That Feeling

You know that feeling when you're nervous or excited or worried...where your stomach's in knots and your chest feels really tight? I've had that feeling for a couple days now and it's driving me crazy. I just want it to go away. I sort of know what's causing it, but I don't know how to fix it.

I wish life wasn't so hard. I hate how good my life can be at times and then just all of a sudden it's not good enough...there's no one to share it with and sitting in my empty apartment doesn't make it any better. Yes, I have friends around...but it's not the same. I'm so ready for a change, but I'm so scared to make any changes in my life because I know right now everything is taken care of. I'm still having a hard time being so far from everyone that means alot to me. You would think after 2 and a half years, I would starat to find things a little more comfortable. The first year was Awesome, it was new and exciting. The second year was so hard and Lauren can vouch for me on this one...I hated it. Crying three times a day because I missed everyone and had such difficult time. This year has gotten to be a little better. But Sunday night I found myself just as vulnerable. I was crying during every stupid TV show I was watching. Granted one of those shows was Extreme Make-Over Home Edition, seriously how can you watch that show and not cry. Anyways...

Maybe I'm just "hitting a wall" because I haven't really taken time for myself this year. I'm fixing that and taking a couple days off next week to spend some time with my brother. We had planned on going to the beach, but that fell through so I think we're going to stay downtown and see what that has to offer us.

I guess I'm just coming off this Birthday "high" as well. It's funny how people come out of the wood work for one day out of the year to appreciate you. Now I'm not saying I have to be appreciated everyday of the year...but it's weird how you don't hear from people for so long and then all of a sudden you're just bombarded with emails and phone calls and it makes you feel nice and then it's all over for another year. Why aren't people that friendly all the time? I guess I'm one to talk...I'm not good at stuff like that either. I have a hard enough time just picking up the phone and calling friends. I always feel like I'm bothering them...but when people call me I always make time for them. I hate how my mind thinks sometimes.

Well my nervous feeling isn't going away and I'm hoping I can figure out a way to stop it, but I Think it's just gonna take some time...