday morning he got dropped off at my place and we watched a little tv. I had (well, I guess I didn't have to) to get a dress for a wedding I'm going to this weekend, so we went to the mall. First store I went into I found one. So that was nice. We ended up only being at the mall for about 30 minutes. That's even with walking the mall after I bought the dress. OK, then we came back to Georgetown and went to his cousins step-daughters lake house on Lake Beaucanan. It was a nice evening. Just hanging out, drinking beer, taking a boat ride and then sitting on the dock while a couple people fished. It was just a pleasant little evening.
Saturday we went to Buda and I took him to Cabela's. Which was exciting for him...I didn't get much out of it. We also went to Freebirds, gotta love that place.
Then he left on Sunday after church. It was a nice little visit. I thought it would be weird, but it wasn't. I was actually a little sad when I was leaving the airport. But I think airports in general just make me sad and I don't know why.
I feel bad because the whole time he was here I was just comparing him to Matt. I know I should NOT have done that, but I did. I couldn't help it. I thought I had it figured out, I "want" someone that is Christian (preferably Lutheran), in a band, tall, cocky, funny, sweet. I shouldn't judge people, but I kept thinking...he's not Matt. What the hell is wrong with me. How could I possibly still be hung up on someone that was just in my life for a brief time? weird. I was looking at my text message folder in my phone and I have SOOOO many to and from Matt that are still in my memory. It makes me sick out sweet we were too each other. Aaaauuuu.
Anyways...as I was thinking last night...I really liked having someone around that I can just hang out with and hold hands with and that just makes me feel safe. But then I was also thinking. I couldn't do this for that long, which made me realize I don't think I want to be married any time soon. Or maybe I do and I just haven't found that someone that just makes it easy to be with for a good length of time. I guess I still have a lot of figuring out to do.
I got a phone call from my cousin Bryan last night too. We ended up talking for about an hour. He's fun to talk to. He's 28 or 29 (I can't remember) and he's reading a book about how to pick up chicks. It's funny to hear him talk about that. He's a good looking guy, real nice and fun, just shy when it comes to the ladies. Poor guy. He try's real hard though.
After I got off the phone it dawned on me how lonely and empty my apartment. I just get these overwhelming feelings sometimes about "oh my gosh, I am sooo alone right now". And my apartment and life just feels so lonely. It's weird. Usually I'm alright, but every now and then I just get this feeling of 'there's no one to share my life with', 'no one know's what I'm doing right now', 'does anyone really care what I did today?'. Anyways...it only comes at night and I got one of those last night. I still don't really want a roommate, although it would really help with all my bills, I just like getting to do whatever I want in my own dwelling.
OK...this is an essay and for any of you who actually took the time to read it...you've got to be more bored than I am right now. Get a job.
My weekend was great. I had a really good time with Chris while he was down. So let's see...Thursday after he got in we went to his cousin's house for burgers and some chit-chatting. It was nice not to cook or pay for meal. Then we headed to Austin. We walked the capital. I've only been their at night, it's a pretty neat place. Then we parked and walked 6th street. Just to give him a taste of Austin night life. We didn't go into any of the bars because they were all loud and obnoxious.
So Friday morning he got dropped off at my place and we watched a little tv. I had (well, I guess I didn't have to) to get a dress for a wedding I'm going to this weekend, so we went to the mall. First store I went into I found one. So that was nice. We ended up only being at the mall for about 30 minutes. That's even with walking the mall after I bought the dress. OK, then we came back to Georgetown and went to his cousins step-daughters lake house on Lake Beaucanan. It was a nice evening. Just hanging out, drinking beer, taking a boat ride and then sitting on the dock while a couple people fished. It was just a pleasant little evening.
Saturday we went to Buda and I took him to Cabela's. Which was exciting for him...I didn't get much out of it. We also went to Freebirds, gotta love that place.
Then he left on Sunday after church. It was a nice little visit. I thought it would be weird, but it wasn't. I was actually a little sad when I was leaving the airport. But I think airports in general just make me sad and I don't know why.
I feel bad because the whole time he was here I was just comparing him to Matt. I know I should NOT have done that, but I did. I couldn't help it. I thought I had it figured out, I "want" someone that is Christian (preferably Lutheran), in a band, tall, cocky, funny, sweet. I shouldn't judge people, but I kept thinking...he's not Matt. What the hell is wrong with me. How could I possibly still be hung up on someone that was just in my life for a brief time? weird. I was looking at my text message folder in my phone and I have SOOOO many to and from Matt that are still in my memory. It makes me sick out sweet we were too each other. Aaaauuuu.
Anyways...as I was thinking last night...I really liked having someone around that I can just hang out with and hold hands with and that just makes me feel safe. But then I was also thinking. I couldn't do this for that long, which made me realize I don't think I want to be married any time soon. Or maybe I do and I just haven't found that someone that just makes it easy to be with for a good length of time. I guess I still have a lot of figuring out to do.
I got a phone call from my cousin Bryan last night too. We ended up talking for about an hour. He's fun to talk to. He's 28 or 29 (I can't remember) and he's reading a book about how to pick up chicks. It's funny to hear him talk about that. He's a good looking guy, real nice and fun, just shy when it comes to the ladies. Poor guy. He try's real hard though.
After I got off the phone it dawned on me how lonely and empty my apartment. I just get these overwhelming feelings sometimes about "oh my gosh, I am sooo alone right now". And my apartment and life just feels so lonely. It's weird. Usually I'm alright, but every now and then I just get this feeling of 'there's no one to share my life with', 'no one know's what I'm doing right now', 'does anyone really care what I did today?'. Anyways...it only comes at night and I got one of those last night. I still don't really want a roommate, although it would really help with all my bills, I just like getting to do whatever I want in my own dwelling.
OK...this is an essay and for any of you who actually took the time to read it...you've got to be more bored than I am right now. Get a job.
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