NUMB

You can't even imagine how much I hurt having to come back to my empty apartment. EVERY TIME I got to San Antonio I have a hard time leaving. I can already forsee how bad these next couple days will be. I always feel like I'm leaving a piece of me back there, or that I forgot to do something while I was there and now I have to wait until the next time I back to do it.

The whole drive back last night I just had this numb feeling, like I didn't care what happened to me...I could get in a car accident and I would have been fine with it. Being out of commission for a while. I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now and not actually doing ANYTHING. I get up take a shower go to work do my job and it just feels like I've doing nothing. I blink my eyes and the day is over and I don't remember doing anything...I just do it. I don't feel anything anymore. No emotions, no energy, no feeling...nothing.

My stomach has just been in knots and I can't eat. Now I'm back in the routine of my life here in G-Town...and the depression sinks in. I never realized how rough life can get.
Plus I get on this huge high of being around people I love for so long and then "BAMM" I'm back to just me and peanut in my apartment...now I love that girl...but it's difficult on me sometimes.

Plus I think I'm pissed that I didn't get to see a certain person while I was there...now I know it's better that way, but at the same time...I just think it would have made the trip a little more enjoyable...but then I would just get back here and beat myself up about it because I'm such a FOOL at times.

I always seem to set myself up for disappointment. I put myself in these situations where I know I'm going to get hurt...yet I can't stop myself. What's wrong with me? I am just a complete Idiot at times. I need to quit being a people pleaser and just do my thing...but I hate when other people aren't happy...no matter how unhappy it makes me. I really just need a change in my life...something to make ME happy. But I don't know what will make me happy. Sometimes I think I know what it is ...but it usually is a false sense of happiness.

I just need something to make that tense feeling go away to where I can be comfortable with life again.