I must be losing it!! I have just had one of those weeks where I seem to be in another place than where I should be.
Monday morning when I was leaving for work I noticed that my door was unlocked. I NEVER leave my door unlocked. As long as I've been living by myself I always lock at least one of the three locks as soon as I shut the door behind me when I come home. At night I lock both dead bolt, I used to latch the chain, but I don't anymore because I feel it's a waste of time. That's the second time I've woken up with my door unlocked. I don't really expect anyone to climb the three flights of stairs to "rob" me, I have nothing to rob, except my TV...but that's too much energy for any robber. It just kind of shocked me that I actually forgot to lock my door. I always lock the door even when I have company, it's just habit.
Then, last night I was for some reason unusually tired when I was coming home from Kyle's. I got home, locked the door, and seriously, just went straight to bed. Of course I brushed my teeth and washed my face...and then went straight to my bed. This morning the sun is blinding and me and I'm thinking...that's weird, the sun isn't usually that bright when I wake up. Well, I was right, the sun isn't that bright when I wake up because it was 40 minutes after I usually get up. That's right, I forgot to set my alarm last night. So instead of waking up at 7:20, I woke up at 8:00...Needless to say, I took a very quick shower (which meant, no washing of the hair...I hate not having clean hair), got dressed and walked out the door. I'm wearing my hair in a pony tail today...I NEVER wear my hair in a pony tail...I guess it's not because I don't like pony tails, but I get headaches whenever I wear my hair any other way than just plain down. So I can already feel the small aches coming on, but I'm trying to push through them.
Lastly...I've been dropping things a lot. Like my depth perseption is just really off for some reason. I've stumbled on steps, had to reach for my bottle water a couple times because for some reason I keep missing it, and I just can't seem to keep a grip on things. It's really weird. It's not like I've been a little clumbsy here and there, it's that I've just been off...I don't know how to explain it.
It's been a weird few days. I guess I'm just that distracted with everything right now. Lot's of personal stuff that I'm keeping locked up...and then my job is stressing the heck out of me. Looks like another vacation is in order. Good thing I get a 4 day weekend this weekend, I'm ready for that.
Anyways...maybe I need to start taking vitamins or somthing so that I can get back on track. I don't want ro really lose my mind...not yet.
Where's your head at?
We can't live on, live on without you
We can't live on, live on without you!!!
-Basement Jaxx
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Pieces of Me
My Dad has been participating in A.C.T.S. retreats for a couple of years now. It's through the Catholic church and it has to do with ACTS 2:42-47; breaking bread together, worshipping together, receiving instruction together, sharing in common, and reaching out in loving service. He went to one as a participant and now he has been helping to lead ones for youth. He's done a few of them throughout the past couple years and always has stories to tell me about them. It's our way of bonding, I guess.
They always do skits at the retreats and he loves telling me about these. So far I have been able to relate with a lot of the skits he shares with me, but this past one just gave me the goosebumps and I am going to give you the short version of how I remember it.
It starts off with a girl on a dark stage with a huge paper heart around her neck.
Her boyfriend comes on and they get into an argument and break up and he rips a piece of her heart and takes it with him.
Then her Dad walks in and yells at her for not making all A's on her report cards and walks away with a piece of her heart.
And it goes on like this for a while and her heart is just ripped to shreds. So she has pieces of her heart all over the place.
Then Jesus walks in with a brand new heart for her and he tells her how Jesus is always in her heart and has a brand new heart with him.
I feel like that sometime I have a piece of my heart all over the place and I'm not left with much. A part of me is back in Floresville, pieces are spread out in San Antonio, Georgetown, South Carolina, Michigan, TLU...I'm spread out pretty thin. And even though I work at a church, sometimes I don't always feel like Jesus is standing over me with this huge heart just for me. I wish I could get that feelings, I just don't know how to get there.
They always do skits at the retreats and he loves telling me about these. So far I have been able to relate with a lot of the skits he shares with me, but this past one just gave me the goosebumps and I am going to give you the short version of how I remember it.
It starts off with a girl on a dark stage with a huge paper heart around her neck.
Her boyfriend comes on and they get into an argument and break up and he rips a piece of her heart and takes it with him.
Then her Dad walks in and yells at her for not making all A's on her report cards and walks away with a piece of her heart.
And it goes on like this for a while and her heart is just ripped to shreds. So she has pieces of her heart all over the place.
Then Jesus walks in with a brand new heart for her and he tells her how Jesus is always in her heart and has a brand new heart with him.
I feel like that sometime I have a piece of my heart all over the place and I'm not left with much. A part of me is back in Floresville, pieces are spread out in San Antonio, Georgetown, South Carolina, Michigan, TLU...I'm spread out pretty thin. And even though I work at a church, sometimes I don't always feel like Jesus is standing over me with this huge heart just for me. I wish I could get that feelings, I just don't know how to get there.
And she falls down trying...
Yet another weekend of my life was spent in San Antonio, I seem to be going there a lot lately when I find myself not at work. It's a soothing and familiar place to me and I'm actually happy when I'm there.
While I do not have to work on Friday's most other people with normal hours do. So I treated myself to the movies and while watching this movie something really dawned on me. It was weird because as I was sitting in the dark theater I just had one of those "that's what it is" moments. I figured out why I was never comfortable in a relationship: I have always been scared of not being able to live up to how other people see me. I'm just me, and I always think that people see me differently. Like they see me as someone who is always put together and knows what she wants out of life and is always happy and easy to get along with. When really...I'm a mess, I'm a lot different from what I may seem to be like, I never think I'm as pretty as other girls, and I'm not always easy to get along with. But who isn't all these things? We all have our moments. Whatever...I just need to learn to be "ME" and have people know that I can be all sorts of crazy because what you see is not always what you get...know what I mean.
And to my sweet LD, like you always tell me, someone will love me for all my craziness and someone will love you for all your craziness! It will be easy and though there will be trying times, it won't be too much to work through.
I've fallen down so many times trying so hard to impress people and make people happy and do what I feel is right, that sometimes it's just a kick in the face. If we have to try that hard, then it's just not worth it if people don't see us for who we are. Just remember: When a newborn chick thinks it's whole world is collapsing it's just the beginning of a new and wonderful life.
"And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you."
-Familiar 48
While I do not have to work on Friday's most other people with normal hours do. So I treated myself to the movies and while watching this movie something really dawned on me. It was weird because as I was sitting in the dark theater I just had one of those "that's what it is" moments. I figured out why I was never comfortable in a relationship: I have always been scared of not being able to live up to how other people see me. I'm just me, and I always think that people see me differently. Like they see me as someone who is always put together and knows what she wants out of life and is always happy and easy to get along with. When really...I'm a mess, I'm a lot different from what I may seem to be like, I never think I'm as pretty as other girls, and I'm not always easy to get along with. But who isn't all these things? We all have our moments. Whatever...I just need to learn to be "ME" and have people know that I can be all sorts of crazy because what you see is not always what you get...know what I mean.
And to my sweet LD, like you always tell me, someone will love me for all my craziness and someone will love you for all your craziness! It will be easy and though there will be trying times, it won't be too much to work through.
I've fallen down so many times trying so hard to impress people and make people happy and do what I feel is right, that sometimes it's just a kick in the face. If we have to try that hard, then it's just not worth it if people don't see us for who we are. Just remember: When a newborn chick thinks it's whole world is collapsing it's just the beginning of a new and wonderful life.
"And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you."
-Familiar 48
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Yesterday...
...all my troubles seemed so far away, Now it look as though they're here to stay, Oh, I believe in yesterday.
It's funny how one word can make a song pop into your head...this Beatle's song is my "yesterday" song...
If you asked me what I did yesterday, this is what I would tell you: I went to a sneak Preview of BeerFest!! How exciting. I've never gotten to see a movie before it came out. Well it was only 2 days before it comes out...but that's a big deal for me. Plus, it was at the Alamo Draft House and that just has good times written all over it.
I went with my friend Wes, we grew up down the street from each other and went to high school together and all that good stuff. Well, his girlfriend's cousin somehow got a few free passes to the movie and Wes invited me along. It was nice to hang out with a familiar person...
We got to talking about how we both want to move closer to home eventually. I mean, I do love the Austin area, but it's just not "home". Now I don't feel as guilty about wanting to be closer to family and friends...because I'm not the only one thinking about it. I know once I move back to the San Antonio area I'm really going to miss being close to Austin, but that's just how life goes. We also got to play a little foosball afterwards...I'm learning some "moves" so watch out...I've never really had that much fun playing that game, but once I kind of knew what I was doing...it can be quite entertaining!
It's funny how one word can make a song pop into your head...this Beatle's song is my "yesterday" song...
If you asked me what I did yesterday, this is what I would tell you: I went to a sneak Preview of BeerFest!! How exciting. I've never gotten to see a movie before it came out. Well it was only 2 days before it comes out...but that's a big deal for me. Plus, it was at the Alamo Draft House and that just has good times written all over it.
I went with my friend Wes, we grew up down the street from each other and went to high school together and all that good stuff. Well, his girlfriend's cousin somehow got a few free passes to the movie and Wes invited me along. It was nice to hang out with a familiar person...
We got to talking about how we both want to move closer to home eventually. I mean, I do love the Austin area, but it's just not "home". Now I don't feel as guilty about wanting to be closer to family and friends...because I'm not the only one thinking about it. I know once I move back to the San Antonio area I'm really going to miss being close to Austin, but that's just how life goes. We also got to play a little foosball afterwards...I'm learning some "moves" so watch out...I've never really had that much fun playing that game, but once I kind of knew what I was doing...it can be quite entertaining!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Just Let It Go...
I've never thought of myself to hold a grudge against anyone...I'm one of those forgive and forget and lets be friends again...I'm having a hard time with that right now.
I got a phone call from a friend this weekend to give me some info for our spa day on Saturday in San Antonio...well I asked if anyone was doing anything exciting on Thursday or Friday night before the spa day that I needed to come in early for. . .That's when it hit me like a brick wall. Something about Travis and this other girl maybe doing something...
Now Travis and I have a little history together, nothing big, I think we went out a couple times in high school. But he's always been the boy that I look back on and think of how much I liked him and if things were different...blah blah blah...I've definitely had a crush on him since high school, but then he moved to Colorado and then he joined the Marines and life just got in the way, you know what I mean.
Well in June he poured his "heart" out to me about how has always had this huge crush on me and how much he liked me and wanted to "try" and start something with me and how his family already loves me and he didn't care that I lived in Georgetown, and I told him how I felt and how I've waited to hear him say that, blah blah blah...well as you know that got shot to shit...and YES it did hurt, but I got over it.
The thing that's bothering me, is that he been dating this girl since like the week after he told me all those things. Who does that? All of a sudden just change your feelings and move on to the next one, it takes me longer than a week to do that...And I'm friends with this girl and I'm going to have to spend the day with her on Saturday and I can already see myself being a little stand-off-ish around her and I don't want to be that way. I guess it's more because I like this girl and I don't want her to get hurt because I know this guy can be a jerk...I don't know maybe it's different this time.
Or...maybe I'm just jealous because I'm always the girl that gets shit on and not the one that guys just drop what they're doing to hang out with me...you know. I'm just ready for my turn. And I don't want to be all emotional when I go and hang out with all these girls this weekend.
What a yucky feeling. Does everyone else have this much drama in their lives, because sometimes I feel like I'm just a magnet for it...
I just wish I was strong enough to let all this stuff just slip right off of me...I would feel so much better if I would let it go and not dwell on it. I mean, guys seem to just let it go...why is it harder for girls to do the same?
I got a phone call from a friend this weekend to give me some info for our spa day on Saturday in San Antonio...well I asked if anyone was doing anything exciting on Thursday or Friday night before the spa day that I needed to come in early for. . .That's when it hit me like a brick wall. Something about Travis and this other girl maybe doing something...
Now Travis and I have a little history together, nothing big, I think we went out a couple times in high school. But he's always been the boy that I look back on and think of how much I liked him and if things were different...blah blah blah...I've definitely had a crush on him since high school, but then he moved to Colorado and then he joined the Marines and life just got in the way, you know what I mean.
Well in June he poured his "heart" out to me about how has always had this huge crush on me and how much he liked me and wanted to "try" and start something with me and how his family already loves me and he didn't care that I lived in Georgetown, and I told him how I felt and how I've waited to hear him say that, blah blah blah...well as you know that got shot to shit...and YES it did hurt, but I got over it.
The thing that's bothering me, is that he been dating this girl since like the week after he told me all those things. Who does that? All of a sudden just change your feelings and move on to the next one, it takes me longer than a week to do that...And I'm friends with this girl and I'm going to have to spend the day with her on Saturday and I can already see myself being a little stand-off-ish around her and I don't want to be that way. I guess it's more because I like this girl and I don't want her to get hurt because I know this guy can be a jerk...I don't know maybe it's different this time.
Or...maybe I'm just jealous because I'm always the girl that gets shit on and not the one that guys just drop what they're doing to hang out with me...you know. I'm just ready for my turn. And I don't want to be all emotional when I go and hang out with all these girls this weekend.
What a yucky feeling. Does everyone else have this much drama in their lives, because sometimes I feel like I'm just a magnet for it...
I just wish I was strong enough to let all this stuff just slip right off of me...I would feel so much better if I would let it go and not dwell on it. I mean, guys seem to just let it go...why is it harder for girls to do the same?
Thursday, August 17, 2006
NUMB
You can't even imagine how much I hurt having to come back to my empty apartment. EVERY TIME I got to San Antonio I have a hard time leaving. I can already forsee how bad these next couple days will be. I always feel like I'm leaving a piece of me back there, or that I forgot to do something while I was there and now I have to wait until the next time I back to do it.
The whole drive back last night I just had this numb feeling, like I didn't care what happened to me...I could get in a car accident and I would have been fine with it. Being out of commission for a while. I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now and not actually doing ANYTHING. I get up take a shower go to work do my job and it just feels like I've doing nothing. I blink my eyes and the day is over and I don't remember doing anything...I just do it. I don't feel anything anymore. No emotions, no energy, no feeling...nothing.
My stomach has just been in knots and I can't eat. Now I'm back in the routine of my life here in G-Town...and the depression sinks in. I never realized how rough life can get.
Plus I get on this huge high of being around people I love for so long and then "BAMM" I'm back to just me and peanut in my apartment...now I love that girl...but it's difficult on me sometimes.
Plus I think I'm pissed that I didn't get to see a certain person while I was there...now I know it's better that way, but at the same time...I just think it would have made the trip a little more enjoyable...but then I would just get back here and beat myself up about it because I'm such a FOOL at times.
I always seem to set myself up for disappointment. I put myself in these situations where I know I'm going to get hurt...yet I can't stop myself. What's wrong with me? I am just a complete Idiot at times. I need to quit being a people pleaser and just do my thing...but I hate when other people aren't happy...no matter how unhappy it makes me. I really just need a change in my life...something to make ME happy. But I don't know what will make me happy. Sometimes I think I know what it is ...but it usually is a false sense of happiness.
I just need something to make that tense feeling go away to where I can be comfortable with life again.
The whole drive back last night I just had this numb feeling, like I didn't care what happened to me...I could get in a car accident and I would have been fine with it. Being out of commission for a while. I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now and not actually doing ANYTHING. I get up take a shower go to work do my job and it just feels like I've doing nothing. I blink my eyes and the day is over and I don't remember doing anything...I just do it. I don't feel anything anymore. No emotions, no energy, no feeling...nothing.
My stomach has just been in knots and I can't eat. Now I'm back in the routine of my life here in G-Town...and the depression sinks in. I never realized how rough life can get.
Plus I get on this huge high of being around people I love for so long and then "BAMM" I'm back to just me and peanut in my apartment...now I love that girl...but it's difficult on me sometimes.
Plus I think I'm pissed that I didn't get to see a certain person while I was there...now I know it's better that way, but at the same time...I just think it would have made the trip a little more enjoyable...but then I would just get back here and beat myself up about it because I'm such a FOOL at times.
I always seem to set myself up for disappointment. I put myself in these situations where I know I'm going to get hurt...yet I can't stop myself. What's wrong with me? I am just a complete Idiot at times. I need to quit being a people pleaser and just do my thing...but I hate when other people aren't happy...no matter how unhappy it makes me. I really just need a change in my life...something to make ME happy. But I don't know what will make me happy. Sometimes I think I know what it is ...but it usually is a false sense of happiness.
I just need something to make that tense feeling go away to where I can be comfortable with life again.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
The Question
I Love you so she says
As she stops her thoughts and turns her head
I guess I am not supposed to care.
Well I'm no good, I don't belong.
I don't know how I made it this far alone.
I should not be here today.
And she falls down tryin',
Yeah she falls down cryin'.
And she tells me that she does it all for me.
When the clouds come, and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on.
Will I be there is the question from you.
Understood so afraid,
As I stop myself and throw my thoughts away
You dont know the way i feel.
Say I'm no good, I dont belong,
I don't know how i made i this far alone.
I will not apologize, no no.
And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you.
When you look to me, you know I will be there.
And I hold on to the feelings we both share
I wont let go, I'll catch if you fall.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you.
When the clouds come, and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there, is the question for me.
~Familiar 48
As she stops her thoughts and turns her head
I guess I am not supposed to care.
Well I'm no good, I don't belong.
I don't know how I made it this far alone.
I should not be here today.
And she falls down tryin',
Yeah she falls down cryin'.
And she tells me that she does it all for me.
When the clouds come, and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on.
Will I be there is the question from you.
Understood so afraid,
As I stop myself and throw my thoughts away
You dont know the way i feel.
Say I'm no good, I dont belong,
I don't know how i made i this far alone.
I will not apologize, no no.
And she falls down tryin'
Yeah she falls down cryin'
And she tells me that she does it all for me.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you.
When you look to me, you know I will be there.
And I hold on to the feelings we both share
I wont let go, I'll catch if you fall.
When the clouds come and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there is the question from you.
When the clouds come, and the rain falls,
When there's nothing here to hold on,
Will I be there, is the question for me.
~Familiar 48
Why Is It Like This?
Lunch with Nane (that's what we call our grandmother) was nice. We ended up staying with her for like four hours. I don't think I've ever been around her when it was just a couple people. It's always been at family functions surrounded by tons of other poeple. So it was really cool to get some quality time with her.
She likes to talk about our Grandfather alot which is very cool. He will have been gone for 11 years this year. That's crazy. It was a little sad though for her to be telling us how she still thinks about him every day...very sweet. He was a wonderful wonderful man. But I can see how much she misses him. She remarried this guy a little while after my Grandfather died because she's not someone that can really live by herself...so it's good and bad at the same time...but that's a whole other story.
Every time I'm around her she always brings up that fact that we're not married or any where near being married. She's 80 and doesn't really think before she speaks, she just kind of tells it like it is. She's convinced my "Lid" is out there, which I'm sure it is. I just don't want to think about it right now.
Why isn't that our whole lifes is about finding that one person to spend the rest of your life with? And why is it such a big deal to every body else? Why can't we just be happy with our lives and just live...I don't think our life should be based on the fact that you need to find someone to marry. Not that I don't want that...but don't bug me about why I'm not dating anyone and ask me when I'm going to "settle down". For goodness sakes I'm only 24...This is my time. Yes, it's a lonely time...but it's still my time. I life isn't going to be filled with looking and searching and being sad that all my friends are married when I'm not. I just needed a little time to vent after that encounter yesterday. I just need another vacation to get away from everything....
She likes to talk about our Grandfather alot which is very cool. He will have been gone for 11 years this year. That's crazy. It was a little sad though for her to be telling us how she still thinks about him every day...very sweet. He was a wonderful wonderful man. But I can see how much she misses him. She remarried this guy a little while after my Grandfather died because she's not someone that can really live by herself...so it's good and bad at the same time...but that's a whole other story.
Every time I'm around her she always brings up that fact that we're not married or any where near being married. She's 80 and doesn't really think before she speaks, she just kind of tells it like it is. She's convinced my "Lid" is out there, which I'm sure it is. I just don't want to think about it right now.
Why isn't that our whole lifes is about finding that one person to spend the rest of your life with? And why is it such a big deal to every body else? Why can't we just be happy with our lives and just live...I don't think our life should be based on the fact that you need to find someone to marry. Not that I don't want that...but don't bug me about why I'm not dating anyone and ask me when I'm going to "settle down". For goodness sakes I'm only 24...This is my time. Yes, it's a lonely time...but it's still my time. I life isn't going to be filled with looking and searching and being sad that all my friends are married when I'm not. I just needed a little time to vent after that encounter yesterday. I just need another vacation to get away from everything....
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
What can I say
What can I say? I have been having just a wonderful couple days. I love coming to San Antonio and being around people that I like. I really needed these few days off...I which I could have traveled...but I'll stop bringing that up.
Sunday night was great. I got to hang out with two of my brothers and this awesome little bar...there were other people there. But I just like that we can hang out together and be civil towards each other. Plus one of my brother's was bragging about me and how much he loves me...that NEVER happens. It kind of puts a warm tingle in your heart! Anyways...we shut that place down. It was awesome.
Then Monday, Cory and I decided to be tourists in San Antonio...after we woke up at about 11:30 we finally showered and ate and all that good stuff, then went downtown...took some pictures of the Alamo walked in the courtyard around it and then walked the River Walk for a bit. It was awesome, I walked around with my big camera around my neck taking pictures of lots of things....those will come at a later time.
Then we went home to Floresville for dinner because it was mom's birthday. We had a nice little family meal and just talked...it was a nice little catch up time. I love doing that.
Then last night I got to meet up with Josh and Derek!! Yeah, I love those guys. It's so weird, I don't think I've seen Derek since the SuperBowl in February and it's like we've never been apart. I love friends like that. We just dove right back into our usuall witty banter. It was just so nice. Plus we got to have some serious talks as well. He's going through some "times" right now and as for me...well there's always drama. I think I'm a magnet for it...I don't know. All I know is that I don't think life is supposed to be as hard as we make it...
Anyways...now my brother and I are on our way to our Grandmother's for some lunch. Yea...more family time!!
Sunday night was great. I got to hang out with two of my brothers and this awesome little bar...there were other people there. But I just like that we can hang out together and be civil towards each other. Plus one of my brother's was bragging about me and how much he loves me...that NEVER happens. It kind of puts a warm tingle in your heart! Anyways...we shut that place down. It was awesome.
Then Monday, Cory and I decided to be tourists in San Antonio...after we woke up at about 11:30 we finally showered and ate and all that good stuff, then went downtown...took some pictures of the Alamo walked in the courtyard around it and then walked the River Walk for a bit. It was awesome, I walked around with my big camera around my neck taking pictures of lots of things....those will come at a later time.
Then we went home to Floresville for dinner because it was mom's birthday. We had a nice little family meal and just talked...it was a nice little catch up time. I love doing that.
Then last night I got to meet up with Josh and Derek!! Yeah, I love those guys. It's so weird, I don't think I've seen Derek since the SuperBowl in February and it's like we've never been apart. I love friends like that. We just dove right back into our usuall witty banter. It was just so nice. Plus we got to have some serious talks as well. He's going through some "times" right now and as for me...well there's always drama. I think I'm a magnet for it...I don't know. All I know is that I don't think life is supposed to be as hard as we make it...
Anyways...now my brother and I are on our way to our Grandmother's for some lunch. Yea...more family time!!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
That Feeling
You know that feeling when you're nervous or excited or worried...where your stomach's in knots and your chest feels really tight? I've had that feeling for a couple days now and it's driving me crazy. I just want it to go away. I sort of know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it.
I wish life wasn't so hard. I hate how good my life can be at times and then just all of a sudden it's not good enough...there's no one to share it with and sitting in my empty apartment doesn't make it any better. Yes, I have friends around...but it's not the same. I'm so ready for a change, but I'm so scared to make any changes in my life because I know right now everything is taken care of. I'm still having a hard time being so far from everyone that means alot to me. You would think after 2 and a half years, I would starat to find things a little more comfortable. The first year was Awesome, it was new and exciting. The second year was so hard and Lauren can vouch for me on this one...I hated it. Crying three times a day because I missed everyone and had such difficult time. This year has gotten to be a little better. But Sunday night I found myself just as vulnerable. I was crying during every stupid TV show I was watching. Granted one of those shows was Extreme Make-Over Home Edition, seriously how can you watch that show and not cry. Anyways...
Maybe I'm just "hitting a wall" because I haven't really taken time for myself this year. I'm fixing that and taking a couple days off next week to spend some time with my brother. We had planned on going to the beach, but that fell through so I think we're going to stay downtown and see what that has to offer us.
I guess I'm just coming off this Birthday "high" as well. It's funny how people come out of the wood work for one day out of the year to appreciate you. Now I'm not saying I have to be appreciated everyday of the year...but it's weird how you don't hear from people for so long and then all of a sudden you're just bombarded with emails and phone calls and it makes you feel nice and then it's all over for another year. Why aren't people that friendly all the time? I guess I'm one to talk...I'm not good at stuff like that either. I have a hard enough time just picking up the phone and calling friends. I always feel like I'm bothering them...but when people call me I always make time for them. I hate how my mind thinks sometimes.
Well my nervous feeling isn't going away and I'm hoping I can figure out a way to stop it, but I Think it's just gonna take some time...
I wish life wasn't so hard. I hate how good my life can be at times and then just all of a sudden it's not good enough...there's no one to share it with and sitting in my empty apartment doesn't make it any better. Yes, I have friends around...but it's not the same. I'm so ready for a change, but I'm so scared to make any changes in my life because I know right now everything is taken care of. I'm still having a hard time being so far from everyone that means alot to me. You would think after 2 and a half years, I would starat to find things a little more comfortable. The first year was Awesome, it was new and exciting. The second year was so hard and Lauren can vouch for me on this one...I hated it. Crying three times a day because I missed everyone and had such difficult time. This year has gotten to be a little better. But Sunday night I found myself just as vulnerable. I was crying during every stupid TV show I was watching. Granted one of those shows was Extreme Make-Over Home Edition, seriously how can you watch that show and not cry. Anyways...
Maybe I'm just "hitting a wall" because I haven't really taken time for myself this year. I'm fixing that and taking a couple days off next week to spend some time with my brother. We had planned on going to the beach, but that fell through so I think we're going to stay downtown and see what that has to offer us.
I guess I'm just coming off this Birthday "high" as well. It's funny how people come out of the wood work for one day out of the year to appreciate you. Now I'm not saying I have to be appreciated everyday of the year...but it's weird how you don't hear from people for so long and then all of a sudden you're just bombarded with emails and phone calls and it makes you feel nice and then it's all over for another year. Why aren't people that friendly all the time? I guess I'm one to talk...I'm not good at stuff like that either. I have a hard enough time just picking up the phone and calling friends. I always feel like I'm bothering them...but when people call me I always make time for them. I hate how my mind thinks sometimes.
Well my nervous feeling isn't going away and I'm hoping I can figure out a way to stop it, but I Think it's just gonna take some time...
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
I Needed That
I had one of the greatest weekends I've had in a while. I mean I had one really awesome one last month...but this one was much needed.
It started by making a trip home to Floresville, mostly because I'm greedy and I really wanted my birthday present from my parents. I was a little mad on the drive home because I had to work until 6:00 that night and I still had to go to my apartment to finish packing. Anyways...I got home around 8:30, which isn't bad and then just sat around with my parents until about 11:00 just catching up. The next day was nice, I went into town, got my car inspected, watched my cousin's son take swim lessons, went to lunch with my mom and then did a little shopping with her after that.
Then went back home to get ready because we were going to go into San Antonio for dinner that evening. When my mom got off of work she gave me my presents!!! I got new dishes, which I knew I was getting because my mom had already spilled the beans. Anyways I was very excited...they're red on the top part and black underneath. YEA!! Just what I asked for. AND...I got a power drill!! That was a bonus. I had asked for that too...but I didn't realize I was going to get two presents!! Anyways... back to why my weekend was so wonderful.
Lindsay got to meet up with us for dinner which was awesome because I don't get to see her as much as I used to. So after we ate we decided to walk the mall to waste some time...after making a couple laps we went into the Cheesecake factory for a nice "girly" drink at the bar. Girly meaning they were fruity and $8.00. I know, that's ridiculous for one drink, but it was delicious and definitely worth it.
OK, then we drove to Sherlocks to meet up with some friends from college, on my way to the bar I called a few more people to come and meet us there. I called Chad (a youth director friend), but he was in Dallas at some ball game, then I called Chris, but his sister was in town and was haning with her, then I called Travis (some of you may also know him as T-diddy)...I don't know why I did because I know he never answers the phone when I call him, but I figured I would give it a shot, so I just left him a message to meet up with us and of course...never called and never showed. I don't know why I put myself through stuff like that. So fine...no one wants to come meet up with my for my birthday, that's fine, I'm cool with that.
So Lindsay and I decide to share a pitcher of Blue Moon...I never had it, and now I really like it. So that was exciting. Then our friend Josh shows up and Lindsay's boyfriend Pyle came too...so us four just sat around for a long while and did some more catching up. It was so nice...just like old times. I loved it. I think I turned to Josh like 5 different times and just said "I'm so excited that we're all haning out right now!!". I really was. I miss that group of friends. So then Josh decides that it's time to go somewhere different, so I ride with him to the Flying Saucer. It was a good 15 minute drive so we got to talk just the two of us. Which was nice, we talked about girls and boys and what's going on with them in our lives.
I'm not going to write about the whole night...then we go back to Lindsays to crash. I have a hard time sleeping when it's not my bed or apartment, so I laid on her fold out couch and talked on the phone. My brother and I are trying to get a vacation planned for next week...so far, we're lame because nothing is really coming up...but I have those three 1/2 days already taken off...so I'm doing something!!
OK, so I get up and go have lunch with my brother Cory before I head back to Georgetown. That drive was a great drive too because I got to talk to Lauren!! Yea, I miss you girl. Anyways, our conversations is 90% about boys...that's just how girls are. Apparently she has ruffled some feathers with one of the blogs she wrote. But Boys, just so you know, that blog was not aimed at one certain person and we both want you to know that. It was just a culmination of different circumstances that have happened to the both of us in the past couple years. It wasn't written to place blame on one single person it was just a statement of what has been struggles for us when it comes to guys. So please, don't think she was out to get you or make you question your feelings or actions...it was just written to be written. OK! Girls can sometimes "fall" a little quicker than guys do, and we just want you all to know that. One little phone call that is just a simple hello could really mean the world to the other person and we just want you to be aware of what you could be doing to someone's feelings, even if it isn't on purpose...OK...enough on that subject.
Saturday afternoon was nice and lazy...I got back around 3:00ish I guess and I laid on my couch for most of that afternoon. The next thing that made my weekend so wonderful were the random phone calls that I got. That afternoon my friend Wes called me. We went on a couple dates right after I graduated high school, but it was no big deal. But he just called to see how I was doing, which was really nice. It's just nice to know that people that you don't see except maybe on certain holiday's think about you periodically...Then I crash early, because I didn't get much sleep that couples nights before...and my phone rings at like 4:40 a.m. Who calls that late or that early?!! Well it was my friend Justin who moved to Arizona. He NEVER calls either. I haven't talked to him or seen him since last year at a friends wedding. He said he was just going to leave a message, but I know I wouldn't have called him back and it would have been nice to talk to him...so we chatted for like 8 minutes just doing a little catch up. I still don't know why he decided to call me, but he did.
Little things like that just really make my day. Then Sunday was awesome, my sponser Mrs. Davenport took me to lunch and then to the movies. We saw "You Me and Dupree". It was pretty good. I had a good time. Then later that night my cousin calls me too, he's pretty good about calling every now and then to catch up.
Anyways...it was just a great weekend of seeing/hanging out with old friends and then getting all these random phone calls. It was just nice. I needed a weekend like that to know that there are people out there that care/love me because sometimes when I'm up here I don't really get that all the time. It was a nice boost of reassurance. I also came to another realization...but I can't speak of that for a few more months...maybe January or February...whenever I get comfortable enough to let it out...
It started by making a trip home to Floresville, mostly because I'm greedy and I really wanted my birthday present from my parents. I was a little mad on the drive home because I had to work until 6:00 that night and I still had to go to my apartment to finish packing. Anyways...I got home around 8:30, which isn't bad and then just sat around with my parents until about 11:00 just catching up. The next day was nice, I went into town, got my car inspected, watched my cousin's son take swim lessons, went to lunch with my mom and then did a little shopping with her after that.
Then went back home to get ready because we were going to go into San Antonio for dinner that evening. When my mom got off of work she gave me my presents!!! I got new dishes, which I knew I was getting because my mom had already spilled the beans. Anyways I was very excited...they're red on the top part and black underneath. YEA!! Just what I asked for. AND...I got a power drill!! That was a bonus. I had asked for that too...but I didn't realize I was going to get two presents!! Anyways... back to why my weekend was so wonderful.
Lindsay got to meet up with us for dinner which was awesome because I don't get to see her as much as I used to. So after we ate we decided to walk the mall to waste some time...after making a couple laps we went into the Cheesecake factory for a nice "girly" drink at the bar. Girly meaning they were fruity and $8.00. I know, that's ridiculous for one drink, but it was delicious and definitely worth it.
OK, then we drove to Sherlocks to meet up with some friends from college, on my way to the bar I called a few more people to come and meet us there. I called Chad (a youth director friend), but he was in Dallas at some ball game, then I called Chris, but his sister was in town and was haning with her, then I called Travis (some of you may also know him as T-diddy)...I don't know why I did because I know he never answers the phone when I call him, but I figured I would give it a shot, so I just left him a message to meet up with us and of course...never called and never showed. I don't know why I put myself through stuff like that. So fine...no one wants to come meet up with my for my birthday, that's fine, I'm cool with that.
So Lindsay and I decide to share a pitcher of Blue Moon...I never had it, and now I really like it. So that was exciting. Then our friend Josh shows up and Lindsay's boyfriend Pyle came too...so us four just sat around for a long while and did some more catching up. It was so nice...just like old times. I loved it. I think I turned to Josh like 5 different times and just said "I'm so excited that we're all haning out right now!!". I really was. I miss that group of friends. So then Josh decides that it's time to go somewhere different, so I ride with him to the Flying Saucer. It was a good 15 minute drive so we got to talk just the two of us. Which was nice, we talked about girls and boys and what's going on with them in our lives.
I'm not going to write about the whole night...then we go back to Lindsays to crash. I have a hard time sleeping when it's not my bed or apartment, so I laid on her fold out couch and talked on the phone. My brother and I are trying to get a vacation planned for next week...so far, we're lame because nothing is really coming up...but I have those three 1/2 days already taken off...so I'm doing something!!
OK, so I get up and go have lunch with my brother Cory before I head back to Georgetown. That drive was a great drive too because I got to talk to Lauren!! Yea, I miss you girl. Anyways, our conversations is 90% about boys...that's just how girls are. Apparently she has ruffled some feathers with one of the blogs she wrote. But Boys, just so you know, that blog was not aimed at one certain person and we both want you to know that. It was just a culmination of different circumstances that have happened to the both of us in the past couple years. It wasn't written to place blame on one single person it was just a statement of what has been struggles for us when it comes to guys. So please, don't think she was out to get you or make you question your feelings or actions...it was just written to be written. OK! Girls can sometimes "fall" a little quicker than guys do, and we just want you all to know that. One little phone call that is just a simple hello could really mean the world to the other person and we just want you to be aware of what you could be doing to someone's feelings, even if it isn't on purpose...OK...enough on that subject.
Saturday afternoon was nice and lazy...I got back around 3:00ish I guess and I laid on my couch for most of that afternoon. The next thing that made my weekend so wonderful were the random phone calls that I got. That afternoon my friend Wes called me. We went on a couple dates right after I graduated high school, but it was no big deal. But he just called to see how I was doing, which was really nice. It's just nice to know that people that you don't see except maybe on certain holiday's think about you periodically...Then I crash early, because I didn't get much sleep that couples nights before...and my phone rings at like 4:40 a.m. Who calls that late or that early?!! Well it was my friend Justin who moved to Arizona. He NEVER calls either. I haven't talked to him or seen him since last year at a friends wedding. He said he was just going to leave a message, but I know I wouldn't have called him back and it would have been nice to talk to him...so we chatted for like 8 minutes just doing a little catch up. I still don't know why he decided to call me, but he did.
Little things like that just really make my day. Then Sunday was awesome, my sponser Mrs. Davenport took me to lunch and then to the movies. We saw "You Me and Dupree". It was pretty good. I had a good time. Then later that night my cousin calls me too, he's pretty good about calling every now and then to catch up.
Anyways...it was just a great weekend of seeing/hanging out with old friends and then getting all these random phone calls. It was just nice. I needed a weekend like that to know that there are people out there that care/love me because sometimes when I'm up here I don't really get that all the time. It was a nice boost of reassurance. I also came to another realization...but I can't speak of that for a few more months...maybe January or February...whenever I get comfortable enough to let it out...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Life in General
When people ask me where I see myself in 5 or 10 years, the first thing that comes to my mind is "HAPPY". It's not that I'm not happy right now with my life...it's just that I feel I could be happier at times. I pray by the time I'm 29 or 30 I'm hoping to be married. I've noticed that girls future always seem to revolve around being married and starting a family. I wonder why that is...and boys seem to think about their job and success when it comes to the future. Why don't I think of my future in terms of my job? I love my job, I really do, but I don't see myself doing this forever. I don't see myself going "forward" in this field with a higher position. So I'm content. I see my future as being a mother and raising a family and then seeing where my place is. I know for a fact that I am NO WHERE near being ready to be married and definitely don't want children any time soon...I just wish I knew for certain that it was somewhere in my future. Just to know that it will happen.
I'm also not much of a "dater". I'm not one of those girls that dates guys just so that I don't have to be alone. I'm very independent, And I'm very proud of myself for that. But sometimes I feel like I"m missing out on something by not seeing what's out there. I'm very picky when it comes to who I share things with and so if I've shared any sort of personal feelings or emotions with you, consider yourself lucky because I don't "waste" my time on just anyone. It takes a lot to get even questions or thoughts of feelings out of me. I'm a very "to myself" type of person and don't just go around opening up to everyone I come into contact with.
I don't know if it's because I have three brothers and so I'm used to being surrounded by guys...but never to actually open up to them about what's going on in my head. And that makes me scared to be in an emotional relationship with any guy, because I know my bro's are sometimes a little to over baring. (I have had brother's tell guys to not to call me anymore just because they didn't like them). But they've definitely gotten better when it comes to me discussing boys with them...whatever.
I guess I just feel like sometimes I'm running out of steam. I mean, I've lived in this same town for over two years and I feel like I haven't really experienced all the things I should have being the age I am and being single. I hope I haven't missed out on anything. I also just don't' want to be that girl that's always alone...sometimes I'm scared that that is where my life is leading me because I've gotten so used to living alone and doing everything on my own. And at the same time I like knowing that I don't have to rely on anyone to survive. I can take care of myself.
I guess, also, I'm just going through a confusing time in my life. As much as I love the independence, life sometimes gets lonely. Especially when friends are so far away. Even though Lauren is in South Carolina we still stay updated regularly on each others lives and are still just as close as we were before she left. Which gives me strength/faith/confidence that even though people are hundreds of miles away they can still last/work/survive. I love that girl so much and don't know what I would do without her. She definitely is one of the Rocks in my life and she gets tons of Gold Stars for that.
I guess my point is that life is confusing and full of unknowns and always will be. That's the beauty of it...its full of surprises and we never know what will happen next in our journey through life. All we can do is trust that God has this amazing plan for us and enjoy every day we have, cherish our friends and family and always tell people how you feel about them because we never know what's going to happen.
So to all my friends out there, I love you, and wish nothing but happiness for you and pray that God blesses your every thought and actions and give you peace of mind.
I'm also not much of a "dater". I'm not one of those girls that dates guys just so that I don't have to be alone. I'm very independent, And I'm very proud of myself for that. But sometimes I feel like I"m missing out on something by not seeing what's out there. I'm very picky when it comes to who I share things with and so if I've shared any sort of personal feelings or emotions with you, consider yourself lucky because I don't "waste" my time on just anyone. It takes a lot to get even questions or thoughts of feelings out of me. I'm a very "to myself" type of person and don't just go around opening up to everyone I come into contact with.
I don't know if it's because I have three brothers and so I'm used to being surrounded by guys...but never to actually open up to them about what's going on in my head. And that makes me scared to be in an emotional relationship with any guy, because I know my bro's are sometimes a little to over baring. (I have had brother's tell guys to not to call me anymore just because they didn't like them). But they've definitely gotten better when it comes to me discussing boys with them...whatever.
I guess I just feel like sometimes I'm running out of steam. I mean, I've lived in this same town for over two years and I feel like I haven't really experienced all the things I should have being the age I am and being single. I hope I haven't missed out on anything. I also just don't' want to be that girl that's always alone...sometimes I'm scared that that is where my life is leading me because I've gotten so used to living alone and doing everything on my own. And at the same time I like knowing that I don't have to rely on anyone to survive. I can take care of myself.
I guess, also, I'm just going through a confusing time in my life. As much as I love the independence, life sometimes gets lonely. Especially when friends are so far away. Even though Lauren is in South Carolina we still stay updated regularly on each others lives and are still just as close as we were before she left. Which gives me strength/faith/confidence that even though people are hundreds of miles away they can still last/work/survive. I love that girl so much and don't know what I would do without her. She definitely is one of the Rocks in my life and she gets tons of Gold Stars for that.
I guess my point is that life is confusing and full of unknowns and always will be. That's the beauty of it...its full of surprises and we never know what will happen next in our journey through life. All we can do is trust that God has this amazing plan for us and enjoy every day we have, cherish our friends and family and always tell people how you feel about them because we never know what's going to happen.
So to all my friends out there, I love you, and wish nothing but happiness for you and pray that God blesses your every thought and actions and give you peace of mind.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I Got What I Need
I always complain that I never have enough money. But of course it's my own fault. I like to buy stuff...stuff that I don't need. On Fridays while everyone else is working, I get bored, so I got shopping. Not necessarily for anything, but so that I can get out of my apartment. I just seem to always find something that I want or sometimes something that I need, and I buy it. There's always money in my account, so I don't usually think twice.
I also have an easier time buying for other people. If it's a gift, or if I just feel like buying someone something, it's just easier to spend on other people than it is for myself. Not that I don't buy myself stuff...but you know what I mean.
Then I complain to my mom that my rent is high and that my phone bill is ridiculous and that I should be putting more money towards my student loans and give more to the church. But I always seem to have enough money. I have absolutely nothing to compain about.
I caught the end of Oprah on Friday and it was about a couple that was going to see what it was like to live off of minimum wage for 30 days. Apparently it's very difficult. They barely have enough money for food and rent, and heaven forbid they have to take a trip to the doctor. That alone put them in debt for another three months. I need to be happy that I don't have to worry about where my next paycheck will come from or if it's going to be enough to cover all my bills. I know my paycheck will cover my bills and that I'll still have enough left over to "entertain" myself. And I am happy with my life and how everything is going...sometimes I just get that little selfish bug in me that wants to be spoiled. I just like knowing that everything is and will be taken care of for me...
I also have an easier time buying for other people. If it's a gift, or if I just feel like buying someone something, it's just easier to spend on other people than it is for myself. Not that I don't buy myself stuff...but you know what I mean.
Then I complain to my mom that my rent is high and that my phone bill is ridiculous and that I should be putting more money towards my student loans and give more to the church. But I always seem to have enough money. I have absolutely nothing to compain about.
I caught the end of Oprah on Friday and it was about a couple that was going to see what it was like to live off of minimum wage for 30 days. Apparently it's very difficult. They barely have enough money for food and rent, and heaven forbid they have to take a trip to the doctor. That alone put them in debt for another three months. I need to be happy that I don't have to worry about where my next paycheck will come from or if it's going to be enough to cover all my bills. I know my paycheck will cover my bills and that I'll still have enough left over to "entertain" myself. And I am happy with my life and how everything is going...sometimes I just get that little selfish bug in me that wants to be spoiled. I just like knowing that everything is and will be taken care of for me...
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