I have so much to say and no one to tell it to. I guess I shouldn't say no one...I just have so much on my mind.
My weekend was great. I had a really good time with Chris while he was down. So let's see...Thursday after he got in we went to his cousin's house for burgers and some chit-chatting. It was nice not to cook or pay for meal. Then we headed to Austin. We walked the capital. I've only been their at night, it's a pretty neat place. Then we parked and walked 6th street. Just to give him a taste of Austin night life. We didn't go into any of the bars because they were all loud and obnoxious.
So Friday morning he got dropped off at my place and we watched a little tv. I had (well, I guess I didn't have to) to get a dress for a wedding I'm going to this weekend, so we went to the mall. First store I went into I found one. So that was nice. We ended up only being at the mall for about 30 minutes. That's even with walking the mall after I bought the dress. OK, then we came back to Georgetown and went to his cousins step-daughters lake house on Lake Beaucanan. It was a nice evening. Just hanging out, drinking beer, taking a boat ride and then sitting on the dock while a couple people fished. It was just a pleasant little evening.
Saturday we went to Buda and I took him to Cabela's. Which was exciting for him...I didn't get much out of it. We also went to Freebirds, gotta love that place.
Then he left on Sunday after church. It was a nice little visit. I thought it would be weird, but it wasn't. I was actually a little sad when I was leaving the airport. But I think airports in general just make me sad and I don't know why.
I feel bad because the whole time he was here I was just comparing him to Matt. I know I should NOT have done that, but I did. I couldn't help it. I thought I had it figured out, I "want" someone that is Christian (preferably Lutheran), in a band, tall, cocky, funny, sweet. I shouldn't judge people, but I kept thinking...he's not Matt. What the hell is wrong with me. How could I possibly still be hung up on someone that was just in my life for a brief time? weird. I was looking at my text message folder in my phone and I have SOOOO many to and from Matt that are still in my memory. It makes me sick out sweet we were too each other. Aaaauuuu.
Anyways...as I was thinking last night...I really liked having someone around that I can just hang out with and hold hands with and that just makes me feel safe. But then I was also thinking. I couldn't do this for that long, which made me realize I don't think I want to be married any time soon. Or maybe I do and I just haven't found that someone that just makes it easy to be with for a good length of time. I guess I still have a lot of figuring out to do.
I got a phone call from my cousin Bryan last night too. We ended up talking for about an hour. He's fun to talk to. He's 28 or 29 (I can't remember) and he's reading a book about how to pick up chicks. It's funny to hear him talk about that. He's a good looking guy, real nice and fun, just shy when it comes to the ladies. Poor guy. He try's real hard though.
After I got off the phone it dawned on me how lonely and empty my apartment. I just get these overwhelming feelings sometimes about "oh my gosh, I am sooo alone right now". And my apartment and life just feels so lonely. It's weird. Usually I'm alright, but every now and then I just get this feeling of 'there's no one to share my life with', 'no one know's what I'm doing right now', 'does anyone really care what I did today?'. Anyways...it only comes at night and I got one of those last night. I still don't really want a roommate, although it would really help with all my bills, I just like getting to do whatever I want in my own dwelling.
OK...this is an essay and for any of you who actually took the time to read it...you've got to be more bored than I am right now. Get a job.
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2 comments:
Ahhh, THIS rings a bell. Especially the part about feeling empty, and wondering "is anyone in the world thinking about me right now? Because it feels like I'm thinking about all of them."
This was a really interesting post.
When people call you, and they pour your heart out to them, do you ever pour back? Do you do all the listening and none of the talking?
Your feelings strike me as those of someone who does a lot of giving but not a lot of taking. And to be frank, that just doesn't work. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish.
Now, there's also something about nighttime. I don't know why, but your brain goes to places it can never go during the day. You become "thinkative" (I had a friend who used that word once ;-D)
I like to find a close friend and walk around the neighborhood long after dark and just talk. Just vent all that stuff that's on your mind, even the stuff you're not comfortable talking about. In fact, I'd say especially that stuff. You strike me as someone who really wants someone to share all that with, maybe deep down, maybe not so deep. But I found that, like in another post of yours, where you mention being someone else behind closed doors, it helps to let someone else know that person.
Because you know what I learned? Everyone has those vulnerabilities I have. And that you are who you are, and even those things about you that you are ashamed of, or that you just don't like to share with other people serve a purpose too.
Of course, I don't ACTUALLY know what I'm talking about. I just feel like I've been through some similar things. Feel free to ignore it.
Oh and, since you brought it up, I'm probably more bored right now than you've ever been in your entire life.
I hate this stupid monkey.
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