Chillin' at the Lake 

Skipping rocks on the lake 

Just Need to Vent

I have so much to say and no one to tell it to. I guess I shouldn't say no one...I just have so much on my mind.

My weekend was great. I had a really good time with Chris while he was down. So let's see...Thursday after he got in we went to his cousin's house for burgers and some chit-chatting. It was nice not to cook or pay for meal. Then we headed to Austin. We walked the capital. I've only been their at night, it's a pretty neat place. Then we parked and walked 6th street. Just to give him a taste of Austin night life. We didn't go into any of the bars because they were all loud and obnoxious.
So Friday morning he got dropped off at my place and we watched a little tv. I had (well, I guess I didn't have to) to get a dress for a wedding I'm going to this weekend, so we went to the mall. First store I went into I found one. So that was nice. We ended up only being at the mall for about 30 minutes. That's even with walking the mall after I bought the dress. OK, then we came back to Georgetown and went to his cousins step-daughters lake house on Lake Beaucanan. It was a nice evening. Just hanging out, drinking beer, taking a boat ride and then sitting on the dock while a couple people fished. It was just a pleasant little evening.
Saturday we went to Buda and I took him to Cabela's. Which was exciting for him...I didn't get much out of it. We also went to Freebirds, gotta love that place.
Then he left on Sunday after church. It was a nice little visit. I thought it would be weird, but it wasn't. I was actually a little sad when I was leaving the airport. But I think airports in general just make me sad and I don't know why.

I feel bad because the whole time he was here I was just comparing him to Matt. I know I should NOT have done that, but I did. I couldn't help it. I thought I had it figured out, I "want" someone that is Christian (preferably Lutheran), in a band, tall, cocky, funny, sweet. I shouldn't judge people, but I kept thinking...he's not Matt. What the hell is wrong with me. How could I possibly still be hung up on someone that was just in my life for a brief time? weird. I was looking at my text message folder in my phone and I have SOOOO many to and from Matt that are still in my memory. It makes me sick out sweet we were too each other. Aaaauuuu.

Anyways...as I was thinking last night...I really liked having someone around that I can just hang out with and hold hands with and that just makes me feel safe. But then I was also thinking. I couldn't do this for that long, which made me realize I don't think I want to be married any time soon. Or maybe I do and I just haven't found that someone that just makes it easy to be with for a good length of time. I guess I still have a lot of figuring out to do.

I got a phone call from my cousin Bryan last night too. We ended up talking for about an hour. He's fun to talk to. He's 28 or 29 (I can't remember) and he's reading a book about how to pick up chicks. It's funny to hear him talk about that. He's a good looking guy, real nice and fun, just shy when it comes to the ladies. Poor guy. He try's real hard though.

After I got off the phone it dawned on me how lonely and empty my apartment. I just get these overwhelming feelings sometimes about "oh my gosh, I am sooo alone right now". And my apartment and life just feels so lonely. It's weird. Usually I'm alright, but every now and then I just get this feeling of 'there's no one to share my life with', 'no one know's what I'm doing right now', 'does anyone really care what I did today?'. Anyways...it only comes at night and I got one of those last night. I still don't really want a roommate, although it would really help with all my bills, I just like getting to do whatever I want in my own dwelling.

OK...this is an essay and for any of you who actually took the time to read it...you've got to be more bored than I am right now. Get a job.

What's Really on my Mind

I always got pissed when guys would string me along making me think that they liked me and wanted a "relationship" of some sort. I would always think in my mind: Spare me the time and energy, just tell me you don't like me in that way and I'll move on. Yes it would suck to have someone tell you that, but at least then you don't feel like a fool for believing something would come of it.

I've heard the phrase, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings, enough times. What, do you think it's easier to grow feelings for a while and then tell me your not interested? What's better buddy? Tell me know or tell me later? I'd rather get it over with.

And here I am...string along this poor guy because I don't have the guts to hurt his feelings. I've never been on this side before and I really don't like it. All I've told this guy is that there can't be a relationship because of the distance...I never told him that I'm not interested in him in that way. Because if I was interested, I would figure something out.

I'm beginning to understand the difficulty that guys have when it comes to the opposite sex. It's just not easy to let someone down. It sucks whether you're the one doing the talking or the one receiving. I guess this is just a life lesson...don't drag things on.

I've had so much anger built up towards guys when they drag out the "conversation". But seriously, they got to have balls to do that. Who wants to make someone else unhappy? No one, I hope.
So to all you guys that are just waiting for the "right time" to have the "conversation"...there's never a Right time. Just do it before there are too many emotions at stake. Sometimes girls fall too quickly and so once you know you're not interested, let them know. Don't wait a week or two to see if your feelings change, do it immediately so that it won't be as hard...on both your parts.
These are just my two cents...do with it what you wish.

Brrrrrr! It's cold in here

...there must be some Torroh's in the atmosphere.

I couldn't believe it when I walked outside this morning for work, I got the chills. It was actually cool outside. I know they said we were getting a cold front, but I was thinking...80's or something. My weather bug says that it's 66 outside right now. That's cold for me, and I didn't even bring a jacket or sweater to work today. My feet are freezing. When your feet are cold, your whole body is cold. But I guess it beats the 105 we had yesterday, right.

I'll leave work early today to pick Chris up at the airport. I always like making excuses to leave work early. We'll have a nice little weekend. Today is mostly hanging out, dinner with his cousin, then drinks with Lauren. Tomorrow we'll hang out again and then go to the Lake for some fishing and jet ski's. Saturday is still open, maybe a movie or something. I don't know. We'll just see how things go. His cousin called me about 5 times yesterday wanting to know if I've made any plans yet. She's stressing more than I am about having something for us to do every moment that he here. I keep telling her that we'll just think of something when the time comes. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her and she wants me to have an itinerary for every day. That is NOT going to happen. I'd rather just do something on the spur of the moment. Most likely we'll just rent a bunch of movies. That's easy enough.
Good thing this cold front came in today too. He's been living in days where the high is only 55, and we had 105 yesterday. He would have literally melted.

Wish me luck...

Let the fighting words Lie

I think I've hit The Wall.
I am a little tired of people telling me how to do my job, when they aren't even my boss. SHIT, I'm doing my best. If you want something done, why don't you help me out and do it yourself. My job is just really getting to me. I hear it from youth, parents, and volunteers. Give me a break OK. I know I can't please everyone, but give me some kind of credit.

I feel like I'm in a bad mood all the time. I'm ALWAYs on edge. Jumpy, distracted, pissed-off, frustrated, stressed...you name it, I feel it.

Luckily I get to go home next weekend. Family usually cheers me up. Or maybe I should just go shopping.

I'm ready for something new, or at least some help with Life. I'd like to move...far away. Just for a while. Get a change of scenery for a while.

Also, I don't know if I'm going crazy, or just under that much stress. But I swear when I turn the lights out to go to sleep at night...I'm hearing people whispering in my room. There's a boy and a girl and it's like they're just having a creepy conversation. It scared the crap out of me last night. I had to turn the radio on just to fall asleep. It was really weird. I usually don't get scared in my apartment, but that kind of freaked me out. It's happened the past two nights. What does that mean?

Days like this

I hate days like this...

I had such an awesome weekend, I did great doing the church service, the dedication was great, Saturday was just a good day. Sunday I had 15 youth show up for the Sunday night Meeting. 15!!! That's awesome.
Then...Monday comes along and bites you in the butt.

I've already been stressing about Chris coming down on Thursday. I just don't want to hurt his feelings in any ways, so that has just been on my mind.

But, get this. I got a couple of emails from my youth in the high school group that are just complaining about how I'm doing my job. They feel left out or included...well, then. Come hang out with us. Make yourself a part of the group. It really just hurt my feelings that I try so hard to make things fun and then I hear something like this that just wasn't expected at all. I thought I stressed before...Now, I just want to cry because that makes me feel like crap.

How much is Too much?

I totally got 10 hours of sleep last night. It was awesome. I don't know if I was just that tired and worn out, or if there's something wrong with me. I've been under so much stress lately. I'm like my Dad, we just stress over every little thing instead of just letting it all go.

Well I ended up having a long conversation with my Dad last night and then he handed the phone off to Mom so that I could have a long conversation with her. I'm struggling with having to help out my cousin. I don't know the situation, but my Aunt called me about a week ago and asked if I would invite my cousin to stay with my for a weekend just so that she can be around Christians and see what the real world is really like. That's a lot of pressure. What makes me this person that can just fix everything? Apparently my cousin is just having a hard time with life and my Aunt things that spending time with me would plant some kind of seed. I don't live a perfect life, I don't always do what I should do, I'm "sad" a lot of the time. I just don't see what it is about me that my family thinks I can handle something like this. Anyways...that worries me.

Work is also taking a toll on me. I have parents coming up to me with certain matters, I feel I'm focusing more attention to certain youth that others, my confirmation curriculum is just a whole other story, I have to do the service this Sunday, which should be too bad, just another thing to think about. I'm so worried about this National Gathering that the Lutheran Church does every three years. There's one next summer and it's in San Antonio and I'm having a hard time getting people to sign up this early in advanced. I just need a day to myself to just NOT think about anything work related.

Plus, I was unloading my dishwasher this morning and stuck my thumb on a knife and cut myself pretty good. It's just been one of those weeks.

We Fall Down

I ended up taking the afternoon off to go to Temple. I needed to take my Saturn in to the dealership to have them look at it because it's been making some gross ticking noises whenever I first start it and it continues while I accelerate. But then it stops after I drive for a while. Anyways...of course it doesn't make the ticking noise for them when I have them start it up. So they take it for a test drive and take it up the shop and take it apart. Well, as they were taking it apart they found that I needed new bearing on my back tire, so I replaced that. And the only ticking noise they could find was some bend piece of metal by my exhaust pipe that they just bent back into place. So end up spending like $250.00 and this morning when I get in my VUE to go to work...it's still ticking. Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuugh. I'm just going to assume that since they check the whole engine and didn't find anything, that I have nothing to worry about. Let's hope.

I also got to have lunch with Kyle yesterday. We went to Applebee's. I really like having lunch with Kyle because he's just a fun guy. I like having someone that I can be mean and rude and sarcastic too, and still have them hang out with me. But it's all out of love. We had an eating contest with our Quesa-dill-a's. We pretty much tied. I could have one, but I didn't want to make him look bad, so I quit eating when he quit eating. Just kidding...I was totally full.
Lauren, we'll all hang out together sometime and have good times.

I'm also trying this new diet where I eat a lot of cookies. Apparently I lost about 5 pounds somewhere along the way, so I'm going to try and find them...maybe even more. I baked some cookies last night as well to kick off this new plan. I only had about 3 last night...but that's because I had just eatin' dinner. We'll see how this works.

My eye is still twitching too, depending on whether I feel like it or not, I might just stop in to the optomotrist at Wal Mart and ask them what they think is going on. I definitley am always tired, although I get the recommended 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I guess I look at this computer screen too much. But it's just so hard not to.

"We fall down, we lay our crown
At the feet of Jesus
The greatness of His mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus
No more fears, you’ve dried our tears
At the feet of Jesus
Grace abounds to all who’ve found
The feet of Jesus"

What's it About?

Crazy things that have been happening:

* I've been feeling the urge to dress more like a girl these past couple of days. Weird. Like today, I actually wore heels to work. Now, I don't really know what I was thinking on that one, but these were the ONLY shoes that would have worked with the out fit. It sure does make me feel better when I actually dress nice. I guess this is my way to making myself feel good.

* My neighbor made/brought me dinner last night. It was awesome...steak and some kind of avocado salad. Delicious. He said he would have invited me over to eat. But now that his ex-wife moved back in with him, he's not allowed to invite girls over. Which is wierd, I mean come on, he's like 53 years old. Like something was really going to happen. Why are girls like that. I could be her daughter too...

*I was talking to Chris last night while I was laying in bed. I was hearing some strange noises in my apartment. That was the first time in the whole year and half I've been living by myself, that I was actually a little freaked out. So he was trying to be funny and make it worse...that made me mad and then I almost called him Matt.Tthe 'M-A' was out of my mouth and then I caught myself and said Chris. That could have been bad. I can't believe I almost dropped that. The names don't even sound the same, but the whole time I'm talking to him, I'm think Matt Matt Matt Matt....Aaaauuuuuuuu

*My right eye has been twitching like crazy for the past 4 days. It's getting a little annoying. So I went on the internet to diagnose myself. So far the only thing I learned is that it's probably because I look at the computer screen all day, I'm always tired and my eyes don't have time to rest. Which means if it doesn't stop, I may have to go to an eye doctor and get some reading/computer glasses. That's just more money I would have to spend. Plus my car is still making awful noises and I'm going to need new tired pretty soon as well.

Lots of stuff going on...

This is Our World

What a weekend. I'm just spent. I could sleep for days. I have gross bags under my eyes...that hasn't happened in a while.
The weekend was just jammed with stuff. My meetings on Thursday and Friday evening were pretty much pointless to an extent. I could rip my hair out sometimes. But I got to spend the night with my friend Courtney on Friday. That was good for us. We hardly get to see each other any more.

Saturday was a wedding shower for an old family friend. That was fun to see all of them again. But it was an evening one, so I didn't stay long because I had to be back that night because of church the next day. So it was just a little rushed. I got pulled over on the way back in San Marcos. I thought it was because I was talking on the phone and going 13 miles over the recommended speed. NO. It was because I was driving in the left hand lane and not letting the people going faster than 13 miles over pass. WHAT?!! I wasn't paying attention to that, I was distracted by my phone conversation. Whatever...the cop was nice and just let me go with a spoken warning. Not even a paper warning. I guess it helps to be cute!! Just kidding.

Sunday was a good day as well. Got to see lots of friends. My best friend Becca is pregnant. That's exciting. She's going to be an amazing mother. I love her too much. But now I'm in the funk where, not only are ALL my friends getting married, but they're starting a family. I'll just quietly sulk. Not really. I'm super happy for all of them.
But you want more news? Here it is. Matt was in Dallas Again this past week...not even an email to say..."hey I'm in Texas". Jerk. Not reall, he's really nice when he sends me emails. Whatever.

Talked with Chris last night and he bought a plane ticket to come see me the last weekend in September. That's exciting. It should be fun, but I keep thinking...why put ourselves through this when we already established the fact that there won't be a future between us. Well, I guess we'll just see what happens.

"This is our world.
It's not his, or her's or mine.
This is our world.
Don't you think it's time we started living like what we know."
-Ryan Davenport

I don't mean to Brag

While I was having dinner with Julie and her family the other night (she's my Bible Study leader) she asked me if I work out. Now, this is not the first time I have been asked this question. I looked at her with one of my usually "funny" expressions, and said 'Of course I don't work out'. She was amazed. Her reply was "your arms are just that well defined". Being unaware of the circumstances, I just said I guess.
I have never noticed if my arm are toned or if my stomach is flat...that's just how my body is. I've heard it before from others, but I always just brush it off. But now I'm a little excited that people notice...is that weird? I guess that gives people more reason to be pissed to because I don't have to work at my appearances...well, maybe I work on my hair and my face but not the hard stuff. Now, I'm not trying to sound cocky by any means...it's just nice to be complimented.

I talked with Chris last night as well. We always end up talking way too late and then I'm always tired the next day. Funny thing I noticed last night: I lay in my bed as I talk on the phone with him, and it's usually late, so all the lights are off that way all I have to do is hang up the phone and go to sleep. OK, so you know how if you see a bright like and you close your eyes, there's that image of something on the back of your eyelids...well last night, as I was hanging up the phone and checking the time, the back light seemed extra bright. So I put the phone away and shut my eyes...you know what the image was in my eyes....a heart. It was so weird. Kind of sweet.

Well, this is going to be a busy weekend. Going home for a wedding shower for an old family friend and then Sunday I'm going to Lutherstock. It's a couple of Christian bands that get together for a show out at the summer camp that we go to every year. It's for my high school kids. I'm excited...Ryan is going to be playing solo as one of the acts. Yea...I always like listening to him sing.

How are you?

I just finished having snacks with the quilting ladies. Every Wednesday at 10:00, there are some kind of goodies being served. Yum!

I noticed that whenever someone asks me "How are you?". I ALWAYS smile and say "I'm good" "Things are wonderful" "Fantastic" and so on.

Why is that? Is it just an instinct? Because then I feel bad because it's usually a type of lie. I'm not always good, I just don't want people to know that I'm not doing as good as I should be...

Holding on by Letting go...

I had dinner with my Bible Study leader and her family last night. That was nice to just be in a home and hang out with someone. This is going to be a stressful couple days ahead of me. I'm on a planning team for a high school gathering at the end of December and for some reason whenever we meet it takes about 3 or 4 hours. I HATE it. Mostly because I didn't really volunteer to do anything...people just ASSUMED that I would help. So we have a big meeting Thursday night, which makes me mad because I wanted to go to a Bible Study. Hopefully, I'll still go, I'll just be super late. Then we have another one on Friday night. Who plans meetings on Friday nights? I had plans to go home friday afternoon, but now I have to wait until about 5:00 for the meeting which could quite possibly last a couple hours, before I leave. Whatever.
Life just makes me want to scream right now....

I could quite possibly be the most ridiculous girl in the world. Why do I still have these ridiculously strong feelings for someone that is so far away and doesn't even try to make any kind of contact with me. How can someone be attracted to someone like that? Seriously? Is it just my sick way of torchering myself? I mean come on...It's been like over three months since I've even talked to this guy, but in all seriousness, he still pops into my mind daily. Why am I putting myself through this. I have my good days...but I guess today is just a bad day. I'm better than this. I think of him and I think of all the wonderful and sweet things he did for me, but that's all I focus on. I keep looking past the fact that he doesn't care....
I guess all the emotions are coming back because I know what Chris is going through. But come on. At least I still keep a friendship with him and talk about what's going on and what's going to happen. Shit, Matt just dropped me like a bag of shit. I need to just quit being a girl and move on. So why is it so hard for me? I don't know.




"Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you"
-The All American Rejects

Where does my strength Come from?

Sometimes I just get so confused about all sorts of stuff. Stuff that should be confusing, stuff that should be easy. I was talking with Chris last night for a long time and we were discussing our "situation" that we are in. We've only been talking for a couple of weeks and spend two full days together and already he's telling me he has these feelings for me. In my mind I'm thinking "What?...we haven't even known each other that long, how can you feel this way already?" But then I think...that's exactly how it was when Matt came down. I fell head over heels when I first saw him at the airport and have had a very difficult time with him not wanting anything to do with me right now.

Weird how stuff like that happens. It's the same situation, but turned around. I mean, I do like Chris, we had a great time together when I was in Sturgeon Bay. But I'm trying to be realistic about the situation. I don't want to put myself through any of this again, with the whole long distance. Because I know reality says that nothing can come of this that can lead to a future together. I won't move to Wisconsin and he won't move to Texas...so it's fun for now, but why put ourselves through whole ordeal of "feelings" when we could be finding someone closer to us. And now I'm thinking...I would have dropped everything and moved to Detroit if Matt would have asked me to. Why is that? I guess I was just infatuated with the idea.

I'm thinking once I find that "ONE" person, it won't be this hard. Things will just work out and I won't have to question anything about what I'm feeling. Things will just be right. Right? Of course.

I guess I just need to live right now and do my job because this is my place right now. Working in Georgetown at this awesome church and just being BECKY for now. My day will come...

"I lift my eyes up, unto the moutains
where does my help come from?
My help comes from You, maker of heaven
creator of the earth

oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You're my only prayer

so I will wait for You
to come and rescue me
to come and give me life"
-Kutless

Chris and I in front of the "Bridge" in Sturgeon Bay 

Back to Texas

Well...I'm back from my journey to the North. I had an awesome time. Wisconsin is just a very beautiful state...at least the parts that I went to. Lots of farms and silo's and cows. A little chilly for the beginning of September, but it was really nice.

I saw a lot of the neat sites around Lake Michigan. That is so beautiful. I didn't realize how large that lake really is. It looks like the ocean. You can stand and look at it, and not see land in front of you. I'm not used to Lakes being that large. And the water was clear, you could see down to the bottom...I guess Texas just isn't that clean. Then we just checked out all the small touristy towns up there, saw goats on a rooftop at one of the restaurants, played some mini-golf...Yes, I won. Then we had dinner at his parents house. Apparently they had just been dying to meet me. They were a really sweet family.

Chris was awesome too. We had a great time hanging out, we got along really nicely. He owns a Harley Davidson, so Friday we spent all day riding that. We drove it into Green Bay, which is about an hour away. We checked out the Green Bay Packers Stadium. There was a caged Grizzly Bear there...that was unexpected. Pretty neat. The rest of the time, when we weren't site-seeing, we were just hanging out watching movies or tv. Not real exciting...but just hanging out time.

It was sort of hard to leave on Saturday morning. But I was strong. I really didn't want to put myself through another "Matt" situation. Because that seriously killed. I do like Chris and we get along great, but I just can't make myself "fall" for someone again that is so far away. Knowing something could never come of it, is just pointless to try, right? I don't think I could ever leave Texas...and I know for a fact he could never leave Wisconsin.

But it's nice to have that friendship with someone far away. He'll most likely come to Texas sometime and we'll hang out, and maybe I'll go back to Wisconsin. I don't know what the future holds. At least he still calls me once I left. Not like some other out-of-state person I know. Anyways...it was a great trip.
But when it comes to relationships...I think I'm going to need to start looking a little closer to my area. At least try and stay in Texas :)

check out the rest of my pictures: http://beckyalynpics.blogspot.com/

This is It

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!
I'm getting so nervous. But I am so excited to go to Wisconsin. That should be neat.

I was talking with Christ last night and he was telling me that his mother already had this huge dinner planned for tonight when I get there with the whole family. I am so glad that Chris got me out of that one. I'm sure they're wonderful people...but that's not really something I want to do right away. That would be a little intimidating. So we'll just hang out together tonight. That should be a little more pleasant.

I still don't really know what he looks like. So I'm going to get to Green Bay and just look around. He know's what I look like, so at least he'll know what to look for. Mary (his cousin that goes to my church) told me to just look for a hot guy with dark hair...That could be anyone.

OK...I'm outta here. Pray for me as I make this journey by myself.

(Lauren...I'll talk to you soon, OK)

Had A Blast

This weekend was awesome. Something that i was looking forward to and it was great. I got to see all my extended family on Saturday. We had a huge Bar-B-Que with everyone, which was great. I really love my family. Plus my cousins have little kids and they're always fun to play with.
I also got to go home this weekend. My whole family was there...all 6 of us. That was awesome. We haven't all been at the house together at one time since Christmas morning. Well, my two older brother's and I went to the Falls City Church Picnic on Sunday which was good times. It was just a good day. Lots of people that we all went to high school with were there, so we all got to play catch up. Beer and Barbeque...can't beat that. Then on Monday we were all back at the house together. We had a huge hamburger lunch. It was weird to all be around the same table we grew up eating around togher. Then we just sat outside. We do that a lot. Just sit on the back porch telling stories. I even found a copperhead snake in the yard and got to watch my dad and my brother Andy chop it up.
Anyways...it was just great to be home for a while and have everyone there. That just doesn't happen much anymore.

Am I Crazy??!!!

Seriously, am I?
I just purchased a plane ticket to fly to Wisconsin next Wednesday...
I must be out of my mind. OK...so Yes, I did have a guy fly out to see me...but that's different. Now, I'm flying out to see a guy. I've only talked to him like three times on the phone too. That's ridiculous. I guess it can't be that bad. His cousin goes to my church and can vouch for him, but still. It's a little nerve racking for me to do that.
Plus that means I have to fly by myself. That's going to be just as scary. And layovers...they're only like 35 minutes...I sure hope that's enough time to get from one terminal to the next.
Maybe I should just stop thinking of everything that can go wrong and just have fun with it.

I just talked to my cousin about it, I asked if he could drive me to the airport. I told him the story and he was just blown away that I would be doing something like this.

At least I'll have a neat story to tell...right?

Acoustic #3

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway

-GooGoo Dolls

How do you know?

The past couple weeks I've really been contemplating what I should be doing with my life. Not just right now, but also in the future.

The people that Lauren and I met in Key West all had college degrees and just decided that since they didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives, they would just move to the Keys for a while and just LIVE and work. How awesome to be able to just pick up and leave.

As for me I graduated college early, got a salary paid job, medical and dental insurance, FICA, plus, I set up my own additional retirement plan. This was all while I was 21. What kind of sane 21 year old does something like that? I was talking with my neighbor about life yesterday and if I was missing out on anything. How many people my age are even out of college? I look at what I have done and I am so proud of myself and I know that when I'm older I'm going to appreciate everything that I have done, espcially that I have a couple retirement plans so that hopefully I will be able to retire when the time comes. BUT...I am still so young. Shouldn't I be living and seeing the world and doing all this exciting stuff now before I settle down?

I don't know what life is supposed to be lie. One side of me wants to just travel around and get odd jobs wherever I land...but then the other side of me is thinking: Becky you have it so awesome right now and are in a secure position that people older that you are wanting what you have right now.

How am I supposed to know what I should be doing??

"These are my thoughts written down on paper,
It's my only savior,
From not saying what I want to say,
These are the thoughts that are on my mind,
Moments that haven't yet been defined,
And I don't know if you could ever understand,
These are the things I can't say when were alone."
-NFG

Galaxy 500

So this weekend was awesome. I really had a good couple of days. My younger brother and my cousin spent Thursday night at my place, and so we hung out on Friday. We did lunch at Chili's...My treat...and then we went to the movies. We saw "40 Year Old Virgin"...I had already seen it on opening night. But that was the only movie I wanted to see out of the ones they chose. It was hilarious, even the second time. So that was good times.

Then, Saturday I went to an awesome 16th Birthday party for Brinney...Good times!!

But I got to hang out with my cousin Richard again that night. It was fun. I had never really actually hung out with him before. Him and my brother are the same age so they always hung out together. But he took me down town and we went to a "Going Away" party for our friend Brad who is going into the Peace Corp next month. Anyways...it was great. We hung out at the party and then we even went bowling together. I didn't realize how much fun this is. We'll probably hang out together more often, now that we got that initial first time 'hanging-out' out of the way.
Whatever...Sunday was good to. I had a couple of pool parties that I had to attend for my youth. They all turned out really well, a good show at both of them. And I didn't even have to get in and swim. I was just the authority figure, which is great, because I'm not much of a swimmer.

I also got a phone call from Wisconsin boy (chris) last night. We ended up talking for about 3 hours. It was nice. He seems like a really neat person. I don't know what to expect of it because it was kind of a "forced" meeting. Not really... I don't know how to describe it without writing an essay. Anyways...I would like to talk to him again because we seemed to get along on the phone. I don't know...we'll see what comes out of it.

Phone Calls

Yesterday was jus the day for phone calls...

Carl: One of my best friends from college called and was returning a phone call about a meeting he needs to be at with me tonight. He's helping us on a project for December.

Dube: I had a huge crush on him in College and we were really good friends. He just wanted to catch up and see how things were going. That really made me smile. He is such a nice guy, so it was nice to hear from him and know that he was thinking of me.

Daniel: My younger brother...he just wanted to know if he could crash at my place for the night. He did, it was fun. We hung out.

Chris: That guy from Wisconsin that a lady from the church is trying to hook me up with. He has a VERY deep voice with an accent. It was nice to hear from him actually. We only talked for about 10 minutes, but he'll said he'll call later.

Chris: Another guy from sort of TLU. I hung out with him a couple weeks ago on 6th Street. We kind of made out a little even though he has a girlfriend. I felt bad afterwards, but whatever. Anyways...he said he was going to come up in a couple weeks and said he would call to hang out. Plus, he just wanted to hear my voice. Puh-Leaze. I don't understand guys. Plus, when were getting off the phone, he called me "mama"...OK, so I do have some people that call me that, but they're close friends. So for him to do that was kind of weird.

All in all it was an interesting day of phone converstaions.

Brighter than Sunshine

This is definitely a song I would like to dance to at my wedding (whenever that may be):

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine A
nd it's brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...

-Aqualung

I Did It

I'm trying to freshen up my life right now. I'm not real sure how to do that...but that's what I want to do right now.
I deleted Matt from some of my profile sites...Everytime I log on to them, his face pops up and it just makes me hurt. So...I did it. I took him off and hopefully that will do something. Plus I'm just trying to stay positive. Sometimes that's a little easier said than done. I'm not someone that can just push people out of my life and forget about them. Everyone stays with me somehow. So that's a big deal for me to do that to someone. But it's for the Best and it will make me a Better person. Hopefully a little happier.

Brighter than Sunshine

I like opening up my Rolling Stones Magazine and reading about people from Texas. I just think it's neat. I also like it when I actually like the people.

In college I lived next door to these awesome soccer players. They were great guys. Well, they were I guess, 'Thugs at Heart'. If you know what I mean. Anyways...they were really into this Mike Jones character. I listen to rap, I even did my senior thesis on rap music. But I had never heard of him. Well, they made me one of his cd's and it's great. It's all free-style, chopped and screwed. Good stuff. But it was one of those things that if you weren't from Houston, you most likely had never heard of him. Well, of course now he's all over the radio. But I just like thinking back a couple years when it was all new to me. Good times.

"Hittin the block with rocks in socks let down my top
when the sun is hot
ice drippin from grilling watts
some complain cause Mike is hot"
-Mike Jones

I watched "Alot like Love" last night. Now that was a great movie. I had never seen it. It was super good. I really enjoyed. I'll recommend that to you all.

"What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine A
nd it's brighter than sunshine"
-Aqualung

Lesson's on Happiness

1. Be on the lookout for negative thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking your life is terrible, stop the thought in its tracks.

2. Put things in perspective. Remember, everyone's life is full of sorrows and joys.

3. Try to find the good in bad situations. If you've suffered a setback at work, for example, look at what the situation tell you about yourself and learn from it. But don't dwell on it.

4. Learn from your mistakes. Failure is one of the greatest learning tools, but many people let failure deeat them. Learn and try, try again.

5. Even if you're felilng down, act as if your mood is good. Smile at others. Laugh. After a while, you may find that your mood really does improve.

6. Be grateful. Gratitude can help you focus on what's right in your life.

Sure, some of this sounds easy...but it's not always.

As taken from the July 2005 Issue of the Mayo Clinic Health Question

Little Things

Have you ever noticed how little things just trigger your memory? Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes that's a bad thing.
The song "It's Been A While" always reminds me of Justin because he would constantly sing that when we worked at camp together.
Margarita's make me think of Courtney.
The smell of cloves reminds me of the summer of 2002.
Napolean Dynamite makes me think of just about all my high school youth.
The list could go to.
Well I was walking down my short hallway in my apartment this weekend and I noticed that my High School Graduation picture was hanging upside down. Yes, I had noticed it earlier but I just never did anything about it. Well, Matt did that while he was down and I just thought it was cute to keep it like that. Why did I keep it like that? Because I'm a girl. I hate these little triggers that just bring thoughts flooding back into my head...get them out!!

"The Little things, little things
They always hang around
The Little things, little things
They try to break me down
The Little things, little things
They just won't go away
The Little things, little things
Made me who I am today"
-GC

I also don't understand what goes on in people's minds when they say..."I'll call you later" or "We'll talk soon". Just say: "I'm NOT going to call you, so don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring". Yea, it's harsh, but I'd rather hear that than wonder when the next time a phone call is going to come. I've actually had a friend tell me that once...goodness was there a ton of questions going through my mind. But you know, as much as it hurt, I wasn't waiting around like an idiot for something to happen. I still sit around thinking...maybe he'll call today. Damn, Becky. Get over it.

On another note. I sure did get a lot of compliments on Sunday about how good I looked. I don't want to brag, but I can clean up nicely when I want to.
I got my first pedicure yesterday too. It was a treat from my future mother-in-law for my birthday. It was a nice little day. I was extremely impresed with it. Usually, I don't like anything near my feet, but I was so glad that I did that. Good Day.

Are You Kidding Me???

Seriously...what's the deal with blogger spam. That is ridiculous. Aaaaauuuuugh...

So yesterday was a non-stop day. I got to work and was actually doing stuff when another area youth director came over to chit-chat over some ideas. Well turns out that I just started to vent about life and the sorts and she was like...OK, let's get out of here. So we ran some errands, went to lunch, and worked on an event that we are doing together with some other churchs tomorrow. Anyways...it was nice to get out of the office and be with people for a while. But it was a long day, I didn't get back to my church to go home until 7:00...I was beat. But I scrounged up enough energy to go meet up with Lauren.

Really, I wouldn't have missed it even if I was tired. She keeps me sane. Plus, who wouldn't want to hang out with her. I love spending time with her. We went to the usually spot...*bux. Love it. And just talked about life, boys, work, and shared some more Key West Pictures. Her's are amazing...be looking for those in the future.

Then I went straight to the wonderful town of Walburg for a little Kariokee watching. I say watching because there is no way I would get up in front of people I don't know and make a fool of myself. But Kyle...I respect you for that. You and Brandon were AMAZING. Yes, that was sarcasm. But still, I mean it. Good times. Thanks for calling to hang out.

Since I got to stay out late last night...I slept till about 11:15. Holy Moly, I haven't slept that late for a while now. But it was great, I really needed that. So today is going to be a lazy day...YESSSS. Maybe a movie tonight, right? Alright, Peace Out yo's.

Wisconsin Vs. Michigan

I have this woman at church, who is also a great friend and a mother of one of my high school girls. Well, she has a cousin that is from Wisconsin that she wants to hook me up with. She keeps telling me how nice he is and that he has a great job and he's stable and all this wonderful stuff.

So she emails his mother some pictures of me and keeps calling him to make some kind of contact with him. Well, he called her last night and left a message on her cell phone, so she came up to church a little while ago so that I could also hear the message he left. You can really tell that he's from Wisconsin. It was kind of cute.

I had dinner at their house last night and she showed me some old pictures of him...like 5 years old. He's pretty cute...so that's good. At least she's not "setting me up" with someone that isn't fun to look at.

So I'm a little excited, a little nervous and a little overwhelmed. I haven't really had much luck wtih this out-of-state stuff recently, so I don't know what is going to make this one any better. Plus...it get's cold in Wisconsin. Anyways...we'll just see what happens.

A Little Bit of Me

B/A/S/I/C/S/
What is your first name?: BECKY
What is your second name:? ALYN
What is your zodiac sign?: LEO

/L/O/O/K/ /A/T/ /M/E/
Whats your natural hair color?: DARK BLONDE
What is your current hair color?: 'TRUFFLE'
What color are your eyes?: TODAY THEY'RE BLUE...SOMETIMES THEY'RE GREEN, SOMETIMES GRAY...DEPENDING ON WHAT I'M WEARING
Piercings?: JUST MY EARS
Tattoos?: YEA...TWO
Long or Short Hair?: SORT OF LONG
Straight or Curly?: STRAIGHT
How tall are you?: 5'3"
Whats your shoe size?: 8

/C/U/R/R/E/N/T/L/Y/ W/E/A/R/I/N/G
What shirt are you wearing?: A BLACK TANK TOP WITH A WHITE TANK TOP OVER IT
What kind of shorts/pants/ are you wearing?: JEANS
Socks?: YES...THEY'RE WHITE WITH BLACK STARTS ON THEM
Underwear?: EVERY DAY

Necklaces?: A BLACK PIECE OF LEATHER THAT I JUST TIED IN A KNOT

Braclets?: I HAVE A BLACK WRIST BAND ON
Mascara?: YES
Eyeliner?: NOPE
Any other make up?: SOME BLACK EYE SHADOW
Is your hair up or down?: IT'S ALWAYS DOWN

/H/A/V/E/ Y/O/U/ E/V/E/R/
Kissed the opposite sex?: YES
kissed the same Sex? YES
made out with someone?: YES
Hugged someone?: OF COURSE
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: PROBABLY
Put a song on repeat for more than 2 hours?:UMMM...NOT THAT LONG
Gone Skinny dipping?: NOPE
Flashed anyone?: NOPE
Mooned anyone?: NOPE
Laughed so hard you pissed in your pants: I DON'T THINK SO
Got chased by the police?: SURE
Got in trouble with the police?: UMMM....NOT REAL TROUBLE
Got detention?: NEVER
Went to Juvy?: NOPE
Went streaking?: NO
Crashed a party?: NO
Slept past 4 in the afternooon?: NO
Dumped someone?: NO
Got Dumped?: SORT OF
Rejected someone?: YEA
Got rejected?: OF COURSE
Skipped School?: YEA

/T/H/E/ L/A/S/T/
person you talked to in person?: MARY
person you talked to online?: BRINNEY
person you talked to on the phone?: SAM
movie you saw in the theaters?: BATMAN BEGINS...THAT'S NOT RIGHT BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER
thing you ate?: PEANUT BUTTER M&M'S
drank?: WATER
laughed?: A LITTLE WHILE AGO
person you told you loved them?: MY MOM

/R/A/N/D/O/M/
Do you like surveys?: WELL...THEY GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO
What kind of shampoo do you use? BRILLIANT BRUNETTE
Do you ever wonder what your life will be like 10 years down the road?: YEA...A LOT
Are you scared of what life will be like in 10 years?: NOT REALLY
Do you get along with your parents?: YES, WE GET ALONG GREAT
Are you old enough to vote?: YES
Are you happy?: MOST OF THE TIME
Are you sad?: SOME DAYS
Do you have mental breakdowns?: SOMETIMES
Did you ever tell your parents you didn't feel good so you didnt have to go to school?: NO
Do you have a cell phone: YES
Are you glad this is over?: DOESN'T PHASE ME

To All my friends

To all my friends that read this...which I'm sure isn't many. I just wanted to share with you that I love you all, and you all have a special place in my heart. Don't mean to sound cheesy...but hey, cheese is good.

Plus, I'm excited about my new shoes I'm wearing right now. They're like my checkered Van's...but they're argyle. They're awesome. Black, Pink and white. Awwww...I'm too cute right now.

What a pretty bride...I think she's actually thinner than I am. 

Aaaauuuuu....the Gorilla has me...but, yes, I am enjoying it. 

Do you think he'll say "Yes"? 

Heck Yea, we're buff 

Peanut is Finally back with me...YEA!!! 

Head Out On the Highway

I really like to drive. It clears my mind, gives me something to do, and it puts me in control. Plus, there's always an adventure when you drive. I can just be myself and do whatever I want. If I want to use my steering wheel as drum, I can...and I do. If I want to sing as loud as I want to, I can...and I do.
I get to listen to whatever I want to listen to, go where I want to go and just have fun.
I also love to watch people while they drive.
Some have their seats real close to the steering wheel to where they're almost at the dashboard.
Some have their seats on the lean where they could practically take a nap while they drive.
Some drive with the windows down, whether it's hot, cold, or raining.
Sometimes music is VERY loud to where you can feel it, other times...it's not.
Some have their hands at 10-and-two.
Some only have one hand the wheel.
Some have their hands out the window surfing the air.
Some are on the cell phone, some putting on make-up, some making hand gestures.
I like to watch people sing while they drive, that's always good times.

Awwww...what a great thing to have a vehicle.

"Revvin' up your engine
Listen to her howlin' roar
Metal under tension
Beggin' you to touch and go
Highway to the Danger Zone
Ride into the Danger Zone"
-Kenny Loggins

Mother Knows Best

I had a nice talk with my mom this morning. She caught me crying in the bathroom...sometimes I just can't help myself and it all just floods out.
So we talked about my job and if I thought Iw as doing a good job. I mean, I know I'm doing a good job and my kids really like me and call me whenever they have a problem.
I just think that I'm the one with the problem. I don't have anyone in Georgetown that I can talk to everyday when I get off of work or someone to just vent to. I can't vent to anyone from the church because that wouldn't be right, but those are the only people that I know up there.

I also talked to mom about how I'm still upset over the whole Matt thing. But I came to this realization that I just liked having that person that wasn't around all the time that knew my friends or my problems that I could just talk to at the end of the day. I got used to that positive energy that I got every day from talking to him and now that I don't have that person to talk to and share stuff with, it just makes my life miserable. I mean, I have friends I can talk to, but it was different being able to talk to someone that just wasn't around and knew everything that was going on. Does that make sense. I'm not good at opening up...so I'd rather do that with someone that wasn't going to see it everyday. Whatever...I just miss that.

Plus it still pisses me off that he drove through Georgetown the other day and didn't even call to say "hey, I'm driving through". I just need to get that out of my mind right now. Find someone else to share stuff with....sure, that's going to be easy, right.

My mom is just a great person to talk to about life. She just keeps saying great things that are getting me to be comfortable with what's going on. She knows I should be in this position at work and that I'm doing good things. I just need to stay focused and postive. I just need to get reenergized.

Home Sweet Family

There's just something about coming home and getting away from it all.
I was just out of my mind all morning at work...stressed, confused, lonely, sad...all kinds of emotions.
And then I pull up to my parents house and everything just melts away. I talk with my mom about my job and how I feel about it. I take goofy pictures with my brother Daniel. And we all sit down and have dinner as a family and just sit outside and talk.

I'm not stressed when I'm here. I just feel carefree. It makes me happy.
Then I'm going to drive home tomorrow and be right back where I started. Weird feelings about what I'm doing with my life and why I'm just not happy where I am...But that's another story that I don't want to get in to. I'd rather keep that to myself right now.

I'll just soke it all up right now while I'm here.

Next Summer

Things to do in Key West with your boyfriend (or girlfriend I guess)

Lauren and I decided we want to go back there when we have boyfriends, and this is what we are going to do:

• Rent these little scooters that are all over the place, and ride it with the boy.
• Go parasailing together. It's a pretty romantic thing to do...just float 500 feet above the water and just look out and the beautiful surroundings.
• Take a sun-set cruise together. (There's an open bar on those things)
• Play "Kissy-Face" while on the boat watching the sunset.
• Have a group slumber party on a boat out in the ocean. We watched boats just sit out in the water at night, how fun would that be?

I'm sure there is plenty more to do. I had such a great time there with Lauren, but at the same time as we're walking around there were all these couples holding hands and being happy together that we figured that is something we should do as well. I guess we just need to find those boys that would actually want to spend that much time with us. Anyways...that's the plan.

Hanging out on the fake beach 

At the Southernmost point of the Continental United States.  

Watching the Sunset at Mallory Square 

Lauren being Silly...but isn't she adorable!! 

We wanted to do something fun for my birthday. Here we are out in the Atlantic Ocean 

Flying High...well, we went higher, but at least you can still see our faces on this one. 

Happy Birthday Sundae at the Hard Rock Cafe, Key West 

Chillin' at the FLYING MONKEY for my Birthday!!! 

"It's Like Dodging Bullets Here"

We're Back! Yeah, I guess.
Back to Life, Back to Reality.

Lauren and I had a great little vacation. Unexpected occurences, but it's what made our vacation what it was. Here are the high lights:

Miss our flight from Miami to Key West, so we spend an unplanned night in Miami. Fun right?...well, we stayed in the ghetto. So that was neat. We walked around and ate at Ihop because that was the closest thing that was open at that time. (No, we didn't have any luggage so we just made due with what we had).

Finally get the Key West a few hours before the wedding. So we walk around for a while and then get ready to celebrate.
The wedding was gorgeous. Right over the water on a pier at the Southern Most House. We watched, ate, it rained. Then we walked back.
Met a great guy named Hutch who asked about 15 times if he could kidnap me for the night. We didn't let him.

Sunday we got up for church, but were late so we didn't make it. But it's the thought that counts. So we went to the beach instead. It wasn't that great. But at least we made it their. Then shopping. Then getting proposed to. Then drinks. Drinks with whom you ask? Well, the Producer of the Real World of course. We only mingle with the famous people. It was awesome. He was a great guy.

Then Monday, My BIRTHDAY!! It was great, we went to the Butterfly conservatory, Parasailing, Hard Rock Cafe and then more drinks. Good Times.

Sunday was the Aquarium. Neat stuff. Then flying out...which was also a hassle...but if you really care, I'll go into more detail with you. Because there was so much more that happened, but maybe I'll sprinkle it in with each new post.
Love you all and it's good to be back.

What Does it Take?

I find myself being very wise in the mornings as I gather my thoughts and get ready to start the new day. It's just the time before I wake up that I don't get. I went to sleep early last night because I felt super exhausted (even though I really didn't do much all day) and therefore I woke up in the middle of the night and I was wide awake. Instead of falling back to sleep...I found myself thinking about a certain guy that I tell myself everyday to not think of. Shit like that drives me crazy, because I keep thinking "what did I do wrong?" "I'm stupid for still having these feelings in me"...anyways...this morning as I was getting ready this song by Aerosmith comes on the radio:
"Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go."
And then it hit me...there really isn't any ONE way to let go. It's not like talking to them is going to make things better. I think it's just something that has to happen. Mine comes in shifts. I have these awesome days where I feel...Whatever, I'm better than that. I'm an awesome person and I don't need to be screwed over. But then there are the other days where I just lay on the living room floor and sulk. Aaauuugh.

BUT...vacation tomorrow!!! I'm getting super burned out about everything: life, work...I guess that's all that I have right now. But it will be great.

Got those Mom's

This morning as I was taking a shower I was thinking about how I impress all these mom's. I remember in high school there was a lady from Falls City that just wanted me to marry her son. Don't get me wrong, I totally had a crush on him and he was my first kiss and all, but she was already talking like this while I was like 15. Come on. Then when I move to Georgetown I have another mom that just desperately wants me to marry her son as well because I would be perfect for him...Again...great guy, totally hot, in a band, good christian...I would marry him in a heartbeat, but it's another one-way road. Then this past weekend at Becca's wedding, her mother says to me, "well the next wedding is going to be you and Eric (Becca's brother). I've been waiting for that day." Now that one was out of the blue. But then, Becca's aunt says "no, she should marry my son because I already have someone for Eric." OK, her son is like 19, so that's not going to happen.

OK...my point is, why am I so attractive to these mother's who want me in their family so bad, but can't seem to get any guy to think the same way? I'm just getting a little irritated at that because they think I'm, in some perspectives, "perfect" for their sons. Why can't I get those boys to think like that?

So then I was thinking about other guys throughout my life...who I attract, who I'm attracted to and so on.
So far the people that have been attracted to me have been either WAY TOO old (like a high school baseball coach and a senior in high school) or a little young for my taste (fresh out of high school). They've also, been guys that are in committed relationships. I guess they can't be too committed if they want to play "kissy-face" with someone else though. But then I keep thinking...well, that's better for me because I don't have to be the one that has anything to worry about.
I think I look for guys that wouldn't be attracted to me, or that are in a relationship because that way there is no risk for me and I won't have to worry about getting hurt. Although, what I'm really doing is hurting myself because I set myself up for disappointment. Oh well.

What is it with me and guys? Does everyone have to go through all this?

Perfect

I think I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know what I want to do with my life. I was thinking about how I complain about knowing people up here (I mean, I guess I do if I really thought about it). But then I was thinking...even if I moved closer to home, like in San Antonio or San Marcos even, I would still be in the same funk. I mean, I love most of the people that I went to high school with, but I don't think I would be calling them up all the time asking them to hang out. I would still just sit wherever I was living and complain about not knowing anyone. So basically, it doesn't matter where I'm at, it just matters how I deal with the situation.

I miss how it was in college, if I was bored I would go to the apartment on either side of me to hang out. Granted they weren't the most perfect people (but who is), but they were my friends and they treated me like friends should be treated. I never cheated them and they respected the fact that I wasn't going to partake in everything that they did. All in all they were great guys, (besides the fact that they would steal my underwear...funny story).

I keep getting these urges to just pick up and leave...move somewhere. I don't know where, but somewhere not here. I mean, I love my job and I love my kids, but I'm at that point where I just don't know what to do at times. I'm hoping to be able to clear my head and get to some kind of reality by going on this trip. I'm just a little overwhelmed at the moment. Don't know why, but I am. (actually, I do know why, I'm just trying to get past some issues). Basically I just want to get excited about life and be happy like I was a few years ago. It's really hard for me to be truly happy and truly smile and mean it. You know what I mean?...Whatever. I'm out.

"You should know that I would never let you go.
I'm here to bear the weight of years.
You turn away what else is left for me to say?
you'll think what you want.
It's like we're once again at the first part.
It's safe to fall if you just trust the ground that you stand on.
I swear I would never let you down.
You should know sometimes it's hard for me
to show my fears but I'm never insincere.
Don't turn away from what you trusted yesterday.
I'm still that person that you can always depend on.
You live and learn but when I'm gone I won't return.
You don't have to feel that burn and
I'll know the time has come when you wake up alone and fine.
But truth is not just in the now"
-Midtown

That's What I'm Talking About...

That IS what I'm talkin' about.

I got a phone call today...Usually I don't really answer if I don't recognize the number...but it said FLORIDA right over the number, so I did.
Well, it was Mr. Wes from Southern Cross. Wanting to chit-chat about how he know's some Moczygemba's. Surprisingly our hotel host is from Texas and know's a couple of 'Po-Lock's'. It's just a small world how this guy all the way from southern florida is from texas and knows Moczygemba's and Dzuik's...weird. Anyways...he just wanted to finalize some of our late arrival plans. Seeing as we'll get there after the office is closed.
Whatever...I'm ready to do this. Relaxing on the beach...YES!!

As Days Go By

Well another wonderful weekend has come and gone and it's back to work. Only right now, I'm just not in the mood because I keep thinking of the trip to Key West. I'm hoping once I do that and relax I can get back into the swing of things again. But seriously, I don't see that happening.
I'm having a hard time staying up with everything I have going on. I find myself very distracted, I have this big event for the Junior High at the end of this month, but then I find myself worrying about a High School event that is at the end of the year. I just can't seem to get my mind off of one thing so that I can focus on another thing. Aaaaauuuuu.

Whatever....4 more days Lauren!!

"You only hold me up like this
Cause you don't know who I really am
I used to waste my time on
Waste my time on
Waste my time dreaming of being alive
(now I only waste it dreaming of you)"
-Fall Out Boy

Rehearsal Day.... 

Just a two gorgeous ladies hanging out. 

Much Love all around 

A sweet Memory that Becca and I share. 

My parents and I waiting for some food. 

How sweet are they??!! 

YUM!!! That chocolate cake was delicious. 

Jenny and I were Dancing Fools that night 

I always seem to end up with pictures left on a role of film...so of course, I take a picture of myself.