Games, Changes and Fears

Where to start? I had an amazing weekend. It just could not have been any bettter. It was just so nice to be with someone and hang out. We didn't do much but hang out. I feel kind of bad for not taking him around and seeing the "sites", but I still don't know all the great places to go. But I had a good time just being able to be next to him.
We watched a lot of DVD's, that was great. I love watching movies. But I was just so tired for most of the time. That kind of sucked. I had a little temperature one night, that was because then I really felt shitty, but whatever.

I had to check on a dog for this family one night. The family with all the long horns. That was one of the best nights. We sat out on their porch and played with the dog. Then we fed the longhorns some "cubes". Now that was neat to see a city boy feed longhorns. It was adorable. Then we just sat on a swing under a tree and we just sat there for hours. It was just...Nice. We didn't say much, but just to be sitting there was an awesome feeling. I could have just stayed there for more hours.

My parents came through town one day and wanted to stop by. I don't know why, but Matt didn't want to meet them. Go figure. Anyways...I met up with them, I always like seeing my parents. They were surprisingly excited when I told them I had a visitor from Michigan. I guess the fact that someone would come all this way to see me is pretty awesome, so they were happy for me. Which was nice.

But you know...I feel the say way. For someone to fly 1500 miles just to see me and spend time with me, that's awesome. It's a big deal. I had such a good time just being here with him. But again, I'm not very good about sharing my feelings with other people. I thought it would be easier to tell him how I felt once I actually saw him. But you know what...whenever I looked at him it made me so happy, I just didn't want to say anything ridiculous that would ruin it. That's the main thing I'm scared of. I just think I get too nervous that sometimes words don't sound the same coming out of the mouth as they do inside the head. A few words about feelings came out, but I still feel like we're where we started.

I really just can't put into words all the stuff that I'm thinking and feeling right now. I know we only spent about 4 and a half days together, but taking him to the air port this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've never been one to let myself get too close to another person, I'm always too scared of the consequences. But I wasn't scared with him. Which is good and bad. We had to get up at about 3:30 this morning to get to the airport in enough time for his 6:00 a.m. flight. That was hard. My face is still all red and puffy from all the crying I've been doing. I'm such a cry-baby. But I let myself like him so much and I guess this is just what I get. I don't know how I'm supposed to act today...I'm going to be worthless because all I keep thinking of is....gosh I miss Matt...I wonder if or when I'll see him again...I wonder what's going on in his mind right now....Is he thinking the same thing I am? I tried bringing up the point about what to do from here. He's back in Detroit, I'm still here in Texas. How do we work this, do we have a relationship? None of us had an answer. So now I'm just confused, but I know I like him and I know he'll call me when he get's home, I just don't know anything else.

"Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here

When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together
But wer'e not
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm findin.
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm findin
I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possesion
Boy I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm findin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near"
-Macy Gray